The inescapable false self

[Danske]

First off, I believe this is somewhat of an emotional dump, so please move on if that's not your thing. However I think there is enough good information here to perhaps illuminate both my own and some aspects of other people's patterns.

 

So last night as I sat with my feelings of envy and the emotional block of numbness, I had a breakthrough. It's like I could see the pattern of my life. A four stage unending cycle that keeps the false self in charge of me.

 

When I picture how my mind operates, the false self is in charge all the time. Even now I believe. I picture it as this tall, vicious woman who picks up the true self (who I represent as a small child) by the collar of his hoodie (the true self being the feeling/emotional part of me). It then drags him around, parading it in front of other people like a show animal. "ABUSE HIM! ABUSE HIM!" says the false self, and with this going on in my head, it comes across in my body language and voice, and thus I am abused. The false self takes pleasure in this, I the true self is like a curious oddity to her, being a sentient being who can feel.

 

When I run from external abuse, the false self then (still holding the true self by the collar.. a true self with it's eyes tightly closed) begins screaming in the face of the true self, about how they deserve abuse, about how they are weak, impatient and miserable.

 

Now and then the true self awakens in an absolute murderous rage. It attacks the false self which then plays the victim and gaslights the true self "oh you're attacking me! you're hurting me!" it summons.. something and I feel sleepy, I feel drowsy. At this point I usually lie down and try to sleep but it is hard and I just end up lethargic. like something is sucking the lifeforce out of me.

 

I remember this is the same pattern I went through growing up. From toddlerhood onward my mother would parade me in front of others while mocking me "oh he hasn't learnt to do x yet, oh he's shy etc. etc." always something negative and humiliating (others saw this and none spoke up. Thanks a lot). When home she would vent onto me about how I didn't know how to interact, how I was lazy, stupid and miserable. Eventually this would go on long enough that I would feel absolute rage. This woman would NOT leave me alone. I longed for absolute isolation. I was like a show dog. Humiliated constantly in front of others. Having my public reputation destroyed again and again, then abused in private too (this would also be an argument for the days of hard work in the fields, less time for sick people to abuse their kids, but that's another issue).

 

I remember desperately wanting her to disappear, just so some aspect of me could grow normally without her interference. So some aspect of me would not be shamed as it grew forth. 

 

When I had these rages however, she would play the victim. She would cry and say I was hurting her, and at this point my dad would enter the scene. I remember being around 6-7 and being chased down the stairs and choked until I lost consciousness. When I woke up I felt relieved to be alive, but also sad that this was now my pattern. To be publicaly and privately humiliated, to have no respite from it. until feelings of murderous rage welled up, but which would find no way of being expressed. It's like they were choked out of existence.

 

All of this happened as each of my developmental stages was inevitably intercepted and stymied. Mistrust, shame, guilt, inferiority and confusion were inevitable, with the narrative being that I was responsible for these mindsets.  A plant cannot grow if the leaves are constantly being touched and interfered with. Knowing that my father, in essence the 'final say' of my childhood would be willing to kill me for interrupting the idea that my mother was doing the 'right thing'. My world became lethargy.

 

This is why the false self is overwhelming for me, and is a prison I have yet to escape from. It was death or accept the abuse and humiliation of a sadist.

 

 

 

 

[Rachelle]

Danske, I think that you're incredibly brave to share this in such a public way knowing how you were raised to be put in the spotlight and forced to drink the venom of others, especially that of your mother.

 

It broke my heart to read what you've been through. How degrading and what a cruel betrayal by both of your parents. Your existence sounded suffocating and any attempts to breathe would then be met with literal hands that made you incapable of breathing. As if your a creature so low that you don't even deserve to breathe. That's truly sadistic.

 

Your true self is strong to have survived everything that you've gone through. It suffered many injustices in order to keep you alive, there's no shame in what it or you had to do, the shame belongs to the ones who kept you in such a hellish world for the purpose of torture. Those people are the ones who are lowly, weak, pathetic, miserable, and undeserving of respect or any kind of sanction. I'm sorry that you struggle with believing this of yourself, it was necessary before but not anymore, it's okay for you to breathe.

