Child Abuse Confrontation with my parents

[Alin]

Here is my discussion with my parents about the abuse they inflicted during childhood. There was a total of 2 such discussions. After having a 1st discussion in which (I believed) I finally got closure, their criticisms of me sparked a second confrontation, in which their mask wore off and I saw what I knew to be the truth all along. I'll try to keep these as accurate as they were in reality:

Confrontation 1 (Calm, rational conversation initiated by me. I take both parents into a room, sit them down, and I proceed):
Me: I list all the things that I remember they did: beatings, being spat on, humiliations, being yelled at, not being on my side if a situation arised, etc. I pulled stuff out of my head that was dormant and unconscious, and put it on paper, for almost a year while listening to FDR (not the political stuff, the personal therapeutic stuff), as stuff kept coming up. One by one, I list these things, and we discuss them. How I was beaten, things I remember, things they said.
My father agrees that he has done a lot of wrong, while also trying to insert some "but it was for your own good" BS which I annihilate right away and dismiss it as nonsense. At first he tried to switch it up and make it out to be about me and how I "dissapoint" my parents, but that didn't work on me either. I keep going, my mother smirks at some stuff I say about her beating me, tries to make up excuses about being "stressed", the usual bs parents give. I call her out on it, these are no valid excuses. I am amazed at the fact that my father admits everything. I am surprised, is this real? They showed no interest all these years. Or ever. But at the same time I sense there is no further interest, no genuine interest. I shrug it off, and I ask for an apology. They give it to me. Still, genuine apologize come without being requested.
 

Confrontation 2 (Angry conversation, after I receive criticisms for being the way I am from the people who are actually responsible for it. People get medals for killing, and I get criticism for minding my own business):
Mother: So when do you move out? I don't want to talk to you or hear from you ever again.
Me: Nobody's forcing you to talk to me. If I say leave me alone, then leave me alone. You're the one who's talking to me first, are you crazy?
Mother: At my workplace there are kids who are well-raised and well-educated (implying I am not, and at the same time blaming me for how I was raised - unbelievable)
Me: You did the job of raising me, so what you're actually doing is criticizing yourself?
Mother: Ok, I heard enough from you, shut up.
Father: He's kinda right there, about 99%
Me: At my workplace there are parents who don't mistreat, beat up, and try to one-up their children their entire lives. You're so brave, fighting and competing with your child, clap.
Father: I really didn't think you'd argue like this with your mother. You know, ever since the 8th grade you have distanced yourself from us. (Mistake: a child doesn't distance himself from the parents, it's the parents that aren't close enough to the child)
Me: Oh, you mean, I didn't want to be that much around people who beat me, yell at me, humiliate me, and mistreat me in every way? I'm such an evil person. You're right.
Father: I didn't beat you. Just a few slaps here and there. (after admitting the horrible beatings in the 1st discussion - what?!)
Me: You beat me. You are clueless as to the effects of what you have done. You have no idea what you've done.
Mother: *ridiculing* You got problems, this beating thing is stuck in your head.
Me: I don't have problems, I just have a really good memory. You have completely failed as a parent. Behaviour is modelled in early years during child development.
Father: What would a psychologist say to you if kept telling him these things? He'd probably tell you you need to forget this and move on, what would you say to him?
Me: That he has failed in his profession. A good therapist would say "I see what you went through, and I see how your parents don't care about it".
Father: You shouldn't be like this, you should be X, Y, Z. And remember the good things I did for you, I put food on your plate.
Me: That was your responsibility as a parent.
Father: *angry loud voice* That's bullshit, I had no responsibility. Give me a break with this responsibility crap.
Me: When you have a child, it's your responsibility to give them food. Do you want a fucking medal?
Father: No it's not
Me: Then you're a murderer. Your child starves and dies.
Father: So he dies then.
Me: So you're a murderer then.
Father: Ok, I have a question for you. What is "home" for you, just answer that to me.
Me: There is no home.

My direct cold answer strikes him and I see desperation in his eyes.

It's that much more painful to see that it was all an act the first time. But I feel better just having the courage to stand up and fight for me.

