My experience with isolation

[Rachelle]

For a while now I've been trying to understand and connect with my fear of not having support from others while taking risks. So today I focused on my experience of isolation in the past and how this contributed to believing myself inferior. I tried to connect with this emotionally by writing to myself.

 

I still want more connections in my life and to become more secure in reaching out to others and I believe this is a big reason behind why I want to share this with this community.

 

This is what I wrote:

 

Born and lacking protection. Exposed to many who mock and hurt me. Isolated and disconnected from those who were supposed to be there for me. I shy away from people and remain silent for fear of attack but this does not keep me safe. My silence is seen as weakness, and to most people I am around I now appear as a weak animal expected to be eaten by it's own kind. Often I am left unprotected by the ones who gave me life until they return at an unknown time. I don't want to live in this savage dark prison any longer.

 

Beasts come every time I seek a way out. They mock me, they look at me with disdain, and worst of all they tell me I will always be alone.

 

They tell me it is hopeless that there is no end to this prison. They say that everyone that claims to have left this place and found one better are liars, people who are more wicked and cruel than they. I'm afraid but I don't want to stay. I can feel myself slowly dying. I don't know where to go.

 

People have come for me. I believe they're strong and kind. They show interest in me and best of all they're telling me that they know how to get out. With pride and bitterness they explain to me how far along they are compared to others and that while I am also far behind I have the potential to catch up. I am excited that people believe in me and that I now know the way out, but I am filled with shame for being lesser than they.

 

I soon realize it's not safe for me to show that I am wounded because I'm afraid I'll be abandoned as I was before. They treat the wounded as inferior and do not equally share their lives with me as I do with them. They show little respect for the cautious behavior of one who has been betrayed by their own and left to suffer. They expect immediate vulnerability and trust, and I fear to offer it. I am punished for resistance with implicit threats of what scares me the most, isolation. So I offer my vulnerability, again and again, in hopes that this will bring me closer to them, until the day I'm told that I offered too much. that I need too much, and that I'm just too damaged. Now I realize I'm alone again and that they cannot help me further. The beasts laugh at me and how foolish I was to believe that I might belong  with them. I believe what they say is true and can no longer move. The pain is unbearable. The beasts appear more alive and vicious then ever. Over and over one of them repeats how disgusting I am to have clung onto others. This is what they've waited for...they're going to devour me.

 

I do not know if I can keep going or if I should just give up but...I don't want to die. This lack of internal unity eats away at my will, my energy drains and I become starved for anything that will give me energy to move again. Eventually I find what I need, but only crumbs, little bits of strength that I savor. For a moment I can think of nothing else but how sweet the taste. The beasts notice my movement and I see their faces twist into a mix of fear and rage as they realize their job is not done and that they must remain alert. I'm too exhausted to fear any possible attacks. I start to wonder who has left these crumbs behind and why, if they have had so much to eat to have only left so little behind, do they not come not for me. Perhaps they mistake me for one who is already dead and cannot see me among the bodies.

 

I think of the beasts near me and remember the fear I saw in their faces when I began to move. What are they afraid of? What will happen to them if I keep looking for a way out? I look harder at the beasts and notice for the first time that they appear as ghostly figures. I realize that these beasts have never physically attacked me, unlike the ones long ago. Do these beasts even exist? Who do they serve and what is their purpose? Are they creations of my mind? Are they me? Am I no longer stuck in a physical prison but now a mental one? I must answer these questions. If they are me then I want to understand them. To attack them is to attack myself, and to do that is to never be free.

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Shame on those who mistreat the wounded out of fear of being reminded that they themselves are not free of injury. Praise the brave heroes who get out and are able to face that it was done not without a price. Thanks to all who see strength and not weakness when looking at those who work towards a better life filled with integrity and emotional honesty.
 

 

 

[Jessica Rose]

For a while now I've been trying to understand and connect with my fear of not having support from others while taking risks. So today I focused on my experience of isolation in the past and how this contributed to believing myself inferior. I tried to connect with this emotionally by writing to myself.

 

I still want more connections in my life and to become more secure in reaching out to others and I believe this is a big reason behind why I want to share this with this community.

 

Thank you for having the courage to share this, Rachelle. Hopefully the act of writing it out was helpful for you. I've kept a journal for most of my life and I've always found it somewhat relaxing to express my thoughts on paper at the end of the day, though I understand that it can be difficult (or even uncomfortable) for others. I sincerely hope that you will be able to make safe connections in your personal life, as well as here in the community.

[Rachelle]

Thank you, Jessica. Indeed I find it very helpful to write and I enjoy it immensely. I also keep a journal of sorts, but it's disorganized because I go between using pen and paper and digital.