 

It's impressive you can see the pattern so clearly. You get enraged (defend yourself) your mother cries victim (attempts to cast you as the sadistic one, lowering your defenses because you know what it's like to be sadistically attacked) and then lethargy, a feeling of lifelessness (your dad choking the life out of you, leaving you helpless). I'm so sorry you've suffered so deeply and so for long. You have my respect for surviving. You deserved better.

 

I hope you can convince the voice in you head that it's no longer necessary to live that way or for it to take on the role of your mother. I also hope that you have or will have the support from others, so that they can help remind you that you deserve respect, compassion, and kindness, instead of ridicule.Take care.

[Danske]

Thankyou. It means a lot to be empathised with in this regard, and I feel I can really accept that now I am aware of the cycle.

 

The 'acting out' stage, where relationships are destroyed, I understand now that it is my choice whether or not I indulge that. Often I find myself creating fantasies of self-victimisation or immorality from others, acting out (even rehearsing in private), then after they (rightfully) retaliate or ostracise, I dissociate until my conscious mind 'forgets' (though the true self remembers of course). Thus the cycle plays out again and again.

 

This cycle made the addition of 'acting out' inevitable. There was no choice to merely dissociate through my childhood. As with the medieval torturer, their victims were not allowed to faint through whatever torture was being carried out. Once dissociated the torture would stop, and the victim would be gently revived in order that the torture continue with as much conscious pain being experienced as possible.

 

As for where I am currently, I have the choice to not act out, and to experience the pain and blocks that have been with me from the start but which I have ran from when it seemed no one could understand or deal with the rages. My accumulated past of bad relationships, I can also look at and accept now (as a relevant side note, I had siblings whom my mother sowed discontent with as she enjoyed watching us fight, thus stoking our own sadistic tendencies).

 

Though the world still burns with humiliation, I will continue. Though everything I see, everything I touch, everything I think triggers humiliation I will continue. Though this currently renders me unfit for consistent application of my will in a field of interest. I will continue.

 

Again, I thankyou for your kindness and for reading my story.

[Will Torbald]

I can sympathize with the humilation and the murderous thoughts. What do you do with yours? In my practice I have found that having a strong division between the mind and reality helps in the exercise of letting emotions play out. In my mind they become a sword, and I use it against those that provoked the anger in the first place. After I see myself in my mind actually killing them, I can then ask myself "was it worth it?" or "are you happy now?" and "is this what you wanted?" - but if you don't even allow yourself to think, they will think for you.

[Danske]

I can sympathize with the humilation and the murderous thoughts. What do you do with yours? In my practice I have found that having a strong division between the mind and reality helps in the exercise of letting emotions play out. In my mind they become a sword, and I use it against those that provoked the anger in the first place. After I see myself in my mind actually killing them, I can then ask myself "was it worth it?" or "are you happy now?" and "is this what you wanted?" - but if you don't even allow yourself to think, they will think for you.

I actually think playing out the fantasies mentally can be destructive. Especially if it feels very real  (adrenaline spikes etc). I try to catch myself as soon as I start creating a self-victimizing narrative now. It's not always easy but I'm catching it sooner and sooner.

 

Though perhaps what you say about reminding yourself of the distinction between fantasy and reality could be helpful too, I have not done that. For me the 'acting out' by punching a sofa or mattress or screaming at the sea only seems to perpetuate the cycle. Because your body thinks 'oh, so we're warming up for battle right? the world is still dangerous right?' and makes the chemical changes accordingly.

 

I think emotions are more likely to transform when we quietly sit with them and do not immediately seek to act them out. This requires both a safe environment (with someone who is also dead-set against abuse, not some clueless enabler like a lot of therapists are) and a determination to not 'act out' but rather to stay with the changing feelings and blocks to feeling.. basically whatever comes up.

 

Does that make sense?

 

[aviet]

First off, I believe this is somewhat of an emotional dump, so please move on if that's not your thing.

 

 

I could be wrong, but the way this comes across to me is that you don't believe you are good enough to have this heard. Yet it seems to me that such posts are of most interest here.

