Niece

[DPY4218]

Hello,

 

I recently joined the message board because I have an important question to ask. My sister and her husband have a lot of vices, low self esteem, and low integrity. They have some virtue and character. They both have had troubled childhoods as I have. They do not have the ability to understand moral concepts like I do. They are for bigger government, higher taxes, and letting in mass amounts of people who believe in Sharia and Jihad. The husband shouts in front of my niece and my sister, getting mad about miniscule things. He has been high from weed in front of them multiple times. He hangs out with low self esteem people with low integrity. My sister is very defensive, insecure and anxious. She does not listen to reason or evidence and neither does he. I love my niece very much and she is attached to me and I am attached to her. I can't not be apart of my niece's life because I love her. She is one year old. How should I approach this situation? I don't want to give up hope on improving my niece's environment or childhood experience. I add positively to it but I want to see what I can do with how I should deal with my sister and her husband? Should I become a better persuader, influencer, communicator, or negotiator? Are those my only options?

 

[Carl Green]

Should I become a better persuader, influencer, communicator, or negotiator? Are those my only options?

 

Don't forget 'understander'.

 

Ask them questions and learn. Real questions about their motivations and desires, not "why aren't you taking better care of yourself and your child?" type of stuff.

[chromanin]

Careful you don't get yourself estranged from them though. You might be this kid's lifeline to sanity in the future. If her parents are not receptive to criticism, try to set a good example... Be that alternative contrast for all of them. Most people learn by imitation. There's only so much you can do, you're going to be an awesome uncle though, for sure. 

[DPY4218]

Thanks for the advice.

[Spenc]

She does not listen to reason or evidence and neither does he.

 

What reason and evidence specifically do they not listen to?  Are you talking about parenting stuff or sociopolitical stuff?  What are some particulars in direct relation to how they raise your niece?

 

Try to keep socio-political matters separate from lifestyle/child-rearing issues.  In terms of your niece, she's at prime brain-mapping age, the socio-political stuff can be put on the back burner for a few years, at least in terms of trying to discuss issues with your family.

 

Keep in mind, they are in a shitty situation, so it would harm their self-image a great deal to accept reason and take a proper long view of themselves.  As Stef would say, childhood issues crop up in new ways when the traumatized child becomes a parent himself.  And they have low self-esteem, lack of integrity, and a peer group that enables and supports these shortcomings.  When you introduce reason to them, they are going to be left with 1000 questions, few answers, and a severely diminished support group, so of course they have an innate aversion to philosophy.