Seeing a therapist who is a single mother

[stMarkus]

Hey,

 

I have this issue that I feel I need more opinions on.

 

The backstory:

I'm 25, therapist is 33, has a 6-year-old son and she is a single mother. Basically she and her partner -I don't know if they were married- decided to have a child and sometime after that they separated because, according to her, they were having problems with each other. I'm not sure about the time frame and I don't know the details yet -we've had about 6 2-3 hour sessions- but I'm planning to ask her more about it soon.

 

She seems to care about her son, wants to not put her to a school, seems to be a caring person. She actually quit being a therapist officially, she is now a travel organizer but she is open to seeing me regularly as a therapist.

 

The issue

I've experienced emotional bonding with her and it feels we're both invested in this therapeutic relationship but sometimes, like now, I just feel blocked from this relationship due to her being s single mother. A few times that I've addressed that it might be bad for the child she seemed to get a little defensive as she thinks she is doing a good job as a mother although she seems to acknowledge that she's made mistakes. Also I haven't specifically decided to discuss this in length with her yet.

 

Some of the times I've called my mother a bad person, she has had some objections and sometimes she feels personally affected by my judgements of my mother as a parent. I don't know what all that means yet, I'm hoping to find out with our next conversation.

 

The worst part is that there is a wonderful emotional bond between me and her but as soon as I start to ponder upon this issue, it's just gone. It might have something to do with my inability to accept people as a whole, including their more negative sides. I'm not sure.

 

I'm looking for opinions on this issue or what anyone else would do in my situation etc.

[AccuTron]

Sounds way too complicated for a valid or effective therapist relationship.  I mean, you're telling us your problems (I say this in an off hand conversational way) and they're mostly about your therapist!  (I realize that you were only focusing on this one issue.)  

 

This image comes to my mind:  Sometimes a vacuum cleaner will snag some long loose threads from someplace, and they wrap around the roller brush, tight between the bristles.  We don't even know they're there until there's enough to cause a problem, and we have to meticulously unwind the whole mess.  My non-professional opinion is to find a therapist with fewer loose threads.

 

I go to my car mechanic because he does good work, not because I have a crush on him.

 

It sounds like you might want to date her?  In which case, can't be a therapist at the same time.  And for dating, the defensive reactions seem to be red flags.  And of course, yawn, that eternal question, "Why (really) are you a single mother?"  And a therapist too, suspicious.  You are both in ages, male and female specific, where hormones that make us go panting after someone are at their peak.  Clear thinking is greatly reduced.

 

Asking a therapist about her family life, other than the most general question, nor maybe even that, sounds out of bounds.  Not for being unethical, but for being confusing.  It's backwards of why you are there, it's you and not her, and seems like boundaries are muddled.    

[Susana]

sounds like a very bad therapist. Any reason why you would not immediately switch to a new one? Maybe a male therapist?

 

Edit to add: Also by staying with this therapist you are voting with your dollar and economically supporting a single mother

[dsayers]

I've seen first hand what utilizing a therapist who has a blind spot where you need them to be proficient looks like. It can actually lead towards taking steps BACKWARDS! If you proceed, it needs to be for reasons that offset this. Only you can decide if the pros outweigh the cons. Have you shopped around? It seems like this is something that should've been spotted during the interview process. Maybe start interviewing others and see if you can't find one that doesn't have this or other pronounced blind spots.

[Danske]

I've had a therapist with a huge blind spot too. Basically she is afraid of anger and male assertiveness. So those parts of me simply didn't get processed or acknowledged. Still I ended up seeing her for faaar too long.

 

It sounds more like you doing therapy (trying to teach her about responsibility etc) for her than the other way around. Frankly disgusting. As I've heard described about a lot of female therapists, you end up knowing more about their shit than they do about yours.

Don't make my mistake and cut your losses early.

[Kevin Beal]

If talking about it with her creates trust, then that strikes me as a good sign. If she responds defensively, that will erode trust and the therapeutic relationship will suffer.

 

Trust with a single mother therapist beats no trust with someone who's not one.

[AccuTron]

Wow...2-3 hour sessions? I just noticed that and it seems completely out of the ordinary. Maybe I'm wrong and others have heard of this, but I never have. That seems really odd/unusual.

Oh yeah, I missed that one.  I think my mind would be mush after that.  I don't think we can process that much information at once.

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

This whole situation sounds very strange to me.

 

Why are you talking so much about her personal life? Aren't you paying her to talk about your problems? Is she unable to enforce professional boundaries with you that she allows you to discuss something as personal as her reproductive choices?

