perrytheplat Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Some of you guys may know me already but some may not. I've listened to Freedomain Radio for a very long time and I first joined the community here in early 2015. At the time I was seeking knowledge, help, and understanding after a failed relationship. Let's just say I learned a lot and I'm very thankful. I'm back on the forums for a different reason this time (social anxiety disorder .. which is much bigger and more important), but this time I will be here to stay. I will be sharing my story, experiences, and progress over time here on the forums for both myself and anyone else that it may benefit. What prompted me to realize that I have a problem and that I need to seek help? Recently, the company I work for hired a new marketing company to work for us. They flew to New York to meet us all and we went out to a business dinner. When they arrived, I was a bit tense as I have always been in social interactions with new people and in general. I greeted them, but mostly kept to myself (at my desk) hiding away pretending like I was busy. I made no effort to really get to know any of them, not because I didn't want to, but because I found it incredibly difficult. We then took them out to dinner. There were about 12 of us in the group and I do much worse in groups than I do 1 on 1. The anxiety got worse as I continued my quiet behavior. I was sitting there listening to them all talk to each other in smaller groups at the large table, about things that had nothing at all to do with business or our company. It seemed like they were just very skilled at having a good time and talking about non-work related things ... their "social skills" were much better than mine. I sat there moving from listening to one conversation to another, trying to break in or find something to add to insert myself in the conversation. It made me more anxious and uncomfortable that it just wasn't working for me and that they were all noticing that something was not right. The next day, one of the new marketing guys directly mentioned to me that I was so quiet and that made it worse. Bottom line is that I'm 27 and I've lived with severe social anxiety all of my life and if I don't do something about it now, I will continue to lead an unhappy fruitless life. It's terrible because it affects all aspects of life, because ... well ... life is a social adventure (work, friendships, family, relationships). I can't continue such a negative lifestyle where I am always the world's victim and pretend that somewhere down the line I will be happy and have the jobs, friendships, and relationships I want in life. I am fortunate enough to have opportunities in life but the anxiety has kept me from accepting the great stuff that life has to offer.I've thought about this in the past, but I always had a toxic group of friends to fall back on which allowed me to ignore the problem. I guess the thinking was well I have some people that spend time with me ... so I can't be all that broken. They must like me, right? WRONG. All of the toxic people in my life showed themselves out on their own in one way or another or I made the decision to remove them myself 6 months ago. They were never really friends to begin with. They were leaches and abusers. It was a huge step for me, but I actually signed up to see a therapist about my problems and am currently doing CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I already had my first session which went well. I will be doing my second session tomorrow. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eh Steve Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Congrats on entering therapy Perry!! Thats a big step and certainly not the easiest one For what it is worth I jump on keywords from time to time. And this idea of "broken" is a very key phrase to me. This podcast may be of some use for you on that subject: http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/349/you-are-not-broken . For what it is worth on the subject I'd suggest that broken may be a severe word. People adapt and develop survival mechanisms / social strategies, and social anxiety is currently an adaption that you have some mixed opinions about having. At a younger age when we develop these behaviors often the pros outweigh the cons, often for unconscious reasons we are completely unaware of. Sometimes the answer as to why you do something likely isn't as simple as there being something wrong with you. My key concern with a word like broken is to convey to you the idea that everyone has their issues and you deserve as much compassion dealing with them as anyone else But dude! You're in therapy! You have purged negative friendships / abusers / leaches from your life! Congrats man! I'm genuinely really happy for you :) I wish you luck in CBT Perry. I hope by this time your second session has gone well I look forward to reading any updates you have and wish you luck 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrytheplat Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Congrats on entering therapy Perry!! Thats a big step and certainly not the easiest one For what it is worth I jump on keywords from time to time. And this idea of "broken" is a very key phrase to me. This podcast may be of some use for you on that subject: http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/349/you-are-not-broken . For what it is worth on the subject I'd suggest that broken may be a severe word. People adapt and develop survival mechanisms / social strategies, and social anxiety is currently an adaption that you have some mixed opinions about having. At a younger age when we develop these behaviors often the pros outweigh the cons, often for unconscious reasons we are completely unaware of. Sometimes the answer as to why you do something likely isn't as simple as there being something wrong with you. My key concern with a word like broken is to convey to you the idea that everyone has their issues and you deserve as much compassion dealing with them as anyone else But dude! You're in therapy! You have purged negative friendships / abusers / leaches from your life! Congrats man! I'm genuinely really happy for you :) I wish you luck in CBT Perry. I hope by this time your second session has gone well I look forward to reading any updates you have and wish you luck Steve ... thank you for pointing that out. I'm clearly at the beginning so I may not be phrasing things and wording things exactly correctly. I'm not broken ... but I am shaped by my experiences. I'm working away from the deep seeded inner belief that I was broken. It's a process. My second session went very well. I'll be posting some of my exercises and reviews of each session here as well. I'll throw some more threads up tonight. