I can't decide if i want to stay with my girlfriend.

[jossa]

Hi.

 

I have a strange situation on my hands.

i have a problem asserting my opinions and views with my girlfriend.

this i think stems from childhood with my parents, not being able to be me without fear of verbal reprimands.. i don't have this problem with any of my friends or strangers tho..

 

 

The problem it this:

 

She is a wonderful person, kind and caring. and gentle as can be. the one to have kids with and make a future with. And i really trust her.

The problem is that she is left leaning, and a feminist coming from a university environment.

And myself, i have been working in the private sector all my life and is not political, but i agree with allot of Stefan's views 

 

The issue i am having is that i don't feel like i can truly speak my mind with here in fear of pushing here away, and this is not something i know for sure other then i feel a bit of disgust in her towards me when i speak about imigration, refugees, islam and such. (she totally respects my anarchistic views tho! even if she is for more of a socialistic society)

 

She has got me to open up and speak about this with here, witch is good. And now she wants to know if i would like to make an effort or not being with here.

She has a really good point, if i don't want to then it would be a relationship of obligation and not of love.. 

This question has got me terrified and unable to respond to her. And i am seeking advice and perspective on the matter if anyone would care to help me

i have promised to answer here when the week is over, so i have less then 24 hrs.

 

we don't have children, but we live together. 

 

i don't know if any of this makes any sense.. just ask me if you don't understand what i am trying to say.

 

 

thanks!

[neeeel]

what is "the effort" that she wants you to make? What would that involve?

[csekavec]

Therapy with or without her.

 

I think you'll find "the problem" has nothing to do with her being "left leaning and a feminist."

 

Best wishes!

[jossa]

what is "the effort" that she wants you to make? What would that involve?

 

Oh, i see that is not correct, what i meant was to trust here, commit and settle down a bit.

Sorry English is not my first language.

 

 

 

Therapy with or without her.

 

I think you'll find "the problem" has nothing to do with her being "left leaning and a feminist."

 

Best wishes!

 

hmm i think you are right, i have done this with other girlfriends before but she is the first one to call me out and expose this to me. (not in an aggressive way)

so you think the political views and the feminism is not going to be a problem when we have children and we raise them? 

 

i am thinking about therapy to sort me out, but i have been to afraid to go. 

but you have a good point there.. 

[Eh Steve]

She is a wonderful person, kind and caring. and gentle as can be. the one to have kids with and make a future with. And i really trust her.

The problem is that she is left leaning, and a feminist coming from a university environment.

And myself, i have been working in the private sector all my life and is not political, but i agree with allot of Stefan's views 

 

If she is wonderful, kind and caring, gentle, and you trust her, I'm not sure why you are afraid to speak your mind with her.

 

Your relationship with her is going to be more important than your differing ideologies.  From what you have said so far the current situation you are in does not really make sense.  It doesn't sound like she is talking about the ideological differences in this "we need to be closer or break up" sort of situation, and I do find the ultimatum in it a bit confusing from what you have said.

 

I think there are issues going on you haven't mentioned here.  I'm not entirely sure what those would be.  But I would say be honest and work on your communication and closeness with your girlfriend and yourself.  I don't know how long you two have been dating but at a certain point there is a "commit or we need to move on" thing in relationships.  This sounds pretty stressful to me considering you both live together and it came down to a timeline + a potential breakup, that sounds pretty bad to me.

 

Generically I'd say, be honest with the people you are having intimate relationships with.  Figure out what you want.  And figure out how to make the relationships you choose to be in as satisfying for everyone involved as possible.

[jossa]

 

She is a wonderful person, kind and caring. and gentle as can be. the one to have kids with and make a future with. And i really trust her.

The problem is that she is left leaning, and a feminist coming from a university environment.

And myself, i have been working in the private sector all my life and is not political, but i agree with allot of Stefan's views 

 

If she is wonderful, kind and caring, gentle, and you trust her, I'm not sure why you are afraid to speak your mind with her.