 

It's not uncomfortable for me to write, but it is for me to share. I was conflicted about posting something so personal on a public forum. I was concerned it might be inappropriate or irrelevant or simply "not the place" to do it. However, I recognize that for me this is a form of self attack because I'm afraid of expressing the negative experiences I've had in my life to others due to being attacked in the past. In my experience it's usually viewed as weak and I'm written off as pathetic. As you say some people are uncomfortable with writing/facing their own experiences like this which I think can lead them to being dismissive or avoidant. I felt anxious after posting until I shared this with my mother, after which we discussed it together and she expressed admiration. It was a great experience.

 

I think there's a decent argument to be made that this indeed very personal and perhaps best shared privately among those who are close. However, I wanted to share it for the reasons previously stated, and also to help solidify in my mind that negative experiences inflicted upon me are not for me to be ashamed of. I've also personally benefited from people sharing their stories or simply expressing themselves in this way.

 

I appreciate your hopes for me to have safe connections. I'm happy to report I've already made one with someone I met on this forum. He's been a great support with an impressive amount of honesty and empathy. Knowing he'd be there to talk with if this post ended up being some horrible mistake helped me have the courage to post what I had written.

 

Unrelated to this thread, I wanted to say welcome to the forum! I enjoyed your post in the thread about Mood swings, and inability to make new friends. I thought what you said was very insightful.

[Jessica Rose]

I understand completely the disorganization that can come from alternating between paper and digital journals. Many years ago I also had the habit of alternating between the two, and I found it frustrating. I realized how much more I enjoyed putting pen to paper, so I decided to commit to that method. Do you prefer one over the other?

Posting private thoughts and feelings on a public forum can definitely seem like a daunting task, particularly since you've been attacked in the past, but I'm glad that you took the risk. I'm also very happy that you had such a positive experience sharing what you wrote with your mother, and that she was supportive. I hope this makes you feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with others from now on, as they are certainly valid, and definitely not "pathetic" or a sign of weakness -- quite the opposite, actually, as I believe it takes great strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
 

I think there's a decent argument to be made that this indeed very personal and perhaps best shared privately among those who are close. However, I wanted to share it for the reasons previously stated, and also to help solidify in my mind that negative experiences inflicted upon me are not for me to be ashamed of. I've also personally benefited from people sharing their stories or simply expressing themselves in this way.

 

I quoted this part of your post because I thought it was very insightful, particularly the part about not being ashamed of your negative experiences, because they aren't your fault. I related to this, because current "friends" in my life have made me feel guilty for my emotions and for my reactions to their negative behavior, and it has taken me many years to realize that it was unfair of them to treat me this way. It's a long road to being able to trust -- not just trusting others, but trusting ourselves and our emotions. I'm very happy that you've made a friend here, and that he helped you to feel safe about posting. Thank you for the welcome, and your kind words. I hope the road to trust is becoming easier for you, and that you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings here again.  

[aviet]

My first thought from reading your post is the nature of hens, the animal. When one of them becomes injured, the others will peck it to death; and thus those dumb beasts are consigned to living in their own feces for as long as humans deem them worth keeping around. If humans had been so discriminate, they would not have made it out of the caves. That you think differently could be a sign of higher levels of development and thus not inferior.

You have a way with words. What you wrote was quite poetic, particularly the start. You used metaphor to describe what would otherwise be bland, yet I fully understood what you wanted to communicate and was not left confused as to your meanings as typical overuse of metaphor does.

I have a similar background to yourself, though not so severe. Throughout much of my younger years I felt a sense of inferiority to people my age because I virtually never went to the cool places young people went to: loud bars and clubs. I was practically never invited to these places and when I did I generally didn't enjoy it. Last year I realised that I should not have to feel the need to be in such places that I don't like just because of ill-founded social pressure; and I look at the people who have spent 12+ years going to them and see it's been a big negative for them.

There are lots of people in this world, with many different characteristics. They each have different things they can offer as a result. The people who have to offer the most are the outliers. The people who do what no one else is doing are the people who history remembers most. It's the pack that is inferior and the weight on progress. You're probably just different.

If you were to travel back in time 3,000 years to pagan Europe, the likes of Bill Gates would be the types to be deliberately killed in a 'hunting accident'. For the history of humans, outliers have always been marginalised. It is only in recent times that we have really been able to see what the likes of women and beta males can offer; and I think there is far more that can be unlocked. The state school system sure isn't unlocking it.

