kromenhs Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Hi, all - I could use some advice. I am a divorced mother, I know this is not ideal by any means but trying to do my best. I have been on my journey of self improvement and growth for about a year; yet, I know I still have a long way to go. I am dating a really wonderful man and we are working hard to build an honest and virtuous relationship. Recently, a difficult scenario has arisen. My twins are turning 5 this week, their father and I agreed to take them out for a fun dinner on their birthday night. We have come a long way, treating each other with respect now - although, I think he can still be a very lazy, uninvolved father. I know my children prefer to spend the evening with both of us. My boyfriend asserts that we are a broken family and should handle everything separately. That when we divorced, doing things together for any reason is now inappropriate. I should do dinner with them one night, their father another. We are not at a point where he is actively doing things with my children, we want to wait until our relationship us 100% steady and ready. He also believes that by doing things with my ex-husband it creates little room for future partners to imagine their role and displays that I am not willing to stick by my values. "If he wasn't good enough to be married to, why would he be good enough to share special days with?" I am torn - I know what my children would prefer, but I understand the message I am sending and any resulting confusion. Thoughts? (Please be gentle, this is my first post and I know that single moms aren't the site's favorite! Rest assured I am a 100% self sufficient mother ☺️)
dsayers Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Please be gentle A mirror is neither gentle nor harsh, nor could ever be these things. I don't know what your journey of self-improvement looks like and am by no means an expert myself. I hope that difficulties such as those that you are facing makes it clear how important self-knowledge is BEFORE entering into a romantic relationship, let alone one that yields children. I know that in a year's time, I made enormous strides in my own self-knowledge. However, I didn't do so while having children to provide for and/or an ex/divorce to contend with. Still, I would not have considered myself ready for a romantic relationship as "who I was" was yet to be discovered/formed. Does that make sense? So my first question would be: Why do you have a boyfriend right now? How much time have you spent talking with your children about the mistakes you have made that led to them not living with their mother and father and/or their parents not modeling affection with each other for them? I cannot imagine adding a boyfriend into the equation before all of the above would be a good idea. It sounds as if getting into a relationship before you were ready has led you down the path you find behind you, now with children who will be lost in this regard. It seems to me like repeating the same mistake, only now with the added detriment of estranging your children further. I want to share my bias on this subject a bit more in depth if I may. I recently re-evaluated my stance on starting a romantic relationship with a woman who already has kids. I had decided that if the woman was a bad parent, I wouldn't want her. That if she was a good parent, I wouldn't be able to form a relationship that would be satisfying to me because her children would rightly always come first. In your relationship with your boyfriend, do your children ALWAYS come first? If your children come first and you have talked and are available to continue to talk with your children about your situation and how it deviates from what's best for them, I can't see a reason to create a rule that everything has to be separate or together. I think your boyfriend is stating his preferences as factual, which is manipulative. Take the ultimatum he gave you; "Not being good enough to be married to" is an observation of your relationship with him. Doing special days together is about your children's relationship with the two of you. I don't think they're directly comparable. As far as the boyfriend goes, I question his level of self-knowledge. If he had self-knowledge, then he would be sensitive about the fact that you've just begun your journey and amid very challenging circumstances. If he doesn't, then I don't think he's going to be able to fulfill the role of secondary father to your children. Either way, they seem to lose out on the deal. And if I'm right about his assertion being manipulative, he's actively working against them to satisfy his own preferences. When you say self-sufficient mother, do you mean not on the dole? Do you mean your boyfriend doesn't help out? Also, mother's aren't supposed to be self-sufficient; they're supposed to be in it with the father. I think you know that and only mention this for the sake of encouraging precision in your language AND the danger of pre-supposing others based on things like FDR affiliation.
