The unifying schema and avoiding self-knowledge.

[Eh Steve]

Here is I will theorize on a possibility in psychology and psychotherapy and explain in my opinion why people avoid self-knowledge.

 

I could go through and make this more intellectually accurate, for now I will be using loose definitions and have no citations, but I have some background knowledge I am relying on.  I'll be drawing on my personal experience to partially rant but partially it is the best example I can use but have seen this pretty consistently in people I have talked to with any great depth.

 

Here I will be calling something the Unifying Schema.  It's a bit of a non-sense term I'm using on the fly here.  It could also be termed a fundamental emotional baseline, an attachment disorder, or a persistent belief construct etc. etc.  Attachment disorder is probably the most accurate comparison and the science behind those are something I will largely be relying on.

 

In attachment disorders or attachment styles they are broken down currently into four categories which strangely differ for children and adults.  In children they define the four categories as :  Secure, Anxious-resistant, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized/disoriented.  In adults they define the categories as: Secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.  I am more comfortable and knowledgable with the adult definitions and will work with those here.

 

Here is a quick wikipedia breakdown if you would like more info:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

 

My argument as to why people avoid therapy or avoid self knowledge comes down to attachment patterns.

 

That when we are looking at any one situation, belief, problem, relationship, that all of them all stem back to an attachment pattern.  That at the core of all issues or even seemingly "non-issues" in someones life there is a persistent pattern of interaction they are applying to nearly everything they do.

 

So in therapy I personally believe people avoid focusing on any one issue, primarily because it focuses on EVERY issue.  That it is fundamentally their relationship to every single thing they do, their primary mode of operation, that they desire to change.  And the scope and magnitude of this change is fundamentally overwhelming.  Every relationship will change, their relationship with themselves will change, their opinions and ideologies might change, their behaviors will certainly change, their persistent sense of self will change, their feelings throughout the day will change, their motivations and desires will change.  And fundamentally to examine anything if you begin to prod at the underlying structure means everything will change.  As soon a single outlier in behavior exists, then the structure itself begins to lack integrity.

 

I have found in my life I seem to fall into the dismissive-avoidant category.  Frankly it can be hard to tell the difference between dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant, they are pretty dang similar.

 

But from what I have seen in what I would call this unifying theory.  That nearly every behavior, nearly every relationship, nearly every action I take, follows the predictable pattern layed out within this attachment theory.  I maintain a distance, suppress and hide feelings, generally seek less affection and intimacy than others etc. etc. etc.

 

And basically everything I do in my life in some way fits the needs of this attachment pattern.  I smoke for example which can be off-putting and great a distancing myself from others.  It also gives me an air of destructiveness and cynicism.  It creates an artificial reason for judgement by others.  It will also only particularly be attractive to people who have a similar tendency which keeps me safely out of the secure category and the consequences of intimacy within it.  

 

I've also had issues with weight and fitness.  And once again it makes perfect sense within the structure here.  Distances intimacy, creates reason to be judged, it's entirely self-generated to serve these necessary emotional needs due to the pre-existing pattern.

 

I see this within my tendency towards underachievement, hygiene to some extent, at times cynical and distancing tendencies within relationships, non-pursuit of relationships, view of the world, my non-commitment to basically anything and all things.  That fundmentally commitment is a good word for it, but I find that my actions often entail doing things from a safe distance in a non-committed manner.  Fundamentally with myself, but this relates to interests, passions, people, relationships, friendships, even shit even my damn screen name has "eh?" in it

 

So I have felt that in avoiding self-knowledge and therapy... I've been well aware that there has virtually never been an outlier within this schema.  And to explore any one issue, meant EVERYTHING was going to change.  And that can be pretty overwhelming.  To what extent have I expressed beliefs, developed a sense of self, developed relationships, developed skills, all of which may be completely TRASHED if the underlying structure and personality is shifted.

 

Truly to enter therapy and to address the underlying schema is a complete abandonment of ego.  And a complete abandonment of attachment to basically everything I do, every way I relate, every relationship I have, my relationship to myself, the way I normally feel, the things I normally do, the things I normally think.  Literally everything is within this lens and this pattern / schema.  So to examine the damn schema / pattern is one hell of a change.  And is essentially a form of death.

 

I personally find it baffling that people go to couples counseling.  I find it baffling that people try to make any small changes in their lives.  That to me I've always sort of felt this way, and perhaps it doesn't apply to everyone, but I've felt there is a very consistent and persistent pattern to every single thing I do and every single thing I think.

 

I find it a bit baffling within psychology this isn't a commonly spoken of issue.  I find the gradualism within certain spheres a bit bizarre.  Perhaps it is useful?  But I find the notion of looking at each detail of anything sort of pointless.  I feel like there is an underlying structure that all behaviors rely upon.  And to simply examine that will alter damn near every behavior, relationship, thought, feeling, everything.  I find it a bit baffling people feel like they can work on a single relationship or behavior in their life and don't see how that will ripple outward into everything it is they do.