 

Sessions running between two and three hours seems an excessively long time. I have heard of the occasional two hour session, but rarely as a regular occurrence. I have never heard of three hours.

 

If she is not working as a therapist, why has she agreed to make an exception for you?

 

Why do you feel so emotionally bonded to her after such a short time?

 

I think this sounds like a very odd patient-therapist relationship and not a relationship you should continue. I also agree with the comment that you are supporting a single mother with your money by giving her your business and if you are really morally opposed to single motherhood, you should reconsider where you spend your money.

[stMarkus]

Couldn't respond earlier because of time zones.

 

Thank you all for your replies, this is exactly what I needed, to get some outside perspective.

 

To clarify some things:

 

2-3 hour sessions:

It's not a conventional school of psychology, it's basically a cross between CBT, psychoanalysis and deep regression therapy. Essentially talk therapy with the option of doing something similar to hypnosis in sessions. The length of their sessions is just longer than what is usual in other schools of psychology and I like the longer sessions very much. In fact, I think 45 min for a session is just ridiculously short to get anything done.

 

Why I care about her personal issues:

I'm convinced that therapy can only be useful for me if there exists an actual emotional bond between the therapist and the client. It relates to my main problem which is betrayal by my mother, the bond between me and her getting abruptly cut off at late latency stage and me being isolated, not being able to bond with people and so on...... Anyway every time it was me who brought up the questions about her life, it's just easier for me to relate to her if I know the more important things about her.

 

Do I want to date her?

No.

 

Why is she willing to see me after she quit being a therapist?

She said that she is willing to continue seeing older clients and also that she was a little worried about how I would take it she cut off therapy with me,

 

Some other notable things:

It seems that the majority of therapists at this organization are women about her age, how many of them are single mothers that I don't know. Also I agree about the interview part, that if It's necessary to get to know the therapist prior to starting. I remember I was too anxious to call her in order to ask her about her personal life before I started with her, I don't know what would've happened if I did. My last therapist was a conventional CBT practitioner with 45min sessions, a woman in her late 40s with a conventional family who was rather reticent about opening herself up to me and being vulnerable. It was more of a conventional therapist-client relationship, it seemed. I didn't find it a very efficient way for her to help me.

 

I do acknowledge that this kind of therapist-client relationship that I have now could be problematic but then again therapy is very complex and if the therapist is committed, it might take very unconventional ways to help the client. There are, of course, boundaries that shouldn't be crossed and so far, I don't feel she has crossed any. Still, for example, she said that I am useful to her in other ways than money and I think she meant that by getting to know my mind, she can prepare for her son growing up. This was after she offered for me to pay less and I objected and said that I prefer mutually beneficial relationships and since I can only be useful to her in terms of money, I'd feel like it would be charity.

Whatever that means, just felt like mentioning it.

 

About the emotional bonding thing... I mean I'm fucked up, really fucked up after being a substitute husband/boyfriend to my mother for most of my life and finding out she doesn't give a single fuck about who I am or whether I live or die and never did. Forming emotional bonds with women as partners is fucking impossible. So if someone, a therapist like her seems to put forth the effort to help me, I find myself wanting to trust the process even if it seems weird at times. But still, I don't know, I'm not sure and that's why I asked all of your help. I'm pretty much open to anything at the moment.

 

From what I've taken out of your responses, I'll try another therapist whom I will interview prior to the first session but I'll also see the current one at least one more time to bring up some of the things on my mind to see if she can be open and honest.

 

Does what I wrote seem sensible at all? Agree/disagree? Any further opinions? Assuming anyone is still monitoring this thread.

[Panacea27]

You don't go to your mechanic because you have a crush on him (not that romantic interest could be inferred from your original post) and for the same reason you also don't see your mechanic because of his family situation. Like any other economic transaction, therapy must be an exchange of value for value and I find the comment that your therapist made about you being useful to her very interesting.

 

In my experience seeing multiple therapists along with everything I've read and thought about the subject (Daniel Mackler comes to mind), i am also convinced of the value in unconventional approaches. Scientific studies that have been linked to in other threads seem to overwhelmingly indicate that the key ingredient to success in therapy is a strong connection. The bond is what heals the wounds that formed in the absence of a warm, loving connection when you needed it most.

 

I completely understand seeking out an outside perspective, especially in this community, when you are taking a very unconventional approach. In the video about how to find a great therapist, Stef talks about having our experiences validated as a core part of what therapy provides. I felt a strong desire to want to validate your experience after reading about it. I get the impression of you being very fierce and determined in your pursuit of healing and a better life.

