tercelkisor Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I am 25. I am male. I am married. I am an agnostic atheist. This will likely be lengthy, and I hope it finds a person or two who are genuinely interested in assisting an online stranger with his issues. I do realize that I therapists exist, but I fear being taken in or tricked into something that isn’t right for me. Maybe this fundamental mistrust is part of what is eating away at me. Firstly, I know that my value as a human isn’t based on my emotional health or whatever psychological issues I may have. I think that I have an above average self image. It may even be too high. Unless there is something going on under the surface, I don’t think that this is an issue. I’m not really sure how to get at what is bothering me, but, at risk of rambling, I’ll just type and see what sticks. Firstly, I’ll list the issues that concern me. Then I will address each, I suppose. The death of my father 5 months ago had absolutely no effect on me. I consistently avoid sleep, staying awake doing nothing at all. I have unresolved disillusionment with my marriage. I still feel as though religion in my past has set aspects of my life on tracks that I regret being on. I’m cynical, sarcastic, and cold the majority of the time. I have pretty severe ADHD, but am afraid of taking my medication for fear of permanently altering my brain or becoming dependent. I am arrogant, finding it difficult to empathise with people that I deem to be intellectually inferior to me. I honestly feel caged, like I was never able to experience the kind of freedom that I should have, which leads me to fantasize about leaving everything in my life for the chance to make a life all over again. My drive and motivation in my studies and work are not scaling at the same pace as my studies and work, leaving me feeling burned out and overworked when I don’t think I should be. On second thought, I won’t go into depth now. I can elaborate on the topics of interest of whoever is kind enough to lend an ear.
regevdl Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I am 25. I am male. I am married. I am an agnostic atheist. This will likely be lengthy, and I hope it finds a person or two who are genuinely interested in assisting an online stranger with his issues. I do realize that I therapists exist, but I fear being taken in or tricked into something that isn’t right for me. Maybe this fundamental mistrust is part of what is eating away at me. Firstly, I know that my value as a human isn’t based on my emotional health or whatever psychological issues I may have. I think that I have an above average self image. It may even be too high. Unless there is something going on under the surface, I don’t think that this is an issue. I’m not really sure how to get at what is bothering me, but, at risk of rambling, I’ll just type and see what sticks. Firstly, I’ll list the issues that concern me. Then I will address each, I suppose. The death of my father 5 months ago had absolutely no effect on me. I consistently avoid sleep, staying awake doing nothing at all. I have unresolved disillusionment with my marriage. I still feel as though religion in my past has set aspects of my life on tracks that I regret being on. I’m cynical, sarcastic, and cold the majority of the time. I have pretty severe ADHD, but am afraid of taking my medication for fear of permanently altering my brain or becoming dependent. I am arrogant, finding it difficult to empathise with people that I deem to be intellectually inferior to me. I honestly feel caged, like I was never able to experience the kind of freedom that I should have, which leads me to fantasize about leaving everything in my life for the chance to make a life all over again. My drive and motivation in my studies and work are not scaling at the same pace as my studies and work, leaving me feeling burned out and overworked when I don’t think I should be. On second thought, I won’t go into depth now. I can elaborate on the topics of interest of whoever is kind enough to lend an ear. Thanks for sharing. I am not a therapist, of course so take this with what value it may or may not have. I am sorry for the passing of your father. By you not feeling anything I think would depend on what your realtionship was like. I mean if you were really close and connected and engaged in each other's lives and had trust and love and companionship throughout and you felt nothing...that would be quite concerning. but if you had a rocky or barely existant relationship and felt nothing at his passing, then it might be