Latent Abuse and Perception Shaping

[aviet]

Having been reading here for a few months now, I would say that the forum is about as useful as FDR podcasts. When I was much younger I realised that unless I made a mistake I didn't really learn a lesson. Since listening to FDR, I would now say I am able to learn almost as thoroughly for hearing about others' mistakes and childhoods. Though listening has not taught me much about myself, reading here has, with small chinks of light presented disparately.

Having read many horror stories here and listened to more in podcasts, there has been a strong focus on childhood abuse. I have wondered for sometime how I have adopted weaknesses in my personality, particularly interpersonal relationships. I wondered if maybe I was abused as a child, but cannot remember it. But I very much doubt that was the case. There is nothing from my childhood I can pinpoint as abuse or even particularly bad. I was not physically or emotionally abused by my parents, although other children directed abuse at me they were isolated incidents. If I look back through my life there is no single moment I can pin-point to say that is why I am like I am.

Instead I would say that my perceptions have been shaped by non-abusive acts that could even be considered loving that may have had negative consequences in later life. As an example, I was almost wholly raised by my mother and grandmother. When I was young I think I realised that behaving in a cute and adorable way was something that would garner me a good response. This is not something I abused, or I was made to dance for, it was just part of an upbringing that i now think was over feminised and has poisoned my perceptions in some ways. On top of this I know that my mother's father was abusive, though I do not know to what degree. I also wouldn't be surprised if my mother's mother, who was born in Pakistan and lived in India, came from a family with a father who was abusive in some way. The only story I can remember her telling me of her father is that he ripped the wings off a living crow. As a response to this, my grandmother was very soft and loving with all her children and grandchildren. As a result I think I adopted a latent pedestalling of women, which has had a negative affect. It was never directly communicated that men are bad or worse, its just a perception that was formed from the available data; and one I now know is not true.

The other way in which my perceptions have been negatively affected is via what I will term latent abuse - a slow, drip-drip of interactions etc. that alone mean little, but when taken as a whole form damaging perceptions. The most obvious way that this affected me was teachers who increasingly over the years told me I would fail, disappear into a void and only have little biting comments. I was also treated differently and single out for negative actions, while others were cherished for the most sub-mediocre of performances. Though I did very well at the start of school, by the end I had been convinced I was below average and didn't have any confidence that I could do anything, particularly on my own.

When hearing about personal issues, we always hear about childhood abuse. That is the first area that is typically sought out. It's something that is easy to pin-point. But in my case these incidents don't exist. If I look back through my life I am at a loss to see how I have adopted such perceptions, as whatever has conviced me to hold them was so insignificant as to not be worth remembering.

I've had/have three issues:

Lack of confidence in my abilities, intelligence etc., particularly ability to do things on my own <- resolved
Lack of social confidence <- I'd say 20-20% improved in the last 4 years
Lack of confidence with women <- I'd say 20-20% improved in the last 4 years

Though the latter two are odd in that sometime I am completely fine. I think a lot of it has to do with the people. I am fully aware of how the first was formed as it was from much more obvious stimuli, but I struggle to see how I adopted the last two, particularly as I was very popular in school until the last year and female attention has not been hard to come by. Some of the perception shaping has come through social conditioning, i.e. popular culture. And all three issues were/are to do with not feeling good enough.

Questions:

1) Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences as to personal issues that have been derived from non-abusive or 'latent abuse'?
2) What are your thoughts on why people inflict 'latent abuse'?

As an example, in a groups of friends there may be a 'runt', who is liked, but is the recipient of teasing which imposes on him perceptions of himself and his abilities that could like-wise be inflicted by more savage activities. A strong theme seems to be holding people back, pushing them down. For some people, having someone below you is both a confidence boost and safety mechanism.

I think there can also be an aspect of anti-therapy, i.e. the attempt to make yourself better by making someone else feel worse - similar to the above. The main teacher who sought to make me tiny obviously had so much pain to deal with that he seemed to think he could relieve himself by giving it to me, or his daughter who was often spoke to as a piece of garbage at the same time he was unloading on me.

For me the crux of this behavior is: others seek to impose limitation on you, you choose to accept these perceptions as your own. Children don't have the weapon of philosophy to combat anti-logic.

[neeeel]

The question is not necessarily "was I abused" but "did I get what I needed when I was growing up".

 

Did you get the love, support,advice and protection you needed in order to grow up confident and happy?

[csekavec]

The concept you put forth as I understand it presupposes these things:

 

a)  For latent abuse to occur both abuser and abused must have an externalized sense of self worth, meaning:

b)  They must value the existence of a negative interaction more than the hurt it causes; and

c)  They must accept what the abuser says is true and that truth is an undesirable thing.

 

Put a person of any age who fits these requirements with any other person and your term latent abuse can occur.  It doesn't necessarily require malicious intent from the abuser. Neither does it require an age/power/social status disparity. Just thought I'd point that out. I've seen so many adults who have this as an ongoing issue. It's difficult.

 

Recognition is the all important first step. Only until a thing is held consciously can you apply your intellect and act. Congratulations!

 

A person who derives their sense of self philosophically can't be abused because this latent abuse isn't physical and requires the consent of the abused.

 

I was so fortunate to indirectly learn this early. When I was eleven there was a man in the church I went to who was in his sixties. An immigrant from Scotland, he was horribly abused during his childhood. Though he had very effectively removed his abusers from his life he was clearly haunted by their ghosts. How we became friends is that he began to make solo vocal performances as an invocation. Some hours later after the service ended parishiners took their turns to politely thank him and lie and his skill and their enjoyment of his singing. His dour expression at first made me think that he was unable to internalize their compliments. But I was wrestling with a larger problem. After a few months I finally resolved to talk to him and tell him the truth.

 

I told him that I didn't think he was very good, that the volume balance between his voice and the music was not right, that his thick accent obstructed understanding the words.  That I really admired that he could perform publicly. That I appreciated enormously how much courage he had, since I had literally fainted when I was called upon the prior year to give a 5 minute talk.

 

His face lit up. He knew he was bad. And as an abuse survivor he had learned to value truth to the degree that the false compliments were nothing to him. Even though he was bad singing was a life long dream. I didn't know at the time just how much work it took him to do those public performances because of his early experiences.

 

We became friends.  Now in his 80's he leads a men's choir and leads an a capella group.

 

Ducks oil their feathers so that their environment doesn't cause them to lose flight capability. Healthy people need applied philosophy for the same reason.

[aviet]

The question is not necessarily "was I abused" but "did I get what I needed when I was growing up".

 

Did you get the love, support,advice and protection you needed in order to grow up confident and happy?

That is a fairly accurate way of boiling down what I was thinking, though a bit narrower. My childhood was very good, but it left me unprepared. My view of the world and people was as a result far too positive and got me into some bad situations from being to trusting.

 

A person who derives their sense of self philosophically can't be abused because this latent abuse isn't physical and requires the consent of the abused.

 

I had realised this in the last few days, or maybe more correctly, it properly sank in. At the age of 29 I went on my first date a few days ago. I was expecting to have severe nerves for the entirety of the ensuing morning, but I was completely fine. The realisation that I can just stop limiting myself has finally sunk in; that I was made to feel certain ways in the past is not an excuse. The attitudes and behaviour of Donald Trump are what has pushed me over the edge in this regard.

 

You must have been a bright spark to have been picking things like that up at age eleven. It took me until 15 before I began to pick up the idea of having any sort of philosophy or real curiosity; and then it was wishy-washy from only having myself to guide it and not the experiences of others. Though I guess 15 is much better than the general average of never.

[Absit]

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