Therapy and moving out soon.

[dsayers]

Thanks for sharing this. I see a lot of deflection here. Like when your father brings up a psychologist and asks what you'd say to them in order to avoid having to say something to you. I know how challenging this is to spot in the moment and not get swayed by it.

 

Have you yet seen Stef's Bomb in the Brain series? I think it might help you to process the reality of your situation. The way your mother started talking about other people, it's clear to me that the two of you do not have agreed upon standards. As such, there can be no conversation between the two of you. Any attempt will just frustrate you and galvanize her resolve.

 

Also, are you still living with them? Are you able to move out right now? I only ask because I don't think it's very good for self-preservation to be so provocative when you're dependent upon them. I'm not blaming you as it would be understandable if you did a whole lot more. It's just one of those lessons I learned along the way and wanted to try and help with that.

[ThomasTheIdealist]

Confrontation 2 (Angry conversation, after I receive criticisms for being the way I am from the people who are actually responsible for it. People get medals for killing, and I get criticism for minding my own business):

Do you think you're going to improve yourself by blaming your parents' actions for all your shortcomings and failures? Surely people have experienced worse abuse than you have and don't share your issues. I don't think it's going to be helpful to ignore your own role in defining your life and dwelling on every external misdeed...

 

Your parents fucked up, and I don't understand what you think they should be doing now. They figuratively pissed in the pool and it's not like they can forage through the water to remove the piss. We've all been abused to varying extents and we should bring it to light and make sure we don't perpetuate it. I have no clue what you want from your parents, for them to stop criticizing you?

[Alin]

Thanks for sharing this. I see a lot of deflection here. Like when your father brings up a psychologist and asks what you'd say to them in order to avoid having to say something to you. I know how challenging this is to spot in the moment and not get swayed by it.

 

Have you yet seen Stef's Bomb in the Brain series? I think it might help you to process the reality of your situation. The way your mother started talking about other people, it's clear to me that the two of you do not have agreed upon standards. As such, there can be no conversation between the two of you. Any attempt will just frustrate you and galvanize her resolve.

 

Also, are you still living with them? Are you able to move out right now? I only ask because I don't think it's very good for self-preservation to be so provocative when you're dependent upon them. I'm not blaming you as it would be understandable if you did a whole lot more. It's just one of those lessons I learned along the way and wanted to try and help with that.

 

I will move out soon. Also planning on therapy. I'll see how I can manage my finances. I'll watch the Bomb in the Brain thanks a lot

 

 

Do you think you're going to improve yourself by blaming your parents' actions for all your shortcomings and failures? Surely people have experienced worse abuse than you have and don't share your issues. I don't think it's going to be helpful to ignore your own role in defining your life and dwelling on every external misdeed...

 

Your parents fucked up, and I don't understand what you think they should be doing now. They figuratively pissed in the pool and it's not like they can forage through the water to remove the piss. We've all been abused to varying extents and we should bring it to light and make sure we don't perpetuate it. I have no clue what you want from your parents, for them to stop criticizing you?

I stopped reading after the first 12 words. I am sharing an experience here. Go be retarded in another thread

[cab21]

so you got closure

best wishes with moving out and therapy.

 

I wonder  about what if would sound like for a confrontation to have had a better result?

 

"Mother: What if we went to therapy as a family? I realize that I have damaged our relationship, and I would love to work through how I can have a better relationship with you? I want a relationship where we choose to be connected, and I think therapy will be beneficial for helping me see a pathway to improving my relationship with you, myself and your father "

 

[ThomasTheIdealist]

I stopped reading after the first 12 words. I am sharing an experience here. Go be retarded in another thread

A shame. I thought perhaps you were interested in actually improving yourself and absorbing advice/feedback. But I see you're truly invested in being a perpetual victim and never taking responsibility, expecting someone else to make you better. Reminds me of the stereotypical Bernie supporter and triggered tumblr feminist.

