MysterionMuffles Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I have a friend who has an indoor garden, full of pots and plants that he enjoys taking care of. Planting seeds and watering them brings him immense joy. As for me, I don't really care for planting or gardening. I think it's boring and dirty, it's something I would never do, or at least won't at present. But when we're in a conversation and it comes up, I like to ask him about what he enjoys about it, what new vegetables or fruits he's gonna grow next, and what it's like to have such a hobby. And my interest is genuine. I'm not just asking questions for the sake of keeping the conversation going, I genuinely care. Why? Because when people share things with me, their joy is my joy, even if what they're talking about is stuff I won't engage in. Whether it's watching a certain TV show or movie, reading a book, or playing a video game, whatever it is! I sense that certain activities people bring up bring them joy, and I find it to be an incredible opportunity to get to understand that person better. Sometimes I'll listen to a song of a genre or artist I don't really care for, but take the time to appreciate it for a moment to put myself in the shoes of my friends, and we can have great discussions about it without me ever listening to that song again. Other times, giving other people's preferences a chance gets ME to adapt the same interest. Whatever the outcome is, what I think is most important in these instances is giving people the chance to express their joy in their interests. I remember Stefan mention sharing a Pink Floyd song with one of his friends and he felt disappointed that his friend just talked over the song and not even asked him what he liked about it. I can relate. There's one time where I wanted to talk about The Fault in Our Stars and how much it moved me because I have experienced love and loss myself. The story is also about cancer and it reminded me of the grief I experienced a decade ago when a friend of mine died of cancer. This is how much the story means to me and wanted to share that with everyone in a room one time, and one person just kept saying it was "average." Every time I brought up something I enjoyed about it, someone just kept on saying "it was average." With no reason to backing it up, and just saying it didn't do anything for them. Eventually, I confronted this person and expressed how I felt dismissed when he shared his detail lacking opinion on the story. Only after acknowledging his callousness (half sarcasm) did I feel free to continue sharing about it at greater depth than "it was well written. It is a nice story." This has been on my mind for a long time, if anyone has any thoughts on what I like to call The Philosophy of Sharing. When people share their favourite hobbies and interests with you, even in just a conversation as opposed to getting you to experience it with them, I believe that this is the right way to go about it. Yes you can have your opinions because conversations are a two way street, but I think it's optimal to ask the other person's thoughts on something you're not familiar with. I personally think it's a conversation killer to give your opinion and not ask questions in these instances. Not everyone is going to be assertive enough to keep on talking if they're not asked to say more, and not everyone is going to be assertive enough to express their feelings of dismissal. What are your thoughts and experiences with sharing your favourite stuff with people who are not familiar with your interests?
Eh Steve Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I have a similar experience to media, hobbies, and getting to know people in general. My interest is often in seeing the happiness and enthusiasm other people have. For example I like having movies spoiled. I don't really want to see the movie, but I like seeing other people talk about something they have enjoyed. I find people more enjoyable and fascinating than the vast majority of life, getting to know people is basically my #1 hobby Recently I had some trouble with the slotcar place next to my shop about this actually. They were interpreting my interest in their stories as a desire and love of slotcars myself. And I ended up talking to the guy as he was a bit confused about this. "Oh, it's not that I'm into slotcars, but I like that you like them, and I am here to support you as a neighbor/friend". We developed more of a mutual understanding when this was made clear, and I think it can be quite foreign to some people to be related to in this way. It is a common thing for me that I don't usually care about things within themselves. I really want to know how other people feel and what they enjoy. I am more interested in how things affect people than the things themselves. I genuinely just like getting to know people and encouraging them / helping them, it's basically my favorite thing to do. In the same way, you didn't really want to discuss the objective nature of the cancer movie. It isn't about the art work itself, it is about why this was important to you. And I agree it can be quite callous and crass, particularly when you bring up a movie about cancer, for people to crap all over something you enjoy. For what its worth I've had this interacting with you a bit. You have intellectual interests, music / movies, and even passion projects that I am not a part of or necessarily want to do myself. I really liked when we were discussing your interest in Rand's philosophy of art and how that was affecting your own views. I have genuinely enjoyed hearing why it is you like these things and how they make you feel. That has been more enjoyable to me than actually experiencing the things myself
dsayers Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I loved listening to my fiancee tell stories. She was always so enthusiastic about having somebody to share it with (that would listen and care). I loved being able to provide that. She's also such a great communicator and I had such an empathetic connection, that each story always felt like I had been right there too. It was a wonderful feeling for both reasons, in addition to increasing a bond with somebody I care about.
Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I think if you care about someone, you would want to ask questions about why they like what they like. I find, however, that people often don't do this. They offer their opinion, as you say, and just leave it at that, especially when it comes to anything within the realm of subjective tastes, like music, movies, books, etc. It's probably important to figure out up front of you're having a conversation about the thing's objective merit (Is one band better than another and why?) or if you're having a conversation about it's meaning (Regardless of whether or not another band is better than this one, you still like this one because of X, Y, and Z.) and I think sometimes wires get crossed here when one person wants to talk about meaning and the other person sees it as a debate. So it's probably worthwhile to make sure you're on the same page and that your friend understands what kind of conversation you want to have.
MysterionMuffles Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Wth happened to my original post? I went to edit one letter into a word and the whole post disappeared Anyways... getting to know people is basically my #1 hobby . . . Recently I had some trouble with the slotcar place next to my shop about this actually. They were interpreting my interest in their stories as a desire and love of slotcars myself. And I ended up talking to the guy as he was a bit confused about this. "Oh, it's not that I'm into slotcars, but I like that you like them, and I am here to support you as a neighbor/friend". We developed more of a mutual understanding when this was made clear, and I think it can be quite foreign to some people to be related to in this way. . . . For what its worth I've had this interacting with you a bit. You have intellectual interests, music / movies, and even passion projects that I am not a part of or necessarily want to do myself. I really liked when we were discussing your interest in Rand's philosophy of art and how that was affecting your own views. I have genuinely enjoyed hearing why it is you like these things and how they make you feel. That has been more enjoyable to me than actually experiencing the things myself I feel getting to know people who should be a universalized hobby lol. Yeah that's cool about the slot car thing. I get that too. They mistake my interest in them as the interest in the thing they're talking about, when really it's just the person I care about. That's why I don't care for spoilers either for TV shows or stories I will never experience immediately enough for it to be ruined for me. Glad you enjoy our interactions and that you can understand my desire to geek out about Rand's Romantic Manifesto! I loved listening to my fiancee tell stories. She was always so enthusiastic about having somebody to share it with (that would listen and care). I loved being able to provide that. She's also such a great communicator and I had such an empathetic connection, that each story always felt like I had been right there too. It was a wonderful feeling for both reasons, in addition to increasing a bond with somebody I care about. SCORE! Yeah women, or even men, who can tell great stories speak volumes of their character. Not just their capacity to communicate, but also convey meaning and value. I think if you care about someone, you would want to ask questions about why they like what they like. I find, however, that people often don't do this. They offer their opinion, as you say, and just leave it at that, especially when it comes to anything within the realm of subjective tastes, like music, movies, books, etc. It's probably important to figure out up front of you're having a conversation about the thing's objective merit (Is one band better than another and why?) or if you're having a conversation about it's meaning (Regardless of whether or not another band is better than this one, you still like this one because of X, Y, and Z.) and I think sometimes wires get crossed here when one person wants to talk about meaning and the other person sees it as a debate. So it's probably worthwhile to make sure you're on the same page and that your friend understands what kind of conversation you want to have. Yeah the immediate desire to share their opinion instead of ask you of yours...it's too sadly common. It's like I brought this up because it matters to me! I will ask you for your opinion when I ask you for it. I've had better luck recently in terms of asserting my desires for a conversation. Like with that Fault in Our Stars example, I can't see if I mentioned it or not my post disappeared -_-, but I do remember telling that person that I don't appreciate their opinion undermining my personal experience with love, loss and grief. To others it may just be another sappy story about two teens in love, to me it's not even about the romantic shit. It's about creating bonds with people while you still can. That was the biggest take away for me.
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