 

Your relationship with her is going to be more important than your differing ideologies.  From what you have said so far the current situation you are in does not really make sense.  It doesn't sound like she is talking about the ideological differences in this "we need to be closer or break up" sort of situation, and I do find the ultimatum in it a bit confusing from what you have said.

 

I think there are issues going on you haven't mentioned here.  I'm not entirely sure what those would be.  But I would say be honest and work on your communication and closeness with your girlfriend and yourself.  I don't know how long you two have been dating but at a certain point there is a "commit or we need to move on" thing in relationships.  This sounds pretty stressful to me considering you both live together and it came down to a timeline + a potential breakup, that sounds pretty bad to me.

 

Generically I'd say, be honest with the people you are having intimate relationships with.  Figure out what you want.  And figure out how to make the relationships you choose to be in as satisfying for everyone involved as possible.

 

 

Hi and thanks so much for the reply.

i am so sorry for being unable to convey my message to you in a good way.

 

she is not saying it is because of ideology, that is my problem with all this, she is fine with me being me.

she is saying that she needs me to commit to her and not keep here at a "distance", which i am doing because i feel this difference in ideology

 

 

The thing is i don't think it is her fault that i can't speak my mind and assert what i am thinking.

i have had this behavior before with other girlfriends in the past, but not with any of my friends or strangers i encounter.

 

She has tried to talk to me about this issue many times, but i "escape" the subject each time.

When I finally talked, she was not trying to be rude or rushing me in any way, but she was putting a bit of healthy pressure on me.

That i think i needed to get to this point and it has made me think about what is going on and my behavior.

 

 

 

What i was trying to say earlier you have now framed perfectly for me. "commit or we need to move on" is what she said.. in a logical and rational way and it all makes sense. And i totally agree with her, 

She also argued that time is not on here side if she wants a family and it is not fair to keep here occupied without commitment for many years.

 

 

But i am afraid to commit due to this inability to be myself. and i am afraid it is going to cost me one good lady..

 

 

maybe this difference in ideology is not so bad? and i am at fault for not having the spine to face it with someone i care that much about?

 

 

 

 

i am sorry for the poor English, i am usually a bit better at it. but i am so tired now that my grammar and words are not to good

[Eh Steve]

Don't worry about the english too much, you are doing fine.  If we had to talk in any other language I'd be using google translate and it would be much worse

 

Maybe just be yourself and see what happens.  What if you found yourself being vulnerable, telling her what you think and feel, and seeing what happens?  If the relationship ends, at least you would be open and gave it your best try, and not because you were afraid to open your heart to what might have been a wonderful woman and a great life.

 

Talk honestly with her.  Figure out what you both want from the relationship.  Tell her about your concerns about the ideological differences.  Figure out how those ideological differences relate to your relationship, or whether they are abstract and unimportant to the relationship.  

 

Some differences in ideology can be gender related.  It isn't unusual for a woman to be less comfortable with ostracism and treating other people harshly / unempathetically.  So over time as long as she supports your decisions and is loyal to you, I don't see that ideological difference as being very important.  And she may be more willing to change her opinions if she feels you are committed to her.

 

If you want a woman who holds the same ideologies as you, you need to make that clear to her.  And you two can either work on that more and figure it out, or you will need to break up.  Or you will come to find you do not care about the ideological differences and you can stay with her.  But there is a time limit on relationships and you need to figure out quickly what you want to do with this woman you care about.  She wants a family.  Figure out if you want a family with her or not as quickly as you can.  I think the best way to do that is to talk honestly with her, consider that as something you could try.  The worst that could happen is you two break up, but it sounds like if you do nothing at all and don't open up to her, you are going to break up anyways.

 

The rest of this may be less relevant but I already typed it out.  I hope it is of some help but if it isn't feel free to skip right over it

 

I would need to know exactly what she believes in terms of feminism.  But, I imagine her beliefs in feminism are going to reflect more accurately in your relationship with her.  If she is trusting and respectful of your beliefs, she's not exactly a ballbusting man hating feminist.  If she wants babies, she's not exactly a lesbian all men are evil and children are evil woman anchors type of feminist.  So feminism can have a lot of different meanings.

