On the inner-bully (warning: violence)

[Danske]

I thought I'd give my thoughts on this topic because it seems I have an issue that doesn't seem to be all that common (or at least not that obvious) around here.

 

I've had a mixed experience with bullying in my life. Particularly in terms of mental bullying and psychological domination.

 

In the house I grew up in. Insults were thrown about with total abandon and with accompanying rage. It seemed like the only way to carve out enough space for me to breathe was to issue a humiliation or shaming remark to someone that would act like a kind of mental cattleprod shock, that would temporarily dent the ego of the other and keep them away for a small amount of time.

 

On a few occasions when the abuse and hostile atmosphere got too much I would lash out, I remember feeling satisfaction at striking my brother's skull with my fist. 

 

My violent fantasies in regard to my family are all to do with blows to the head. Looking back, obviously I loathed them for what went on in their heads the most. Physically nothing about them offended me (why would it?). Different brains in the same bodies would have been great. The fantasies I have had in the months of defooing all involve tying them up and issuing baseball bat blows to the head.

 

Even now in conflict I feel the same way. In arguments if I feel attacked or cornered I slip into a terminator mode of detachment where all I see before me is a few pounds of offensive meat encased in a skull that if I cannot strike directly, I will use all my self-knowledge and knowledge of psychology to break it and turn it in on itself with shame, humiliation etc etc.

 

I understand this will cause me no end of grief in my life if I cannot work through it. I think my prior counsellors have been intimidated by this 'inner bully' that I have and so when it came up their empathy dropped like a power line in a rainstorm, and the therapy continued in a kind of lifeless way until things petered out. In particular I feel women simply disengage when this part of me comes up, even if it is attacking those who are not present, because obviously they know it's ire could be turned on them too.

 

I think (from what I gather), a lot of people in FDR are bully victims, and though they may be defooing and feeling lots of anger. This is the first time it has surfaced for them and so it is manageable. Whereas for me it feels as if my inner-bully surfaced rather early and has become a malignant and extreme part of my personality. I feel it stands in my way and isn't so nice to deal with for anyone. I was wondering if any of you have had similar experiences and what helped you handle it?

[dsayers]

Why do you call it an inner-bully? To me, a bully initiates whereas you're describing reaction to such initiation.

 

It's a healthy FANTASY because in that it is your subconscious telling you that you are in danger. While eliminating the threat is one way to escape, I think you realize that we live in a society where you would be re-victimized for acting upon it. Unfortunately, we still live in relatively primitive times where children's rights and/or psychological abuse aren't yet fully taken seriously. So for your own sake, I think you'd be better off escaping by other means.

 

if I cannot strike directly, I will use all my self-knowledge and knowledge of psychology to break it and turn it in on itself with shame, humiliation etc etc.

I wouldn't count on this. Such a brain would have to be capable of empathy in order for such tactics to work as you describe. It sounds as if empathy is not present, which is how the abuse is.

 

I'm so sorry that this has been your experience. As for what you can do about it, I think once you've escaped it, you will find the fantasies largely subsiding since what they're a response to will be gone. I know when I stopped having anything to do with my mother, the pronounced, deliberate absence of me in her life would've hurt her more than anything I could've actively done.

[AccuTron]

You're not an inner bully.  I had a violent neighbor who wanted to badly hurt anyone he could get to, that's a bully.  You are mentally and accurately targeting the real bullies, you simply and justly want them to stop being evil, and they won't do it on their own, so the frankly most effective result would be to crack their heads open.  Your brain is being quite reasonable at that level, it's how you'd treat a mosquito or rabid animal.  

 

This is no longer a societal option, plus or minus the value of that, so it's internalized, and worse, reversed direction back at you.  (Like a trapped light beam, it can't escape your skull so it reflects and refracts back inside.)  

 

Don't blame yourself, write out a long list of others to blame, including probably almost anyone you can think of in "a position of trust."  That might have it's own discovered value, who else was supporting your abuse in a secondary or passive role?  

 

You might also try a dart board with their pictures on it -- or maybe just their names on slips of paper.  It might get aggression out (at least letting off a bit).  Even more interesting, it might show that your hand hesitates to throw at some images, causing terrible aim, which could be good beginning insight.  (Get a wide backdrop to protect your wall!)

 

I wrote elsewhere about the Japanese study of pistol shooting, Kenjuu Do; a hand dart is similar. Zen benefits of Kenjuudo, The Way Of The (target pistol) - Self Knowledge - Freedomain Radio Message Board.  Each shot reveals the mind of the shooter, if they have the sense to be aware, the target is secondary.  Partly because my air pistol has a huge charging and trigger force, I limit myself to five darts per set.  That's muscles, but it's mind too -- five darts is a sample of your thinking, more is maybe wallowing in it, and losing the original freshness of insight.  Several five dart sets per day is mental exercise.  You may eventually stop using the images entirely.

 

“The shooting practitioner does not look at the target for the result of his or her practice, but inward, for the target is not a target – it is a mirror.   And if the heart is right, each shot clears away some more of the obstacles clouding the vision of one’s true nature.”

—Zen in the art of pistol shooting website