Loading the Gun Dream (I know it's long but it pays off.)

[Pod]

I think I had a dream that might be very helpful to some people if it means what I think it means. 

 

I was lost in an airsoft arena (for anyone who doesn't know that's paintball but with plastic bbs) that was more of a plywood maze than a coherent arena.  I had one of my real steel guns with me (I'd been shooting the day before) but it had no ammo.  I wanted to find my way out, but I had no clue where I was.  I decided to follow this kid, a 10 year old boy in full gear who navigated like a pro, and as I followed him I'd get lit up by players who either didn't see my hands up or just wanted to shoot at me because I was defenseless.  Another thing, I only had shorts on, no protection so the bbs stung like hell. 

 

We were making our way very slowly, and I had taken a lot of shots and was getting irritated.  Finally I started searching around on the ground for airsoft magazines that would fit my gun and still had some bbs in them.  I found a small magazine with odd looking bbs.  They had the shape of practice rounds for police training courses, like little pills cut in half.  I loaded them and let the bolt chamber a round, but it discharged and accidentally shot the kid in front of me in the head.  The sound was deafening and everyone around us stopped.  The kid in front of me collapsed to the ground.  I threw my gun and picked him up.  I saw there was a hole in the back of his helmet.  I'd somehow loaded live ammo. 

 

I checked his cheeks to see if any blood was trickling.  There wasn't any flowing, but I knew he was dead.  I started to cry.  I could feel myself crying, but I could only hear ringing. And right in front of us was a huge hole in the wall, right around the corner, that lead to a park with a calm pond, sunny and beautiful. 

 

 

I think the dream represents my journey through FDR so far and how I've been backsliding into forms of verbal abuse online. 

• The arena represents the world.
• The airsoft bbs/guns represent dysfunction and abuse.
• The child who leads me is my true self/inner child. 

The arena/world is a place of uncertainty and fear where dysfunctional people can pop out of nowhere and attack you at any time.  Me having my gun means I have the capacity for abuse, but keeping it unloaded means I choose not to participate.  Wearing only shorts means I'm very vulnerable, which makes sense considering striving for virtue requires vulnerability. 

 

My child self is the kid in all the gear picking players off and slowly advancing towards the exit. 

 

But when I pick up bbs that I can fire back at these people, they aren't just bbs.  They turn into real bullets.  That's why I had a real gun.  I realized how deadly and corrosive this abuse can be, and that's why I kept it empty.  I still have the capacity to abuse, but I choose not to. 

 

And that explains why everyone else had bb guns.  The shots didn't hurt like bullets, they only stung like bbs because I'm becoming immune to abuse.  Everyone has real guns and real bullets.  The abuse is 100% deadly, but only if you shoot back. 

 

And that explains why I shot the kid.  By loading what I thought was just bbs, in truth I was loading 100% deadly live ammo, because abuse is perceived to the true self as just that.  Live fire.  And when I loaded my gun, I was choosing to abuse.  And the only person an abusive me hurts is my true self.  That's why I accidentally shot him in the back of the head.  The second I choose that path, my true self is dead. 

 

And freedom was just around the corner. 

 

Is anyone else struggling with resisting the urge to be snarky or "clever" in comment sections and discussions?  I can resist it to the point of seeing it for what it really is and losing the urge but sometimes things slip through. 

[Danske]

Hi Pod 

 

I have my theory about this dream but before I elaborate I'd really like to know what your feeling was right at the end of the dream and just after you woke up? Did you feel trapped in the arena? Like you threw away a chance to escape by killing the child? Did you feel despair / anger / relief upon awaking?

[Pod]

@Danske

 

I did feel trapped.  I had no clue how to get out which is why I followed the kid who looked like he knew what he was doing.  Before I woke up I felt despair because even though the exit was right there, I couldn't enjoy the freedom because I'd killed this kid and the guilt was all over the place.  After I woke up I was intensely relieved though. 

[Frederik]

Wow, I am seriously impressed by this dream. It entails a lot, I find, and is great that you have written it down.

 

I find your interpretation quite convincing. Though, I think you made a slight interesting error. You wrote that there was a hole in the wall which showed a beautiful tranquil world. But then you equated 'the arena' for the world.

