How should I let go of the anger I have toward my parents?

[Cam05050]

I just wanted Stefan's recent video with the African American speaker on how young men grow up hating the world and society for things that happened.

 

I am not African America, however I feel like this has been me for a long time and I don't really know how to solve it.

 

My Dad left when I was 3 (I only recently found on more about him, his status at the time, etc after a huge argument with my Mum) so I was consequently raised by my Mum and 2 Old Sisters. When I was younger, like many young people, I suffered from nocturnal enuresis (It may have a genetic link as I recently found out my Mum had it and has always had a sleep disorder) which at first resulted in numerous medical appointments. Every time in occurred she would erupt in a fit of rage and more often then not physically attack me. This continued until I got to high school (There were a few years I was completely dry I believe, I honestly can't remember as I have blocked it out). The issue was off and on throughout high school with entire weeks or fortnights of no problem. The typical aggression and blaming of my "laziness" or social problems at school were her ways of justifying it. With that said she couldn't hit me anymore as I had become to strong, so resorted to emotional attacks or would ignore the issue but still get angry after the fact.

 

To avoid typing my entire life story, the enuresis problems stopped the day I left home and went to University where I had 2 years of not waking up covered in my own urine. Then I got stressed out because I struggled to meet people, was pushing myself far to hard with rowing/cycling/running so was a drastically low weight and as a result it came back. I have since finished my degree (I am considering going back to become an educational psychologist or human factors psychologist to hopefully prevent this shit from happening to others). The problem is as bad as it ever was when I was younger (every single fuckin night, I am genuinely surprised I have ended up on anti depressants or dead) and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

 

I have seen a few urologists who found no problem, however I missed my uro-dynamics exam (They stick a camera up your penis, sounds delightful) so I can't really be sure it isn't physiological or at least some sort of muscle weakness that became an issue when I lost a lot of weight. I reckon that it is a combination of hatred for my parents (and to some extent Sisters who did nothing) as well as a sleep disorder or genetic predisposition of some kind. I have spoken with a few therapists briefly and after doing so on one occasion I didn't have enuresis for 2-3 days (could be placebo I guess). 

 

 

Even today my Mum pretends it never happened or simply won't discuss it. I don't know what to do as I am already 24 with this problem consuming my life. Laundry costs are insane so I often have to wash everything by hand, I have been through 2 mattresses this year as the protectors seem to lose their effectiveness at a random point (to do with the heat from the dryer I think) so they often get damaged. As a result I don't really take pride keeping my room clean (I live in an apartment type setup) and am overly aggressive towards people, sometimes for stupid shit. I left my previous job after I got complaints about smell (I started at like 4am so sometimes didn't have time to shower well enough) and while on a work trip had enuresis over night (I have desmopresin for these occasion, however sometimes it doesn't seem to work for whatever reason). I don't want sympathy, just outlining how it has impacted me, leaving the job was still a stupid mistake regardless and I would not have done it if allowed to relive the day over. Currently looking for work, however Nelson seems to have little work for someone not already skilled in a particular field so am considering moving somewhere else in NZ. 

 

 

Any ideas/advice would be much appreciated. 

[neeeel]

Have you tried limiting fluid intake for a few hours before sleep? 

 

It sounds like this is a psychological problem, not a physical problem, are you in, or planning to have, therapy?

[Drew.]

Your question of, how do you let go of your anger toward your parents... I don't think that you should. I think you have a lot of very good reasons to be angry at them. Your father abandoned you. Your mother beat you regularly. I had sleep problems as well, really bad onset insomnia where it would take hours for me to fall asleep. I would get into trouble for not waking up on time, my father was always petulant when he would set plans for us in the morning--for something he wanted to do, but I didn't care about--and my mother would wail like a banshee on some school days. Of course, I had troubles sleeping because I was so incredibly stressed and terrified. My parents very much used me as a dumping ground for their toxicity, and it was in their best interest to instill these failures in me, so that they could abuse and attack me with regularity and have a justification for it. I think this is what your parents did too. I could be entirely wrong here, but my instinct tells me that your enuresis is the result of fear and stress. You said that when you left home for university, it stopped for two years. I had a similar experience where I had no desire to smoke cigarettes anymore the moment I left home. I think that it might have come back because you either have a source of great stress in your life, or you don't have a source of great stress in your life, which has allowed these thoughts to come to the surface to be resolved because now you are in a safe place.

 

My personal experience has that my anger toward my parents has transformed, and this has been the experience of some of my clients as well. Anger is an emotion that helps us break from people who abuse us, but it can also be an emotion that ties us to them. Anger is fundamentally an emotion that drives us to fight for change, and if we attempt to change another person--the abusive people in our lives--then we will continually grow more and more angry, potentially work more and more, and we will fundamentally not make the change that is needed, to get rid of the abuse. By continuing to fight to try to change another person, we expose ourselves more and more to the abuse. After connecting with a great deal of anger, it transforms to pity. These people who abuse us are completely broken themselves. They will not be happy. They will not have good lives. They will fundamentally destroy themselves.

 

I agree with Neeeeeeeeeeeel. I think that this is psychosomatic in nature. A therapist is what you want, and a therapist is something that I can be for you if you're interested.

