Laziness, ability, and being the victim of narcissist - My disaster story

[Wesley B]

Hello everyone. Thank you in advance for reading my post

 

There are a lot of topics that I would like to talk about in this thread and a lot of things I would like to say, but first I would like to start with a brief overview of my recent history just so you can get an idea where I am coming from. This will probably end up being a long post so sit back and relax.

 

So where to begin? Probably my sophomore year of high school. That is when things started to go downhill with me being completely oblivious to it.

 

In 2012 during my sophomore year I started taking guitar lessons with a new teacher. I had already been playing guitar for five years at that point and I only stopped taking lessons with my old teacher because he moved to a different state. This new guy I started with was a great teacher and I learned alot about music from him. Eventually he suggested that I might want to become a guitar teacher myself. At that time, I still had no idea what I wanted to do in life, so this suggestion interested me. Eventually he completely sold me on the idea and I decided that after high school, I would start a career in music starting with guitar teaching. I said to myself, I have always been a music person so what else am I going to do right?

 

I should also mention that around this time, my teacher was starting his own business; a music school of his own teaching college level stuff. I was apart of the first classes he gave at this new school.

 

Fast forward to 2014 I had graduated high school and had also graduated from the first year of my teachers music school. I had my high school diploma and a "Degree of Achievement" (a certificate) from my guitar teachers school. My teacher started telling me things like how great my career was going to be and how great being a teacher was.

 

So my career was starting or so I thought. In truth, I really had no idea what I was doing or what was going on, I was just doing what my teacher told me and following his lead ( I will elaborate on this more below).

 

So this is the point (late 2014) when my teacher started to dangle carrots in front of me. He offered me a position at his new school and was constantly telling me that he was going to get me lots of students and that his business was going to grow really big "soon". Unfortunately, I believed him.

 

It was also at this point that I started to doubt the quality of his character. I had known for a long time that he strongly believed in god and that he pushed his faith on others and also that he subscribed to a great deal of mysticism. Then I found out that he was a strong supporter of stateism and basically just sat in front of the T. V. all day watching fox news. He was a sheep. I didnt think that they actually existed until I met one of them. At one point he even told me "You shouldn't go around believing that there is no god". He knew beforehand that I was an atheist.

 

Why did I put up with this? I will elaborate below.

 

Then the final nail in the coffin was laid. He told me that he hit his kids. Then i knew I didnt want this man in my life anymore. He said insane things like "Yeah I hit my daughter because she ran out into the street, and because of that punishment, shes not going to run out into the street anymore. I'm saving her life by hitting her."

 

You cant make this stuff up.

 

So fast forward to summer 2015. All this time I had been waiting for his promises for basically a year. It was time I finally confronted him on this. So I called him up one day and talked to him about it. After a few minutes he completely blew up at me. He proceeded to yell at me and say some of the most retarded shit I've ever heard. After a few minutes of this I knew that this would be the end of our relationship. I was done. I told him to not hit his kids, and then I hung up the phone. He sent me a text telling me to never get near him or his family again.

 

So that was it. The three years of my life that I spent relying on him ended up being wasted years. Who knows what I could have done in that time if I had never met that bastard.

 

I spend so much of my time being jealous of people my age who have been smarter with their lives and are successful.

 

Now I will tell you what my teacher really is. He is a rank Narcissist. (Note: the following is simply my own perception of narcissism as I have seen it and experienced it) Narcissists try to create their own little world centered around themselves. In this world they are perfect and never wrong. Then they try to seduce other people to become a part of this world. His wife and many of his friends were apart of this own world of his. And of course he had seduced me into his world as well. Eventually I realized this and escaped from his little world and I accepted the true reality of what he really was. In my final phone call with him I shattered this world of his. Why? Because I told him that he could not keep his promises which, of course suggests he in not perfect. What do you get when you shatter a narcissist's image of themselves? You get rage. That is why he blew up on me. That is also why I put up with his bullshit for so long because i knew that if i challenged him, he would blow up at me and I was afraid of this.

 

But why did I rely on him for so long?

 

When I was growing up, and even through my teens, my mother basically did everything for me. She never taught me how to do anything and I was totally reliant on her. This  conditioned me to not want to do things myself and not put forth any effort because everything in life had been done for me. This is why when my teacher told me things like "I'm going to start you on this career, im going to get you this job" I totally attached myself to him because thats what I was used to. He was offering to do things for me.

 

It also didnt help that my father was also a narcissist

 

 

And now we get down to what I really want to talk about: How this conditioning has effected my ability as a productive human and how It effects my future.

