Self-Erasure

[kavih]

Hello.

 

Does anyone have any books or good resources on self-erasure, it's origin, analysis of it, and ways to overcome it's controlling nature? With more self-knowledge and looking back on past romantic relationships, especially the relationship I have with my mother, it's becoming very likely that this is what I end up doing. I also think I attract people that feed off of my self-erasing actions/words and I want to be able to recognize when I'm doing it, so that I can get rid of these people from my life as they show up. This will also help me recognize these kinds of toxic people, so that I can avoid them to begin with (seeing their red flags) prior to investing in any kind of deeper relationship with them.

 

Thank you very much. This seems like a pivotal place of growth for myself right now.

[EclecticIdealist]

Does anyone have any books or good resources on self-erasure, it's origin, analysis of it, and ways to overcome it's controlling nature? 

Theodore Isaac Rubin is the psychiatrist credited with coining the term; however, self-erasure is simply one of many strategies employed by people in codependent relationships. Learning more about the difference between (unhealthy) codependent relationships in which one or both persons in the relationship have an unhealthy attachment to or dependency upon the other. Typically, this arises from the lack of a healthy emotional and psychological detachment from one's parents as one becomes an adult, usually the result of unresolved childhood trauma between parent and child.

 

Part of the theory is that without resolving these issues in one way or another, one one may be prone to recreating the only type of relationship they know they can get the emotional and psychological validation they need, despite such a relationship being inherently dysfunctional. With work, one or both partners may be able to take the necessary steps to resolve such traumas, what some refer to as "healing, releasing or giving voice to the inner child" allowing the person to detach from the trauma and subsequently mature into a healthy, independent adult capable of a mutually beneficial and healthy "interdependent" relationship with others.

 

Some books that have helped me along my journey include:

 

"The Work" by Byron Katie

 

and when it comes to a relationship with a potential intimate sexual partner

 

"No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert A Glover

 

 

Just my two cents.  Others will undoubtedly have different opinions and experiences. Take each, including my suggestions as possible ways, not "the only way" or even "the best way" (unless it happens to be for you).

[myclippedwings]

Hello.

 

Does anyone have any books or good resources on self-erasure, it's origin, analysis of it, and ways to overcome it's controlling nature? With more self-knowledge and looking back on past romantic relationships, especially the relationship I have with my mother, it's becoming very likely that this is what I end up doing. I also think I attract people that feed off of my self-erasing actions/words and I want to be able to recognize when I'm doing it, so that I can get rid of these people from my life as they show up. This will also help me recognize these kinds of toxic people, so that I can avoid them to begin with (seeing their red flags) prior to investing in any kind of deeper relationship with them.

 

Thank you very much. This seems like a pivotal place of growth for myself right now.

 

Alice Miller's work can be said to be basically be about child abuse and how it causes an adult to practically live in constant self erasure as a result.

 

The Drama of The Gifted Child is about how children self erase in order to gain their parents admiration which they confuse with real love.

 

And for example The Body Never Lies is about how the body produces symptoms such as illnesses to resist this self erasure.

 

I would highly recommend checking her work out. Abusive parents teach us to give up our own needs in order to meet theirs, the path to emotional health lies in stopping self erasure and getting back to our own needs and emotions.

 

Nathaniel Branden is good too, it's just that his focus is on self esteem rather than child abuse, which I feel is the major underlying root cause. But I would recommend both of these guys as their work is basically about "honoring" the self and stopping the vicious cycle of self erasure.

 

Here's Alice Miller's website with links to books:

http://www.alice-miller.com/en/

 

And here's Nathaniel Branden's website:

http://www.nathanielbranden.com/

[kavih]

Some books that have helped me along my journey include:

 

"The Work" by Byron Katie

 

and when it comes to a relationship with a potential intimate sexual partner

 

"No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert A Glover

Thank you for the recommendations.

 

The Drama of The Gifted Child is about how children self erase in order to gain their parents admiration which they confuse with real love.

Thank you. I actually already own this one. This is the 2nd time it's been recommended to me. Time to pick it up off my stack of ones to read.

[myclippedwings]

Thank you for the recommendations.

 

Thank you. I actually already own this one. This is the 2nd time it's been recommended to me. Time to pick it up off my stack of ones to read.

Hi, I also just want to say that although the Drama of the Gifted Child is a good book in itself, her later books go into vastly more depth about child abuse and emotional repression. So I would highly recommend checking them out.

 

You can find For Your Own Good for free here:

http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm

 

This book focuses more on corporal punishment and its effects though and a bit less on self erasure.

 

So if you want to keep on the topic of self erasure I would check out The Body Never Lies instead

[kathryn]

Hi, Kavih! This is a short one, but I found this article by Joel Patterson to be really helpful on the subject of self-erasure.