 

Fundamentally I believe to change one thing is to change everything.  

 

And this is why we see for example in weight loss, people rebound with dramatic predictability.  That their efforts to change a specific behavior will fundamentally fail, because it doesn't fit within the schema.  And until the underlying schema is shifted, all attempts to act against it are futile or merely fit within some sort of frustration complex within the schema itself.

 

This is the reason for the very very common nature of relapse in almost any change in someones life.  This is the reason why people are largely predictable.  This is the reason why people generally never change, or the changes that do happen always kinda make sense in a pattern.  That everything in a persons life will feel pretty similar to them, and anything which is outside that norm for them will need to be adjusted back to the norm, or they will have to change literally everything else.

 

So theres a rant.  I could go on further in terms of practicality of changing this situation, but I am curious if anyone else relates to this.  I would argue the main purpose of many therapies is to provide a secure attachment.  The other alternative is to change within the limbic system this fundamental pattern methodologically. I have posted one example of how I believe to do so by yourself here:  https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/47567-want-to-generate-an-emotional-insight-try-this/

 

Do you see an underlying pattern in most relationships and behaviors in your life?

 

Does everything you do sort of make sense if you examine them all as having a very similar pattern behind them?

 

Do you feel at all that changing something in your life would fundamentally be a threat to everything else?

 

Have you found it difficult to aspire to changes in one area of your life rather than every area at once?

 

Or completely contradictory evidence is welcome as well.  I am currently tracking a contradictory experience with a friend of mine who made a change with weight lifting...and I'm curious to see if that ripples outward into other areas or not.  I've seen a few changes in his work and relationships that he may not be aware of having been affected by this seeming unrelated change.  Buuuut I will wait to gather more evidence on that.  For what it is worth he used the exercise I posted above and went from struggling to consistently lift weights to only noticing months later that he had no more problems with it after one use of the exercise.

[Tony Crowe]

I can confirm as a person who journals, did therapy, and put a lot of effort into self work that what you're describing is so. The 'attachment' categories is a new idea to me but it does accord with my experience as I have worked through each stage. I did not have any intent of making small changes from the beginning. I wanted to make radical shift and gains toward my goal of maturity. If someone just wants to tweak this or that in their life I don't expect it to work, just as you say.

 

Does 'attachment' have something to do with infantile development?

[Eh Steve]

Generally yeah.

 

Attachment theory is based on studies where they take a toddler, separate it from its parent, and see how it responds with a scientist in the room.  They were able to break that down into four consistent patterns.  And for the most part how the toddlers react follows through into adulthood as a pattern of socializing and behavioral patterns.  I'm sure it trends out into ACE scores and all sorts of other implications but it is a pretty popular and utilized theory in many forms of psychotherapy.  It is also generally as I mentioned held up as the reason why rapport / alliance with a therapist is the most predictable metric you can measure for a patients progress in therapy.

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

I know a fair bit about attachment theory. I personally think it explains a lot about how and why people are the way they are. There's a quiz you can take to find out which style you are: http://web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

There is a short version that you don't have to register for, but the long version is a lot more detailed and asks you questions about specific people in your life and you get a lot of nifty graphs. You can also log in to do the long version again and compare your scores over time to track your progress.

 

I typically sit on the fence between anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant, depending on the person and situation. If the other person is kind to me and shows an interest in me, I'll lean to the preoccupied side and end up being very clingy and needy. If I perceive that they dislike me or have rejected me in some way, however trivial, I'll quickly lean to the fearful side. Attachment theory explains a lot about how I interact with people, why I have the people in my life that I do, and where a lot of my basic fears and anxieties come from. I do think that learning to be more securely attached would help resolve a lot of problems that I experience. No therapist I have had has ever explored this with me, though. They do tend to focus on just single issues and immediate problems. I don't think this is particularly effective for the reasons you say. Dealing with a problem at hand is just treating the symptoms, not the underlying cause.

[Eh Steve]

Thank you for the response Nightspirit

 

We talked in the chat so it is a bit repetitive to respond here.  But I really appreciate the response and the test you've given here.  

 

It makes sense I had so much trouble figuring out the fearful and dismissive stuff, I ended up just minorly on the fearful side pretty much in the center.

 

I hope you're able to find a therapist, if you are continuing to look into it, who would be willing to explore this area with you.  I do dislike the focus on immediate issues and like a more holistic approach in how I interact with people, certainly a therapist I would really want that.  That to me these patterns are so clearly life-long and show up in so many areas of life I can find it very frustrating when therapists only focus on single relationships or things I consider minor like work satisfaction etc.  I really feel like I'd want someone who focuses more on me as a person and less on the problems I may be dealing with specifically.

 

For what its worth it was really nice to talk with you and you seem like a very sweet person.  I hope that if these issues persist for you that they'll get better or you'll be able to get some help with them.  It in some ways pains me to think of people not treating you well, particularly a therapist that can be pretty painful.  Speaking of which I hope you're feeling better from what was causing you some pain yesterday

 

Thanks again for the post Nightspirit