 

I think that if you continue to focus on the strong connection that you feel and stay present and curious about your therapist's responses to your challenging her on whatever level you feel is necessary that you can continue to learn a lot from this experience.

 

All the best.

[dsayers]

you also don't see your mechanic because of his family situation.

I don't see the relevance. If you can go to any number of mechanics, what's wrong with choosing to avoid one for any particular reason? Isn't this how ostracism works? The way I read the thread, OP is making an assessment of value and is doing research prior to making his decision. All very healthy and reasonable in my book. I'm just afraid a comment like this could be interpreted as saying that the pursuit is foolish, which I would disagree with.

[Panacea27]

I don't see the relevance. If you can go to any number of mechanics, what's wrong with choosing to avoid one for any particular reason? Isn't this how ostracism works? The way I read the thread, OP is making an assessment of value and is doing research prior to making his decision. All very healthy and reasonable in my book. I'm just afraid a comment like this could be interpreted as saying that the pursuit is foolish, which I would disagree with.

In the rest of my comment, I was supportive of his decision, both to seek out other opinions and in his current therapy. My response was to accutron's analogy. Of course there is nothing wrong with choosing a mechanic based on their family situation but as a consumer there is an incentive to receive the best service at the best value and the family situation of the mechanic does not factor into that.

 

Then again, the family situation and personal life of a therapist does play a role since you are purchasing their emotional skills and I think that contributes to why it is such a difficult choice, for myself and others I've seen post, to make a decision on which therapist to choose. I did observe that the poster here felt a strong bond with his therapist despite his doubts and concerns about her motherhood.

 

Mellomama brings up a very important point, I think that touches on why therapy can be so confusing.

 

I've already pointed out that it is the close emotional bond that is vital to healing and yet when we have traumatic histories, we can have a strong pull towards unhealthy attachment patterns, such as "serving as surrogate boyfriend to your mother". I think this highlights the importance of having self-aware people close to you in addition to a good therapist. I hope I'm making sense and I appreciate reading all of your comments.

[stMarkus]

After the second session the current therapist offered to give me a hug because, as she said, I looked like I needed it. I declined that time but afterwards it has been customary after each session. This is something that helps to create a bond and a feeling that someone cares for you. Also the hugs are only meaningful because there is an emotional bond with the therapist. The hypnosis sessions also include physical touch but they're less significant.

 

My last therapist declined to give out any hugs after I specifically asked her for them and told her physical touch might help me. She didn't specify any reasons for her anti-hug stance. The current therapist read my emotional state and offered me something that I needed because she also knew that if she waited for me to ask, it would have had a significantly lesser effect.

 

This might have been one of the main reasons I continued seeing her after I found out she's a single mother.

[kathryn]

It sounds like there are some lack of boundaries happening, which you might be more susceptible to given your history of enmeshment with your mother. 

 

For instance, when you called your mother a bad person and your therapist "felt personally affected" by your judgments. This strikes me as highly unprofessional. You are paying this woman to be there for you emotionally and offer support, and she turned this dynamic upside down to make you responsible for her feelings. Now, I don't know the context, of course. Maybe she was saying it as some sort of caveat that she could be biased because of this or something. 

 

Also, therapy is a good place to practice RTR. So, if she was saying this as an open dialogue to discuss your feelings and her feelings, it might not be wholly bad. But, given your history of being surrogate husband to your own single-mother, I imagine the therapist most useful to you would be the kind of person who is strong enough to deal with those defensive emotions on her own. (And single mothers in general will not tend to have that sort of forbearance.)

 

Since you grew up with an enmeshed mother, you've probably already had enough practice negotiating with other people over their triggered emotions. You probably could really use a relationship where you don't have to worry about the other person's needs so much. 

 

Therapy is not supposed to be an emotionally equal relationship, that's why you are paying her. You can get therapeutic benefits from talking things out with close friends, but you check in with them and reciprocate. That is not the deal with a therapist. The reciprocity is in the monetary transaction at the end of the session. 

 

I think creating a healthy bond with a therapist is bolstered by having the boundaries of the one sided nature of the relationship clearly defined. It is a conversation, but fundamentally you guys are both there for you. 

[stMarkus]

The next time I'll meet with her, I will reduce my input towards her or her personal interests to see if the emotional bond is in any way conditional that way. I will also be weary of my possible compulsions to provide for my therapist's needs in spite of my own. I will want to do this without falling into pattern of paranoia, excessive defensiveness or shutting myself emotionally,

[AccuTron]

>Firstly Markus, congrats on your openness.  Also a recognition that there's a bit of time lag here in responding to points you may have already addressed.