 

I could be wrong, that's just the impression I get from your sharing of this experience along with the experience itself. I'm abrasive, but it's my intent to help. It's never helped me to have people pat me on the back and affirm my victimhood. I'm not sure what responses you were expecting.

[Mister Mister]

A shame. I thought perhaps you were interested in actually improving yourself and absorbing advice/feedback. But I see you're truly invested in being a perpetual victim and never taking responsibility, expecting someone else to make you better. Reminds me of the stereotypical Bernie supporter and triggered tumblr feminist.

 

I could be wrong, that's just the impression I get from your sharing of this experience along with the experience itself. I'm abrasive, but it's my intent to help. It's never helped me to have people pat me on the back and affirm my victimhood. I'm not sure what responses you were expecting.

How have you improved yourself, and how are you doing in your life?  Because from what I've seen, you are severely lacking in empathy, have issues reasoning, display emotional immaturity, and poor communication skills.  But, please tell me, how are you doing in your life, and why should someone take advice from you as to how to improve themselves?

Here is my discussion with my parents about the abuse they inflicted during childhood. There was a total of 2 such discussions. After having a 1st discussion in which (I believed) I finally got closure, their criticisms of me sparked a second confrontation, in which their mask wore off and I saw what I knew to be the truth all along. I'll try to keep these as accurate as they were in reality:

 

Confrontation 1 (Calm, rational conversation initiated by me. I take both parents into a room, sit them down, and I proceed):

Me: I list all the things that I remember they did: beatings, being spat on, humiliations, being yelled at, not being on my side if a situation arised, etc. I pulled stuff out of my head that was dormant and unconscious, and put it on paper, for almost a year while listening to FDR (not the political stuff, the personal therapeutic stuff), as stuff kept coming up. One by one, I list these things, and we discuss them. How I was beaten, things I remember, things they said.

My father agrees that he has done a lot of wrong, while also trying to insert some "but it was for your own good" BS which I annihilate right away and dismiss it as nonsense. At first he tried to switch it up and make it out to be about me and how I "dissapoint" my parents, but that didn't work on me either. I keep going, my mother smirks at some stuff I say about her beating me, tries to make up excuses about being "stressed", the usual bs parents give. I call her out on it, these are no valid excuses. I am amazed at the fact that my father admits everything. I am surprised, is this real? They showed no interest all these years. Or ever. But at the same time I sense there is no further interest, no genuine interest. I shrug it off, and I ask for an apology. They give it to me. Still, genuine apologize come without being requested.

 

 

Confrontation 2 (Angry conversation, after I receive criticisms for being the way I am from the people who are actually responsible for it. People get medals for killing, and I get criticism for minding my own business):

Mother: So when do you move out? I don't want to talk to you or hear from you ever again.

Me: Nobody's forcing you to talk to me. If I say leave me alone, then leave me alone. You're the one who's talking to me first, are you crazy?

Mother: At my workplace there are kids who are well-raised and well-educated (implying I am not, and at the same time blaming me for how I was raised - unbelievable)

Me: You did the job of raising me, so what you're actually doing is criticizing yourself?

Mother: Ok, I heard enough from you, shut up.

Father: He's kinda right there, about 99%

Me: At my workplace there are parents who don't mistreat, beat up, and try to one-up their children their entire lives. You're so brave, fighting and competing with your child, clap.

Father: I really didn't think you'd argue like this with your mother. You know, ever since the 8th grade you have distanced yourself from us. (Mistake: a child doesn't distance himself from the parents, it's the parents that aren't close enough to the child)

Me: Oh, you mean, I didn't want to be that much around people who beat me, yell at me, humiliate me, and mistreat me in every way? I'm such an evil person. You're right.

Father: I didn't beat you. Just a few slaps here and there. (after admitting the horrible beatings in the 1st discussion - what?!)

Me: You beat me. You are clueless as to the effects of what you have done. You have no idea what you've done.

Mother: *ridiculing* You got problems, this beating thing is stuck in your head.

Me: I don't have problems, I just have a really good memory. You have completely failed as a parent. Behaviour is modelled in early years during child development.

