Kids aren't supposed to be happy all the time, right?

[brucethecollie]

I'm one of those highly sensitive individuals so luckily I had kids with a man that is really logical and basically opposite of me. Not that i'm not rational but my primary filter is emotional and then I run everything by my logic, if that makes any sense. 

 

Anyway, I've been having a lot of stress lately parenting my 6 year old twins, a boy and a girl. They are opposite from each other and between the two I think I have my work cut out for me right now. I peacefully parent them and that hasn't changed but I am taking on too much internal stress which I'd like to rationalize my way out of or get a little relief. 

 

When my children exhibit any kind of major frustration with something or they are sad or upset (over any little normal thing) I have a hard time...I want them to be happy, not to hurt, not to be frustrated. And yet I know it's necessary to experience frustration and natural cause and effect and to struggle while learning new things. I wonder sometimes if my childhood experiences are coloring my vision in the present. I've mentioned it here before but I have type 1 diabetes since childhood and it caused a great deal of suffering from age 11 on up. I take really good care of myself now with a lot of discipline and hard work but I feel bitter about growing up the way I did. In particular because I also had some major stress from a brother only one year younger who was going off the rails all through childhood and no one knew how to help him. So I also tend to relive all the worry I had about my brother while growing up when seeing any slight similarities in behavior between him and my children (because my brother grew into a nightmare, as he still is today). I try to stay calm and be rational and think about what is normal in 6 year old development and asserting independence whilst still having big emotions seems to be normal but I feel overly sensitive to it. 

 

And so I am compelled to ask anyone who is listening to reassure me that it is normal for children to get upset when things don't go their way and to get frustrated and bored and irritable, the same way adults get from time to time. 

 

I just don't really understand why I would want them to always be happy every minute of the day when that isn't a normal human way to be. Is it that I'm being too sensitive and want to stop MY suffering, since I feel suffering when they are not happy? And why should I suffer when they are frustrated over a something small and aside from that frustration they are well cared for? In many ways peaceful parenting comes easy to me...i'm very empathetic, but I am feeling more pain than they are (so the truth is being distorted?) and don't know what to do about it.

 

Any insight would be appreciated, thanks

[dsayers]

Is it that I'm being too sensitive and want to stop MY suffering, since I feel suffering when they are not happy?

I think so, yes. Wanting for them to be happy is a great, over-arching goal. But it isn't realistic in a moment to moment basis. If when they were learning to walk, they fell and experienced happiness, they would have no motivation to overcome that failing. To say that you'd want for them to be happy in that moment that they're feeling what some might describe as less savory emotions, you would be invalidating their experiences. It would be like saying that you want them to be happy so unrealistically so that you would ignore and try to overwrite any other experience.

 

Thank you very much for peacefully parenting your children. And for loving them enough that you would seek help in a time of need. I hope that this has been helpful. Of course I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. But sometimes in the middle of it all, it can be challenging keeping sight of it all and applying things we know evenly.

[Kevin Beal]

In many ways peaceful parenting comes easy to me...i'm very empathetic, but I am feeling more pain than they are (so the truth is being distorted?) and don't know what to do about it.

You don't say how you know that. Is it that you feel more pain subjectively, or do you perceive that the subject of your pain is more important/appropriate? Not really important in the scheme of things, this just popped out at me as confusing.

 

So is the dad not around?

 

At any rate, this is a normal parental challenge, as far as I understand it. Learning how to deal with boredom and frustration is important and doesn't come automatically. But it's not trivial to experience frustration. Too much frustration is depression. Too much frustration leads to diminished self esteem and a sense of the world that it is too difficult or stacked against you. The solution is gaining mastery over your world.

 

What do you do when you're feeling frustrated or bored? Do your kids get to observe you handle these things productively?

 

I love the quote "there are no boring things, only boring people" because it shifts the burden of responsibility onto the person. Driving long distances can be boring or it can be a blast, depending on how you proactively handle the situation. Maybe a conversation about swear words, or some other taboo topic, or singing "row row row your boat" at different measures, or games. Point is, there are no boring things. There's always something you can do to keep things interesting.

 

Frustration is having an expectation that doesn't match up with reality. By looking at the expectation and reevaluating things, you can avoid having that same frustration in the future, and reassert your efficacy as a thinking person. By having conversations about what to expect, you can discover things that are difficult to let go of and discover the important conversation and opportunity for connection that presents.

 

Curiosity is the cure to frustration. And being curious with yourself and with your kids, you can give them the tools to examine their own preconceptions, assert the power of their own minds.

 

It seems like you are associating some of the helplessness now with helplessness in the past. That may be worth examining, or maybe that association will always be there and you just need to be a little more vigilant than someone without that experience.

 

You are a competent adult who has gotten this far already. You can handle it. You don't need reassurance, you need to get creative! And you can do it like a boss, if you commit to it. And I think you already know all of this too, but a reminder is always nice.

[shirgall]

An important aspect of maturity is coming to the realization that one is responsible for one's own happiness and is not responsible for someone else's. While it is gratifying to delight someone, it is not an obligation to do so. As a parent, I certainly felt compelled to delight my children to instill the sense of wonder and excitement that leads them to growth.

[Jaeger]

And so I am compelled to ask anyone who is listening to reassure me that it is normal for children to get upset when things don't go their way and to get frustrated and bored and irritable, the same way adults get from time to time. 