As for the loose suicidal (I think) comment; I could have done myself in, in the past, but I'm glad I did not. It is a combination of everything I have been through and my unorthodox way of doing almost everything that made me an outlier and seen as weak, weird etc. But it's also what has made me more interesting and successful that most people. There is a quote from Joe Rogan I like:

"Everyone I know that is interesting has overcome adversity."

Right now it seems like you are not in a great position and that people around you expect little. What you are going through most people do not have to deal with. Push through and there will be rewards, especially if you find one thing to work on and never give up. Your gifts are not the ones that are given to most, which probably means they are better.

"Resistance builds strength" - Stef

"Life has a habit of hiding your greatest gifts and presenting them as your worst nightmares" - David Icke

"It wasn't youth, it wasn't life

Born old, sadly wise

Resigned (well, we were)

To ending our lives

I'm so glad to grow older

To move away from those awful times

I want to see all my friends tonight" - Morrissey

[Rachelle]

I understand completely the disorganization that can come from alternating between paper and digital journals. Many years ago I also had the habit of alternating between the two, and I found it frustrating. I realized how much more I enjoyed putting pen to paper, so I decided to commit to that method. Do you prefer one over the other?

 

I quoted this part of your post because I thought it was very insightful, particularly the part about not being ashamed of your negative experiences, because they aren't your fault. I related to this, because current "friends" in my life have made me feel guilty for my emotions and for my reactions to their negative behavior, and it has taken me many years to realize that it was unfair of them to treat me this way. It's a long road to being able to trust -- not just trusting others, but trusting ourselves and our emotions. I'm very happy that you've made a friend here, and that he helped you to feel safe about posting. Thank you for the welcome, and your kind words. I hope the road to trust is becoming easier for you, and that you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings here again.

 

Using a pen is more calming and relaxing for me. I usually use it when I'm writing in a less controlled/focused way. I use digital to bring my thoughts into something more coherent, sometimes bringing in what I've written in pen to capture the my emotions or thoughts more fully. It's nice to be able to type quick sentences down and follow trails of thought, it helps me keep track and I can copy and paste and weave them together at a later point. So my preference depends on my mood and what my goal is in the moment.

 

Yes, I agree with what you said about trust. I questioned my judgment and had a difficult time trusting myself after some relationships that I've had. It's taken a lot of work to understand what happened in those relationships and learn how to foster trust and security within myself. No one should ever try to make someone feel guilty for having emotions. They're uncontrollable, unlike actions. I'm sorry to hear you were treated that way.

 

My first thought from reading your post is the nature of hens, the animal. When one of them becomes injured, the others will peck it to death; and thus those dumb beasts are consigned to living in their own feces for as long as humans deem them worth keeping around. If humans had been so discriminate, they would not have made it out of the caves. That you think differently could be a sign of higher levels of development and thus not inferior.

 

You have a way with words. What you wrote was quite poetic, particularly the start. You used metaphor to describe what would otherwise be bland, yet I fully understood what you wanted to communicate and was not left confused as to your meanings as typical overuse of metaphor does.

 

I have a similar background to yourself, though not so severe. Throughout much of my younger years I felt a sense of inferiority to people my age because I virtually never went to the cool places young people went to: loud bars and clubs. I was practically never invited to these places and when I did I generally didn't enjoy it. Last year I realised that I should not have to feel the need to be in such places that I don't like just because of ill-founded social pressure; and I look at the people who have spent 12+ years going to them and see it's been a big negative for them.

 

There are lots of people in this world, with many different characteristics. They each have different things they can offer as a result. The people who have to offer the most are the outliers. The people who do what no one else is doing are the people who history remembers most. It's the pack that is inferior and the weight on progress. You're probably just different.

 

As for the loose suicidal (I think) comment; I could have done myself in, in the past, but I'm glad I did not. It is a combination of everything I have been through and my unorthodox way of doing almost everything that made me an outlier and seen as weak, weird etc. But it's also what has made me more interesting and successful that most people. There is a quote from Joe Rogan I like:

 

 

Right now it seems like you are not in a great position and that people around you expect little. What you are going through most people do not have to deal with. Push through and there will be rewards, especially if you find one thing to work on and never give up. Your gifts are not the ones that are given to most, which probably means they are better.

 

Yeah, I'm happy that I think differently and agree with your statement, a lot of what I've written was what I believed in the past due to how I was treated.

 

Thank you for the compliments and feedback on my writing, that's very kind and warming to hear.

 

I've never enjoyed being in those types of places either and it was rare for me to ever go. It was not something I valued and neither was the company and I don't regret my decision to avoid that.

 

I've never wanted to commit suicide. I've contemplated the idea but it's not something I ever wanted to do.

