Rejecting your family of origin.

[KeepOnGoing]

Not sure if I should try to reanimate some similar old topic or to start new one. I didn't find any similar or I just didn't digg deep enough so I hope it's ok to post this one. I'm new here. I've been listening to Stefan for a while and I just can't get enough. The podcasts about politics etc. are great but the Call In Shows have a special place in my heart and I find them very powerful and helpful. I always thought that the "West" is more civilized when it comes to parenting, I guess I was wrong. I was born in Poland and actually I won a life lottery - born into a poor family with alcoholic father and religious sadistic mother. Great combination but as a child there is not much you can do about it except surviving somehow. I was surrounded by dysfunction and degeneracy and I always knew that it wasn't normal. As a child I promised myself that I will get out from there and I will be in control of my life. I promised myself and my future kids that I will never hurt them. I knew that the horror can't last forever and I will get my revenge. I totally forgot about the revenge for many years and just recently I started to remember it. For many years even though I got out from that hell I've tried to please my mother unconsciously hoping for her aproval and love. Of course it didn't work out because I could never meet her standards even though I actually turned out pretty fine. I think all of my relatives continue the circle of abuse and degeneracy. I was always a very good student, I got some good education and work hard. If it comes to my childhood I guess I was lucky enough to not have to go through sexual abuse or starvation but since I remember I was physically and mentally abused by my mother and my older sister. My father didn't care, was busy drinking and fighting with my mother. He died 12 years ago. He made the decision to check out earlier, not willing to help me, not willing to help himself. It's been few years since I left my country and like I said I tried to have functional relationship with my mother and my sister. It was not possible. It was like talking with people from a different planet. Year ago I got tired of the manipulation from my sister side and I just told her that for my own good I cannot have her in my life. It was actually very easy to me. It was done but my mother was still in the picture. I continued to talk to her once in a while and I still had this feeling inside of me. My body was telling me to get rid of it. I felt nauseous every time I had to speak to her. It wasn't often but too often for me that's for sure. One day I got attacked again by my mother (via message) and that was just too much for me. Somehow I decided that I don't care about her feelings anymore and I'm not going to protect her from the truth. I wrote to her all those things that came to my mind. Of course her response was how horrible person I am for saying all those things to her and that she didn't know any better, it was difficult for her having an alcoholic husband etc. She recommended for me going to church and talking to God because God helped her to have a peace with the past and my favorite line "God forgives the greatest sinisters". After that I knew I was done. Of course she mentioned also that she loves me very much even though I hated her all my life (which I never said to her, but maybe she was right) and I will always be her beloved daughter. She texted me on two more occasions how much she loves me but I didn't even bother to reply. After the second text I blocked her. It's been few months now. I've been having therapy sessions since then. Btw. I've done some on and off therapy before but I never had a good therapist. So every time I stopped the therapy saying to myself that I will fix it on my own and I've done a lot of research and read tons of literature on this subject but I guess good therapist is very important. My current therapist is not perfect but she helped me a lot and she doesn't force me or guilt me to forgive my mother which is very important to me at this time. Everything it's still very fresh but I have to admit that facing my worst nightmare-my mother was the most scary and the most freeing thing I have ever experienced. Just when I started to write this post I realized that what I did was actually in defense of my future child. Around that period I started to think about having my first child and I might be wrong but I think unconsciously I wanted to clear up the environment from potential predators and puff the big bad wolf is gone. Just wondering if any of you had this experience? With deciding to cut off from your family? Why did you do it? What did you feel and think shortly after? What are your thoughts on this matter now? Did you go back and restore the relationship on your turns or you never looked back?