 

---

 

Again, I could be completely wrong, but your post conjured one word in my mind: sabotage.

 

My observation is that there are many ways people sabotage themselves and society. They often appear to be closely linked to a desire for attention or deferment of responsibility. There are some very obvious instances of sabotage, such as self harm and eating disorders, but others are practically not recognised as such.

 

I believe that to a considerable degree mental illness can be forms of self-sabotage. In particular depression. Being depressed is a choice that people resign themselves to and is an easy excuse to why you sabotage your social life and career. Responsibility deferment.

 

Another instance is mild bullying, or rather teasing campaigns. When I have seen people subject to this, they typically end up sabotaging their person and reputation by going out of their way to make themselves comical and ridiculous. Attention seeking.

 

Several years ago when I had ended up in a bad physical and mental place after being shunned by the NHS, I began to wish that I would just be diagnosed with some illness that meant I could go on benefits my whole life and not have to worry about anything. Responsibility deferment.

 

When I was about 10-11 I started at a school and within a few days I was very down because I had not made any friends. So I began to fantasise being bullied. Responsibility deferment (putting effort into making friends) and attention seeking.

 

When I was doing GCSEs, I was having trouble with bullying by teachers and by my last exam I was mentally worn through so just wrote a load of spiel about hemp legalisation for my last exam. I would not say that was deferment or attention seeking, but just a coping mechanism.

 

Psychologists tend to think that self-destructive behaviour is a coping mechanism. It may be that you have created this false self as a coping mechanism for what your parents did to you, particularly the mental abuse of your mother, who appears to be personified in your false self. It seems to me that the false self is a vehicle to defer responsibility for your development. You say:

 

"just so some aspect of me could grow normally without her interference"

 

Yet it may be easier to defer responsibility for your current situation for the rest of your life on your mother. What she did was terrible, but there is no reason you should have to suffer the rest of your life because of the pain she transferred from herself onto you.

 

The way I see situations like this is that deep down, there is a desire for their perpetuation, rather than healing. Hence self harm. It seems your imposition of your mother's malaise on yourself is a result of her humiliation, compounded with her emotional blackmail when you tried to escape. The result appears to be that you have a shame and guilt in engaging in life due to and instilled feeling of unworthiness.

 

The way out starts with being adamant that you want to get out, that you no longer want to impose this false self on yourself. You seem like an intelligent guy. There is plenty that you could likely do if you put your mind to it.

[Rachelle]

"I believe that to a considerable degree mental illness can be forms of self-sabotage. In particular depression. Being depressed is a choice that people resign themselves to and is an easy excuse to why you sabotage your social life and career. Responsibility deferment."

 

That's bold to claim that depression is a choice. I don't believe depression is a choice because it's a feeling, or a collection of feelings. You don't have direct control over your feelings. If he's depressed then he's depressed for a reason. This is not to say he's doomed to a life of depression. Feelings can be a message telling you that something is wrong, at the very least it urges you to find the source of whatever you are feeling. I don't think you get out of depression by telling yourself that it's a choice, but rather by understanding why you feel the way you do and changing things in your life accordingly (assuming the causes are in your control). It's a more indirect control over changing a feeling, while gaining self knowledge in the process. You do however have control over self-attacking and making irrational judgments of yourself when you feel bad, it's difficult but if you recognize it as such, then you have control over it, but not over your feelings which you should allow yourself to feel freely.

 

"When I was about 10-11 I started at a school and within a few days I was very down because I had not made any friends. So I began to fantasise being bullied. Responsibility deferment (putting effort into making friends) and attention seeking."

 

Your parents were responsible for teaching you social skills.

 

"Yet it may be easier to defer responsibility for your current situation for the rest of your life on your mother. What she did was terrible, but there is no reason you should have to suffer the rest of your life because of the pain she transferred from herself onto you."

 

I think it's insensitive and not helpful to say that it's easier for him to defer responsibility. It's not about what is easier or harder, unless by easier you mean safer. In his mind it may very well be safer to stay with what is familiar, even if the familiar is abuse. Its not that it's just "harder" it's fear of receiving punishment or fear of death. You don't help someone overcome fear by telling them they're taking the easy way out by abusing themselves or staying in an abusive situation. It may in some cases work short-term but long-term I think it's damaging to yourself because you're trying to force yourself past a fear instead of understanding, respecting, and working through it.