[KeepOnGoing]

I'm not an expert in this matter but I also think it has its roots in your mind and your previous experiences. This condition might run in families the same way like heart attacks runs in some other families. Some people keep the same behavioral patterns throughout generations just like some obese people have their own eating habits cultivated among their family members. I would definitely seek for a professional help. I don't have your condition but I struggle once in a while with health anxiety (my mother and my sister also suffered from it), this seemed to be one of few dysfunctions I'm left with. My therapist helped me a lot. It was a horrible experience but it was worth it. We have to digg in the past even when it hurts and especially when it hurts. It's like cleaning up a wound. It hurts, it's nasty but it has to be done otherwise you will end up without an arm or a leg or you might even die. It's better to have a scar than to be mutilated or dead. Anger? I've changed sadness and the feeling of unjustness to anger and it feels good. I still have to figure out if I want it to stay this way for a while or should I work on transitioning it to something else, something more freeing. I know it will change into something powerful but harmful to me.

[David Ottinger]

Maybe get tested for sleep apnea. 

[EclecticIdealist]

My younger was born with a congenitally small urinary tract which caused him problems with elimination. Doctors performed an operation to allow him to pass urine more easily, but this resulted in him frequently wetting the bed as he lacked the muscular development to hold off while unconscious. Eventually, he grew out of it. I do not believe the cause of his nocturnal enuresis is the most typical cause, however.

 

Two things seem to be the most common causes, and both working in conjunction may be at play. First, your body may not be producing enough of a particular regulatory hormone while you sleep which basically tell the kidneys to stop producing so much waste water. The hormone is ADH or anti-diuretic hormone. If your body does not produce enough of this hormone, your kidneys will keep on filling your bladder while you sleep to the point that you may start "leaking". The other issue is that your may be a very deep sleeper. If this is the case, you may simply be staying asleep or "too asleep" to realize what is happening and take the normal actions to relieve yourself in a more convenient place. These two may be working together preventing you from waking when you need to relive yourself.

 

You can of course make sure you relieve yourself before going to bed and possibly consider upping your sodium intake a little and avoiding consuming liquids a few hours before going to bed in order to be more likely to retain the water your body does have until you are awake, but this would be more of a work-around than a fix if you're not producing enough ADH. Nevertheless, you are correct to consider the possibility that with the drop in mass that you may have lost some muscle tone. If that is the case, then you'll probably find great benefit in practicing your Kegels. Lastly, though it is less likely if you are average or below average BMI, you may want to get your prostate checked as the problem you are experiencing may be BPH or "benign prostate hypertrophy" which could be affecting your muscles' normal ability to effectively control the flow of urine. I suspect that the issue is most likely an ADH deficiency, but it could be an issue of muscle tone.  It may be a combination of multiple factors and thus more difficult for your physicians to diagnose. Getting your blood hormone level for ADH production at night may be a good next step to take.

[myclippedwings]

Your question of, how do you let go of your anger toward your parents... I don't think that you should. I think you have a lot of very good reasons to be angry at them. Your father abandoned you. Your mother beat you regularly. I had sleep problems as well, really bad onset insomnia where it would take hours for me to fall asleep. I would get into trouble for not waking up on time, my father was always petulant when he would set plans for us in the morning--for something he wanted to do, but I didn't care about--and my mother would wail like a banshee on some school days. Of course, I had troubles sleeping because I was so incredibly stressed and terrified. My parents very much used me as a dumping ground for their toxicity, and it was in their best interest to instill these failures in me, so that they could abuse and attack me with regularity and have a justification for it. I think this is what your parents did too. I could be entirely wrong here, but my instinct tells me that your enuresis is the result of fear and stress. You said that when you left home for university, it stopped for two years. I had a similar experience where I had no desire to smoke cigarettes anymore the moment I left home. I think that it might have come back because you either have a source of great stress in your life, or you don't have a source of great stress in your life, which has allowed these thoughts to come to the surface to be resolved because now you are in a safe place.

 

My personal experience has that my anger toward my parents has transformed, and this has been the experience of some of my clients as well. Anger is an emotion that helps us break from people who abuse us, but it can also be an emotion that ties us to them. Anger is fundamentally an emotion that drives us to fight for change, and if we attempt to change another person--the abusive people in our lives--then we will continually grow more and more angry, potentially work more and more, and we will fundamentally not make the change that is needed, to get rid of the abuse. By continuing to fight to try to change another person, we expose ourselves more and more to the abuse. After connecting with a great deal of anger, it transforms to pity. These people who abuse us are completely broken themselves. They will not be happy. They will not have good lives. They will fundamentally destroy themselves.

 

I agree with Neeeeeeeeeeeel. I think that this is psychosomatic in nature. A therapist is what you want, and a therapist is something that I can be for you if you're interested.

 

Drew couldn't have said it any better, your anger is there for a reason, try to feel it consciously and understand it.

[ValueOfBrevity]

Do you masturbate a lot? 

Excessive masturbation can inflame the prostate and cause intermittent urinary issues.

[dsayers]

I agree with Drew that you should not "let go" of the anger you're experiencing. It's righteous. We experience anger as a motivator. So this anger should not leave you until you've done all that you can to process all of the things that you were victim to that leads to you feeling angry in the first place. Call things by their proper names, identify who is responsible, acknowledge the ways these things have altered your behaviors and thoughts, and then try to reshape those thoughts and behaviors towards what you would want for yourself. It's not something you'll ever fully exhaust. However, there will come a point where you are so free of those shackles that the anger will leave organically until such a time that you revisit such things and feel a more temporal reaction to it.

 

Being angry at the vile evils of the world can only serve to inoculate us against them and smother those who would engage in such behavior. This is for the betterment of us all, so by all means, let the anger run through you. Let it motivate you to break free from your captors and all the seeds they planted in you to keep you enslaving yourself for their benefit.