 

I come from a family that you could say is very modest. They don't have great aspirations, they don't want to do great things in the world, they just want to live life and have dysfunctional relationships with the rest of their family. That is what makes me the elephant in the room because I actually have great aspirations. I want to write music, to have my own band, to play in front of tons of people. For this reason (and for a GREAT many other reasons including loads of abuse, feel free to ask me if you want) I knew that I wanted to De-foo from my family long ago. I didnt want to be apart of their petty squabbles and fake respect and love for each other. I'm not going to pretend that someone who abused me greatly and is unrepentant about it is my friend or loves me. When I finally accepted the reality of my family my relationship with them died.

 

To quote Atlas Shrugged:

 

"Where do you come from?"

"Buffalo."

"Got any family?"

She hesitated. "I guess so. In Buffalo."

"What do you mean, you guess so?"

"I walked out on them."

"Why?"

" I thought that if I ever was to amount to anything, I had to get away from them, clean away."

"Why? What happened?"

"Nothing happened. And nothing was ever going to happen. That's what I couldn't stand."

 

This passage describes my family and how I feel about them pretty well. (Note: My family isn't completely dependent on welfare or anything like that. They have their own careers and provide for themselves, its just that any mention of having big dreams or having an impact on the world are completely shot down by them. They don't encourage that kind of thing at all. This is part of the reason I want to get away from them.)

 

Now, you may now be imagining that I am some person who comes from an abusive and un-philosophical family but is also a person who has great aspirations and rises above his past to become a great and creative producer

 

But there's the problem. That is not me. I am not that man.

 

Sure I do have big aspirations, but I feel like I completely lack the will and the driving force to follow those aspirations. Whenever I say I'm going to do something, there is a part of me that never takes myself seriously. I have a voice that tells me "Your not really going to do that." "Theres no way you can do that are you kidding?" Its like im stuck in some gross muddy muck and whenever I think I want to do something, it is too hard to escape from it so I don't. It feels like I am being torn apart. On one side I am unlike my family because I actually want to do things but on the other side I am like them because I don't have the will to do them. It still feels like I am apart of them somehow and I don't want to be. But I do think that the biggest cause of not feeling that I can do things is the conditioning I received from my parents who did everything for me and who also never encouraged me in anything. That is what was deadly

 

Now, how has my past affected my general ability to do things as a human being? Well, I think it has had a huge negative effect. Like I've mentioned above, I was raised to not have to do anything for myself and I come from a family that doesn't encourage ambition. Does someone with this kind of history seem like they would work very hard? Most of the time when I've been working it seems like everyone is doing things faster, smoother, and simply better than me. I always try my hardest but I am sometimes in awe about how slow I do things. This has led to me having an image of myself that basically says that I am totally incompetent. I always try to tell myself that I am not, but it is very hard to do so when I see people doing things faster and better than me all the time. I realize that I am good at some things an worse at others and that I can improve at things with practice, but still whenever I try to do things at work, I have that same feeling of being stuck in a swamp and not having the will to do things. I wish I didnt have that feeling. That is one of the main things I am working on right now.

 

All I want to do is to live by my own effort. That is something that I am not doing right now and I think that is the main source of my depression (among other things).

 

I'm going through kind of an identity crisis right now. I'm basically trying to figure out weather or not I can be an achiever that pursues my dreams or someone that is too effected by his past to ever achieve them. 

 

As far as what I am doing right now I do have some kind of tentative plan. I know for sure that I am going to go to a career counselor to try and get a grasp on what I could be good at and what I enjoy. Depending on what I hear from the counselor I will decide what to do next, however I also think that I want to go back to school to a technical 2 year college so I can get a degree that is actually worth something so I can get a good job so i can finally get away from my god damn parents forever.

 

My dilemma is this. I want to have a job I enjoy but I also want to get away from my parents as soon as humanly possible. Because of this, I would be extremely tempted to take the first living wage paying job that I am offered even if it is something that I may not enjoy. On the other hand I could wait and find a job that I know I would like but then I might be stuck living with my mother longer while I try to find it. Living with my mother is absolute anguish. I've been living here so long now and ALL I want to do at this point is to GET AWAY.

 

Also, for those who are wondering, I am seeing a great therapist right now and I have been for one and a half years. It has been so immensely helpful to me.

 

As far as my dreams go (writing music, having my own band) they are something I still want to peruse. I need to focus on one thing at a time and becoming financially independent is my main focus right now. Once I do that, and once I start to heal and the depression goes away, I feel like then I could focus on what I really want to do which is writing music and releasing it. Doing that right now while I am in this horrible situation seems pretty much impossible to me. I feel like I also need to get out of the swamp that I'm in now and learn how to actually have courage and have the will to do the things that I want. I don't know how I'm going to do this but that is why I made this post.

