Positive Traits Worksheet from CBT Therapy

[perrytheplat]

In my second therapy session, which went well, my therapist asked me to talk about my strengths and weaknesses. I almost exclusively discussed my weaknesses and I came up short of being able to describe any strengths that I have. This was pretty illuminating for me and made it very clear that I haven't really placed any value in myself and that I have low self-esteem. She gave me a sheet with a list of a bunch of positive traits and asked me to go through it and see which ones I thought I had and comment as to how. I'm going to share the entire list as well as the ones that I chose below.

 

In the process of trying to identify positive traits that I have, I found it very difficult because as soon as I consider them, my mind immediately calls up instances to negate those positive traits and to suggest to me that I don't have those traits. This is pretty troubling and unsettling. I put a negative spin on almost all of them. I also questioned whether some of these traits are positive at all or if they even serve me well. Just to refresh everyone's memory ... I'm in therapy for social anxiety disorder. Here's the full list.

 

Positive Traits: kind, intelligent, hardworking, loyal, attractive, down-to-earth, goofy, creative, accepting, friendly, flexible, nurturing, thoughtful, confident, optimistic, respectful, determined, skilled, helpful, motivated, insightful, funny, patient, realistic, honest, generous, modest, serious, independent, trusting, resilient, cheerful, self-directed, reliable, relaxed, listener, brave, decisive, enthusiastic, forgiving, humble, sensitive, organized, selfless, practical, mature, focused, courteous, grateful, open-minded, positive, responsible, cooperative, frugal, tolerant, innovative, balanced

 

Traits I Checked Off: kind, intelligent, hardworking, loyal, nurturing, respectful, helpful, insightful, realistic, modest, serious, independent, reliable, listener, forgiving, humble, mature, courteous, open-minded, responsible, tolerant

 

I'm coming to the realization that quite possibly these things are all just traits ... they aren't positive or negative. They just are traits ... and that they can either be used positively or negatively. They aren't binary. I can choose to recognize that I do have some without being self-deprecating while also choosing some traits that I don't have that I can work towards and achieve.

 

What do you guys think?

[Eh Steve]

I'd like to start my comment again with the feeling of happiness and pride I have in you for being in therapy  It is immensely difficult and requires quite a bit of humility, open-mindedness, and responsibility to examine our own behaviors and try to work to understand ourselves.  So I'm very optimistic, proud, and genuinely just delighted to see you are doing this and taking these steps

 

I hope the therapy goes well and I'd like to continue to convey the feeling that I truly do think it is a very good thing that you are doing this.  Regardless of my desire to give input here or express my own thoughts I'm just exceedingly happy for you

 

With that said here are my thoughts and feelings / experience and I hope they are helpful for you

 

(I type long things, I hope you like it but I apologize if it is in anyway overwhelming )

 

I've had an interesting reaction to feeling positive traits about myself in my own life.  And often hearing people's positive feedback to interacting with me can be pretty foreign and unusual feeling.  That internally I don't really relate to being a positive or friendly or enjoyable person to interact with.  And despite recognizing it objectively and understanding when I get feedback, it is truly bizarre how much it can conflict with my own view of myself.

 

To branch out a bit intellectually here.  With virtues I believe there is something known as the Aristotelian mean where for example courage is a virtue, but an excess would be recklessness, and a deficit would be cowardice.  

 

I think in the same way viewing these traits as neutral can be appropriate.  In that being helpful, forgiving, and tolerant could be virtues.  But those very virtues can be used against you if you are helpful, forgiving, and tolerant of people who are not deserving of that.  Of people who do not demonstrate those same virtues in return.  And that fundamentally to extend these virtues to others without requiring reciprocity is not extending these virtues to yourself.  It's not very helpful to allow yourself to be exploited.  It's not very courteous to yourself to let people hurt you.  It's not very insightful to not recognize your own feelings and to be overly critical of yourself when it is in many ways other people who are being exploitive or negative.

