Should certain information be withheld from children?

[NocPat]

I don't understand why it would be a negative to tell a child the direct truth when they bring a question up. "Where do babies come from" is the prime example that comes to mind. 

 

Why should we deny children the truth, or lie to them? I'm curious to know.

[EclecticIdealist]

Why should we deny children the truth, or lie to them? I'm curious to know.

Denying children the truth is different from lying to them. There are some things which children simply don't have the right to know, just like there are some things which other people don't have the right to know (such as the details of one's sex life). This doesn't mean that we should lie to them; only that we should withhold the truth from them. In some instances, children knowing the truth which they are not psychologically mature enough to deal with appropriately may cause them greater harm than simply withholding such knowledge until they have sufficiently matured.

 

This is not to suggest that a young child shouldn't be warned about the behavior of sexual predators and what they should do if an adult or child tries or succeeds in touching them in inappropriate ways. It simply means that one need not go into full graphic detail as to what sexual predator might do to them or why they might do it. Hopefully, they will never experience such things, but if they do, they should be armed with truth about what it does and does not mean if they do, and what will happen to them or anyone they love or care about if it happens and they do tell someone.

 

The only time that lying is ever justified or appropriate is when doing so is an act of self-defense or the defense of others in response to an act or the threat of an act of aggression. I can rarely think of any such instance where lying to a child would be appropriate except in the most extreme of situations where the child is actually endangering themselves or others with physical harm.

 

As to where babies come from, I see no harm in telling them the truth, as well as arming them with the fact that many people prefer to tell "fairy tales" about things that make them uncomfortable or things that make them happy (such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or where babies come from).

[Freed0mAndTruth]

I believe no information should be withheld. However, I think you shouldn't be telling them things they can't understand.

 

For example, "Where do babies come from?" From mom's tummy and leave it at that.

 

If they are older and they ask how do they get there, you can tell them that dad puts it in there when mom is ready.

 

As they get older they'll naturally learn more and ask more, but they'll never have to unlearn anything you told them. They'll also appreciate it that you didn't lie or talk down to them by saying things like "we'll tell you when you get older." 

[shirgall]

I don't understand why it would be a negative to tell a child the direct truth when they bring a question up. "Where do babies come from" is the prime example that comes to mind. 

 

Why should we deny children the truth, or lie to them? I'm curious to know.

 

We must use our empathy and compassion to determine what truths would be traumatic at the child's current stage of development. Yes, truth is preferable to falsehood, but it's probably best to converse at a level that's relate-able, understandable, and sensitive to a child's sensibilities.

[brucethecollie]

I try to answer the question until my kids are satisfied. Concerning child psychology, it can be damaging to provide information beyond what their current stage of development can handle (and this probably varies per child). I notice that each year my kids ask me "where do children come from" and each year their follow up questions lead us into further details. They stop being interested at a certain point which tells me that they are satisfied with the answer. I wouldn't be able to tell them more if I wanted to because once children have heard enough they are no longer paying attention anyway. Most of us probably experienced parents going on about something past our point of interest and might remember how frustrating that was. 

 

As an example:

 

age 4: "where do babies come from?"

 

me: I explained that together, mommy and daddy decide to create a baby which starts growing in mommy's belly (at this point they interrupt to ask about what it felt like for me to carry them and how long it took and what they were like when they first came out) Then they went to play.

 

age 5: "where do babies come from, again?"

 

me: I explained the same again and asked them if they had any questions. They asked about how they were able to breathe without air and how they ate while in the belly. They wondered if they interacted with each other in there. Then they went to play.

 

age 6: "how does a baby start out in the belly?"

 

me: I explained that men carry sperm and women carry eggs and just how other mammals fertilize that egg together, so do humans. They interrupted to ask me about how a baby grew from a tiny little thing. They asked why women grow the baby in their body and not men. They asked about how their looks were determined so we talked about DNA. They asked about details regarding the c-section I had to have. At one point one of the two covered their ears and said "I don't want to hear this part, yet!" The other one shivered and said, "that sounds scary mom, the doctor cut you open right near my head!" So I explained how it was necessary and good for the purpose of getting them out safely and keeping me safe and in the end all turned out great because the doctor knew what he was doing. Then they smiled and went to play.

 

They turn 7 soon and I'm pretty sure the next question will lead to the full details. And I will tell them. Humans learn many things in pieces that build over time. I think it helps with deep understanding. I'm not interested in lying to my kids but I certainly do not volunteer information they may not be ready for. Their questions are my guide.

[dsayers]

Their questions are my guide.

I loved reading your entire post, but this part in particular. Thank you so much for sharing.