 

 

I'm convinced that therapy can only be useful for me if there exists an actual emotional bond between the therapist and the client. It relates to my main problem which is betrayal by my mother,

 

>I think not.  You're looking for something in a place that it has no business being, like you were looking for breast milk from her.  An emotional bond with a therapist shouldn't exist in a two way direction; I think it's well known that clients will want to bond but it should not be reciprocated.  She's not your good mother substitute, your good mother will never exist.  Which is the sad fact to accept.  Not to steal your spotlight here, but your mother reminds me of my own.

 

 

 

 

My last therapist was a conventional CBT practitioner with 45min sessions, a woman in her late 40s with a conventional family who was rather reticent about opening herself up to me and being vulnerable.  It was more of a conventional therapist-client relationship, it seemed. I didn't find it a very efficient way for her to help me.

 

>She was probably being reticent because it was bad practice, not vulnerability.  What do you mean by efficient?  Things take time, maybe weeks before you notice something.  Gotta plot and clear the ground before the first parts of the building go up.

 

 

 

Forming emotional bonds with women as partners is fucking impossible. So if someone, a therapist like her seems to put forth the effort to help me, I find myself wanting to trust the process even if it seems weird at times. But still, I don't know, I'm not sure and that's why I asked all of your help. I'm pretty much open to anything at the moment.

 

>Your openness and your desire to learn are very strong and attractive features.  (Women, help me out here.)  You may also not have encountered someone to properly bond with, it's not a flippant thing, the odds are low.  So don't cut yourself short on being a gardener, if you haven't yet found good soil.  Sort of a zen thing, put offhand, but maybe you need to discover a self that doesn't need emotional attachment, to clear your mind at a foundational level.  Not saying it's easy, nor that we don't need these things, just saying it's a practice practice practice that may clean out some corners of your mind.  All projects go better when the workspace is first cleared.

[fokum8]

Single mothers are always so defensive about the way they raise their children. I bet there's black women in the hood right now with boyfriends in jail sitting there with 12 kids bragging to their friends about how great of a mother she is. Materially providing for your children is not all that's required. Her getting defensive about the way she treats her children is definitely an insecure and unhonest personality trait.

 

Obviously it's frowned upon to enter a relationship with your therapist, but that doesn't mean it's unhealthy 100% of the time. Zoom out, size things up, and ask yourself if you really want to commit to this woman. Don't half-ass it, for the kids sake.

[stMarkus]

@Accutron I've really enjoyed your posts. I feel vibrant and challenged when I read them, like I'm getting a truly independent, outdside perspective, which is what I was looking for.

 

She's not your good mother substitute, your good mother will never exist.

 

This is what really stood out for me. This idea has been very dear to me that this therapist represents the mother that I would have wanted to have. The idea often feels to me like I'm chasing something that I will never reach but it still feels so close and there's extreme yearning for it. Like something good was lost and I just want to regress back to it for ever.  Maybe I need to go back to that place just for a while in order to move forward? Maybe something else entirely? I don't know yet, we'll see. Through therapy.

[Freed0mAndTruth]

I feel like when you have a one-on-one situation with a person of the opposite sex, there is always some sexual tension / feelings involved.

 

If she is happily married with kids, this is usually not a problem as those feelings tend to be motherly. 

 

However, in your situation, it will eventually evolve into something. And it'll probably not be something good.

 

Don't wait for things to happen. Take action, go find another therapist.

[Eh Steve]

 

The worst part is that there is a wonderful emotional bond between me and her but as soon as I start to ponder upon the issue, it's just gone.  It might have something to do with my inability to accept people as a whole, including their more negative sides.  I'm not sure.

 

About the emotional bonding thing... I mean I'm fucked up, really fucked up after being a substitute husband/boyfriend to my mother for most of my life and finding out she doesn't give a single fuck about who I am or whether I live or die and never did.

 

This appears to be a pattern you had with your mother and may now be repeating with your therapist.  Be aware that patterns you have developed in your life are likely to repeat.  You are likely to become substitute boyfriend/husbands and have odd boundaries with women in your life.  With a therapist, a single mother in particular, this is a situation rife for that pattern to repeat.

 

 

A few times that I've addressed that it might be bad for hte child she seemed to get a little defensive as she thinks she is doing a good job as a mother although she seems to acknowledge that she's made mistakes.  Also I haven't specifically decided to discuss this in length with her yet.

 

 

Some of the times I've called my mother a bad person, she has had some objections and sometimes she feels personally affected by my judgements of my mother as a parent.  I don't know what all that means yet, I'm hoping to find out with our next conversation.