 

That fundamentally it may be we have these mixed feelings about our traits because we are not applying them to ourselves.  That I may treat everyone else very well.  Even if they aren't deserving of it.  And that fundamentally the person I use these virtuous behaviors with the least is myself.

 

In looking at intelligence I've found it really can be that same thing of a potentially wonderful trait, but it can have many negatives to it.  I've used my intelligence at times to come up with really negative things to say about people.  I've also used it to be insightful, curious, and helpful to others and myself.  It really has depended on my use of my traits and in many ways finding nicer people to interact with that I found my negative tendencies with these traits really sort of has started to go away and my more positive and friendly side has begun to flourish.

 

I mentioned this earlier when we spoke it may bear repeating or it may not.  But I do find it an interesting possibility that if we desire to be positive in our lives.  That the tendency towards being negative about our own negativity might not be the best way to achieve that.  That in many ways the negativity in my did serve as this protective mechanism.  That if I was too friendly I could get hurt.  That if I was too insightful the shallow people around me might not like me.  That if I was respectful to people who did not deserve respect I felt inauthentic.  That if I was hardworking I could be exploited.  

 

That these strengths I have are only strengths when I protect myself.  And that a refusal to believe in their positivity as a recognition that I need to really look out for myself and not let the hurtful people in the world influence me so strongly.  That emotionally in many ways these traits weren't positive if I was allowing myself to be hurt.  That I simply couldn't believe it to be true because within the context of how I let myself be treated and how I was treating myself they simply weren't virtues.

 

In this way I can view my self-doubt and viewing myself negatively as a positive.  Some of the people I have known in my life who were the most positive about themselves were abject narcissists.  At an emotional level I might say "well, low self-esteem sucks, but I don't want to be a narcissist, and I don't know what else to be besides this way or that way."  And I've found many benefits in my life in having lower self esteem.  There have been times when I thought too highly of myself and I was very reckless, I hurt myself and I hurt others.  And while low-self esteem isn't the best answer for that, I really did feel that I was better off not feeling that great about myself if it meant I wasn't vain, if it meant I didn't feel confident to attack people, if it meant I wasn't self-righteous, that I was able to doubt myself and doubt that I was inherently such a great guy.  That I had to take my actions and the effect it was having on myself and on the people around me seriously.  And until I earned that confidence that I wouldn't hurt others, that I wouldn't be vain, that I wouldn't act out, that I simply couldn't risk being that positive about myself.

 

I think in compassion for myself and understanding the steps I need to take to earn this feeling of confidence in my own positivity I've found some comfort.  And I've found some use in talking with other people who really disagree with this negative view of me.  When it first happened when I was much younger I found it reaaaallly disorienting.  It is less disorienting now but does still feel a bit odd to me.  I think from what I know you are taking the correct steps to improve that for yourself which makes me very excited and happy for you

 

I hope this post is enjoyable or helpful in some way.  I'd like to thank you for sharing your posts and experience in therapy.  It is both interesting to me and I think for me and hopefully for others it really is truly helpful to see other people in therapy and talking about it.  Therapy can be verrrry scary and intimidating to go into and to see that you have not only gone but are also willing to share your experience with others is a sign of courage to me in many ways.  So thank you very much for sharing Perry

[perrytheplat]

I'd like to start my comment again with the feeling of happiness and pride I have in you for being in therapy  It is immensely difficult and requires quite a bit of humility, open-mindedness, and responsibility to examine our own behaviors and try to work to understand ourselves.  So I'm very optimistic, proud, and genuinely just delighted to see you are doing this and taking these steps

 

I've had an interesting reaction to feeling positive traits about myself in my own life.  And often hearing people's positive feedback to interacting with me can be pretty foreign and unusual feeling.  That internally I don't really relate to being a positive or friendly or enjoyable person to interact with.  And despite recognizing it objectively and understanding when I get feedback, it is truly bizarre how much it can conflict with my own view of myself.

