NinaS03 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hey guys, I wonder if you have any ideas where I can find real people like here on fdr in real life. I have 3 very good friends that I can talk to about everything in life and getting back real interest and empathy. But for my other friendships its more like the 'me plus' thing and that is not real friendship in my eyes. It is most of the time about going shopping or how I look or the looks about other people and if I start a topic like politics or self knowledge I get barely anything back. Its hard for me to live with roomates that are not really interested in what I really love in life and what I find important. And if I get to meet new people I get bored after the first sentences, because I can feel the shallowness. Have you any idea where people that want to have real and deep relationships can find those?
Danske Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 3 good friends? IRL? You are incredibly lucky. Before recommending anything I'd ask why those 3 friendships aren't enough. 2
Jot Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 What do these 3 friends think of you hanging out with the shallow ones?
NinaS03 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 these friends are spread all over the country and I dont get them to see that often
aviet Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I can offer a couple of suggestions. One I have met quite a few people I have interesting conversations with in pubs (or bars if you are American), but you have to go to the quieter ones. Some are a bit low-fi, low-intelligence, but you can still have a good talk with people and wider your realm of perception. In others, the clientele are more intellectual and I've had lots of long discussions about all sorts of topics, which might come up here. Though I will admit that I've never really broken through with these people to be real friendships, but part of that is probably because I don't go to the pub often.Another would be looking for local meetups. I've seen several sites that list such meetings and in big cities I've seen some very obscure groups. I've never been to anything like this, but a friend of a friend goes to such meetings in Glasgow, Scotland, and they sound quite interesting.I would say I have 4 good friends; 3 who live near me and 1 in another country. Then I have 4 friends who would probably also be good friends if they had not moved away and generally only come back 1 or 2 times a year. And this is an ongoing trend. The older you get, the more people are likely to move away, especially if you are like me and live in a small town.How old are you and what is the country your friends have spread out so thoroughly in?I would agree that three good friends is quite a lot. Most of the people I went to school with essentially have no contact, or practically no contact with anyone from school. I question how deep the friendships they have made are as they slide from University to other cities and countries for jobs. All but one of my friends were made between 10 and 16 years ago and I think it is difficult to re-create such friendships forged at ages with a different social dynamic and having come up together.
Pod Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Hey guys, I wonder if you have any ideas where I can find real people like here on fdr in real life. I have 3 very good friends that I can talk to about everything in life and getting back real interest and empathy. But for my other friendships its more like the 'me plus' thing and that is not real friendship in my eyes. It is most of the time about going shopping or how I look or the looks about other people and if I start a topic like politics or self knowledge I get barely anything back. Its hard for me to live with roomates that are not really interested in what I really love in life and what I find important. And if I get to meet new people I get bored after the first sentences, because I can feel the shallowness. Have you any idea where people that want to have real and deep relationships can find those? Here's something fun. Tell those other friends what you wrote here about them. Be honest about your dissatisfaction with what you talk about and see how they respond. If you post what they say here I think that can help us answer your question.
NinaS03 Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 Thanks for the answer! My good friends that I have are friends from childhood age and they are spread all over Germany and one soulmate in Australia. I am not saying these are not enough but I wish I could make a good friend here where I live now and thats where I have problems with. I cant get into the deep kind of conversations with them because I need some good topics to talk about and I feel no one is interested in that. Of course its also because I am not so trustful towards new people and maybe a little too judgemental. I will try to work out why and how to overcome it. But often I feel like people dont want to talk about childhood and spiritual stuff or even politics. Its hard to listen to a person that talks about depression or relationship issues in the past.
Danske Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Being judgemental is extremely important. 'Too judgemental' means nothing in and of itself, you can only be too judgemental if you are making the wrong judgements.I say this because the most important aspect of finding real friends is the ability to vet and discard people. It's important to let trust grow slowly, not to to idealize, to see others as they are and not as you would like them to be. I have heard stories (although rare) of people who have got others into FDR and they have taken it as seriously as they do. The pursuit of greatness in virtue is something people turn away from from at an early age. In terms of practical advice. Are you in education? If so, perhaps look for the outliers who are challenging the professors, or even just silently seething in disgust. They may instinctually sense something is wrong with the world and you can help them put a finger on it. However avoid zealots or people who cling too tightly to labels and communities as if those define them entirely (i.e. hardcore vegans, atheists, libertarians etc) it's doubtful you will be able to have open and honest conversation if they have already made their mind up about everything.
wdiaz03 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I can offer a couple of suggestions. One I have met quite a few people I have interesting conversations with in pubs (or bars if you are American), but you have to go to the quieter ones. Some are a bit low-fi, low-intelligence, but you can still have a good talk with people and wider your realm of perception. In others, the clientele are more intellectual and I've had lots of long discussions about all sorts of topics, which might come up here. Though I will admit that I've never really broken through with these people to be real friendships, but part of that is probably because I don't go to the pub often. Not going to the pub often seems like a good thing to me. Why look for people in a place mostly used to escape reality by numbing the brain with alcohol? I would be skeptical of pubs or bars, just my opinion,
aviet Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Not going to the pub often seems like a good thing to me. Why look for people in a place mostly used to escape reality by numbing the brain with alcohol? I would be skeptical of pubs or bars, just my opinion, I agree, but its a good place to get a broader exposure to people. I've talked to lots of people there that I would otherwise never come across.
NinaS03 Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 What do you guys think of meeting new people on the internet?
Jot Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 What do you guys think of meeting new people on the internet? It is the best place to meet people I think. The big advantage is that you already know what that person is about unlike people you would meet IRL for the first time.
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