 

The way out starts with being adamant that you want to get out, that you no longer want to impose this false self on yourself. You seem like an intelligent guy. There is plenty that you could likely do if you put your mind to it.

 

He didn't impose this on himself, it was inflicted on him and now he has to work through it (or not, his choice). I think he's already done something towards getting out just by posting what he did.

[aviet]

I did say I could be wrong with what I said. They were just my thoughts.

 

"I believe that to a considerable degree mental illness can be forms of self-sabotage. In particular depression. Being depressed is a choice that people resign themselves to and is an easy excuse to why you sabotage your social life and career. Responsibility deferment."

 

That's bold to claim that depression is a choice. I don't believe depression is a choice because it's a feeling, or a collection of feelings. You don't have direct control over your feelings. If he's depressed then he's depressed for a reason, and I think for a legitimate reason based on how he was raised. This is not to say he's doomed to a life of depression. Feelings can be a message telling you that something is wrong, at the very least it urges you to find the source of whatever you are feeling. I don't think you get out of depression by telling yourself that it's a choice, but rather by understanding why you feel the way you do and changing things in your life accordingly (assuming the causes are in your control). It's a more indirect control over changing a feeling, while gaining self knowledge in the process. You do however have control over self-attacking and making irrational judgments of yourself when you feel bad, it's difficult but if you recognize it as such, then you have control over it, but not over your feelings which you should allow yourself to feel freely.

On depression. Yes, it's a bold claim that will offend people who want to defer responsibility for their current life choices, but from my experience of people with depression I think it is the correct analysis in most circumstances. If you are depressed it will be due to factors in your life. As an adult those factors will be under your control. If you choose not to change them, then it is a choice to be depressed. It's easier to make the choice to wallow in the life-destroying waters of depression than it is to begin climbing the mountain of confronting your past, present and future; and what is really going on in your mind.

From what I have seen people get addicted to the negative spiral of depression, just as they can become addicted to the negative spiral of drug abuse, bulimia and cutting. For whatever reasons, self-abuse is a common human response to mistreatment.

 

 

 

I think it's insensitive and not helpful to say that it's easier for him to defer responsibility.

 

Again, I could be wrong with everything I said. I was just offering my perspective from having come from a similar, but less sever background. I replied to your thread as well, but it has gone to moderation. I also have a similar background to yourself. If I could rewind myself five years, I may come out with various deferments for my then situation: it was my parents' fault, it was my teachers' fault, it was the NHS' fault, it was societies' fault. It would be true that all of them had dealt me blows or were presenting challenges, but I was an adult and refusing to move past all of the related issues and staying in a sorry-for-myself state. The route out was rejecting all the limitations which had been placed on me. I did not take ownership of the unenlightened ways in which I was treated, just the unenlightened way I was dealing with it.

If someone told myself five years ago that my then situation was my fault I probably would have thought it was insensitive, but it turned out to be true.

[Will Torbald]

I actually think playing out the fantasies mentally can be destructive. Especially if it feels very real  (adrenaline spikes etc). I try to catch myself as soon as I start creating a self-victimizing narrative now. It's not always easy but I'm catching it sooner and sooner.

 

Though perhaps what you say about reminding yourself of the distinction between fantasy and reality could be helpful too, I have not done that. For me the 'acting out' by punching a sofa or mattress or screaming at the sea only seems to perpetuate the cycle. Because your body thinks 'oh, so we're warming up for battle right? the world is still dangerous right?' and makes the chemical changes accordingly.

 

I think emotions are more likely to transform when we quietly sit with them and do not immediately seek to act them out. This requires both a safe environment (with someone who is also dead-set against abuse, not some clueless enabler like a lot of therapists are) and a determination to not 'act out' but rather to stay with the changing feelings and blocks to feeling.. basically whatever comes up.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

I understand what you mean, but I'll expand my views to have a more detailed frame of what I meant. I think you're right that lashing out physically on a piece of furniture isn't going to help since I've done similar things that only made me angrier. I'll go step by step.

