If you can not have kids... then what?

[Queensalis]

Do you date? At which point in the relationship are you supposed to tell the other person about this? 

Does it count as you deceiving someone if you don't inform them about it right away?

[A4E]

First I want to say that, only if you have spent a lot of time researching on internet, listening to experts, and after a thorough, perhaps off and on multi year investigation, should you ever conclude that you can not create children. You should not make such a conclusion based on what one or more individuals in white coats have told you.

 

Unless you want a relationship to crash and burn and end in a lot of pain, yes, of course you should tell the truth as soon as possible. But this is kind of a non issue in todays society because you already know how to use internet. You can probably go on any dating site and it would have a criteria called "Does not want children", which means you won't even have to tell any potential dates from there, as it would be their responsibility to make themselves informed of your criteria.

 

If you refuse to use online dating, then honesty is the key for long term happiness. Lying wastes time, tortures everyone involved emotionally, and leads to more and more conflict, instead of less and less with honesty. Lying=bad relationship, Honesty=good relationship. True for yourself as well.

[Queensalis]

So you would go as far as to dump that information on potential partner before the two of you even finish ordering your coffee and figure out if you have similar enough movie tastes, or perhaps could it wait until second or third meeting, if they happen?

[aviet]

I don't think there is any need for this to be something you disclose ASAP, but I would expect it to be made known at a point that it becomes serious or earlier if there is a notion that you are both looking to settle down in the near future.

As someone who would prefer settling down in the near future, this would not bother me, even though it is not ideal. If you are a good match, it in no way comes close to negating that good match. Your qualities as a good match would far out weigh your reproductive status, which can be addressed.

If this is a problem for your romantic interest, then you are obviously not a good match. And if they dump you just because of this, that would suggest to me that they are probably not a great catch.

If you feel guilt for withholding this information, then it seems apparent you should tell the person now.

The obvious point of disclosure would be at any point a discussion on having children comes up.

[Will Torbald]

So you would go as far as to dump that information on potential partner before the two of you even finish ordering your coffee and figure out if you have similar enough movie tastes, or perhaps could it wait until second or third meeting, if they happen?

 

Information isn't dumped, it is given. It doesn't need to be directly or bluntly. But men do need to know because it significantly changes the motivation for the man. For example, I found out one of my friends whom I know from online only couldn't have children herself, but she didn't come forth to tell me that, it came out naturally as part of a conversation. It surprised me, but it also made sense since it put in perspective all her behaviors that I thought were odd for someone young as her. If you know the man you're going out with wants to date you for real, it is important to let him know. If he is only interested as a friend, or a coleague, or a fling, it doesn't need to be known immediately before the coffee is cold.

[dsayers]

So you would go as far as to dump that information on potential partner before the two of you even finish ordering your coffee and figure out if you have similar enough movie tastes, or perhaps could it wait until second or third meeting, if they happen?

It all depends on what you're looking for. I personally will not settle for a casual relationship. If I were to meet somebody that I couldn't go all the way in life with, I wouldn't be committing to them. So for me, finding out if a person I'm interested in is of the same mind will be a very early question for me. It wouldn't mean that they're looking to settle down WITH ME, but it would mean an important compatibility check. So for me, this information will be on both sides of the table early because it's important to me.

 

I personally am impressed and admire that you care enough about your potential future partner(s) that you would ask this question. If it's something of importance to them as it is with me, then I would anticipate it's going to come out fairly early for them. Since you're posting the question, I don't think you're going to be deliberately hiding it from somebody, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'd bet that you'll bring it up when it's appropriate. The more you care about somebody, the more you flesh out the deal-breakers. I'm speaking from experience here.

[Mister Mister]

I'm sorry to hear about that.  are you interested in adoption or surrogacy?

[Queensalis]

I'm not yet in position to raise a child so I didn't look into all the possibilities, but I don't think I would go for surrogate if there are kids left in the world to adopt. 

Though I'm not sure if I would even be competent to raise a child with my oversensitivity.

[dsayers]

Though I'm not sure if I would even be competent to raise a child with my oversensitivity.

I continue to appreciate your level of integrity. What do you mean by oversensitivity though if that's not a rude question? And how do you know that it's yours? If it has no evolutionary purpose and you didn't deliberately develop it (and especially if it prevented you from being competent to raise children), I would argue it was inflicted upon you and owning it would be a disservice to yourself and your future partner/children.

[Queensalis]

What do you mean by oversensitivity though if that's not a rude question? And how do you know that it's yours? If it has no evolutionary purpose and you didn't deliberately develop it (and especially if it prevented you from being competent to raise children), I would argue it was inflicted upon you and owning it would be a disservice to yourself and your future partner/children.

Oversensitivity mostly to loud and shrill sound, a mark of autistic or autistic-ish people from what I've gathered.

The only way for me to "develop" it would be if I internalised my knowledge about the sound responding cells in ears being only cells in your body that don't even try to regrow if destroyed, so if you shatter them with loud noise, it's over, you don't regain that hearing again even if you tried to spend the rest of your life in relative quiet, you're irreversibly harmed. 

 

Though the only reason I would look for that information in the first place would be because I've been experiencing pain and discomfort from certain noises in my environment and wanted to know if you even can "adapt" your ears and just "get used to it" like you could do with your eyes, adapting them back and forth from relatively brighter or darker environment. 

 

In any case, I don't see how would it be not mine.

I can argue that its evolutionary purpose could be to try to keep my hearing intact in case I may need it for something.

[Natalia]

Oversensitivity mostly to loud and shrill sound, a mark of autistic or autistic-ish people from what I've gathered.

The only way for me to "develop" it would be if I internalised my knowledge about the sound responding cells in ears being only cells in your body that don't even try to regrow if destroyed, so if you shatter them with loud noise, it's over, you don't regain that hearing again even if you tried to spend the rest of your life in relative quiet, you're irreversibly harmed.

 

Though the only reason I would look for that information in the first place would be because I've been experiencing pain and discomfort from certain noises in my environment and wanted to know if you even can "adapt" your ears and just "get used to it" like you could do with your eyes, adapting them back and forth from relatively brighter or darker environment.

 

In any case, I don't see how would it be not mine.

I can argue that its evolutionary purpose could be to try to keep my hearing intact in case I may need it for something.

Interesting, I used to have the same problem as a child. The sounds of fireworks, storms, people being loud, cinema, and—ouch!—concerts made my ears hurt a lot, what my parents took several years to understand. I ended up getting some medical earplugs to use when I was forced to go to loud environments, what helped a lot. Have you thought of that?

[dsayers]

In any case, I don't see how would it be not mine.

Yeah, at the time, I didn't think you might've meant a physical sensitivity.

 

For what it's worth, I experience things similarly. When I was engaged was about the only time I experienced a pronounced respite from it. Everything external that wasn't a threat seemed to mostly not register for me.

[Queensalis]

Well, now I have fitting earphones with these little rubbery plugs I can wear when I go into the world, but wouldn't that just look really oddly if I raised kids with plugged ears?

[Natalia]

Well, now I have fitting earphones with these little rubbery plugs I can wear when I go into the world, but wouldn't that just look really oddly if I raised kids with plugged ears?

Well, it’s up to you. I personally wouldn't let something trivial like that stop me.