 

What do you think would happen if you questioned the therapy might be bad for you?  Would her reaction be the same to your questions about her parenting?

 

Therapy is about finding the emotional truth in your life and having a professional assist you in doing so.  The therapist is a secondary helper and your relationship with them isn't the primary factor in your ability to achieve insight into your own life.

 

Building rapport and attachment with a therapist is somewhat important.  But I would argue that a therapist you are attaching with needs to have their life together.  If this woman could not keep her romantic relationship together, odds aren't great she can help you do the same.  If this woman has questionable parenting skills, odd's aren't great she can help you have great parenting skills or be supportive of your legitimate complaints against your mother.

 

What is the point in going to someone for guidance and mentoring when you don't wish to replicate their life?

 

The unifying principle with a therapist is always honesty.  I recommend you bring these issues up with her as honestly as you can and see how her reactions make you feel.

 

From a pragmatic standpoint... There are many many therapists in the world and they differ in quality.  This particular therapist is showing signs of being a negative influence on you and fitting into many of the emotional patterns in your life you wish to change.  Your life and your time are the most precious things you have.  I would hate to see you squander it repeating patterns and not progressing.

 

You need a therapist who will help you explore your core emotions and help you break cycles of behavior set down early in life.  

 

I feel like there is some more coherent advice I could give you that is just on the tip of my tongue.  I'm tempted to just write RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

 

Your relationship with your therapist should in no way mimic your abusive childhood.

[dsayers]

I feel like when you have a one-on-one situation with a person of the opposite sex, there is always some sexual tension / feelings involved.

This isn't a feeling. Also, it seems you have presented this as if it is problematic without explaining why it's problematic. As such, you've engaged in problem -> end instead of problem -> solution. I've been in one-on-one interactions with somebody of the opposite gender without there being sexual tension (never before self-knowledge). The last time I was in a one-on-one situation with a person of the opposite gender and I DID experience sexual tension, talking about it honestly with that honest, virtuous person was all it took to dispel the tension.

 

So what you've put forth as a problem with no solution (as I see it), the solution I utilized strengthened the relationship by keeping it honest and working through a problem together.

[stMarkus]

I will do a 3h session with her, apply as much as possible of what I've taken from this thread and post the results here. She just replied to me, we'll likely meet some time next week. I'm imagining this to be like a real-life experiment, my life being under this great magnifying glass. Feels pretty amazing to do this and be a part of the whole community.

 

I've also journalled a few thousand words recently (and will do more). I will send her all or some of that before the session to see what she thinks, if anything. It wouldn't be out of the blue because she tentatively offered to exchange some form of writing previously. Will maybe post some of that here if it'll be worth posting. Actually there will probably not be much to post about that but I did just want to mention that I'll be sending her my introspective writings.

 

Thanks to Eh Steve and dsayers for the latest posts, Reading Eh Steve's post felt both painful and exciting simultaneously which was awesome. I definitely feel a strong urge to be honest with the therapist about all of the topics that might have seemed taboo before.

[Eh Steve]

I'm glad the post seems to have been helpful for you.  I'm interested to hear how your conversation with her goes.

 

I've had this several times with people I knew who were in therapy.  A good friend of mine would confide in me many things in his life he felt ashamed about or were wrong.  And then he'd tell me...he didn't tell his therapist that.  Which to me... the entire point of a therapist is feeling safe to explore the things you find completely uncomfortable or inappropriate exploring with other people or even with yourself.  Or if you are holding back on things, you can discuss honesty and trust with your therapist.  It isn't always advisable to honest with certain people, but with a therapist if you aren't being honest or are holding back, that is a real area to be explored emotionally which you can do without necessarily speaking your mind about what it is you're holding back.

 

It is often the things we hold back on saying that need to be said the most.

 

I'm glad you're being honest and exploring taboos with your therapist.  I hope it goes well

[stMarkus]

OK so I did a session with her yesterday morning and the results were extremely unexpected so I ruminated on them, let them settle for a day before posting here.

 

I felt good about seeing her the day before and the morning before. As it got closer to the actual session and when I arrived there, I started feeling more nervous and anxious as usual. That is not necessarily anything negative, it was more of a positive nervousness. I had some specific topics on my mind to start with, primarily my acceptance of responsibility over my life, my attempting to feel more in control in general and the role of control in the relationship with my mother. Another topic that I wanted to discuss concerned a book I had read recently, "Your Brain on Porn," and how it had affected my life in real and positive ways. The topics discussed on the forum and other related topics were in the back of my mind but those were the ones I was going to start out with.