 

I would love to hear you guys' thoughts on everything I have said. I want to overcome these issues that I have. I know that there's some very emotionally and intelligently smart people here on FDR and I think that some of you guys could really shed some light on what is going on.

 

I deeply appreciate all the help I can get.

 

Thank you.

 

 

P.S. The name of my former narcissist guitar teacher is David Poole. If you live in the Atlanta area and are involved in any part of the music scene, stay the hell away from this man.

 

 

[Boss]

I say you cant really know if you like a job till you actually do it. Finding a job you like might not even be possible.

[Starsky]

Hi Wesley,

 

sounds like a really good subject for a call-in show. 

Have you listened to any of the podcasts on ambition? 

And, btw, narcissists don't want you to thrive. They like you to stay small and stick around - for them.

[August Boulder]

Your post really resonates with me. I will try to give you some advice, and I hope that it will help.

 

The first thing I'd like to say is, don't spend your time being jealous of people "more successful" than yourself. It's a fantasy. They only appear to be more successful than you because they are better at things you may not be so good at. However, I'm sure there are things you are very good at, that they are not. One point in your favor, and a big one, is the fact that you're here. Also, keep in mind that success isn't only measured in financial or academic terms. The people you're jealous of may be a total wreck inside, people who repress all of their emotions, or who may be working very hard only to try and earn their parents' love. Really, don't do that. Your situation is different, you can't measure yourself based on what you infer about others. You should measure your success based on your own well-being.

 

You quoted Ayn Rand. I love her work, but you should try and not take her fiction too seriously. It's dramatization – her heroes are not real people, and if you're not careful you can really hurt yourself trying to be like them. Her characters seem to repress all of their negative emotions, or to not even have any. The only exception I can think of may be Steven Mallory in The Fountainhead, and maybe to a lesser degree Eddie Willers. And another thing about her heroes, they don't have people around them to support them! They fight these enormous battles, all alone! And this is just so hard to do. It isn't something you should even try – I imagine it would require you to suppress a great deal of emotions. Which brings me to my next point.

 

You need to find people to make friends with. People like you. In the absence of a supportive family, you need close friends who will help you fight your battles. I know its easier said that done, because I find myself in the same situation, but it's essential. Stefan's mentioned that several times. You can't do it alone. And that makes me wonder about your therapist – could you elaborate on what you get out of your therapy? Is there a direction you're moving towards, or do you only talk about your week? After a year and a half of therapy I would have thought you'd have less doubts about your current situation. I may be wrong, that is just my opinion.

 

Also, what is it your working in now? Why aren't you working in music? Have you thought of offering guitar lessons? If not on your own by posting ads in the paper or magazines, maybe in a small school?

 

Keep in mind that anything you want to do, you must dedicate a lot of time and effort to, and that it will probably not take off but years later. Sometimes you have to follow your gut feeling and take a big risk. What is more important to you? Freedom or security? Are you willing to go through the difficult years that most artists go through before they reach success?

 

Also, to what degree do you think living with your mother negatively affects your productivity and well-being? I currently live with my father, and I'm absolutely sure it hurts me to be near him. Have you ever thought that perhaps getting away from your family may be the first step toward happiness? And that perhaps more schooling is not quite as important?

 

I'm sorry if I may have come across as aggressive, I feel like I was also talking to myself!

[tux]

When I was growing up, and even through my teens, my mother basically did everything for me. She never taught me how to do anything and I was totally reliant on her. This  conditioned me to not want to do things myself and not put forth any effort because everything in life had been done for me. This is why when my teacher told me things like "I'm going to start you on this career, im going to get you this job" I totally attached myself to him because thats what I was used to. He was offering to do things for me.

I can see how this has caused you problems with motivation and knowing what you genuinely want to do with your life. If I were you I would also dive deep into how your family dynamics have affected your life. You father is a narcissist and your mother chose to be with him. And then you chose to comply with a narcissist's demand, in some ways repeating the patterns of your mother. This is not something you want to keep falling into for the rest of your life. Do you talk a lot about this with your therapist?

 

So that was it. The three years of my life that I spent relying on him ended up being wasted years. Who knows what I could have done in that time if I had never met that bastard.

 

I spend so much of my time being jealous of people my age who have been smarter with their lives and are successful.

