What Is Friendship? (Article/Video)

[Three]

I think this is an important question to answer because it allows us to have a standard by which we can compare our current relationships.
 

Many of us go through life getting into relationships with people who we call friends and sometimes these relationships never really flourish in the way that we expect and the way we want them to.
 

Sometimes these relationships completely blow up altogether, leaving us hurt and resentful.

Here I want to describe the bare minimum essentials that I think need to be present in order for a relationship to warrant the title of “friendship.”
 

The first thing to understand is that friendship is like parenting. And the way that friendship is like parenting is  that what defines a friend is his actions just as what defines a parent is his actions. 
 

Friendship is so much more than just a title. In other words, putting on scrubs and slapping a label on yourself called “surgeon” doesn’t make you a surgeon anymore than having kids and slapping the label “parent” on yourself makes you a parent. 
 

Actions speak louder than labels. 
 

However, there is a crucial difference between the relationship between two adult friends and the relationship between a parent and a child, which is the difference of mutuality.

The parent’s job is to meet the needs of the child. It is not incumbent upon and in fact it would be highly inappropriate to expect a child to meet the parent’s need. With friends there is a mutual exchange of value between two equals. 
 

When there’s not this mutual exchange of value, even if both parties are great people, it’s not going to be a fun or productive relationship just as it wouldn’t be fun or productive if I attempt to play tennis with someone who is vastly inferior to me at tennis. 

 

Still, there’s got to be more to friendship than two parties mutually exchanging value. After all, when I buy a car from someone, I want the car more than my money and the person who’s selling the car wants the money more than the car. It’s a win-win interaction that involves a mutual exchange of value.
 

But, I wouldn’t call a random salesmen a friend. 

So, what’s other ingredient that is needed in order for friendship to be present? Well, I believe that ingredient is the same thing that must be present in order for a romantic relationship to be present. 
 

That ingredient is love. 
 

Love is our involuntary response to virtues if we ourselves are virtuous. To me, somebody earns the title of friend once they’ve earned my love, which means they display characteristics that are lovable. And love is something that grows overtime. 
 

So often have I seen the following: somebody talks to you maybe 3 or 4 times and because the conversations happen to be enjoyable, they then slap the label “friend” on you and expect to reap all the value and obligations that come along with you being a “friend.” 
 

To me, it doesn’t work that way. Think about it, when you are getting into a romantic relationship, do you just slap the label “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” on somebody else just because you feel the last 4 conversations were good? 
 

 Of course not. The other party has to have a say as to whether they are “your girlfriend or not. Just like romance, if your goal is to get friendship, you must undergo a long process of mutual negotiation that involves curiously asking questions to get to know the other person so that you’ll have a better idea of whether or not there is compatibility resent or not. 

 

In conclusion, relationships don’t blossom into friendships over night. 
 

Friendship is something you and the other party grows into gradually and organically over time. Slapping a lab called “flower” on a rose stem doesn’t meanit’s bloomed any more than slapping called “friendship” doesn’t automatically make a relationship friendship

[dsayers]

I miss my best friend :*(

[Spenc]

Back in the days when the call-in show was a group chat, and there were several regulars who had conversations with Stef, there was a good discussion between the two about how they were not friends and the nature of friendship.  I can't recall all of it, but I remember that Stef and Greg agreed that they could not be considered "friends" at that point because Stef had taken somewhat of a mentoring role toward Greg, and therefore, they were on unequal footing in the relationship.  I found it very interesting.

 

It's kind of like a university professor who has a keen student that he mentors, and 20 years in the future they become friends in the course of their semi-annual meetings/conversations.  But when they were in the mentor-protege relationship, even with weekly or more regular contact, they would not be considered friends.

 

And of course, we would think of these as being very meaningful and productive relationships, in many ways even better than typical friendships....

[Pod]

My friend and I defined friendship as consistency checking. 

 

Sadly it's what led up to my decision to stop seeing him.