Self-Knowledge Book Recommendation Thread

[Drew.]

Hey everyone,

 

I think that it would be wise and valuable if we were to share what books have aided us in our pursuit of self-knowledge. I think that it would be nice to have a summary of the book and the relevant parts, and share what you have gained from reading the book.

Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Shame is such a powerful emotion. It is especially powerful when we do not realize that we are experiencing shame. Bradshaw talks about the difference between healthy shame--accepting one's natural limits--and toxic shame--believing that we are fundamentally unworthy of love, me-plus. He takes the theoretical model of a shame cycle--we feel bad, we cope, and then we feel bad because we have coped, so then we cope more to relieve our negative feelings--and applies to real people. The antidote to toxic shame is love, and so much of trauma and dysfunction is the result of not receiving the love that we needed when we needed it.

 

Reading this book and understanding shame has helped me clear up a lot of self-attack and generalized negative self-beliefs. I have been able to recognize that when I cope, it is because I am seeking comfort and love, and that to attack myself is just to further the pattern that was my childhood, a traumatizing and dysfunctional pattern.  I really recommend reading this book, because in my experience toxic shame has been such a challenging emotion to identify, and the moment that I have been able to identify it for what it is is the moment that I have been able to start making progress and healing.

[Drew.]

Self-Therapy by Jay Earley

 

The was the introductory book for me in learning and experiencing the Internal Family Systems Model. There is another book, Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz, who is the founder, but this one is far more accessible.

 

Reading through it, I began to understand more about the therapeutic process and was better able to do the work on my own. When I worked with a therapist, because I had read this book and was familiar with IFS, it made our sessions go much more smoothly. Two major lessons that I learned from it regards the nature of the relationship that we should have with ourselves, our defenses, and our pains if we wish to be healthy. Additionally, the IFS process incorporates a method known as reparenting, which has been the crux of my own self-therapy process, and has been a major source of healing and growth with my clients.

[algernon]

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D

 

I found this book profound. It covers pretty much everything - the origin of trauma, the history of treatments, how the DSM is basically corrupt and the drugs are largely ineffective and used incorrectly. Different types of therapy such as EMDR, IFS, yoga, body massages, talk therapy used with common SSRIs, talk therapy used with LSD, neural feedback training and therapy.

 

It goes deeply into how the brain is physically effected by trauma through the use of brain scans, and how certain parts (logical, thinking part) of the brain literally turn off during a traumatic event, or how when someone hasn't dealt with the trauma their brain enters the same state it was when originally experiencing it the first time. This explains why people who have panic or anxiety attacks in benign situations can't logically prevent it. Their mind is stuck in the past and something triggers them to feel how they originally felt when experiencing the trauma.

 

It delves into the physical manifestations of unresolved trauma, and how people with traumatic histories are unproportionally effected by things such as autoimmune disorders, when compared to the non-traumatized population.

 

I found it particularly interesting because it covered a lot of things I've researched in the past, specifically with HRV (Heart Rate Variability) training, how it works and how it effects your brain. When you look into HRV training and people talk about being in a "coherence" state, it sounds a little bit like voodoo until you actually understand how it effects the brain from a physical perspective and then it all makes sense.

 

It covers so many things Stef has talked about it makes me wonder if he's read it. Brain scans, ACE scores, reactive attachment disorders in children. The list goes on.

 

At 464 pages, or 17 hours worth in audio form there is a lot there. I would recommend anyone interested in psychology or therapy to check it out. At some point I intend on reading the book, as generally when reading something I'm able to retain it better, but listening to the entire 17 hours while working outside gave me a really good first impression. 

[EclecticIdealist]

No More Mr Nice Guy! by Dr. Robert A Glover - is a book that helped me recognize many of the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors I learned about dating and relationships.

 

Why You're Dumb, Sick and Broke... and How to get Smart, Healthy, and Rich by Randy Gage - wasn't so much a revelation as a confirmation of what I have learned over the years with respect to causes of dysfunctional behavior and what and how to change.

[myclippedwings]

Hey everyone,

 

I think that it would be wise and valuable if we were to share what books have aided us in our pursuit of self-knowledge. I think that it would be nice to have a summary of the book and the relevant parts, and share what you have gained from reading the book.

Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Shame is such a powerful emotion. It is especially powerful when we do not realize that we are experiencing shame. Bradshaw talks about the difference between healthy shame--accepting one's natural limits--and toxic shame--believing that we are fundamentally unworthy of love, me-plus. He takes the theoretical model of a shame cycle--we feel bad, we cope, and then we feel bad because we have coped, so then we cope more to relieve our negative feelings--and applies to real people. The antidote to toxic shame is love, and so much of trauma and dysfunction is the result of not receiving the love that we needed when we needed it.