something that still needs to be reviewed (by a professional) but nothing to panic over. Your self-described characteristics remind me of my brother-in-law. So I will try not to superimpose his characteristics on to you but the few things that jumped out immediately to me was your use of the word 'arrogant' and unempathetic. I am not putting words in your mouth but just stating that sometimes when men are described as arrogant, many use that word almost synomyously with 'confident'. But confidence would allow for humility and empathy. When one is arrogant and possibly mistaken as 'confident' in excess, then it is actually the opposite... of severe insecurity that is being guised or compensated by the arrogance and lack of empathy. With that said.... it IS a chore to keep that up. It might be a learned 'survival' skilll depending on how you were raised but if this is the case, then it's no surprise that these other areas are 'sub par' to your expecations because much of your energies are spent trying to mask your insecurities and vuneralbilities and connect with people. Even the way you phrase it 'I feel intellecutally inferior TO ME". AGain... I have no context of your intelligence..I mean you seem like an intelligent person, etc. But that would depend on who is in your circle or the level of intelligence. See, it's one thing to say, 'inferior intelligence to me' setting yourself as the benchmark of intelligence. It's another to say. 'of inferior intelligence' which doesn't really set a standard but leaves you open to people in your life who might be MORE intelligent and give you opportunities of expanding your intelligence. So based on that (again...I spelled out the context of my viewpoint so understand I might be totally off...but these are the clues I picked up on) that you might be consciously or subconsciously be surrounding yourself with people you know are of inferior intelligence for your short-term benefit of feeling superior intellectually but at the cost of then becoming unfullfilled and frustrated. But, the other downside to that, that also spins this in the viscious circle is that you feel too vunerable to allow higher intelligence people in...that might expose you to the 'inferiors' that you are not as smart as THEY see you and would be too difficult for you to bear to reveal that vunerability. Again that is not to say it would make you as inferior as them but I hope you understand what I am speculating. So if this resonates in any way and you want to provide more details about the people in your life, it might help confirm or dispell. It sounds like if you were to be true to yourself, there are those close to you who would not be willing to accept the new you, the true you. But again, if you cannot or will not connect with them and empathize with them, then you really won't know for sure. Keep in mind that your lack of empathy might also be 'sensed' by those around you who you deem inferior intellectually and they might be avoiding revealing or sharing for their own fear of your lack of empathy or cynicism etc. So deeper connection is avoided which won't result in more empathy of course. If I sense someone has an arrogant complex that sort of gets jollies off other people's vunerabilities it instantly signals that they themselves lack confidence and they try to hack down anyone that tries to expose their own vunerabilities or areas of confidence, and I would never open up to that person, even if I know that person thinks I am 'intellectually inferior' than them, I don't care...I never reveal my emotions or intelligence to them to avoid their exploitation of my precious emotional and intellectual assets. This could be what those around you are experiencing and how they are managing themselves around you and is giving you this feeling that they aren't as intelligent. Or...you could be right...maybe they are inferior to which you need to find more stimulating people in your life which requires humility and vunerability. .... so again, it's probably a learned survival tactic from your childhood that you no longer need but has been long imprinted and needs to be resolved because just cutting and running and starting fresh might seem great for the first while but after things normalize you'll be right back where you are now...bored, dissastisfied, on the hamster wheel. If you get to the root (a professional is probably best) then your future will be more clear to decide if cutting and running is best or if you have some salvagable people and opportunities already around you, you have just been emotionally blocking them out.
