A creature of violence

[Xenosmania]

I have been mulling questions of who I am, and what I should strive to be for my family, for my in-group, and for the apparatuses that allow the first two to exist.

 

 

First for context, I will list s few life events and actions that I believe have shaped me the most. Not everything listed is positive. I will be brief on each point, and I am willing to elaborate on any point when asked.

 

 

1. When I was three years old, I attacked a fellow child at a community center program. This resulted in the other child's death, and my entrance into the state psychiatric system.

2. When I was eight years old, through a combination of learning scrapping from local meth addicts and being involved in certain illegal activities, I was able to start paying my mother's rent. Before this, we had been evicted at least once every six months.

3. My mother gave birth to my half siblings when I was six, nine, and twelve years old respectively.

4. A combination of others getting arrested and me choosing to move out at 15 and a change location meant I lost contact with most people I knew, and I have been earning my income through mostly legal means, child labor and tax laws notwithstanding, since.

5. By 22 I was learning a trade and starting a family

 

 

 

I would not say I have any guilt about the things I have done, I am unsure if my range of emotions is greater than in-group protection, jealousy, anger, and most base desires. I tend to define love in terms of choice and almost contract obligation, rather than on any emotional state derived from.

 

What I care about, in order, is my family, my in-group, and then whatever sustains the first two.

 

I have been a violent person for as long as I can remember, and control of that violence has been a vital skill to know to be able to maintain my freedom.

 

How does a child get so violent and detached from normal human emotion, so early, and is genetic factors enough to raise concern on how I should raise my own children?

[dsayers]

I have been mulling questions of who I am, and what I should strive to be for my family, for my in-group, and for the apparatuses that allow the first two to exist.

I'm not sure what you mean by apparatuses, but you seem to be absent in your goal. The reason I point this out is that if you are not striving for what is best for YOU, then you cannot be as present or useful to others.

[Will Torbald]

 

How does a child get so violent and detached from normal human emotion, so early, and is genetic factors enough to raise concern on how I should raise my own children?

 

These are very difficult questions for anyone who isn't an expert to answer without more information. I have a few questions about the issue that are relevant. What is your ethnic background? Where were you raised? Have you had IQ tests? How was your mother's pregnancy? Did she consume substances, alcohol, or had traumatic events during it? Were you breastfed as recommended? Were you hit or shaken as a baby?

[Xenosmania]

I'm not sure what you mean by apparatuses, but you seem to be absent in your goal. The reason I point this out is that if you are not striving for what is best for YOU, then you cannot be as present or useful to others.

 

By apparatuses, I mean whatever systems or infrastructure is necessary for my in-group to survive.

 

My goal for myself is to firmly establish my skills and resources. I do not really belief in the individual being the smallest unit of measurement, and most of what I would do if I thought of myself would be unproductive and lazy. I tend to only make decisions on the context of what I am building for my family in the long run.

 

These are very difficult questions for anyone who isn't an expert to answer without more information. I have a few questions about the issue that are relevant. What is your ethnic background? Where were you raised? Have you had IQ tests? How was your mother's pregnancy? Did she consume substances, alcohol, or had traumatic events during it? Were you breastfed as recommended? Were you hit or shaken as a baby?

 

What is your ethnic background? German mother, Russian father.

Where were you raised? Arizona

Have you had IQ tests? Yes, was requested for my IEP multiple years. Over 140 each time.

How was your mother's pregnancy? Due a combination of anorexia and having been on drug trials for some medication that was supposed to cause early menopause, not great from what I have been told.

Did she consume substances, alcohol, or had traumatic events during it? She has always been on opiate medication, thyroid medication, and alcohol. No one has ever given me the indication this stops just because she is pregnant.

Were you breastfed as recommended? Were you hit or shaken as a baby? For less than a month, and more left to my own devices. One of my aunts tells a story about finding me in my bedroom covered in my own filth, eating the cardboard of a nilla wafer box when I was less than a year old. My mother not noticing that my aunt had me for a month.

[neeeel]

How does a child get so violent and detached from normal human emotion, so early, and is genetic factors enough to raise concern on how I should raise my own children?

 

 

 

One of my aunts tells a story about finding me in my bedroom covered in my own filth, eating the cardboard of a nilla wafer box when I was less than a year old. My mother not noticing that my aunt had me for a month.

[dsayers]

By apparatuses, I mean whatever systems or infrastructure is necessary for my in-group to survive.

Unless you have children, can you name one human being who's survival is dependent upon you? I can only think of one. The one you're missing. YOU.

 

I do not really belief in the individual being the smallest unit of measurement, and most of what I would do if I thought of myself would be unproductive and lazy. I tend to only make decisions on the context of what I am building for my family in the long run.

Then why do you eat? Seems productive and active to me. Also seems to take food away from your family and in-group.

