Mood swings, inability to make new friends, scared to take the step into parenthood etc.

[Alamut]

I'll keep it short and throw random bits of whatever comes to my stream of thoughts on this topic.

 

Let me start by saying that the "usual" culprit of mood swings, money, is not the issue in my situation. Don't get me wrong I'm not some richie rich, but I like my work and get payed nicely for it, so there is not a slightest bit of reason for me to complain about that aspect of my life.

 

So let's move on. Ever since I was 25 I would practice this kind of "therapy" by getting in my car and driving around for couple of hours, thinking or even talking to myself about things that bother me in my life. It happened during the period when I had a embarrassing fallout with a buddy, and I was so ashamed of what happened, I didn't want to get ridiculed by our mutual buddies and acquaintances - so I literally went into depression mode, watched moves and played computer games for 6 months.

 

Then I started to drive around and ask myself what am I doing and where am I going in my life. It got me out of the rut, I started to hit the gym, lost some weight, started to feel good about myself, and eventually got in a relationship. I'm in that relationship today, 5 years. As you might presume, postmodern 21st century setup - living together for years but no kids and no marriage. Why? Am I wasting her good years? There are days where I want to be the father and want us to have a family, but then there are days when we argue over something and all the "father" ambitions disappear.

 

I don't have good relations with my parents. Not saying they're bad relations, but they're not good either. It's a lukewarm, kinda good, occasionally, if our moods align "OK" type of relations. I don't like to share my things with them, for whatever reason. To give you a clue, my parents haven't been in our new apartment that we've been renting for almost 2 years. And my parents live an hour away.

 

Moving on. Girlfriends family, bit on a "simply country folk" side of things, I like them, but then again, there are days where I feel grumpy and agitated by everyone who doesn't comply with my standards or everything...for example, if we discuss about something, and if they don't give me the reply I expect them, I feel as if they're not "on the level" I would like them to be.

 

Same goes with what is left of my friends. When I was 20 I had numerous friends or maybe they were good acquaintances, I don't know. At some point, I started to exercise the same "is this guy on my level" criteria with them and basically cut 90% of them out of my life. That might seem like a "normal" thing to do, maybe some of you might think that it's good to get rid of people who you just don't have common interests anymore...

 

But it's more complicated than that. I'm past 30 years old, I haven't made a single new friend in probably a decade. Yeah I met new people but I feel it, more and more, that I'm not able to make the connection. Despite me trying to be "cheerful" in those situations when you meet someone new, crack jokes etc. I just feel as if I ooze this aura of repulsiveness, or however you would call it. I joined a car club last year, attended few meetups, talked to people but none of those became buddies, someone you can call on random weekends to go catch a drink somewhere.

 

I'm scared of that. My GF is my only friend. If I had a marriage tomorrow, I would not be able to think let alone find a best man for myself. This is a pretty significant void in my life. And I'm scared that it could lead me into feeling constantly in bad mood. The only time I'm carefree and happy is when I'm cruising in my car. It relaxes me.

 

When I get back home close to the garage, I realize I drove alone the whole time, I realize that I didn't have anyone I could call for a company, and I realize that I'm torn between being introvert and not minding being alone - but also swinging back into "I wish I had a friend to call now" mood right after.

 

My questions is how do I approach this issue? Where do I start?

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

As someone who has almost no friends and struggles to find anyone I like well enough to call a friend, I definitely sympathise. Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to find friends once you're in your 30s. People just get busy and have their own lives. I'm not sure worrying about who would be your best man is a terribly huge issue- you don't need to have groomsmen or bridesmaids in a wedding (I didn't) and it does help keep the costs down. That said, the realisation that you have no one to ask if you did want to have someone stand up for you at your wedding is a painful one. 

What reasons do you have for wanting to marry your girlfriend? What reasons do you have for not having pursued that yet? Are you with her just because she is your only friend? How does she feel about getting married?

 

Is your main question how to go about finding good friends?

 

Also, have you been in any kind of therapy or done any self-knowledge work of any kind?

[Alamut]

Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to find friends once you're in your 30s.

 

Yeah...I'm well aware of this inevitable fact of life. I mean, there probably are some offbeat exceptions...but...I'll have to be realistic on that one. I'm probably set on this no-friend course for a long time...

 

 

 

I'm not sure worrying about who would be your best man is a terribly huge issue- you don't need to have groomsmen or bridesmaids in a wedding (I didn't) and it does help keep the costs down.

 

It's not about mathematics or practical side of things, I know I could get married without anyone present (aside from my GF lol) ... but it's symbolic. Having a best man is also a certain notch in life's achievement...not having that kind of relation in life probably looks a bit sad for the spectators...