Drew. Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I can see that you're struggling and really lost. As great and wonderful as this community is, I do not recommend opening up and sharing with just anyone who associates themselves with FDR. There are a lot of lost, broken people here, and their attempts to help--as genuine as they may be--may only add to the confusion and harm. Honestly, I think that working with a therapist would be best for you with this. Of course, I am going to recommend myself; I have been a practicing therapist for a year and half now. You list a number of issues, and I think that working through all of those issues is not something that a friend can provide. A friend is an equal. If you are broken and lost, the people who you will be attracted to will be broken and lost. It will be the blind leading the blind. I say this with all due sympathy and experience, I really think a therapist would be best for you. Further more, I myself have also experienced a death of which I have been numb about. I have worked through the death of my infant twin sister. I had been numb about her death through most of my life, and now I have grieved her death. I think that I can help you connect with your feelings--which you need to experience the drive and joy and tragedies of life. I would like to work with you. If we are ill-suited, I would be glad to refer you another therapist. I welcome the distrust that you have, it is preventing you from getting attacked and mixed up even further by people who have no idea what they are doing or have ill-intentions. Committing to therapy is likely going to shake up your life and will really challenging process to go through. Not everyone wants to or can handle it. But if you work with me, I will try to see that the change is for the best.Welcome to the community, I see that this is your first post. It's a big one =] 2
okymek Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 I'm 33 and I feel I may have quite a few things in common with you so I'll just share my two cents. Well going down the list, first I would have ask basic situation of your Father passing. Did he have a pre-existing condition or did he die suddenly? Generally if someone is terminally ill you will start the grieving in preparation. Also, since you previously mentioned religion, which I'm guessing you shared previously. Even though you may no longer share his faith, simply knowing that he was at peace put you at ease about his passing. I have often had my own struggles with sleep, I am an introvert and I really enjoy being alone and having quiet. I have a wife and two young girls so the only time I have to myself is when everyone is sleeping. Over the period of a couple of years I kept staying up later and later until I was staying up until 3-4 AM when I had to leave for work at 7AM every day of the week and usually sleeping 14+ hours straight on the weekend to catch up which was forcing my wife to look after the kids instead of sharing the responsibility and giving her a break as well. It can be really hard to fix your sleep schedule once you let it get so bad, I would lay in bed for hours some nights unless I could physically exhaust myself exercising before going to bed. As far as being disillusioned with marriage, I'm just guessing you have been married 1-3 years given your age. I definitely had different regrets as time went on to varying degrees the first five years. Initially, I felt as if I was compelled to get married as soon as possible to alleviate the guilt I felt associated with the sins of pre-marital sex. I realize now that my wife and I didn't really know each other well enough at the time because we hadn't had nearly enough deep conversations to really know each other. Luckily we were able to still have those conversations and grow as a couple and address the grievances we each had, but it's an ongoing process that never ends. For us it is important to talk about needs and expectations, early on I felt like I was putting more into the relationship than I was getting out of it but we weren't sharing each others perspectives which made us both bitter towards each other. I'll skip the cynicism and the ADHD as I cannot relate from personal experience. As far as you considering yourself arrogant in that you cannot relate to those less intelligent. Are you speaking in general or in regards to a certain subject or topic? For example, if you have a coworker that you need to train to do a job at work it is usually worth your time to train them. Unless they are incapable of learning that job sufficiently to manage that task individually. In that case I don't think it is that abnormal to not want to associate with someone who will be a burden rather than an asset. (Ties into gene wars discussion) Again, it's pretty normal to feel trapped in marriage especially when times are tough. They don't call it the old ball and chain for nothing. Are your studies and work something that you are interested in or passionate about? Are you burned out from the lack of sleep? When you say you don't do anything while not sleeping, are you thinking or dwelling on negativity? I can assure you that that will drain more than you will realize, I did that for a while and it will really compound your stress levels.
tercelkisor Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 I appreciate the responses. I'll respond to each in a separate response for clarity. regevdl, I didn't respect him at all. My parents divorced when I was young, and he was always in and out of jail or running to other states to flee jail sentences. I have extremely positive memories of my childhood with him, but, and FDR has helped me see these things, I know that he always put his addictions ahead of his children. I didn't really expect to feel much, but the fact that it was nothing at all kind of shocked me. I really make an effort to surround myself with intelligent and thoughtful people. That being said, to me, intelligence is almost entirely about a desire to know yourself, and by extension, accurately understand the world around you. I believe that I've surrounded myself with the available people who most hold those values or characteristics, but people concerned with self knowledge are extremely rare, and even these people that I spend my time with seem almost incredulous at the thought of me getting therapy for something that isn't a traditional mental issue. I feel, and I suppose I could be wrong, that my lack of empathy isn't a major issue to most people. I honestly think that I do better on that front that other, possibly more empathetic people. To me,empathy (or the appearance of empathy, at least) is a logical thing, and it's not complicated to just think of how I would like to be treated in a particular situation. It's usually an entirely emotionless process for me. I'm honestly not sure how much of the other stuff applies, but I appreciate the response, and will soberly consider your words.
tercelkisor Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 Drew Woods, Thanks for the offer. I'm certainly interested in doing whatever it takes to deal with my issues and straighten my mind out. I know you appreciate my skepticism about trusting someone with my mental life, especially when there is money involved, and that's cool, but I may be difficult to convince of the value you can offer me. If you are up for the challenge, I may very well be interested in your services. Thanks again.