Danske Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 > say you treat each other with respectCall him lazy and uninvolved> dating a wonderful manA man who isn't willing to sacrifice his preference to live seperately for the sake of your children's happiness 1
thecurrentyear Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Please send me a private message when you've built up enough rep to be able to use the PM system.
kromenhs Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 Danske - thank you for the response. Yes, I suppose my language was inconsistent - you are right. I should have stated we treat each with kindness in front of our children. You are absolutely right that I don't respect my ex (divorced after all). Your statement about my new partner is the same concern I have eating me up; wish he would jump on the board and explain his position....I will check with him. Again, thank you.
Troubador Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I am a single father of a 3 year old, I simply could not be a committed father that put my child's needs 100% at the forefront, and be in a relationship. Particularly being at such a tender age. Maybe this will change once he is a lot older, and he is old enough to discuss this with. Obviously being selfish I'd love to date again, but for the current stage of child development I'm afraid it's just not possible. Bottom line - building a decent, enduring romantic relationship is an enormous investment of time, resources and emotions. Raising a child to the best of one's ability is even more so. I guess you could half ass parenting and con yourself you are not, or you can half-ass loving someone romantically, but I wouldn't want to give someone who was deserving of my heart a mere portion, such people are worth 100%. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but if you can crunch the numbers and come up with a different conclusion I'd love to hear it. 1 1
snapdragon Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 oh honey, this is the WRONG forum for this question. They don't like single mothers here. I suggest asking again on literally any other forum but this one. Good luck with your kids and your new man - best wishes to you all 3
cab21 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 What was the conversation like with your kids to know they prefer this? Is this what you prefer? I am a single father of a 3 year old, I simply could not be a committed father that put my child's needs 100% at the forefront, and be in a relationship. why do you think this? why do you need to put your child's needs 100% at the forefront, and why would a relationship be at odds with these needs rather than be a need for your child? 1
Tasl Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Hi, all - I could use some advice. I am a divorced mother, I know this is not ideal by any means but trying to do my best. I have been on my journey of self improvement and growth for about a year; yet, I know I still have a long way to go. I am dating a really wonderful man and we are working hard to build an honest and virtuous relationship. Recently, a difficult scenario has arisen. My twins are turning 5 this week, their father and I agreed to take them out for a fun dinner on their birthday night. We have come a long way, treating each other with respect now - although, I think he can still be a very lazy, uninvolved father. I know my children prefer to spend the evening with both of us. My boyfriend asserts that we are a broken family and should handle everything separately. That when we divorced, doing things together for any reason is now inappropriate. I should do dinner with them one night, their father another. We are not at a point where he is actively doing things with my children, we want to wait until our relationship us 100% steady and ready. He also believes that by doing things with my ex-husband it creates little room for future partners to imagine their role and displays that I am not willing to stick by my values. "If he wasn't good enough to be married to, why would he be good enough to share special days with?" I am torn - I know what my children would prefer, but I understand the message I am sending and any resulting confusion. Thoughts? (Please be gentle, this is my first post and I know that single moms aren't the site's favorite! Rest assured I am a 100% self sufficient mother ☺️) #1 You already know the answer of what you should do...when you said "I know what my children would prefer". Your kids did not ask to be born. That was a choice you and your ex-husband made. So as someone responsible for their lives, would you not want to ensure that they have the best life they could possibly have? #2 As a woman it is a HUGE flag to hear that your boyfriend thinks that having events and doing things together with the father of your children is now inappropriate. Your ex will always be the father of your children and I'm sure your children will always desire their father's presence. I would take a guess and say that a lot of children would be happy seeing their parents successfully and peacefully co-parenting and involved with major events such as birthdays. I know I was happy when I had both parents present even though they were divorced. It leaves me with concerns about his maturity when you said, "My boyfriend asserts that we are a broken family and should handle everything separately" and "If he wasn't good enough to be married to, why would he be good enough to share special days with?". It sounds as if he isn't empathetic towards your children's interest.... #3 My mother and father never exposed me to their dating life, if they dated (again I wouldn't know because I wasn't exposed). This granted them time and energy to spend with me and my needs. Personally I was grateful for this.
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