 

 

 

What reasons do you have for wanting to marry your girlfriend? What reasons do you have for not having pursued that yet? 

 

We're in a long relationship, and I'm starting to feel like a eternal manchild, in my early 30s, not taking the commitment with her. I will admit, there are plenty of times where I think about being the irresponsible bachelor bum, living alone without having to answer to anyone, but I know that's my depression or whatever talking.

 

 

 

Are you with her just because she is your only friend? How does she feel about getting married?

 

I'm with her because I genuinely love her, although I constantly "nag" her about some of her personality quirks, I am full aware of my personality. For example, I keep suggesting that she could join the gym...and I say that at the most random, inconvenient times...or when w have lunch when she comes home from her job...

 

I do it because I say whatever something occurs to me, I can't think twice or keep my mouth shut, but I have no ill intentions, just speaking my mind. One important thing to mind here is that she's probably 5 lbs overweight, at best, where as I'm 6'2 / 250. You get the picture.

 

 

 

Is your main question how to go about finding good friends?

 

Yes. I would like to know. I'm feeling alone, not having someone to share the shit I go thru, or just talk shit back and forth not necessarily life-altering conversations. But I feel like I'm really a weirdo in social environments. Few years back, I just kept the idea that "everyone else is nuts, I'm the only one sane and normal" and that kind of thinking would entertain me...but I don't find it cute anymore. It's evident that I have trouble connecting with people, or better yet, staying connected.

 

Random example: I met one guy thru common friend couple of months ago. Few days ago I was at a sport event and that guy was standing 10 feet from me. I didn't want to approach and say hi to him, because I thought...well...why can't HE be the one that remembers meeting me back in that day...so I didn't bother with it.

 

To make matters funnier (more pathetic), next day I got into parking lot garage at the mall and he parked 3 cars next to me. I didn't make a move. It's pretty baffling behavior but I still do it.

 

 

 

done any self-knowledge work of any kind?

 

I "talk" to myself about these things when I go out on a drive...and I drive for those reasons (introspection, contemplation...etc) a lot. Don't wanna see therapists, I can't have anyone who has my address, face, and phone number know my secrets. Yeah I know the therapist wouldn't care and I would be just another patient to him but still...

As someone who has almost no friends and struggles to find anyone I like well enough to call a friend, I definitely sympathise. Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to find friends once you're in your 30s. People just get busy and have their own lives. I'm not sure worrying about who would be your best man is a terribly huge issue- you don't need to have groomsmen or bridesmaids in a wedding (I didn't) and it does help keep the costs down. That said, the realisation that you have no one to ask if you did want to have someone stand up for you at your wedding is a painful one. 

 

What reasons do you have for wanting to marry your girlfriend? What reasons do you have for not having pursued that yet? Are you with her just because she is your only friend? How does she feel about getting married?

 

Is your main question how to go about finding good friends?

 

Also, have you been in any kind of therapy or done any self-knowledge work of any kind?

 

[Will Torbald]

Would you consider yourself a masculine guy? What is masculinity to you? I'm sorry to be blunt, but I had to do a double take while reading your story because I thought I was reading a woman's thoughts the whole time. Not to say you don't have a man inside of you, but if it's there, it only comes out while driving.

[Alamut]

Would you consider yourself a masculine guy? What is masculinity to you? I'm sorry to be blunt, but I had to do a double take while reading your story because I thought I was reading a woman's thoughts the whole time. Not to say you don't have a man inside of you, but if it's there, it only comes out while driving.

 

No problem, if my post makes you feel a certain way or bring certain conclusions, that's what it is then.

 

Masculine to me...a man who is independent and a provider, stable and confident in himself. I don't think I'm masculine that much, I would say I'm average. I do provide, all is good on that front. Confident? Nope. My hair's been thinning for years and I still try to lie to myself that it will stop. It won't. But I can't see myself being bald, it would make me feel like a loser. 

 

Funny how I obsess over hair and I can't do anything about it, but I can do something about my fitness... 

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

Yeah...I'm well aware of this inevitable fact of life. I mean, there probably are some offbeat exceptions...but...I'll have to be realistic on that one. I'm probably set on this no-friend course for a long time...

 

Self-fulfilling prophecy... You can make friends when you're older. It's just a lot harder.

 

 

 

It's not about mathematics or practical side of things, I know I could get married without anyone present (aside from my GF lol) ... but it's symbolic. Having a best man is also a certain notch in life's achievement...not having that kind of relation in life probably looks a bit sad for the spectators...