[thebeardslastcall]

Thanks for sharing. I may write more later, but wanted to share a bit on my relationship with my mother, as I stopped responding to her emails over a year ago. You titled the post as rejecting your family of origin, but I think for me part of stopping talking to my mother had to do with a recognition that she had been rejecting me. Thus the end of communication back wasn't just me rejecting her, but realizing she was and had been rejecting me. She always insists she loves me, but she's never been willing to acknowledge her past abuses and her responsibility in abusing and breaking apart my family. They insist family is important and they love you, but they're the ones who are responsible for driving you away by a distinct absence of love as displayed by their destructive and abusive behaviors towards you. I felt my mother was too deluded and was simply incapable of hearing me and that my relationship with her was not a positive thing and I didn't want to keep up a false relationship where we couldn't be honest with each other. She would say she valued honesty, but then would contradict herself with her lack of openness and honesty about anything we could potentially discuss. I realized this was not a healthy relationship for me or her and didn't wish to keep enabling the delusions.

 

I wonder what it would take for me to want to talk to her again or respond to a message from her and was thinking some indication she has changed and is willing to have a real relationship and has taken steps to confront her past and acknowledge what she did in an honest fashion and not in a false apology manner, as she gave in previous messages with the standard "I did my best". I saw having her in my life as a contradiction of values and if I were to have kids and we were to continue on as we were, I would see her as a threat to having a family of my own raised honestly and peacefully and with integrity. I don't enjoy being cut off from my family, but while I may have been the one who moved away, the relationship was broken long before I took steps to "reject" them.

 

Take care,

[KeepOnGoing]

what about your father? Btw. Did you share you childhood story somewhere here? If you have a link I would like to read it. I think it always seemed kind of natural for me to not being in contact with my mother since I stop being dependent on her and that is why I always felt some kind of disgust toward her. I could never accept her hypocrisy and fakeness. She was very religious when I was a child and when she got older she was going all the way into craziness. Going to some masses where the Holy Spirit talks through people, she caimed even to see face of Jesus in the picture of a moon. I know she will never change, she is delusional and she can't admit how much she have hurt me. She just doesn't get it. I don't think she is even capable of some kind of empathy. I always wondered why I was so different from my family of origin. How it was even possible. I always thought they made a mistake in hospital and I suppose to belong to a totally different family. I couldn't believe it was my family. I wondered why she was so evil to me, why she treated me so differently from my sister but I don't know if it even matters. I didn't deserve this horror just like any other kid doesn't deserve the abuse. I'm kind of happy that I cut her off now. It would be much more difficult to do it when she will be older. But in the same time she didn't have mercy on me when I was a child why should I have any just because she is getting old and she might die. You reap what you sow.

[thebeardslastcall]

Did you share you childhood story somewhere here? If you have a link I would like to read it.

 

I haven't, no link to provide.

 

 

I wondered why she was so evil to me, why she treated me so differently from my sister but I don't know if it even matters. I didn't deserve this horror just like any other kid doesn't deserve the abuse. 

 

To the youngest goes the blame from the mother who offloads her failures onto the child she deems responsible for tipping the family into unhappiness. Her own unhappiness and the hate, abuse, and unhappiness of the father that divides her relationship with the father and that breaks apart the family. "You were a mistake, I wish you were never born", if not said with words, a mentality shown through actions and poor treatment. No child deserves that.

[dsayers]

Pardon my late arrival. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy being able to see through bullshit, but hate partaking of how wretched some toxic people can be. Difficult due to an alcoholic husband? As if one day her foot just sprung this alcoholic husband that she would die were it to be surgically removed? No, she chose him! And continued to stay in that situation. That's not pass-worthy at all.

 

Regarding your question of going back to fix things: By time I learned to think rationally and started processing it all, my mother had already died. I had left her years prior, knowing that her living without me in her life was the most effective "revenge" I could exact. As for my father, I did make an effort. I believe in giving a person a chance to reveal if they truly care about you or are sadistic. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship with me, only my labor. And that it's different with friends because you can leave friends. In other words, he made it clear that forward progress wasn't possible. It sucks, but I got the answer I was looking for and washed my hands of any effort to try and connect with him/get restitution.