Hello everyone. Thank you in advance for reading my post

I can really relate to this. It angered me to see and hear about how old classmates' lives had went on while I was "stuck" and things were falling apart for me. They travelled, studied and partied. I felt like I had been robbed some very important years of my life. Everyone else seemed to get a head start.

When you get older and see it from a more experienced perspective, a year here and there may feel minuscule, but as a young person in a modern and highly materialistic society, many see their youth as an exhausting competition. If that is the case for you, try to step out of it.

You are writing here so you are obviously aiming for self improvement and knowledge. This will, in the end, give you a more rewarding life. You can have meaningful relationships, a working marriage and strong connections to your future family, things that lots of of "accomplished" people never get to  and never knowing why.

[Wesley B]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it and it is very helpful to me.

 

 

Also, what is it your working in now? Why aren't you working in music? Have you thought of offering guitar lessons? If not on your own by posting ads in the paper or magazines, maybe in a small school?

 

 

 

Also, to what degree do you think living with your mother negatively affects your productivity and well-being? I currently live with my father, and I'm absolutely sure it hurts me to be near him. Have you ever thought that perhaps getting away from your family may be the first step toward happiness? And that perhaps more schooling is not quite as important?

 

 

 

I do teach guitar lessons one day out of the week but I only have 4 students right now and can only have a maximum of 8 since I only teach there on Saturdays. I've gone to peoples houses before to teach them but that is now really impractical for me.

 

Living with my mother us pure anguish. I can hardly be creative while im in the house and my well-being is destroyed while I am still reliant on her. I have to take anti-depressants just so I can get out of bed. I know for certain that getting away from her is my first step towards happiness and that is my main goal right now. I am just trying to figure out how to do it and I have no Idea how since no job I've ever had has paid me enough to get out on my own. That is why I'm thinking of going back to school so I can get an actual well paying job. I'm not will to go through any kind of artists struggle while I'm still living with her. When I am on my own much more things seem possible to me.

 

Also, finding friends is incredibly difficult for me. I don't even know where to start with it.

 If I were you I would also dive deep into how your family dynamics have affected your life. You father is a narcissist and your mother chose to be with him. And then you chose to comply with a narcissist's demand, in some ways repeating the patterns of your mother. This is not something you want to keep falling into for the rest of your life. Do you talk a lot about this with your therapist?
 

 

It is. I am constantly on the look out for narcissists now and I stay the hell away from them. I think the bigger problem right now is, as you mentioned, figuring out what I really want to do with my life. The thing is I already do know what I want to do which is to write and release music but I'm not willing to go through that struggle while I'm still reliant on my mother. I need to get away from her first before I can do anything.

[August Boulder]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it and it is very helpful to me.

 

I do teach guitar lessons one day out of the week but I only have 4 students right now and can only have a maximum of 8 since I only teach there on Saturdays. I've gone to peoples houses before to teach them but that is now really impractical for me.

 

Living with my mother us pure anguish. I can hardly be creative while im in the house and my well-being is destroyed while I am still reliant on her. I have to take anti-depressants just so I can get out of bed. I know for certain that getting away from her is my first step towards happiness and that is my main goal right now. I am just trying to figure out how to do it and I have no Idea how since no job I've ever had has paid me enough to get out on my own. That is why I'm thinking of going back to school so I can get an actual well paying job. I'm not will to go through any kind of artists struggle while I'm still living with her. When I am on my own much more things seem possible to me.

 

Also, finding friends is incredibly difficult for me. I don't even know where to start with it.

 

It is. I am constantly on the look out for narcissists now and I stay the hell away from them. I think the bigger problem right now is, as you mentioned, figuring out what I really want to do with my life. The thing is I already do know what I want to do which is to write and release music but I'm not willing to go through that struggle while I'm still reliant on my mother. I need to get away from her first before I can do anything.

 

Oh man, that sucks! I'm really sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot. I find myself in a similar situation, but I think my depression may be not be as bad yours. I don't really think there is very much more I can say to help, other than insisting you do not give up! I wish I were on the other side of my own mess, to be able to give you better advice.

 

One of the things that most helps me make it through the day is art. I feel like every great new film, or album, that I find inspires me greatly and helps me think of the future and my place in it. Some artists that I've found recently that might interest you are Manolo Sanlucar, a flamenco guitarist, and Mick Karn, a fretless bass player and musician. Also, I don't know if you're familiar The Durutti Column, their album Vini Reilly is fabulous. I hope you like it.

 

If it's of any help, this article helped shed some light on my own troubles:

 

http://carljungdepthpsychology.blogspot.mx/2014/11/the-spiritual-problem-of-modern-man-by.html