It all comes back to pie

[Koroviev]

Currently working my way through Paul Bloom's Just Babies and something I came across last night has really stuck with me. In the chapter on "Fairness, Status, and Punishment" he takes a look at the egalitarian mindset and how it has be shown that this mindset appears in even very young children through various experiments and whatnot. He continues by showing how this is complicated by our tendency to gain an advantage for ourselves, and what all of this means pertaining to the culture of sharing and equality that has grown over the past couple of generations. The analogy that has really stuck with me is this:

 

 

Think about three children and a pie. One way that they can all get equal shares is if they all care about equality and agree that everyone should get the same. But the other way to get an equal division-the more human way, I think-is that each child is careful to ensure that he or she doesn't get less than anyone else.

 

You can see the effects of this kind of thinking all over the place, and even more so now than ever. Look at Europe. The middle east is very much not egalitarian whereas Europe very much is (or at least has been brainwashed into being), thus Europe keeps giving under the assumption that the migrants think like them and the migrants are fighting (all to literally) to get as much as the Europeans will be willing to give them.

 

On the playground. One child is playing with a toy a second child decides they want to play with it as well, and what happens. Mom comes over and says "You need to share." What messages is that simple statement sending to both of those children!? If I'm the child playing with the toy I am in the wrong and always have to give my toy up. If I'm the child wanting the toy, all I have to do is want something and all of a sudden I get it.

 

Think of all of the opportunities and skills children miss out on because of our sharing culture. In stead of learning negotiation skills they learn whining. In stead of learning about respect for property rights they learn how to find the right authority to get what they want. In stead of building strong relationships through learning each others' likes and dislikes, needs and fears, they learn that only their needs and desires matter and everyone else owes them whatever whim they may have at any given time.

 

Lastly, because I know this will come up from anyone new to peaceful parenting or anyone who disagrees with peaceful parenting. The mother in the example above is NOT an example of a peaceful parent. She is an example of a passive parent. It's less time away from facebook for her to just tell her child to share than it would be for her to have actually been paying attention and to sit down and assist the children to figure out a solution to their problem on their own. Beating the child who wants the toy or the child who isn't sharing would reinforce even more that their needs do not matter.

[neeeel]

I agree with the sharing toy thing. Sure, the child that wants the toy can let this be known, but I think the mother coming saying "You have to share" is making a mistake. The child also knows its not true. he doesnt NEED to share at all. Rather its "I am going to MAKE you share" ( which isnt actually sharing, anyway, its just forced)

 

Left to their own devices, children are generally quite generous anyway, I think giving them opportunities to be generous of their own accord, or selfish of their own accord, is very important. 

[mishochu]

In the sharing culture does the child who wants the toy ever learn to accept "no" (or "not yet") as an answer?