Father: What would a psychologist say to you if kept telling him these things? He'd probably tell you you need to forget this and move on, what would you say to him?

Me: That he has failed in his profession. A good therapist would say "I see what you went through, and I see how your parents don't care about it".

Father: You shouldn't be like this, you should be X, Y, Z. And remember the good things I did for you, I put food on your plate.

Me: That was your responsibility as a parent.

Father: *angry loud voice* That's bullshit, I had no responsibility. Give me a break with this responsibility crap.

Me: When you have a child, it's your responsibility to give them food. Do you want a fucking medal?

Father: No it's not

Me: Then you're a murderer. Your child starves and dies.

Father: So he dies then.

Me: So you're a murderer then.

Father: Ok, I have a question for you. What is "home" for you, just answer that to me.

Me: There is no home.

 

My direct cold answer strikes him and I see desperation in his eyes.

 

It's that much more painful to see that it was all an act the first time. But I feel better just having the courage to stand up and fight for me.

 

Therapy and moving out soon.

So sorry about what you went through, and kudos on the courage it took to bring these things up.  It sounds to me like they behaved really horribly in the past, which is nearly impossible for a person's conscience to overcome.

[Jaeger]

Hi Alin,

 

Thank so much for sharing.  I'm so sorry for the abuse and the lack of responsibility that you have received from your parents.  I wonder if your dad would respond better in a private conversation without your mom present?  For some reason I could totally see myself in your dad's shoes.  Wanting to defend my wife from perceived disrespect regardless if she deserved it or not. I can understand the look of desperation in your fathers eyes as he sees what he is doing is not working and he is losing his son.  The fact that your dad had a look of desperation in his eyes tells me that you have hope.  I tend to believe what your father told you in the first conversation is closer to how he really feels and he was just parroting your mom in the second meeting.   He may have been chastised by her after the first conversation for not sticking up for her.

 

Unfortunately my oldest son often got the brunt of my anger when he was younger.  It wasn't until I learned about peaceful parenting and owned up to the abuse I heaped upon him was I able to reconnect with him.  He is now almost 17 and the last six months have been heaven for me as he will now, out of the blue, come and hug me and tell me he loves me.  I didn't have to demand the respect  or expect him to automatically give it to me because I'm his dad,  I just had to earn it.  This is more for your dad than you, Alin.  I really feel the need to write your parents a letter  and if you feel it appropriate please feel free to share it with them.

 

Dear Alin's  Dad and Mom,

 

I want you to know how much I'm moved by how much your son loves you.  He wan'ts you to be happy.  You may not realize it but the reason he want's you to owe up to the abuse you heaped upon him in his youth is so that you can recognize it as the hurdle that is stopping you from enjoying a wonderful relationship with him.  It is not to hurt you or disrespect you or even disregard the good you did in his life.  Once this hurdle is recognized it can be overcome.  Past wrongs can be corrected, lines of communications can be reopened,  all it takes is honesty.  Honesty with oneself and to your son.  Please reconcile with your son as it is so worth it.  It is never to late to learn about becoming a peaceful parent and then becoming one.  Peaceful doesn't mean permissive just that you will resolve differences through non-aggression like talking it out and negotiation.  Learning how to communicate our displeasure without hitting and yelling but having an open dialog  where you feel safe to share your feelings and he will feel safe too do so with you also.

 

I'm a father of eight children who have eight different kinds of personalities.  I have study many parenting books over the years trying to find how I can fix some of my children,  How to get them to listen to me.  It wasn't until I stumbled upon peaceful parenting that I realized I don't need to fix my children, I need to fix myself,  I didn't need them to listen to me, I need to listen to them.  Self knowledge is the key.  Learn where the abuse came from.  Once you understand why you did the things you did you can then admit it and rectify it.  If it requires the work of a therapist then seek one out.  It is so worth it.  As you learn to better communicate with your son you will learn that not just your relationship with him is improving but all your relationships will be improving, including the one with your spouse.

 

Well I wish you luck and I hope you will accept this invitation to become peaceful  parents and seek self knowledge.

 

Yours truly,

Father of Eight