 

The session begins, we're sitting down, we take some time for me to calm down a little, to start to feel present and get acclimated with the therapy setting. I still feel slightly nervous but I start talking about the control, my mother, responsibility, she says it's great to hear and asks in what ways it actually changed my life. Then I want to move to the book because I changed my habits in a very real way after reading it. Yet I start to feel this difficulty in talking about pornography, masturbation etc. I really want to talk about it but I start to feel the block, the isolation, I feel myself closing down more and more into a sad cave of loneliness and isolation. I mention a few times that I'm having difficulties in expressing this thing I want to talk about and she offers to move to another topic but I want to keep at it and we just sit there in silence mostly.

 

After about 20min into the session I'm still struggling to express myself, to say what I want to say about the book and its effect on me. Her supportive remarks and questions are not helping and I feel myself going down a spiral. I am in a pretty sad state by now. Presently she asks me to close my eyes and imagine a guide who would help me. At this moment the session is smoothly transitioning into what resembles hypnosis, she is changing the tone of her voice and helping me in visualization. Immediately and pretty clearly I see myself as a young child, about 5 years old. The child is happy, confident and curious and seems to wonder what really happened to me that I am in such a state.

 

This is where I suddenly feel I'm really starting to break down, this sadness starts coming in huge waves, I am beginning to cry but I push back on the emotions because I'm afraid to break down. This reaction relates to the child I saw, his happy demeanour reminded me that everything can be better, it's just that something bad happened to me and his concern and curiosity brought this immense sadness to the surface. This goes on for a while. Every time the therapists ask me to visualize the guide and I see him, I get the wave and I cry but yet I push back the emotions and prevent a real breakdown.

 

At about 30-45min into the session, my eyes still closed, I offer that I should lie down on the sofa/bed thing as it would be better for the hypnosis/visualization process. I get a pillow, a blanket, I lie down on my back and feel comfortable. My sense of time is long gone by now, I only now that I opened my eyes at 2h30min into the session.

 

So I’m not just lying down and conversing with her while keeping my eyes closed, it actually feels like I’m in a different state of being, submerged in my subconscious but still aware enough of my surroundings that I can speak with her.

 

The whole thing works better now that I'm lying down. After some time of me getting even more intense waves of sadness, of me crying but still pushing back on the emotions to stop them taking a complete hold over me, I get the sense that I am doing this alone and I need her help. She is talking to me and guiding me but I still feel alone, like a small traumatized child. Now I feel like I need the support of physical touch, that it would help me and that I should ask her to hold my hand. Yet I feel afraid to ask her and I get a huge rush of adrenaline as I think it would really help me get through these intense emotions pretty much for the first time in my life.

 

I struggle for some time to express myself, I am blurting out that I need her help, she understands finally and takes my hand. This has a considerable effect on me, I start to feel in a way I can't really describe other than it's positive. Also the physical pain that was concentrated around the area of my heart is gone now. As I'm processing this new state of being I am beginning to squeeze her hand more and more tightly. I answer to one of her questions that it feels like I'm hanging onto the ledge of a building so I have to hold tightly. It was automatic for me, I didn't really perceive how tightly I squeezed her hand, apparently very strongly as she said afterwards.

 

She tells me I needn’t squeeze so tightly and asks to loosen the grip on her hand I do gradually. I lose my grip on her hand, she is still holding it but I feel like her hand is slipping away and I tell her that so she takes her other hand puts it on top of my hand so my hand rests between her two hands. Now I feel her hand is slipping nowhere, I am gripping one of her hand too with normal force and I just lie there, processing this state. I can say that it felt good, still couldn't describe it really but I guessed that's what feeling secure feels like. I lie there like this, feeling calm and secure like never before, answering her questions occasionally but mostly in silence just taking in this new state of being. Eventually, after some joking and laughing, we decide that she should remove her hand, she does and after some time, maybe 15min, I open my eyes.

 

It's 2h30min into the session, as I said. I feel calm, relaxed, happy, everything seems different, interesting, I feel curious about everything. We talk just for a little bit, she says we shouldn't really talk much more, that we should end the session so as not to analyze it too much so I would just embrace this new feeling.

 

Obviously I didn't write down everything I said or did or she said or did but mostly it's all there so here you go.

 

As you can see I didn't really get to discuss much of anything so I'll leave that for the next time or for whenever I will be able to discuss everything that's on my mind. The next session won't happen before at least a few weeks though as I can't afford it so for now this is not to be continued.

 

Thanks to everyone who's expressed interest in this.