tercelkisor Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 My father died of liver cancer. We knew about it for a few months before he passed. We shared no religion; that was something I found apart from family. He was a drunk and did exorbitant amount of drugs, and that's what killed him. I think out sleep issues are almost identical. Anything particular thing that you find helpful with that? I love my wife, and honestly admire many things about her, but I can't separate her from my religious past. When I left religion, I was extremely close to leaving her, and would have if she had not taken it so extremely roughly. I don't know how much of my disillusionment has to do with my own immaturity of wanting to be romantically free, but feel strongly that I wasn't in an appropriate state of mind to make a lifelong decision. That decision feels burdensome to me most of the time. It has nothing to do with her as a person. I just feel as if my choice in the matter was made for me by some other person entirely, and that rubs me in an odd sort of way. I generally refer to people as intelligent if they display a desire to understand themselves as I find most people to be utterly lacking of any sort of introspective capacity at all. Many of the people that I deem intelligent may very well have a higher IQ than I do. I am passionate about what I'm doing in general. At this particular moment, I'm taking classes that I find are utterly useless with professors that are just milking their tenure or are just plain incompetent. It's also difficult work. I'm in engineering, and my passion lies in robotics and controls, which aren't focuses at my school so it requires much extra effort on my part to gain sufficient knowledge and experience in those things to do this for a living. Sleep is certainly an issue, and much of that, I believe, is just a matter of self control, but by doing nothing, I mean generally looking up interesting thing online or watching porn. Basically nothing useful. I'm generally a positive person. I always say that I don't have the attention span to be negative about things. Thanks for the response. I'll certainly consider what you've said.
Guest Gee Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Hi tercelkisor, In my not too distant past I exhibited pretty much all the symptoms you are currently presenting, including the ADHD and death of the father. If you don't mind me asking, do you know your ACE score? http://www.acestudy.org/ace_score Your ACE score is a measure of the exposure of a child to abuse or neglect. Mine is 7.
Copper_Heart Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 I am 25. I am male. I am married. I am an agnostic atheist. This will likely be lengthy, and I hope it finds a person or two who are genuinely interested in assisting an online stranger with his issues. I do realize that I therapists exist, but I fear being taken in or tricked into something that isn’t right for me. Maybe this fundamental mistrust is part of what is eating away at me. Hi, here is my analysis on what you wrote. Take into account that I maybe wrong and do not claim it to be otherwise, by this I do not want to shift responsibility but invite you to most creative associative guess work possible. May be something strikes out as some what true, but will result in something absolutely different afterwards. May be something will make you angree, even though I diligently will try to avoid anything less then respectful. Catch moments like that, there is a key in them. do realize that I therapists exist, but I fear being taken in or tricked into something that isn’t right for me. And then you say that you do not feel sad after your father died. More precisely you say it "did not affected" you, cynical and sarcastic... Could it be that you actually want to disconnect from something? You run away from sleep and have ADHD. ADHD is result of part that is "in control" being asleep. Strangely enough caffeine helps moderately against ADHD, because it wakes up this part of the brain. This part of the brain also controls connections between part of the brain that has emotions and that control speaking centers. Does anything of that seem useful?
Drew. Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Drew Woods, Thanks for the offer. I'm certainly interested in doing whatever it takes to deal with my issues and straighten my mind out. I know you appreciate my skepticism about trusting someone with my mental life, especially when there is money involved, and that's cool, but I may be difficult to convince of the value you can offer me. If you are up for the challenge, I may very well be interested in your services. Thanks again. Feel free to contact me if you're interested in working together. Personally, I'm not too interested in trying to convince you to work with me. I know that I offer a valuable service, and I trust that you'll be able to judge whether you value what I have to offer. I would be more than happy to answer questions that you have, though. We could chat over skype or you could email me. A few good questions that I can think of might be what is the therapeutic process like, asking me about areas that I have experience in, and how I have applied the therapeutic process to my own life and grown from it (just to get you thinking). My email address is: [email protected]
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