 

The world is not an arena of you don't want it to be one. The world can be the beautiful tranquil place you glanced at in the end.

 

I personally don't find myself in an arena at all. I rarely engage in comment sections and if I do, I do it with awareness of the limits and dangers. I also don't shoot as a hobby, but did enjoy watching some airsoft videos. I play First Person Shooters, though I don't find that counts towards an 'arena feel' because it's so unreal and playful. I don't have bad people in my life and I don't interact with irrational people more than necessary.

 

I definitely think this dream is trying to show you where you stand in your journey, like you have said. According to the dream, there are many bad people in your life (fellow players shooting at you), there is much uncertainty and insecurity (picking up magazines), there is trauma to be resolved (the dead child), and the beautiful life is in sight but you're not there.

 

It's a binary choice. You can choose the arena, or the beautiful life.

[Danske]

Just a second question because I think I misread. Was the child shooting back or merely navigating a route out of the arena?

[Pod]

@Danske

 

I think he was shooting back, all I remember was him wielding his gun around.  I didn't see who he was shooting at though.  For all I know I really can't tell if he was pulling triggers. 

 

Also sorry that these responses take longer than normal.  Gotta have them approved.

[Drew.]

I think I had a dream that might be very helpful to some people if it means what I think it means. 

 

I was lost in an airsoft arena (for anyone who doesn't know that's paintball but with plastic bbs) that was more of a plywood maze than a coherent arena.  I had one of my real steel guns with me (I'd been shooting the day before) but it had no ammo.  I wanted to find my way out, but I had no clue where I was.  I decided to follow this kid, a 10 year old boy in full gear who navigated like a pro, and as I followed him I'd get lit up by players who either didn't see my hands up or just wanted to shoot at me because I was defenseless.  Another thing, I only had shorts on, no protection so the bbs stung like hell. 

 

We were making our way very slowly, and I had taken a lot of shots and was getting irritated.  Finally I started searching around on the ground for airsoft magazines that would fit my gun and still had some bbs in them.  I found a small magazine with odd looking bbs.  They had the shape of practice rounds for police training courses, like little pills cut in half.  I loaded them and let the bolt chamber a round, but it discharged and accidentally shot the kid in front of me in the head.  The sound was deafening and everyone around us stopped.  The kid in front of me collapsed to the ground.  I threw my gun and picked him up.  I saw there was a hole in the back of his helmet.  I'd somehow loaded live ammo. 

 

I checked his cheeks to see if any blood was trickling.  There wasn't any flowing, but I knew he was dead.  I started to cry.  I could feel myself crying, but I could only hear ringing. And right in front of us was a huge hole in the wall, right around the corner, that lead to a park with a calm pond, sunny and beautiful. 

 

 

I think the dream represents my journey through FDR so far and how I've been backsliding into forms of verbal abuse online. 

• The arena represents the world.
• The airsoft bbs/guns represent dysfunction and abuse.
• The child who leads me is my true self/inner child. 

The arena/world is a place of uncertainty and fear where dysfunctional people can pop out of nowhere and attack you at any time.  Me having my gun means I have the capacity for abuse, but keeping it unloaded means I choose not to participate.  Wearing only shorts means I'm very vulnerable, which makes sense considering striving for virtue requires vulnerability. 

 

My child self is the kid in all the gear picking players off and slowly advancing towards the exit. 

 

But when I pick up bbs that I can fire back at these people, they aren't just bbs.  They turn into real bullets.  That's why I had a real gun.  I realized how deadly and corrosive this abuse can be, and that's why I kept it empty.  I still have the capacity to abuse, but I choose not to. 

 

And that explains why everyone else had bb guns.  The shots didn't hurt like bullets, they only stung like bbs because I'm becoming immune to abuse.  Everyone has real guns and real bullets.  The abuse is 100% deadly, but only if you shoot back. 

 

And that explains why I shot the kid.  By loading what I thought was just bbs, in truth I was loading 100% deadly live ammo, because abuse is perceived to the true self as just that.  Live fire.  And when I loaded my gun, I was choosing to abuse.  And the only person an abusive me hurts is my true self.  That's why I accidentally shot him in the back of the head.  The second I choose that path, my true self is dead. 