[labmath2]

I have not gone to therapy, but i am doing the slow process by reading books so take my comments with a grain of salt and a pinch of sugar. Why do you feel the need to suppress your emotions in front of her? How has self erasing helped you in the past? What does it feel like when she holds your hand? Have you ever experienced this feeling somewhere else before?

[stMarkus]

Hey labmath, thanks for your interest. I will gladly take anything with a grain of salt or sugar as long as there is interest.

 

Why do you feel the need to suppress your emotions in front of her?

 

I don’t really know, that is something we would need to talk about but really it seemed more to do with me and my past rather than with anything external. For example my mother was always too ashamed to talk about sexual topics.

 

How has self erasing helped you in the past?

 

It has caused me tremendous suffering, it results in isolation mostly.

 

What does it feel like when she holds your hand?

 

It was singular in the sense that I was in a state where all my defenses were completely down and I was able to connect with another person through the physical touch.  It just felt good, secure like I could be myself with all my traumas and such. Basically I felt like a small child in my past, like I couldn’t handle all the pain alone, I needed to feel the presence of someone caring, empathetic and this was provided by physical touch. I think one of the results of this is that I am more attracted to women who are emotionally available.

 

 Have you ever experienced this feeling somewhere else before?

 

Well no, it was the first time I felt I was not alone with my traumas like I overcame them or something like that.

[Eh Steve]

Congratulations Markus!!

 

I'm very happy you were able to finally ask for help in your most painful of places

 

And it sounds like this might be your first felt sense of security in your life !  I'm very happy for you Markus and that you were able to achieve this with your therapist.  

 

Smiles all around.  I hope this progress and feelings of security and relaxation can continue forward for you and this new felt experience is something you can carry with you outside of your therapy sessions in time

[stMarkus]

@Eh Steve

 

Thanks! Your sincerity really means a lot, I appreciate it. I feel happy reading your post. Like someone actually cares.

 

I am still amazed at what happened in the last session. How everything happened so smoothly, that I didn't have to think about anything, just let the emotions take over.

 

My mind can't really comprehend how it all happened, how all my most powerful defenses decided to fuck off for once, how I regressed back into my childhood and faced the most painful moments with the support of caring physical touch.

 

Yet I feel a very good, loving sense of security knowing that my mind really doesn't have any meaningful power over this part of me, that I can rely on a powerful source of pure, loving emotion.

[Eh Steve]

I do actually care

 

I may not know you well but it does bring me great happiness that you were able to feel this new way with your therapist.  To me I'm happier about that than pretty much anything that could happen to anyone.  It is a very important thing in your life and will hopefully reap great rewards for your personal happiness going forward

 

Once again Congratulations Markus !!

 

I'll need to examine why I was so negative before.  I'm glad you were able to have this experience regardless of my previous reservations about this therapist.  I'm glad it seems my thoughts on "be honest with her" resonated more strongly with you than "runnnnnn"  So I do apologize that it seems that was bad advice.  I will take some time to reflect on that as it seems the honesty and vulnerability options is much much better

 

I've had similar thoughts about relaxation, bonding, and physical touch.  So in ways I am very thankful you were able to confirm something I had been wondering about very recently.  So for me also, thank you for doing this and sharing your experience here Markus, it has helped me and given me an example of something to try in my own life

 

It is odd to me to think...often it feels like thinking is sort of fused with anxiety sometimes.  And that at the core the real issue may be lacking this sort of peaceful, secure, inner love feeling.  Despite not having that feeling myself I often do suggest others seek it out and believe it exists.  I'm glad you've found that feeling within yourself and I hope you continue to feel that way and perhaps make even more wonderful progress in therapy now that you have

 

I wish you well Markus

[stMarkus]

Another session. Ended up talking about the specific ways my mother and grandmother used me, touched me. Couldn't even go through them all. Held back some of the information with more nasty details. Need to come clean next time. Now can only feel pain, isolation, can't reach out for help, feel shame, like I can only be alone with this. This kind of a panicky constant pain, also probably can't sleep.

 

Hello darkness, my old friend.

[Eh Steve]

Hi Markus,

 

I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well and the session didn't go like the last one

 

I think finding a way to have that sense of security and trust again in your next session will help you feel better again

 

And maybe talk with her to try and figure out what was different between the last two sessions and how to help the next few be more like the first one.

 

I was wondering without posts in between, how were you feeling in the weeks after that first session?

 

I was also wondering with you feeling down, since I know there are often several days or weeks between sessions for you if there is anything you could try in the meantime to feel a bit better.  I was thinking you could possibly imagine and try to re-experience that first session again, now that you know what that feeling is, you may be able to reproduce it within yourself.