 

Millenia of empirical evidence says that self-interest is not only a biological imperative, but a perfectly legitimate way to perpetuate our entire species. Which means your erasure for the benefit of others was most certainly implanted in you. If you're as curious as you creating this topic suggests, you will start there. You're of less use to everybody, including yourself, without yourself.

[Xenosmania]

Unless you have children, can you name one human being who's survival is dependent upon you? I can only think of one. The one you're missing. YOU.

 

Then why do you eat? Seems productive and active to me. Also seems to take food away from your family and in-group.

 

Millenia of empirical evidence says that self-interest is not only a biological imperative, but a perfectly legitimate way to perpetuate our entire species. Which means your erasure for the benefit of others was most certainly implanted in you. If you're as curious as you creating this topic suggests, you will start there. You're of less use to everybody, including yourself, without yourself.

I have one child of my own, and my younger two siblings are in my care, technically temporary with regards to my siblings, I am hoping DCS doesn't make the same mistake it has in the past.

 

I eat to have energy to work, I work to have the resources needed to raise my child. My self-interest is my family.

 

However, I am curious. What self-interests would you consider beneficial?

[dsayers]

What self-interests would you consider beneficial?

Self-knowledge, self-care, and self-love. I appreciate your curiosity.

 

I know you mentioned you have a child and yes, I agree that as a result, you have an obligation. Still, you will benefit them more if YOU are #2 on your list instead of your other family/in-group. Which will also benefit them.

 

my younger two siblings are in my care

How did this come to pass? I'm sorry if this is legitimately the case. My doubt stems from this arrangement also sounding like something that was inflicted upon you. Even if this means the drive to carry them was what was inflicted upon you, which would appear at first glance as being a conscious, voluntary decision despite not being so. Does that make sense?

 

If you're not strong enough to carry yourself, then this would actually prevent you from forward self-growth if not flat out forcing self-regression.

[Xenosmania]

Self-knowledge, self-care, and self-love. I appreciate your curiosity.

 

I know you mentioned you have a child and yes, I agree that as a result, you have an obligation. Still, you will benefit them more if YOU are #2 on your list instead of your other family/in-group. Which will also benefit them.

 

How did this come to pass? I'm sorry if this is legitimately the case. My doubt stems from this arrangement also sounding like something that was inflicted upon you. Even if this means the drive to carry them was what was inflicted upon you, which would appear at first glance as being a conscious, voluntary decision despite not being so. Does that make sense?

 

If you're not strong enough to carry yourself, then this would actually prevent you from forward self-growth if not flat out forcing self-regression.

My younger two siblings were removed from my mother's house by a state agency. They placed them with me after a couple weeks of state custody. This has happened before, and if history is any indication, my mother will manage to get them back at some point. I have always had the option of letting them stay in state care, not exactly an option I am fond of.

 

Their father cannot have them due to serving time, and my own father is deceased. My aunts have had it with my mothers branch of the family, and my uncle is a thousand miles away.

[dsayers]

Well I certainly thank you for having the sensitivity to keep them out of the hands of the State as much as you can. At the risk of sounding like a breaking record, I want to continue to push the importance of yourself. Without self-knowledge, there's NOTHING to guarantee that they will not receive the same treatment under your care as they did under your mother. Because you were raised by that person and she at least chose to have them. Also, you have a child of your own and it's just a fact of life that your resources (within and without) are limited. So by definition, your child's care will suffer because of this also.

 

This is precisely why self-care and self-love are so important. It helps you to fend off this situation overwhelming you, empowers you to be there for your child, and manage trying to manage all of this. It allows the care you provide for each of them to be that much better, efficient, and less of a strain on you.

 

So to bring it full circle from our first posts here, I just wanted to summarize by saying that if you want to be there for others, you need to be there for yourself first.

 

I'll leave you with a scenario that I rather enjoy a great deal. It's the nautical mantra of "one hand for yourself and one hand for the boat." In this case, picture your younger siblings as passengers in the same slave boat (your mother) as you. They got tossed overboard. If you don't reach out both of your arms, you might not be able to save them. However, if you reached out both of your arms, the water's surface could vary and then you'd be thrown from the boat. At which point, you cannot help anybody. So even though keeping one arm for yourself might result in the loss of your siblings, you'll still persist and be able to help those still on the boat, or with whom you have contact with the rest of your life.

[A4E]

Are you consuming, or have been consuming any pharmaceuticals?

 

Where you given anything when you were in the state psychiatry system?

[Xenosmania]

Are you consuming, or have been consuming any pharmaceuticals?

 

Where you given anything when you were in the state psychiatry system?

 

I have been on cylert, ritalin, risperidol, wellbutrin, lithium, and at least a couple dozen others I cannot remember the name for.

 

From the moment I was eighteen I have had no contact with the state psychiatry system, and from fourteen on, I was non-complaint.