 

Thank you for your encouragement, that's always a nice thing to have from others. I indeed intend to continue to push through and I've already gained many rewards. I doubt I'll ever give up, especially having come so far already. I'm confused about what you mean when you say that people around me expect little and that I'm not in a great position. I'm in the best position I've ever been in and I don't consider it a bad one.

[aviet]

I'm confused about what you mean when you say that people around me expect little and that I'm not in a great position. I'm in the best position I've ever been in and I don't consider it a bad one.

Crossed-wires on not a great place. It seemed to me that you are not in a good mental place with statements like:

 

- So I offer my vulnerability, again and again

- I do not know if I can keep going

 

Now I read your post again, I can see it is a bit more bitter-sweet and you seem to be focused on self improvement?

 

On 'people expect little', you said:

 

- I now appear as a weak animal expected to be eaten by it's own kind.

- They tell me it is hopeless that there is no end to this prison.

 

I'm not sure who these people are, but it doesn't seem they expect much of you.

 

As mentioned, I have had a similar experience. It appears that whatever way you have been treated is more obtrusive to the latent drip-drip of casual disregard and demoralisation I received. Little was expected of me and I chose to accept other's limited views of me as my own.

 

I'm not sure if that is relevant to you as you've not gone into specifics and there is only so much you can communicate in a few hundred words. But from what you have communicated, it seemed like it is.

[Rachelle]

Crossed-wires on not a great place. It seemed to me that you are not in a good mental place with statements like:

 

- So I offer my vulnerability, again and again

- I do not know if I can keep going

 

Now I read your post again, I can see it is a bit more bitter-sweet and you seem to be focused on self improvement?

 

On 'people expect little', you said:

 

- I now appear as a weak animal expected to be eaten by it's own kind.

- They tell me it is hopeless that there is no end to this prison.

 

I'm not sure who these people are, but it doesn't seem they expect much of you.

 

As mentioned, I have had a similar experience. It appears that whatever way you have been treated is more obtrusive to the latent drip-drip of casual disregard and demoralisation I received. Little was expected of me and I chose to accept other's limited views of me as my own.

 

I'm not sure if that is relevant to you as you've not gone into specifics and there is only so much you can communicate in a few hundred words. But from what you have communicated, it seemed like it is.

 

Okay, I think I understand. To clarify this was a brief summation of my experience with isolation throughout my years. I'm no longer around these people and what I've written as far as my mental states or beliefs are most if not all in the past. I have lingering pain while working through and understanding the fear I have in areas like improving social skills without feeding a sense of inferiority or being submissive to abuse.

 

This is honestly one of the reasons why it's difficult for me to share or express negative emotions or talk to some people about my past while being emotionally connected. By this I mean the assumptions that by having these feelings or exploring them is somehow an indicator that I'm not "focused on self-improvement" nothing in what I said communicates this, this is an assumption which I gather from what you said, is based on your own experience and not mine. So please don't make assumptions like this and make implications that I'm not putting in effort or that I'm satisfied to remain limited or small. If something isn't clear to you then please ask.

 

Reflecting on the above paragraph I want to be clear that this is an insecurity of mine (people assuming I don't put in effort). I'm responsible for what I share and with who. Posting on a public forum means opening myself up to anyone, including people who will think I'm not putting in effort. I do not want to attempt to make you responsible for my insecurities and expect you to tip toe around me. I'm thankful that you're being honest and will use the experience to become stronger. I am still pushing back on you making assumptions and would still like you to ask if something isn't clear. It's more exhausting and not an enjoyable conversation for me to defend myself against assumptions rather than just answer a question someone might have.

[DaVinci]

That's very brave of you to post that. Not because you have something to fear here, but because you are being so open about yourself and exposing your own anxiety. 

 

I'm sorry that you've had experiences like that in your life. I've also had a rough life, so I can kind of understand. 

[Rachelle]

That's very brave of you to post that. Not because you have something to fear here, but because you are being so open about yourself and exposing your own anxiety. 

 

I'm sorry that you've had experiences like that in your life. I've also had a rough life, so I can kind of understand. 

 

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback and the sympathy. It's encouraging.

[Toys4]

 How have things been of late for you? have you been able find anyone to express yourself with and not get attacked? Have you been able to make improvements. I've isolated my self as well for so many years, Like you its due to abuse I suffered long ago. I believe that I've held a grudge against my abusers and just regressed internally. Often giving the impression to others that I prefer to be alone, but the reality is I needed caring people but I didn't have people to communicate my troubles with. I didn't come from an environment where true empathy was expressed, I didn't even know how to express the dilemma myself. I still struggle with isolation. It seems that you have tried to connect on many occasions and have only met with abusers. Has that changed any for you since you last posted? maybe I can learn from your experiences.