 

1- The division between fantasy and reality is about a mental state in which all thoughts coming through are known to be only thoughts. It requires mental discipline to be able to sit with eyes closed and understand that where the thoughts are going is only a hypothetical, and not true. If I were to imagine myself attacking someone, it wouldn't be because I want to do it in reality, but that I want to see what it would feel like - and that division allows for experimentation without feeling guilt or remorse. It's not a victimization.

 

2- The reason it is not victimhood play is because that exercise is a proactive one, not a reactive one. The anger I feel is already there, and I seek to see it carried out, only in imagination, and have a conversation with it. It is pure mentality and introspection. I wouldn't suggest role playing it with other people.

[AccuTron]

"shunned by the NHS"

 

Aveit, I'm asking ignorant of any details, do you look back and see this as maybe a good thing?  I don't mean it was pleasant, but what about bogus treatment paths or drugs might you have encountered in the NHS?

[Danske]

I could be wrong, but the way this comes across to me is that you don't believe you are good enough to have this heard. Yet it seems to me that such posts are of most interest here.

 

I'm not sure how warning people that a story could be triggering or traumatic is self-sabotaging? If anything it is having a respect for my own and other's boundaries. These kind of stories may be the most useful to people, but that is not to say they are for everyone all the time. Some people don't want to hear more tales of emotional abuse as they are painful and I don't want to sideswipe them.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

[aviet]

"shunned by the NHS"

 

Aveit, I'm asking ignorant of any details, do you look back and see this as maybe a good thing?  I don't mean it was pleasant, but what about bogus treatment paths or drugs might you have encountered in the NHS?

 

Yes, I do think it was a good thing. Up to that point I was under the impression that there was a heath service that I could go to that would fix my problems. I've since found out that is not the case and that if I have health problems I am going to have to sort them out myself.

 

It was also a good thing as the NHSs refusal to service me was what forced me down to my lowest point, at which I decided to ignore the limitations I had placed on myself. If I hadn't had this experience I probably would have meandered through life in a more average way.

 

And yes, they probably would have pumped me full of drugs that could have become life-long crutches. My mother was dumped onto drugs, which they pescribed her because they refused to diagnose her.

 

I've written more about NHS experiences here: https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/47602-my-socialisedrationed-healthcare-disasters/

 

 

I'm not sure how warning people that a story could be triggering or traumatic is self-sabotaging? If anything it is having a respect for my own and other's boundaries. These kind of stories may be the most useful to people, but that is not to say they are for everyone all the time. Some people don't want to hear more tales of emotional abuse as they are painful and I don't want to sideswipe them.

 

Does that make sense?

Yes this makes sense.

[Danske]

 

Psychologists tend to think that self-destructive behaviour is a coping mechanism. It may be that you have created this false self as a coping mechanism for what your parents did to you, particularly the mental abuse of your mother, who appears to be personified in your false self. It seems to me that the false self is a vehicle to defer responsibility for your development. You say:

 

"just so some aspect of me could grow normally without her interference"

 

Yet it may be easier to defer responsibility for your current situation for the rest of your life on your mother. What she did was terrible, but there is no reason you should have to suffer the rest of your life because of the pain she transferred from herself onto you.

 

The way I see situations like this is that deep down, there is a desire for their perpetuation, rather than healing. Hence self harm. It seems your imposition of your mother's malaise on yourself is a result of her humiliation, compounded with her emotional blackmail when you tried to escape. The result appears to be that you have a shame and guilt in engaging in life due to and instilled feeling of unworthiness.

 

 

This doesn't take into account the multiplicity of the mind. We all have competing desires and goals held by different parts of us. There is my false self  / coping mechanisms / defenses / cycle that wants to not take responsibility. But there is also another part of me that wants to - and is - breaking the chains.

 

Perhaps the title of this post was unfortunate, it made it seems as if all parts of me have given up. This is not the case. There is no 'escape' from the false self, only integration of extreme parts and their transformation.