 

As long as you and her and the family are more important than anyone else.  Then her political beliefs aren't that important.  Her gender beliefs, if she wants to be a mom, respects you and your individuality, aren't that important. 

 

It really depends on how you define anarchy...but it makes sense that women who want a family can veer towards socialist and even communist beliefs.  Babies aren't really economically productive and have a lot of needs.  If she respects your anarchism and is willing to commit to you, I would consider the possibility that her views on geo-politics aren't particularly important.  And especially with socialism...you may just have a woman who wants to take care of her babies and treat them well, and then is abstracting that into a universal for society.  It's not the biggest deal in the world IMO.  But it is something you should be willing to comfortably discuss.

 

Men often get better with time and women age and lose their fertility and youth.  So you can be in a real bind when to commit.  We see this with doctors all the time breaking up with their girlfriends when they get their new job looking for a better younger woman.

 

It used to be if you dated a woman three times and didn't commit but kept her around you were a bad man.  People didn't even have sex before marriage in those days.  Particularly from a females perspective they require a lot more commitment and the man is much more hesitant to give it out.  The exchange used to be commitment for sex, but the sex is being given away much more freely these days.

 

Decisiveness and knowing what you want are attractive qualities.  And it can be insulting to be with a woman too long but not willing to commit.  She is aging, she is losing fertility, she wants a family, she wants to be committed to you, and she has other options if you aren't willing to be that.  Women can only wait so long and are put into an awkward position moreso than men when it comes to time limits.

 

Figure out what you want and go for it.  Don't make a woman you might love wait for you because you are too afraid to open your heart.  Set the standard that you should feel comfortable being yourself and being open with the people you love.  Start with her and see if it works and try your hardest to be that way. 

[Eh Steve]

For what it is worth I've had girlfriends who shared all of my ideological beliefs.  But I was unwilling to be open with them about my feelings and thoughts.  My relationships suffered and ended because of this issue and they were not made better simply because we shared beliefs about politics, philosophy, or even peaceful parenting.  Even sharing ideological beliefs on how a relationship should work does not matter if you do not actually follow your values in that area.  The fundamental most important beliefs are the ones about honesty and communication within a relationship.  Those are then extrapolated into larger abstractions about politics etc, but you need to have the basics for the politics to make any sense.  But you need to actually live your values, and ideology without integrity is a hell of a problem I'd recommend against having based on my own personal experiences.

 

Sharing ideological beliefs will not help you stay together with someone if you are unwilling to be open and honest about your feelings.  Ideology is not the basis of a relationship.

[dsayers]

Amen, brother. Open channels of communication is key. Shut them down and you rob yourself of happiness. Or rather your inner-abusers would rob you of happiness. So I guess I should say self-knowledge is foundational and then communication is key.

[neeeel]

 

 

The issue i am having is that i don't feel like i can truly speak my mind with here in fear of pushing here away, and this is not something i know for sure other then i feel a bit of disgust in her towards me when i speak about imigration, refugees, islam and such. (she totally respects my anarchistic views tho! even if she is for more of a socialistic society)

 

 

Why would you want to marry someone who you cant speak your mind to? 

Why would you want to marry someone who finds you disgusting? 

[aviet]

I am certainly no expert, and I'm sure marriages can survive a lifetime with worse niggles, but feeling you need to hide your views for a lifetime is not a positive situation. As roughly mentioned by others, I would specifically try and talk about that issue succinctly. I have a friend who I have very different views too, but we both understand how and why we have those views and leave it at that. We discuss topics at length, but it is an exploration rather than a debate or argument. I would be looking to reach that sort of arrangement.

 

I was unwilling to be open with them about my feelings and thoughts.  My relationships suffered and ended because of this issue and they were not made better simply because we shared beliefs about politics.

 

If you have time, I'd be interested to hear about your experiences and conclusions on another thread.

[jossa]

Don't worry about the english too much, you are doing fine.  If we had to talk in any other language I'd be using google translate and it would be much worse

......

 

Thanks! you are making sense to me.. and you have confirmed my belief that the problem is within me.

