My father has emotional issues and I need advice.

[Alamut]

OK, before I being, I'll try to TL;DR on my parents situation a bit. I think I wrote about it before but I won't bother you with posting links to my tedious posts here in the past. So, essentially, my parents were in a kinda shaky relationship as long as I can remember them. Their situation deteriorated when I started my high school. I had an apartment in the city and went back home on some weekends, and it was constant drama, bickering was the best I could hope for, 4 hour scream/cry sessions with all of us or just them involved were common. Throwing fits, basically.

 

They planned on getting divorced, they flaked out, each of them moved to their separate part of the house (2 floors) and they continued on. To insert this detail, it may be important or not, don't know, my father keeps repeating that he left the bigger part of the house to mom, and he went living in a much smaller "apartment" part, with one small room out of chivalry. But...he always, always points that out. As if he wants points for that. I don't get it. Anywhay, when he moved in there, that part was new, everything there was freshly built, I think they planned on making that part of the house for guests or me or something. As my father moved in, it got messy. He's just like that. 

 

Another sidenote, my father helped my mom in her tourism business. Yeah, I know this sounds completely bizzare, it probably is. They were on bad terms, they barely spoke when both in house (except when guests came over) but my father still went there to help out. 

 

OK. So, blah blah I'm skipping on probably essential details but whatever. Fast forward to today. He got back from his holiday (he officially retired recently), 10 days of a solo road trip. I hopped over there today to see what's up with my folks, ya know. Mom wasn't home, so I went knocking on my fathers part of the house, haha. No answer. It's 2 PM. Calling him on the phone, nothing. Knocking harder on the doors, I hear him opening the room doors. Opening the main doors. Grumpy as usual, "do you need something, why are you here?". I brushed it off, since I know he loves to provoke situations. So I asked him what's up and how was the trip, he stars complaining, something in line of "do you expect me to talk to you while you have your hands in your pocket" so I sit down, just because I don't want to engage in his baits. I know him. So he starts complaining again..."isn't it a bit weird you didn't call me on the day I got here...I don't feel good".

 

I asked him why doesn't he call me if he feels bad? His voice stars trembling. At this point I know where this is going, it's not the first time, but I try to keep it level, asking him what's the problem with me coming over now? And then he starts asking me to "please, leave, you're making it worse", tears, holding his head, I'm trying to be calm and just stay silent, he mumbles something in terms of "you don't know how bad I feel, I'm thinking about killing myself" (I heard that probably 5-6 times in last 10-15 years, in similar situations), and then I wait for him to calm down...and then...eventually...he starts talking about his trip.

 

Then he states how devastated he was when he got back home and finding out mom didn't ask him anything about the trip. I asked him - why do you care what other people think about your trip? You went there for yourself.

 

Then he stars with "how dare you, I even thought about asking mom to come with me"...at that moment, I point out, calmly, why would you take mom with you, you can barely sustain 2 minutes of conversation when you bump in front of the house.But I want to share my impressions with someone, this wasn't some stupid cruise trip! So I ask him - what's wrong with people taking cruises? Then he goes on some long tangent about how people who go on cruises are plebs and do it for showing off etc etc etc - I'll stop, I'm not going into transcript.

 

What I'm trying to ask is - how do I deal with this? He loves the blame game, he needs attention, he won't reach out first, probably a pride thing, he waits for me (and anyone else) to show interest, and once you show interest, he can talk for 3 hours nonstop (fact). I believe both he and my mom are narcissist. And they're in this bizzare situation, living in the same house, not divorced legally, but completely distant, and it won't change.

 

What's my duty here, as a son? It is reasonable to try to insert some "nuggets" of truth and hope he'll find a better way or is this just my duty to listen to him, given that he burned a lot of bridges with a lot of people with his attitude during his life.

 

Thanks for reading

[aviet]

OK, before I being, I'll try to TL;DR

What country are you from? You say you had an appartment in high school. Sounds like Eastern Europe to me.

 

First of all, this is just what comes to mind from your few paragraphs. It could be completely off.

 

The first theme I get is that your parents want to punish themselves and I would guess your mother is the primary source of this situation from what you have written. When people are in a negative mental space, a common response is self-harm. Obvious forms are cutting and chronic drug use, but it goes much further and more subtle and nuanced than this. No one typically forces someone to stay in an abusive adult relationship, no one forces you to spend days in bed if your are depressed and no one forces you to live for years barely speaking in a house. They are there because they want to be in these negative spaces.

 

You go on to say that your father loves the blame game, he needs attention. Both negative. I believe these are probably cravings, just like a drug addict craves heroine induced nightmares as their last veins are collapsing.