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sima Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 your shyness is not a valid reason for someone to bully you , such manager's reaction just makes you quieter and more stressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrytheplat Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 your shyness is not a valid reason for someone to bully you , such manager's reaction just makes you quieter and more stressed. @ Sima: I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sima Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 The next day, one of the new marketing guys directly mentioned to me that I was so quiet and that made it worse. that's what I mean. In my own experience, i am an immigrant in Netherlands, and before I learned to speak dutch well, many people had a problem with me not being talkative enough. They used to complain a lot (and critic is always bullying unless its from someone offering how to solve the situation in a proper way). But now I work in company where they accept that some people just are introverts. Companies are different, in most of them people have problems with quiet people, but there are exceptions. For me it helped that I started to see people's emptiness inside them, that there is almost nothing in those heads, as you look to a chicken, and you get there is not much inside in his brain going on. So I look like that at many people (maybe 70%). It's no point trying to understand what chickens are communicating about, because it's at animal level. So this rule applies to many people as well. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrytheplat Posted June 26, 2016 Author Share Posted June 26, 2016 that's what I mean. In my own experience, i am an immigrant in Netherlands, and before I learned to speak dutch well, many people had a problem with me not being talkative enough. They used to complain a lot (and critic is always bullying unless its from someone offering how to solve the situation in a proper way). But now I work in company where they accept that some people just are introverts. Companies are different, in most of them people have problems with quiet people, but there are exceptions. For me it helped that I started to see people's emptiness inside them, that there is almost nothing in those heads, as you look to a chicken, and you get there is not much inside in his brain going on. So I look like that at many people (maybe 70%). It's no point trying to understand what chickens are communicating about, because it's at animal level. So this rule applies to many people as well. Oh okay I see what you mean now. Yeah that's definitely what happened there. It made me feel more anxious. It's definitely an uncomfortable thing when someone points it out. I'm not sure this is about bullying though rather than recognizing that I have some qualities I need to change if I am to have an enjoyable life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherapple Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Hi Perry, The last therapist I saw before finding FDR in 2009 was ten years prior to that. I searched online for a therapist who specialized in social anxiety, hoping that would finally be "the thing" to help me. (Did internet browsers exist back then? Haha.) He used CBT, and I was so negatively affected by the experience, I swore never to see another therapist again because I was determined I could treat myself better than professionals did. I hope your experience is better! I actually did not gain traction in real self-growth until I started implementing philosophy, but FDR also taught me how to find a good therapist and warmed me up to trying again, which I've since done with trial and error and ultimate success. But what I really want to share is a moment of realization that was a turning point in my experiences with social anxiety. Have you ever paid attention to your own thoughts about other people when you're feeling anxiety? About four years ago, I was in a Skype call. Like you, my anxiety usually magnified in groups. This time, I think there were four or five of us in the call. For some reason, at some point, I stopped worrying about what they were thinking about me, and started hearing my own thoughts that I was thinking about them. While being terrified that they were attacking me in their minds, I realized I was attacking them in my mind. It was the first time I realized that my social anxiety came from projection. I finally understood I was afraid of other people because I feared they were treating me like I was treating them. In moments of anxiety, I became hyper focused on thoughts of others, but I was completely unaware of my own! This was a breakthrough because all I had to do from that point was start being kinder and more gentle in my thoughts about others, and my fears about what they were thinking about me relaxed as well. It didn't make the problem entirely go away because a great deal of past fear remains stored in the body. It has taken time, therapy, a focus on physical relaxation, and relationships with good people. I'm 20 years older than you, so your body and mind may relax more quickly and easily. All the best in your self-growth work, and sympathy for the true hell of living with social anxiety. Getting yourself out of