 

Reading this book and understanding shame has helped me clear up a lot of self-attack and generalized negative self-beliefs. I have been able to recognize that when I cope, it is because I am seeking comfort and love, and that to attack myself is just to further the pattern that was my childhood, a traumatizing and dysfunctional pattern.  I really recommend reading this book, because in my experience toxic shame has been such a challenging emotion to identify, and the moment that I have been able to identify it for what it is is the moment that I have been able to start making progress and healing.

Alice Miller:

-The Body Never Lies

-The Drama of The Gifted Child

-Free From Lies: Discovering Your True Needs

-The Truth Will Set You Free

 

Nathaniel Branden:

-The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

-The Psychology of Self Esteem

 

What both Alice Miller and Nathaniel Branden have in common is that they both recognise that the child abuse causes emotional repression and dysfunction which is caused very early on in life when parents teach children implicitly or explicitly that their own emotions are not only a threat to themselves but to their parents.

 

A person can spend their whole life fearing the emotions behind their addiction, depression and dysfunction and not realise that the key to health is asking themselves what these emotions are trying to tell them about their life or their parents.

 

I find it very sad that a life can be spent "sleepwalking" through life due to emotional repression, rather than consciously and actively living it.

 

That said, the two books that helped me the most were The Drama of the Gifted Child and The Body Never Lies, here's why.

 

The Body Never Lies:

 

Summary

"An examination of childhood trauma and its surreptitious, debilitating effects by one of the world's leading psychoanalysts.

 

Never before has world-renowned psychoanalyst Alice Miller examined so persuasively the long-range consequences of childhood abuse on the body. Using the experiences of her patients along with the biographical stories of literary giants such as Virginia Woolf, Franz Kafka, and Marcel Proust, Miller shows how a child's humiliation, impotence, and bottled rage will manifest itself as adult illness—be it cancer, stroke, or other debilitating diseases. Never one to shy away from controversy, Miller urges society as a whole to jettison its belief in the Fourth Commandment and not to extend forgiveness to parents whose tyrannical childrearing methods have resulted in unhappy, and often ruined, adult lives. In this empowering work, writes Rutgers professor Philip Greven, "readers will learn how to confront the overt and covert traumas of their own childhoods with the enlightened guidance of Alice Miller."

 

How it helped me

 

 

-This book taught me that the symptoms I suffer from, such as depression or addiction are an attempt by my own body to make me pay attention to very important emotions I have been ignoring out of fear of what truth I might discover about myself or my life. More importantly, the pent up rage towards my parents that I had previously never consciously experienced.

 

I have found this to be true as every time I revert to ignoring my emotions, I get compulsive behaviours such as nail biting, compulsive chewing, suppressing hunger or addictive behaviours such as playing video games excessively, wasting huge chunks of time on trivial things etc.

 

These symptoms have been like a plague in my life but whenever I question myself, slow down a bit and just pay attention to what I feel, the negative emotions that I have been escaping for so long return and I feel in pain, but my compulsive, addictive behaviours (my symptoms) go away. I feel grounded in myself and I start to understand why I have these behaviours and I feel more conscious and sentient and not depressed and numb anymore.

 

Not only that but I always notice that when I ignore my emotions to an extreme degree, I start to get the flu every single time. You can only really test this for yourself, but it has turned out to true in my case. 

 

Overall this book taught me to take my feelings seriously and to listen to my body after a life time of trivialising them and taking them for granted. And more importantly, to consciously feel my rage, rather than to let it be expressed in illness or dysfunctional behaviour towards myself or others.

 

The Drama of The Gifted Child:

 

Summary

"Why are many of the most successful people plagued by feelings of emptiness and alienation? This wise and profound book has provided thousands of readers with an answer—and has helped them to apply it to their own lives.Far too many of us had to learn as children to hide our own feelings, needs, and memories skillfully in order to meet our parents’ expectations and win their ”love.” Alice Miller writes, ”When I used the word ’gifted’ in the title, I had in mind neither children who receive high grades in school nor children talented in a special way. I simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb… Without this ’gift’ offered us by nature, we would not have survived.” But merely surviving is not enough. The Drama of the Gifted Child helps us to reclaim our life by discovering our own crucial needs and our own truth."

 

How it helped me

 

-This book finally explained why my sense of self depended on other people's admiration of me so much. It explained that my parents raised me to seek their admiration which I confused with love and as a result, I developed a sense of self wholly dependant on other's admiration of me, a "false self".

 

And it also explained why I've always ignored myself and my own needs in favour of my parent's or other people's needs. Now I recognise that my striving for "success" was more to do with me "earning" my parent's admiration and "love", rather than out of my own self interest.

 

And most importantly, this book has taught me to develop a sense of self based on authenticity and integrity with myself. To choose my well being and happiness over sacrificing it to meet my parent's or others expectations or needs. To live a life I have chosen for myself, rather than a life chosen for me by others...