I find it to be normal at least with my eight kids.  I find they complain about being bored but left to their own devices they will think of something to do and with in 15 minutes or so they have created their own new game.  I think the more a kid learns how to free play the less times they are bored.  Since we started unschooling the boredom has greatly diminished.  I suspect a lot of it is because schools don't teach free thinking so the children are conditioned to wait for instructions from an adult.

 

As far as them being frustrated and irritable I think that is normal too.  My 5 year old son is learning how to ride his bike and will get very frustrated after falling down over and over.  He will stomp off and say "I will never ride a bike again".  Sure enough 15 minutes latter he's at it again.  I think it is healthy for a kid to express his/her displeasure.  They need to get it off their chest, just like adults do, even if it is just a little thing.

[brucethecollie]

Thank you so much for all the responses. I really needed to hear all this. You know how sometimes a person can worry themselves into a tizzy? That is what I was feeling but I got a ton of perspective and gentle reminders and ideas of things to do. 

 

 

You don't say how you know that. Is it that you feel more pain subjectively, or do you perceive that the subject of your pain is more important/appropriate? Not really important in the scheme of things, this just popped out at me as confusing.

 

So is the dad not around?

 

At any rate, this is a normal parental challenge, as far as I understand it. Learning how to deal with boredom and frustration is important and doesn't come automatically. But it's not trivial to experience frustration. Too much frustration is depression. Too much frustration leads to diminished self esteem and a sense of the world that it is too difficult or stacked against you. The solution is gaining mastery over your world.

 

What do you do when you're feeling frustrated or bored? Do your kids get to observe you handle these things productively?

 

I love the quote "there are no boring things, only boring people" because it shifts the burden of responsibility onto the person. Driving long distances can be boring or it can be a blast, depending on how you proactively handle the situation. Maybe a conversation about swear words, or some other taboo topic, or singing "row row row your boat" at different measures, or games. Point is, there are no boring things. There's always something you can do to keep things interesting.

 

Frustration is having an expectation that doesn't match up with reality. By looking at the expectation and reevaluating things, you can avoid having that same frustration in the future, and reassert your efficacy as a thinking person. By having conversations about what to expect, you can discover things that are difficult to let go of and discover the important conversation and opportunity for connection that presents.

 

Curiosity is the cure to frustration. And being curious with yourself and with your kids, you can give them the tools to examine their own preconceptions, assert the power of their own minds.

 

It seems like you are associating some of the helplessness now with helplessness in the past. That may be worth examining, or maybe that association will always be there and you just need to be a little more vigilant than someone without that experience.

 

You are a competent adult who has gotten this far already. You can handle it. You don't need reassurance, you need to get creative! And you can do it like a boss, if you commit to it. And I think you already know all of this too, but a reminder is always nice.

 

I agree that comment you pointed out is confusing. I was so overwhelmed when I was writing I was unclear there to say the least. What I mean is they will have their moment of frustration and be over it in 10 minutes and I will feel stress over that for hours. 

 

You know how in comedies someone will slap someone who is irrationally flying off the tracks and that person will thank them for it? That's kind of how your response felt (without the violence factor lol) and I really appreciate it. 

 

Their dad is around--my husband, he is really chill and logical and I hope that he doesn't always have to work 12 hour days plus Saturdays since it would be nice for the kids to have more of his very easy going personality. I'm more driven but I like how my husband models acceptance and satisfaction with the here and now. I freelance from home before the kids wake and after they go to bed in hopes that we can lower his work hours soon.

 

You reminded me of a song I like with a"if you're bored then you're boring" line in it and I told my daughter that some people say that there are no boring things just boring people. And I asked her what she thought about that. She said, "I shouldn't say i'm bored then because I think that's the wrong word." So I asked her to try and think of the specific word to describe how she was feeling and she said, "I want to do something we normally don't do. I like doing new things all the time."

 

And I got it. I've been struggling because my twins are major opposites and so we are constantly compromising about how we go about our day. One likes routine the way an old person might and the other could be out all day hopping from one activity to the other. So I sat them down to talk about this and kept thinking "be creative" to myself and the last couple of days were SO much better. Also, I can be really enthusiastic about almost anything as long as I'm not tired. So I am planning on cutting back dramatically on a coaching business I have. 

 

I'm rarely bored and generally find something to do but lately, I do feel frustrated often. And actually, insurance changes caused me to change my insulin types recently which is causing me major frustration and mood swings and medical emergency scenarios. I'm staying peaceful towards the kids but they do know when I can't do something or feel really sick due to dangerously high blood sugars (which I rarely had before). So I'm in the process of adjusting to older and crappier meds and I think that is also something which sparked this type of call for help. Funny though how the awareness of all this positively influenced the kids over the last few days. I guess like they say, awareness is key. And I'm more aware now that I should cut back on some work and really tackle my insulin management in order to handle my frustration so they don't bleed on everyone else.

 

Mellomama I like how you respond when your kids say they are bored. I usually go through a list of things they could do as they shoot them down until their eyes light up about something. Sometimes I'm too tired to do anything except empathize. Sometimes I say "it's normal to feel bored, but we can think of something to do..." and then we brainstorm. 

 

Anyway, I got something useful from everyone's response, thank you all SO much.