How to help my kids overcome shyness

[Antonia N_]

Hey all! I am shy. I have made a HUGE effort to overcome this, but I see some of the same painful childhood themes reoccurring in my kid's lives. Honestly, these things make me want to become a sopping mess of tears on the floor and never allow them to socialize again (I know what direction I should go in in therapy, lol). Does anyone have advice on helping my children develop better social skills when this is something I too struggle with? I am finding it nearly impossible to just offer practical advice when this topic is sooo fraught with emotion for me.

A few things I've noticed: So, in groups, there is always the alpha. Some people either like being betas, or don't notice. Ive always noticed, and would feel like it was a huge blow to my pride to be one of the betas begging for scraps of attention from the alpha, and preferred to play alone; but then felt lonely. I noticed this with my daughter, 6, at girl scouts yesterday.

In addition, we are "city people" who now live in a pretty insular, rural community. Friendships here were established in infancy, apparently, and its pretty hard to break in. There are exceptions, of course, but as a whole, I feel only mixed success when trying to socialize.

 

This might be a bit rambling, but if anyone has any suggestions, even just general ones as to how to take yourself out of your child's experiences in triggering events, I would really appreciate it!! thanks!

[Kevin Beal]

How do you know it's a problem for them? Is it shyness or introversion?

 

If the reason it was a problem for you was the judgment/perceptions of other people, especially those close to you, then trying to become more extroverted may not be what your kids need, but simple acceptance. If it's introversion, that may be a blessing.

 

If there are clear social skills that aren't being learned, then yea, I hear you, but introversion itself is not a bad thing. It, ironically, makes people better leaders, as argued in the book Quiet by Susan Cain.

[dsayers]

Sadly, the best answer is to pursue self-knowledge and process the trauma of your childhood BEFORE having children of your own. Also, the basis for social interaction is going to come from the children's interactions with their parents, which will pre-date any relationships the children have with other caregivers and/or peers. I didn't see any mention of your spouse/the children's other parent. What are their thoughts about your situation and what you perceive to be an issue with the children?

 

I've wondered how to teach my kids some similar things, like greetings and goodbyes, table manners, etc.

Most of what children learn is from imitating the people they look up to. So modeling most of this should be sufficient. Also, what do you mean by table "manners"? I only ask because it seems to me that most of the time, the word manners refers to conclusions arrived upon by others that get inflicted. For example, if they chew up some food and then display it on an outstretched tongue, you could let them know that this sort of things will bother most people. And while catering to others isn't a good base standard by which to select our behaviors, optional behaviors such as that are easily edited out for the benefit of not breaking social ties I think.

 

Overall, I like Stef's approach of talking as if equals and demonstrating that just because you're a parent doesn't mean you're perfect or always right. You might find that when having such discussions, they offer interesting objections or counterpoints. Then you can wade through it together and even share your findings with others

[neeeel]

It does sound like theres a lot of "you" in your post, and not much of your kids.You are reading things into the situations you describe, that may not be there ( of course, they may also be there, but it might be useful to find out). 

 

Are you in therapy? Perhaps, if you work through your shyness, and become more confident and open, that will naturally communicate itself to your kids. The general idea is that kids relate to others , how they were related to by their caregivers. 

 

Do they have a problem when playing with other kids? Are they always on their own? Do they have a group of friends( either big or small)? Do they generally mix well with people they know, adult or child?

 

Or are you more talking about adult social skills, which, while they may be useful to an adult, I can understand why kids would dismiss these arbitrary seemingly stupid rules.

[aviet]

This will only be part of the puzzle - finding something that your children will gain self-worth from; as well as encouraging them to develop their character, confidence in their judgement etc.

Taking them out shooting with a couple of country blowhards might be a good idea. Real-life experiences. None of that namby-pampy stuff.