Bad relationship with mother

[mrmrl]

Hi, I have not posted here before but I have been listening to Stefans podcasts for a year and a half now.

 

I have been listening to two old podcasts (FDR_311_Mother_Part_1 and FDR_422_Maternal_Passive_Aggression) about passive aggressive mothers and what he was saying has really resonated with me.

 

“I don't want to be wary and guarded and fearful of constant manipulation from people who are in my life.”

 

This line resonated with me so much that it has given me the tool to be able to express my relationship with my mother.

 

I am continuously fearful of her manipulation and cannot trust her emotionally, that she does not behave in a way that tells me she recognises that I am a separate and independent human being. I have tried talking with her and telling her that I need her to treat me like an adult, and to help me become fully independent, to which she was dismissive.

 

In general, what her behaviour tells me is that she thinks that I am and extension of herself, and so she has no care about how she treats me emotionally. I have told her that she "does not care how she talks to me" to which she listened to but gave no feedback. Dismissive I guess.

 

She has never taught me the skills necessary to be an adult in this world, and that she hasn't even tried to teach me anything at all about my father (who died when I was 4). Every way she has treated me in the past (before I did everything I could to cut her out) was about her ego.

 

Since I have cut her out, she has not even tried to behave like a responsible parent, breach the gap, and instruct me in life. She has made no attempt to reconcile, instead using manipulative tactics to try and regain control over my emotions. She has done this by playing victim to my siblings and manipulating them into thinking that I have been victimizing her, when I have in fact I cut her out for my own health.

 

Yet, I am very frustrated in that I have woken up today, and had some positive feelings towards her. I don't know why and this is. I should be seriously angry and focusing my attention on myself in order to get myself out of this situation. But no, positive feelings and doubt about my rationality towards this selfish person who treats me like her doll. Her dud child who she thinks she is allowed to play with like a damn toy.

 

She did however a couple of years ago offer to pay for therapy, and did pay for my first session - I stopped it though, deciding this was not the right therapist.

 

I am beginning to doubt my convictions against her in an emotional sense, but when I try to look at this objectively, the doubt does not add up.

 

Am I being vindictive in cutting her out? And can I say that she is a bad mother since she did offer to pay for and did pay for one session of therapy?

 

To me, the negatives appear to outweigh the positives, but I will say, I don't think in paying for my therapy, she was doing it for my benefit. I don't think she cares for me, but is rather using me as a utility to heal this family that lost its father. I think this because a therapist I went too pointed out that I am a "conduit" for this family, someone who feels the entire mood of the family and from which other members of the family look to for an emotional setting.

 

I am so tired of being the family scapegoat and have cut them out mostly, but I am beginning to doubt, and I don't want to end up supplicating to her.

 

[Maquox]

I just talked to my parents a couple of days ago, told them something similar and they just recoiled and started trying to blame me for things.
I just don't understand how a person can live for 50 years without any sense of self-criticism.

 

No wonder people never become what they want to become...

 

Best wishes with your situation. I'll probably be living something similar in a couple of months.

 

PS: I also just found out about this podcast and it has changed my life.

[Drew.]

Gah. I'm really sorry about that, man. I have experienced similar thoughts about my own relationship with my mother and my parents. I broke from them in 2011, but I've been still been breaking from them mentally and emotionally ever since.

 

If you are being vindictive, where did you learn that behavior from? If you are cruel, where did you learn cruelty? If you are manipulative, where did you learn manipulation? I really get the sense that this doubt and uncertainty is to her favor and advantage. If she is truly manipulative as you say, she would be incompetent if she didn't instill you with doubt and distrust of your own experiences, emotions, and conclusions. It's fascinating that you care about where you are acting cruelly toward her. You are different than her, because this is something that you care about, and it seems like she is using your desire to be good against you. This doubt is trying to keep you tied to her. I don't know your situation, though.

 

If you're looking for a therapist who has experienced situations similar to what you have been through, is focused on helping you achieve what is best for you, and has helped other people sort their own family situations out, I would love to offer my services.