 

From the sounds of it here and your other posts, it seems you have grown up in a nest of negativity. For yourself, you need to work to introduce some positivity into your life, which I know will not be easy. It's not your responsibility to fix your father. You'll do well if you can fix yourself. You could try telling him that if he doesn't want to rest of his life to be as miserable as it has been so far, go to therapy.

 

Another observation is that your parents seemingly hate each other. Why? The way I see things there is no reason for a marriage to disintegrate if its between two people who negotiate. From what you have said I would guess your mother has used mind games to dominate your father and he resents this, but refuses to communicate that to your mother and caused a mountain of pent up resentment which will be expressed in passive aggressive behaviour and maybe the occasional meltdown or outburst.

[Alamut]

Thanks aviet for jumping in - yes eastern euope. Are we that predictible/obvious? Haha. OK, so let me answer/address all your points one by one.

 

On my parents wanting to punish themselves - you could be right. In fact, the fact that I'm throwing "could" in the sentence might just be my denial, they're still my parents so I want them too look as "plain and normal" as possible, hence those cushion words As for mother being prime source, I don't know, my opinion is - two people mess up - the story is two-fold.

 

Both of them have some guilt in this and I think the most correct way to say is - 50/50. Because even if my mom (for example, hypothetically) went out of her ways to make my father unhappy, and he's a saint - he still is wrong for participating in this. Hence, 50/50 is how I split their blame. And you're right, they don't have to stay but they choose to do so. My mother's mother lives alone in a fairly big house, the entire upper floor is vacant, and it's very spacious, but nobody uses it. If my mom really couldn't stand my father, she could've moved there long time ago - she has a very good bond with her family, her mom and brothers/sisters. 

 

On the other hand, my father, not so much. He was falling in and out of relationship with his brothers as long as I remember and I never got to meet his side of family that well. To use the cliche christmas lunch / dinner / easter / whatever holiday example; we went to my mothers parents "1000 times" (figuratively) and to my fathers parents or sibilings, 10. That kind of ratio. 

 

Oh one more thing, the house that my parents live is semi-detached, so on another "wing" of the house is my fathers brother and his family. And my mom doesn't speak with them at all. Oh my now that I write it out like this it really sounds bad. Anyway, what I was saying, back 10, or 15 years ago she could've moved to her moms house, I wouldn't mind or hold it against her (as if I am the one to ask about those things anyway). But for whatever reason, I don't know which one - she is still at the same address, down the floor from my dad.

 

My father does crave for companionship. Drug addiction analogy might be harsh? I think he just can't help to get in verbal conflicts with people, he likes to impose his opinion, and he really doesn't know when people don't want to listen to it anymore, so they move away from him, and that's kinda how he interacts. He had a career where he met really a lot, and I mean a lot of people. But I think he pushed those people away. Yet he still wants to talk with someone. I don't know. Maybe he just enjoys lecturing people, that feeling of "being smarter" or something. He is a liberal, and whenever I come around, he shows me some atheist mocking religion/late night talk show smug host ridiculing right wingers etc. 

 

I did grow up in negative environment, no point of me denying it out of pity or whatever. I'm actively trying to be present with my words and think of what and how I'm interacting with people. Although I do get agitated, maybe that's some trait I picked up from them. For example, I can't stand liberal/progressive talking points anymore. It actually puts me in a frustrated state of mind. When I see my school friends share some buzzfeed cancer on their page, I get the urge to give my monitor an uppercut. 

 

I don't know if my parents hate each other. Only they know the honest answer to that. Mind games were played yes, but I think both of them had their fair share of manipulating with emotions, screams and shouts and tears. To a point where they both stopped doing it, probably because it lost its value. I can clearly recollect how their quarrels lost "steam" as the years go by. Back in early 2000's they were...oh...frantic. Hours on end, screaming, yelling, pause, back to yelling, monologue A, monologue B, blaming for X, blaming for Y, you did this, you didn't do that, back in the day you remember when you didn't / did do this, on and on and on, then louder, then tears, then back to just loud...

 

My mom did use the "you're yelling at me" and everything similar tactics, but my father also used his share of tactics to get an upper hand. I am 100% sure there was never any physical alteration, my father is not that type, in fact I think modern day internet psychologist would classify him as beta, or something of that sort.

 

My father likes to shift responsibility though - quick example - whenever we touch on the discussion about their relations, I mention how it won't ever go back to any old ways, it will just be them each in their own part of the house. Then I get asked "would you be bold enough to ask mom if she thinks we could go back to old ways"...etc.