 

Because a wedding is all about what guests expect? All about status and image? Are you sure you're thinking about getting married for the right reasons? It sounds like you want a best man for the sake of having a best man, not because you actually want to share the moment with someone who really cares about you and supports you. If you don't have someone who fits that bill, why would you want a best man at all?

 

 

We're in a long relationship, and I'm starting to feel like a eternal manchild, in my early 30s, not taking the commitment with her. I will admit, there are plenty of times where I think about being the irresponsible bachelor bum, living alone without having to answer to anyone, but I know that's my depression or whatever talking.

 

Do you think she deserves better than what you can offer? Frankly, I would find it offensive if someone only wanted to marry me because he was worried about being an eternal manchild and was only considering marriage because it felt like what he was supposed to do, not what he wanted to do.

 

 

 

I'm with her because I genuinely love her, although I constantly "nag" her about some of her personality quirks, I am full aware of my personality. For example, I keep suggesting that she could join the gym...and I say that at the most random, inconvenient times...or when w have lunch when she comes home from her job...

 

I do it because I say whatever something occurs to me, I can't think twice or keep my mouth shut, but I have no ill intentions, just speaking my mind. One important thing to mind here is that she's probably 5 lbs overweight, at best, where as I'm 6'2 / 250. You get the picture.

 

I can imagine that would be annoying or offensive to her. Has she asked you to stop? Why do you think you do this? This sounds like a foible of yours, not hers.

 

 

Yes. I would like to know. I'm feeling alone, not having someone to share the shit I go thru, or just talk shit back and forth not necessarily life-altering conversations. But I feel like I'm really a weirdo in social environments. Few years back, I just kept the idea that "everyone else is nuts, I'm the only one sane and normal" and that kind of thinking would entertain me...but I don't find it cute anymore. It's evident that I have trouble connecting with people, or better yet, staying connected.

 

Random example: I met one guy thru common friend couple of months ago. Few days ago I was at a sport event and that guy was standing 10 feet from me. I didn't want to approach and say hi to him, because I thought...well...why can't HE be the one that remembers meeting me back in that day...so I didn't bother with it.

 

To make matters funnier (more pathetic), next day I got into parking lot garage at the mall and he parked 3 cars next to me. I didn't make a move. It's pretty baffling behavior but I still do it.

 

Those are both examples of where you could have been proactive about initiating a potential friendship with someone and didn't. Why didn't you? If you want friends so badly, why are you putting the responsibility for it on other people? I'm not trying to have a go at you and I can relate to wanting the other person to make the first move, but ultimately, you're the one responsible for achieving the things you want and it won't happen if you sit around waiting for someone else to offer it to you.

 

 

 

I "talk" to myself about these things when I go out on a drive...and I drive for those reasons (introspection, contemplation...etc) a lot. Don't wanna see therapists, I can't have anyone who has my address, face, and phone number know my secrets. Yeah I know the therapist wouldn't care and I would be just another patient to him but still...

What exactly is the aversion to getting therapy? Driving around talking to yourself might be relaxing and may even generate insights, but more likely, you're just going to be thinking in circles without getting any outside perspective. Who is going to challenge your false beliefs if you don't know they are false? Who is going to point out you're in denial about something if you can't accept you're in denial? Do you actually want to get better, and if so, what is your motivation for it?

[AccuTron]

"We're in a long relationship, and I'm starting to feel like a eternal manchild, in my early 30s, not taking the commitment with her. I will admit, there are plenty of times where I think about being the irresponsible bachelor bum, living alone without having to answer to anyone, but I know that's my depression or whatever talking."

 

OR...given that a huge number of males are making that decision intentionally...maybe you are sensing what you REALLY want to do, and that conflict is causing depression, not the other way around.

But I can't see myself being bald, it would make me feel like a loser. 

 

Well, there's Yul Brynner, but more effective, watch tons of medieval Japanese movies.  They almost always shaved their heads in a male baldness pattern, and the blades slicing thru the air make a sound like "whissh", not "sissy."

[Eh Steve]

My sympathies dude, this is a tricky thing to deal with and not really a fun place to be :/ 

 

This statement in particular jumped out to me :  

I can't have anyone who has my address, face, and phone number know my secrets.

 

Your girlfriend already has all this.  Maybe you aren't telling her your secrets.

 

And a best man will have all these things as well potentially.  Making friends in your 30's can be tough, but it sounds like you may not be comfortable with the vulnerability / honesty necessary to develop a best man sort of relationship.

 

This one also jumped out to me:   I just feel as if I ooze this aura of repulsiveness, or however you would call it. 