 

 

 

Amen, brother. Open channels of communication is key. Shut them down and you rob yourself of happiness. Or rather your inner-abusers would rob you of happiness. So I guess I should say self-knowledge is foundational and then communication is key.

 

yes, i should know this by now, listening to allot of the shows.. but i some how doubted this and went with "she is the problem" ... lack of self knowledge maybe?

 

Why would you want to marry someone who you cant speak your mind to? 

Why would you want to marry someone who finds you disgusting? 

 

it is not here fault, she is open and inviting to speak to, but i have this blockage when it comes to speaking to a loved one, and i think it stems from childhood and school, i never felt i could speak my mind without fear of consequences.. i have had this with other girlfriends and my parents.

 

disgusting is not the right word.. when i said that all allot of the immigrants are up to no good, she would say "you can't judge all by some's action" and i would reply "in this case you can't get to know them all and then throw the bad ones out" and that is when i would feel it, she resented..

 

I am certainly no expert, and I'm sure marriages can survive a lifetime with worse niggles, but feeling you need to hide your views for a lifetime is not a positive situation. As roughly mentioned by others, I would specifically try and talk about that issue succinctly. I have a friend who I have very different views too, but we both understand how and why we have those views and leave it at that. We discuss topics at length, but it is an exploration rather than a debate or argument. I would be looking to reach that sort of arrangement.

 

 

If you have time, I'd be interested to hear about your experiences and conclusions on another thread.

 

it is not a problem for me to have this in this thread, i am interested also

 

 

yes i have that same thing with friends, we can ague and debate differing point of view and no problems there. this is something that happens to me when i should talk to here. 

 

could it be the fear of loosing my girlfriend if i speak my mind, is the same as from childhood when i could not assert myself from fear of imaginary abandonment?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks allot you guys! time is up in a day now, it is a time i set when stalling for time the last time we talked about it, and she has been way to patient with me already. (i don't think she cares about the time, she just wants to push me out of this inability to be me)

 

i think i am going forward with my new perspectives and try to talk to here about this soon.

but please if you think of something, just post it and i will read as soon as possible

 

you have been a grate help to me!

[dsayers]

i some how doubted this and went with "she is the problem" ... lack of self knowledge maybe?

I can't answer that. Only you can. However, I did want to comment on what appears to me you throwing out the possibility that there's a problem in her in favor of assuming there's a problem in you. Which again I cannot answer for you on either person. I did want to point out though that if your self-knowledge was lacking when started the relationship, then chances are there is A problem with her. Because the lower your self-knowledge, the lower the quality of person whom you will accept and be attracted to. Vice versa too; The lower your self-knowledge, the lower the quality of person who will accept and be attracted to you.

 

While I would never suggest it is an absolute rule, chances are that people in a romantic relationship who develop their self-knowledge will either need their partner to make some of that journey also or might have to find a more suitable partnership. Because of my time constraints, I haven't gotten too involved with your situation (sorry!). However, given my own experiences, I have to say: There's NOTHING like being partnered with somebody you can share your every thought with and process your every emotion with. If I had a partner I was afraid to speak to and especially afraid to challenge them, I could not be romantically involved with that person. It's a requisite because my self-knowledge and self-love are too high to accept less.

[Eh Steve]

Yeah I'd second dsayers here.  You certainly might have a problem in being open with people.  Buuuut that doesn't mean other people don't also have problems.  I didn't mean to imply this was all your problem but I did focus heavily on what I felt you could control.

 

Relationships work in a dynamic, and she has been with you for quite some time while you've had this problem.  So in some ways there is tacit approval going on.  A change in your behavior will effect her and will effect the relationship.  Changing your own behavior is really all you have control over, so I focused primarily on that, but she has been tolerating this for quite some time and likely has issues of her own (as we all do).

 

In relationships a single person is never the lone issue unless it is a hostage situation.  

 

But in your situation I would focus on opening up with her and practicing speaking your thoughts and feelings honestly.  That will clarify things and is the most obvious thing under your control.

[Pod]

Have you brought up the argument from morality with her?