the company of assholes -- while refusing to be one yourself -- are probably the most important and most freeing steps. Cheryl 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrytheplat Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 Hi Perry, The last therapist I saw before finding FDR in 2009 was ten years prior to that. I searched online for a therapist who specialized in social anxiety, hoping that would finally be "the thing" to help me. (Did internet browsers exist back then? Haha.) He used CBT, and I was so negatively affected by the experience, I swore never to see another therapist again because I was determined I could treat myself better than professionals did. I hope your experience is better! I actually did not gain traction in real self-growth until I started implementing philosophy, but FDR also taught me how to find a good therapist and warmed me up to trying again, which I've since done with trial and error and ultimate success. But what I really want to share is a moment of realization that was a turning point in my experiences with social anxiety. Have you ever paid attention to your own thoughts about other people when you're feeling anxiety? About four years ago, I was in a Skype call. Like you, my anxiety usually magnified in groups. This time, I think there were four or five of us in the call. For some reason, at some point, I stopped worrying about what they were thinking about me, and started hearing my own thoughts that I was thinking about them. While being terrified that they were attacking me in their minds, I realized I was attacking them in my mind. It was the first time I realized that my social anxiety came from projection. I finally understood I was afraid of other people because I feared they were treating me like I was treating them. In moments of anxiety, I became hyper focused on thoughts of others, but I was completely unaware of my own! This was a breakthrough because all I had to do from that point was start being kinder and more gentle in my thoughts about others, and my fears about what they were thinking about me relaxed as well. It didn't make the problem entirely go away because a great deal of past fear remains stored in the body. It has taken time, therapy, a focus on physical relaxation, and relationships with good people. I'm 20 years older than you, so your body and mind may relax more quickly and easily. All the best in your self-growth work, and sympathy for the true hell of living with social anxiety. Getting yourself out of the company of assholes -- while refusing to be one yourself -- are probably the most important and most freeing steps. Cheryl Thanks Cheryl. I'm half way there now I just have to put in all the hard work now which I'm prepared to do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byebye1212 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 <> 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrytheplat Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Hi Perry, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. If you're looking for new friends in NYC, don't hesitate to reach out! Jeff Thanks Jeff. Didn't even realize there was a comment on this thread from a long time ago. Joined the NYC FDR facebook page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalebSC Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Hi Perry, I would try telling someone in the group you're interacting with that you're feeling anxiety. And if they say "you just need to loosen up", then they probably just don't get it. I've been told by a million people that I just need to "loosen up" or whatever. Maybe it's just me, but I would say that anyone who tells you that is probably the one making you feel bad in the first place. I don't know what kind of people you wish you could fit in with more; are they people who are good to be around or people who are bad to be around. If they're bad to be around, then the anxiety you experience is a good thing. I don't know if that is the case or not. But use your imagination and visualize yourself in one of those groups of people interacting without any anxiety. What good would come out of it? Is there an end result you're hoping to achieve? You seem to be upset about being left out of what people around you are doing or talking about. And you said that it has become apparent to you that unless you do something about this social anxiety issue, you will lead an unhappy fruitless life. But how do you know that social anxiety is what is standing in your way? What if it's just a matter of finding the right group of people who are sensitive enough to not drown you out, and who care about what you have to say. You said you live in New York? Have you ever been outside of the metropolis? Ever try going out and mingling with rural people? I'm also curious, because you didn't really mention it... You were describing how in a group, you sort of get muted out by what everybody else is doing. That would be a situation in which you don't really get much attention or recognition. Is that how it goes down most of the time? Do you ever find yourself in social situations where you are more at the center of attention? And how do you deal with that? I've been in social situations where a conversation is going on and I keep trying to involve myself in it, but I get treated like more of an interruption than anything else, and they immediately resume amongst themselves after I stop talking. That sucks. It doesn't feel good to be treated that way when you just wanted to be included. But my problem personally isn't so much that as it is being made the butt of jokes and being made into the court jester so to speak, essentially being included in what's going on, but in a reduced status; i.e. the status of silly person who gets giggled at whenever I say something. I think that sucks even worse in my case. Your experiences are different than mine but I see a lot of similarities. I hope that helps. Caleb 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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