 

That is certainly one possible answer as to what is happening.  But there are also other answers which might be true for you.

 

With the recommendation of a therapist there is a bit of nuance and reasoning to it that may need some explaining to help you out.  People giving you advice is often extremely limited in changing anything or actually helping.  When you are dealing with issues around building close connections and feeling as if you ooze an aura of repulsiveness, those are issues talking with a therapist would help significantly with.  Primarily a therapist is someone you build that sort of connection and closeness with you are looking for with friends and your girlfriend to some extent.  They are sort of a guide / introductor to the way you want to relate to people.   

 

A therapist isn't about criticizing you or you giving away secrets you don't want to give away.  Basically imagine to yourself that with a therapist, every concern you have there is a way to deal with that.  And the issues you navigate with the therapist will directly relate to your marriage and building better friendships.  A therapist can just a guide to help you dealing with other people and yourself.  And to me, I'd consider as just an imagination exercise, that what if every concern you have about it may be completely completely valid, but there will be some way to have things go your way.  That it isn't about telling  your fears they are wrong, they might be totally correct, but that there might be some way to work with a therapist that doesn't violate those fears.

 

It can be hard looking to build close relationships later in life.  And it would be nice if the people we grew up with ended up being that in an ideal world.  We're a tribal species, I personally don't think it makes a ton of sense evolutionarily to be bonding with strangers in that way.  So we're in a bit of "all of the people I should be close with I'm not, the tribe has collapsed" sort of situation.  So it makes sense to me for this to be a bit stressful and difficult to figure out.  Building an alliance out of nothing can be tricky, and if you feel you are oozing repulsiveness and don't want people to know who you are it is going to be even harder.

 

To me, I'd like it if I was close to my neighbors and my workmates.  I have arranged that to some extent but I'd like to push it pretty far.  My plan for my family is to try and arrange it so we are close with our neighbors, they are also peaceful / attachment parents etc, and we build a nice little community out of it.  I sorta envy the Amish except for the luditism and religiosity.  It can be tough living in a world of strangers.  I don't think it is especially natural and can be pretty stressful for some people.

  

I think to me you have some universal issues going on that can be examined in how you relate to people and yourself that will help both your marriage and in building more meaningful friendships.  I'd consider the possibility that you could make great strides in these areas fairly rapidly by examining some core emotional stuff.  You could do this on your own, but I've found that simply doesn't work well for everyone. 

[Jessica Rose]

I relate to a lot of what you wrote, particularly when it comes to making new friends past 30. I'm 34 and nearly all of my close friends are people I've known for 15+ years. I have difficulty making friends with other women because generally, I haven't been able to meet women with whom I have much in common. Many women my age are now married and/or have children, and that seems to render any mutual interests to be few and far between, because I've never been married and I'm child-free. I tend to have more interests in common with men (politics, sports, philosophy, literature, etc.) but the same problem is present -- most men my age are married and therefore the friendship is difficult (or inappropriate) to maintain.

 

I noticed in your post (and in your responses) that the way you are viewed by others is important to you. It seems as though you're torn between what you feel you're "supposed to" be doing with your life, and what you actually want, and in my opinion, your 'wants' are winning. You've been with your girl for five years but haven't married her yet because you don't really want to. If you were madly in love with her and eager to be her husband and make her the father of your children, you would have done it already. Instead, you're having your cake and eating it, too: You're a gainfully employed thirty-something male in a stable relationship and are therefore socially acceptable to those in your general peer group, but you've clearly made a point to maintain the freedom and ability to bolt at any time and drive off into the moonlight, which I think is what you really want, but you don't want to hurt your girl or be seen as a "loser" for being single and/or not having close relationships with others.

 

I must say here that I'm not judging you at all -- just stating what stands out to me about your situation. I don't really feel as though you're indecisive, either. You didn't make the effort to talk to that guy at the sporting event simply because you didn't want to. If making/keeping friends were truly a priority to you, you would have initiated the interaction. Instead, you wanted him to come to you, and when he didn't make the effort either, it reinforced your belief that you're awkward/socially repulsive and thus you avoided him a second time at the mall. 

 

I'm not going to tell you to go into therapy, because I've never had therapy and therefore I wouldn't feel comfortable recommending to others something I haven't personally experienced. I do think you need to sit down at some point (or take a drive) and seriously evaluate what -you- really want, who you want in your life, and who you want to be as a person -- but this time, you need to own it and take responsibility for your own desires versus what you think you "should" want.

 

Hopefully what I've said here is helpful. If my assertions are incorrect or I've said anything offensive, please let me know.