 

To branch out a bit intellectually here.  With virtues I believe there is something known as the Aristotelian mean where for example courage is a virtue, but an excess would be recklessness, and a deficit would be cowardice.  

 

I think in the same way viewing these traits as neutral can be appropriate.  In that being helpful, forgiving, and tolerant could be virtues.  But those very virtues can be used against you if you are helpful, forgiving, and tolerant of people who are not deserving of that.  Of people who do not demonstrate those same virtues in return.  And that fundamentally to extend these virtues to others without requiring reciprocity is not extending these virtues to yourself.  It's not very helpful to allow yourself to be exploited.  It's not very courteous to yourself to let people hurt you.  It's not very insightful to not recognize your own feelings and to be overly critical of yourself when it is in many ways other people who are being exploitive or negative.

 

That fundamentally it may be we have these mixed feelings about our traits because we are not applying them to ourselves.  That I may treat everyone else very well.  Even if they aren't deserving of it.  And that fundamentally the person I use these virtuous behaviors with the least is myself.

 

In looking at intelligence I've found it really can be that same thing of a potentially wonderful trait, but it can have many negatives to it.  I've used my intelligence at times to come up with really negative things to say about people.  I've also used it to be insightful, curious, and helpful to others and myself.  It really has depended on my use of my traits and in many ways finding nicer people to interact with that I found my negative tendencies with these traits really sort of has started to go away and my more positive and friendly side has begun to flourish.

 

I mentioned this earlier when we spoke it may bear repeating or it may not.  But I do find it an interesting possibility that if we desire to be positive in our lives.  That the tendency towards being negative about our own negativity might not be the best way to achieve that.  

 

That these strengths I have are only strengths when I protect myself.  And that a refusal to believe in their positivity as a recognition that I need to really look out for myself and not let the hurtful people in the world influence me so strongly.  That emotionally in many ways these traits weren't positive if I was allowing myself to be hurt.  That I simply couldn't believe it to be true because within the context of how I let myself be treated and how I was treating myself they simply weren't virtues.

 

I think in compassion for myself and understanding the steps I need to take to earn this feeling of confidence in my own positivity I've found some comfort.  And I've found some use in talking with other people who really disagree with this negative view of me.  When it first happened when I was much younger I found it reaaaallly disorienting.  It is less disorienting now but does still feel a bit odd to me.  I think from what I know you are taking the correct steps to improve that for yourself which makes me very excited and happy for you

 

I hope this post is enjoyable or helpful in some way.  I'd like to thank you for sharing your posts and experience in therapy.  It is both interesting to me and I think for me and hopefully for others it really is truly helpful to see other people in therapy and talking about it.  Therapy can be verrrry scary and intimidating to go into and to see that you have not only gone but are also willing to share your experience with others is a sign of courage to me in many ways.  So thank you very much for sharing Perry

 

Thanks for your response Steve. Very uplifting. I appreciate that. There is positivity in recognizing the negativity that I exhibit because I'm actually doing something about it to change my life outlook and self-esteem. I like what you said about the aristotelian mean. I find that to be very true whereas before it's so easy to have black/white absolutes dictate life. 

 

So I may be able to benefit from using this knowledge to challenge those negative automatic thoughts. When my mind says well you are this and what about this and that and it is taking things to extreme I can filibuster and tell myself to stop and remind myself of the artistotelian mean. These particular traits may be my default, however, if I stray from them in particular situations, it doesn't negate the fact that they are my baseline ... and that I can be proud of having such traits. 

 

In your example ... courageous and brave enough to tackle my demons ... but not reckless to ignore the costs of what I may be doing and what effects it may have. In this instance I wouldn't be a coward because there's no deficit in courage or bravery because I'm already participating in my own growth. So I could proudly own the fact that I am courageous or brave ...

 

Am I making sense there Steve?