 

Perhaps something like "Well I feel, isolated, in pain, shame, and can't reach out", but I remember this one time I didn't feel that way.  This one time after that first session, all of this went away, I felt safe, secure, and nurtured.  Maybe I can feel that way now if I try, or we can at least see what happens when I try.  And maybe weighing between the two feelings at the same time, and noticing the difference between them within your mind / imagination, might be able to help you feel a bit better

 

It brings some comfort to me, and hopefully to you, that while you feel pretty low and dark and in pain right now, you might be able to remember you didn't feel this way for a while.  And maybe now, or certainly in the future, you won't feel this way anymore.  And you can feel much more like that first session much of the time

 

I hope you're doing okay Markus.  I know you are suffering right now and I just wanted to extend again that I wish you well and hope you continue to have the courage to find those better feelings for yourself.  I hope this post helps in some way that it might not be able to lift the darkness from how you feel, but know that someone actually cares  (hug)

[stMarkus]

The last session was me regressing to my early childhood. I was expecting this to continue but I didn't realize this journey of regression will take me to progressively later stages of my life. Thus last time I couldn't talk about sexuality since I was becoming a ~4-year-old version of myself and in that stage the emotions that needed expressing were mostly unrelated to sexuality. I felt completely at ease and safe that time but as a 4-year-old sexuality isn't part of my reality.

 

I suppose this time I was moving forward in my development and sexuality becomes part of the issue. And with that come deep trust issues, defensiveness, shame, isolation etc. Very complex, painful things.

 

The point is that I don't think the last session and this one are really comparable. The last one was something I needed dealt with to move forward and deal with the sexuality issue. Like a point on the map I have to cross to get to the next one.

 

This time I refused the regression journey, I was mostly defensive throughout the session, we argued a lot etc. So it will be difficult but I really

hope it is possible to connect with and let go of my emotions with this issue as well. With her. Soon. If there is no progress after the next session and I have to keep carrying the pain I would be inclined to give up.

[Lotus Flowery]

My advice is see a male therapist. Females are way too emotional and reactionary in my experience (not saying all women are like that or that there aren't men who are).

[stMarkus]

My advice is see a male therapist. Females are way too emotional and reactionary in my experience (not saying all women are like that or that there aren't men who are).

 

Just to update, I went to another therapist for one session, an older woman. The session went well and she was very different from my current therapist. Still, I've had more sessions with the one described in this topic and they've all been very positive.

 

Now with regard to seeing a male therapist, I think it's good advice that I might want to try out but the downside is that I've never connected with my father whereas I have invested very deeply in my mother. Having a positive mother figure substitute triggers the deeper emotional responses and cravings for love and connection for me. This helps with getting results in therapy.

 

I don't really know how it would go with a male figure but at this moment, it wouldn't be as beneficial for me.

 

Another update is that I've been accepted into training for a job that I've wanted for more than a year. I'll be moving to another city and the training lasts for about a year during which I probably won't be doing much therapy. Or at least I don't know when the next session will be. So for now, it's at least a good ending to the story.

 

Also I've begun to journal more. Mostly dream analysis as I've been having interesting dreams. Probably will have one tonight as well.

[Drew.]

Just to update, I went to another therapist for one session, an older woman. The session went well and she was very different from my current therapist. Still, I've had more sessions with the one described in this topic and they've all been very positive.

 

Now with regard to seeing a male therapist, I think it's good advice that I might want to try out but the downside is that I've never connected with my father whereas I have invested very deeply in my mother. Having a positive mother figure substitute triggers the deeper emotional responses and cravings for love and connection for me. This helps with getting results in therapy.

 

I don't really know how it would go with a male figure but at this moment, it wouldn't be as beneficial for me.

 

Another update is that I've been accepted into training for a job that I've wanted for more than a year. I'll be moving to another city and the training lasts for about a year during which I probably won't be doing much therapy. Or at least I don't know when the next session will be. So for now, it's at least a good ending to the story.

 

Also I've begun to journal more. Mostly dream analysis as I've been having interesting dreams. Probably will have one tonight as well.

 

Best of luck with that. A beneficial therapist can be quite challenging to find.

 

I have heard it recommended that you want to have a therapist of the same gender as the parent you had the most problems with, or the same gender as the one that was primarily involved in specific issues that you want to work on. I have also heard it recommended to chose a therapist that is the same gender. There are a lot of these types of recommendations, though. What matters is that you feel safe with the therapist and they are providing you with a quality service.

 

If you're going to be traveling away, therapy over skype or the phone is still a possibility. If you feel like you have made a strong connection with one of these two women and would like to continue therapy, that would be a good solution.