mvorbrodt Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 As the title states, I used to spank my kids (I have a 7yo boy and 5yo girl, almost 8 and 6 actually) and on several occasions in the past they did get a spanking. it wasn't by any means frequent, i can count the number of times on my fingers, but still, it happened. since I found FDR I realized the error of my ways. few months ago I apologized to my children and promised that I would never hurt them again. I worry because I don't know if I've done irreparable damage to my children's psyche and their view on parenting and relationships going forward. What do you guys and girls think? How do I proceed with parenting going forward? Can I fix the parenting such that the spanking never happened? BTW, wife is on board with peaceful parenting (we were both BEATEN as children, not sure about her, but my ACE score is 5 ) BTW2, I have a very good, loving relationship with my children. Wife and I shower them with love and they know it ;-) BTW3, no, i did not circumcise my son (I live in FL, USA, but I was born in Poland where such barbarism does not happen). What say you? 2
Philosophiza Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 They are young, and yes damage has been done, but it can be fixed to some degree. There is tons of research out there from Dr. Laura Markham and other peaceful parenting information hubs. I must note that when changing parenting styles, there are many things that become harder before they become easier. I suggest finding a therapist for both you and your wife, to start changing your world with kindness and goodness!
Drew. Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 As the title states, I used to spank my kids (I have a 7yo boy and 5yo girl, almost 8 and 6 actually) and on several occasions in the past they did get a spanking. it wasn't by any means frequent, i can count the number of times on my fingers, but still, it happened. since I found FDR I realized the error of my ways. few months ago I apologized to my children and promised that I would never hurt them again. I worry because I don't know if I've done irreparable damage to my children's psyche and their view on parenting and relationships going forward. What do you guys and girls think? How do I proceed with parenting going forward? Can I fix the parenting such that the spanking never happened? Will your children be children who have never been spanked? No. Can you repair the damage? Yes. With the efforts of you and your wife, you two can likely repair a great deal of it. I am currently writing an article about this topic, but I'll share the essence of it here. Adversity can be traumatic to children when it is too great for them to handle. Being hit by a parent is too great of an adversity and is traumatic. Parents help their children deal with adversity in respect to three periods of time: before adversity occurs, while adversity is happening, and after the event. In your case, you would have to help your children after the adversity has occurred. As they grow into adults, it becomes their responsibility to use the tools that you give them now and in the future to deal with what remains. I strongly recommend talking to Stef in the call in show, as Michael suggested. Stef has been a peaceful parent for years, and he can certainly give great advice regarding the practical aspects of it. I would also strongly encourage seeking therapy as well. If you spank your children, there are guaranteed to be other dysfunctional habits and behaviors that you model and potentially encourage in your children. If you sort it out in yourself, you can help your children sort it out for themselves and you can mitigate dysfunctional inheritance. Therapy doesn't have to be with me, but especially look for someone who is familiar with peaceful parenting and has explored their own childhood. Of course, I would be remiss not to suggest myself as well, as I do have experience working with parents who desire to become more peaceful parents. It's a great and wonderful thing that you are doing. I know that you feel bad about your actions, and I applaud you for having the strength and courage not only to face them, but that you admit that they are less than your standards for yourself and are working to become better.
dsayers Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 First of all, thank you for your courage and sensitivity on this subject. It's not easy to break the cycle of violence! Such damage can cause ripples that would resonate destruction throughout their lives. I hope you're able to counteract this. since I found FDR I realized the error of my ways. few months ago I apologized to my children and promised that I would never hurt them again. Could you elaborate on what this looked like? Do you now instead negotiate with them and treat them as equals, rationalizing with them to encourage them to do what you think is best for them? 1 1
thebeardslastcall Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 Sounds like you got over the hardest hurdle, thanks! Now you start talking and building a peaceful relationship with your kids. Also, please take up Michael on his offer to call in! Every resource you can get will help and the talk can help others as well! Good luck! 1
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