 

And freedom was just around the corner. 

 

Is anyone else struggling with resisting the urge to be snarky or "clever" in comment sections and discussions?  I can resist it to the point of seeing it for what it really is and losing the urge but sometimes things slip through. 

 

Wow, what a powerful dream. I've recently resumed dream journaling and analysis. It is fascinating what the subconscious comes up with.

 

I know that couple of months ago, I was trolling the internet looking for arguments. I had a lot of anger that I hadn't connected with, so I sought out places on the net where people were abusive so that I could be justified in attacking back. It never felt right when I was doing it, though. My conscience was just asking, "Why are you doing this? Why are you wasting your time with these people? These people are horrible human beings. Whatever need I am attempting to meet through this activity isn't being sated. Why do I feel the need to attack something?"

 

There were some interesting elements to the dream that you had that I wanted to point out. I think that it is fascinating that this ten year old boy is far more competent than you at airsoft. To me, how the boy ends up dying rings very much as "live by the sword, die by the sword." It seems like your inner child is the victim of these fights and violence. Also, your adult self was able to easily brush off these attacks as minor annoyances. I think that's probably the healthier response to have, even though it certainly isn't the easiest to enact.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

You never fight back at the bullies, but you shoot your guide. That is what stands out most to me. For some reason, I don't think it is about your capacity for abuse towards others, but about being a victim of abuse yourself, and responding to the abuse by blaming yourself. In the dream there was no reason it should have been live ammo (it wouldn't be at an airsoft arena); and you shot your guide by pure accident. As a result of loading the ammo to defend yourself, your dream taught you to think this would lead to you hurting the most innocent person involved without any reason, which likely indicates it is someone else's prejudice which is telling you who will be harmed if you defend yourself.

 

That you have a real, steel gun in an airsoft arena means you possibly have the perception you have the ability to defend yourself only with murderous rage, but since there are standards in the arena (society) that prevent you from using this rage (and standards you have by keeping the gun unloaded), you are actually defenseless given the context. Does that make sense? Having a real gun, as unlikely as that is to get into an airsoft arena, and as unlikely as you are to find live rounds on the ground, seems more like a handicap than anything, as if it's weighing you down from running or defending yourself with any of the tactics allowed in the arena (society).

 

The bullies all stop and stare, but they had been doing the same thing to you on purpose that you accidentally did to the boy, and it was their fault in the first place that you even had to load a gun to defend yourself. I am not assuming it is a coincidence that you think to load the gun after the bullying becomes more and more annoying.

 

I'm not sure I understand how you have a capacity for abuse in this dream but are choosing not to participate. It seems to me if you're being bullied and you defend yourself, you are justified and that this is the best option. The dream begins in an arena which seems to imply there will be a fight or there currently is a fight in your life, and how you handle the fight (do you chose to defend yourself or attack yourself) will determine whether you achieve inner peace.

 

I think it is very illuminating that you interpreted this dream to be about your capacity for abuse towards others, when you in fact are the victim of tragedy from others in every way in this dream.

 

By the way, why would you ever be let into an airsoft arena with a real gun? That does not seem realistic. I am not sure I understand the immunity to abuse completely. If they were all live rounds, surely you would not have surived more than one shot.

 

The last thing I will say is that there is a sense of unpreparedness; and an agitation that you have from being unprepared and having no capacity to defend yourself in this situation. To unleash this agitation on the one who is helping you in the dream cannot be helpful. The agitation seems more likely to be because you were thrown into this situation and were unprepared and ill-equipped. That you could not express this in the dream would indicate there is some person who is responsible for your unpreparedness who you do not think you can hold accountable.

 

I also think that you perceive the ten year old boy in the dream as a pro and chose to take his lead signals a feeling of incompetence and lack of direction in yourself. To take the lead of a child in real life in a situation that has any stakes would seem only to be the result of a feeling of profound helplessness or ineptitude in managing the specific situation.

 

This is jut my opinion and I could be wrong and you could be right in your interpretation. I think yours made a good deal of sense but I hope this narrative can offer an alternative perspective that might be useful.