Boyfriend lied about being a virgin

[welcometothedarksyde]

Hi FDR.

 

I'm a 20 year old woman from Canada currently dating a 20 year old man from the US.

 

We both met online, and we're pretty early in our relationship. I met him about a month ago, and we've been together for about 3 weeks now. He's my first boyfriend, and since we're thousands of miles away, it takes quite a bit of effort to maintain, as well as a lot of trust.

 

The reason I decided to date this guy was because we're both in to the alt-right movement, and are anti-feminist, anti-globalist, and we're both interested in getting married in our mid-20s and having at least 5 kids. He supports my goal of eventually leaving my current full-time career once I have children to become a stay at home mom, and he also supports my desire to not have PIV sex before marriage. He also supports my desire to homeschool any kids we have.

 

Even though we've only been talking for a month, we've both fallen head over heels for each other, despite the fact we've never talked over Skype and only through text chat and swapping selfies of each other. We've spent up to 10 hours chatting with each other over Discord. He's currently in university and lives with 8 other people, so he hasn't had the opportunity to have a facetime with me since he's always being interrupted by drunk roommates.

 

We've both told each other "I love you" and since we have so many compatibilities, both in our love of romantic gestures, and in our long-term goals and politics, it was hard not to fall in love with him.

 

Before we started dating, I asked him the usual Stefan tells FDR listeners to ask suitors. Long-term goals, about children, how they want to raise children, their views on circumcision, discipline, schooling, as well as what his family is like, his childhood was like, and about his sexual history.

 

He told me he had dated a few girls online, but had never met them in real life, so he was still a 100% virgin. Never even kissed anyone.

 

I'm the same way, I've never dated anyone, so I'm still a virgin.

 

When we were having a chat today, he let it slip that he had met one of his exes in real life back when they were dating. This then prompted the question of how it was possible that he'd met her and hadn't kissed her. He then admitted he had kissed her, and upon my asking if anything else beyond that happened, he shut down and said he was uncomfortable talking about it.

 

This was a major red flag for me. It really broke my heart, not that he had an ex he'd slept with, but the fact he lied about being a virgin.

 

I was contemplating breaking up with him right then and there.

 

He told me the reason he lied was because he had only broken up with his ex of a year 2 months ago and that he felt it was "TMI". He said he wouldn't want to know about my sexual history either, and that he feels the past is in the past. He told me it wasn't personal, that he wouldn't have told any girl he's dating about his sexual past.

 

My problem wasn't that he "didn't bring up" his sexual history, but that he lied about it. He explained that he wanted to make me feel that we'd share the experience of first kissing better if I thought I was his first too.

 

I'm really confused as to what to do now. I consulted my brother (he's also an FDR listener) and he told me to simply take some time to think and let my feelings settle, and realize there are other good men out there I don't have to be in an online relationship with who also want to have a large, traditional family, who also want to homeschool their kids and want a homemaker wife. He told me it's good I discovered this red flag only a month in to the relationship since some people find it out 5 years after marrying someone.

 

My boyfriend told me this is the only thing he lied about, and mainly because he doesn't like talking about past relationships. I don't know if I can trust anything he says now since this is such a big lie.

 

But at the same time, besides this lie, we were so compatible.

 

- Want to homeschool kids to avoid them from being indocrinated

- Anti-spanking since it's cruel and ineffective

- Anti-circumcusion

- Pro-Trump

- Want to get married in mid-20s and have at least 5 kids

- Non-religious

- Health-conscious and exercise regularly

- Alt-right

- He's going to a good university with a degree that will give him a great job

- Parents are still together

- We both don't smoke or do drugs like weed

- Willing to wait until marriage for PIV sex (to avoid pregnancy and ensure a greater likelihood any marriage will work)

 

He's also incredibly romantic, amiable, and just generally makes me feel like a million bucks when I speak to him. I just don't know whether he lied because he made a mistake and didn't want to hurt my feelings, or because it's a red flag he's immature and will lie again AKA I should break up with him.

 

Before this happened, I legitimately thought this was a man I could marry. 

 

FDR, please tell this lady your thoughts. I'm really confused right now.

 

[thecurrentyear]

You can't believe a word this guy says, including whether he even is who he says he is. I am very worried about your safety and naïveté in getting involved with someone you have never even seen live online. I'm very sorry this has been your experience, but thank your lucky stars it didn't get worse before you wised up.

[aviet]

FDR, please tell this lady your thoughts. I'm really confused right now.

 

Why do your FDR and DeviantArt profiles both say male, with the latter listing your name as Liam?

[welcometothedarksyde]

Why do your FDR and DeviantArt profiles both say male, with the latter listing your name as Liam?

 

I'm not Liam. I'm his sister. He let me borrow his account so I could make a post here.

[DaVinci]

He's clearly being manipulative. I don't see any reason why you would have to lie about having been in a past relationship. It's not exactly weird. 

 

The fact that he broke up with this other person so soon and considers talking about that relationship "TMI" might mean you are being used as a rebound. He's clearly not over this person. 

 

It doesn't help that he is saying things like "I wouldn't want to know about your history either" What a bunch of nonsense. First, why wouldn't he care about your past? Then what is he doing trying to get to know you? Why is he talking about a long term relationship with you without finding out who you are before right now. So I don't buy that. 

 

Him saying he doesn't want to know about your history is him effectively minimizing you. He is trying to establish a "standard" of behavior that you are deviating from so that you look like the bad guy for questioning his past when he isn't questioning yours. 

 

I'm very sorry that things have turned out like this, but yeah, it's good that you have seen the red flags this soon. 

 

I know it's hard to date in the modern world, but I would advise against dating people through the phone or Skype. It just can't replace being with someone for real. There must be people in your area you can go out and meet, right? 

[Jot]

In my opinion the biggest problem here is not even the fact that he lied but the fact that he made that sort of excuse for this. ("He told me it wasn't personal, that he wouldn't have told any girl he's dating about his sexual past.") 

 

I think you demand an honest apology from him and him making the effort to not make any more excuses but be as straightforward and honest as possible even though he fears that this might end your relationship, otherwise this would be a clear confession of him caring more about his interest than both of yours. 

 

I assume he claims he wants a lifelong relationship that is built upon trust and openness...you might want to be real careful about this situation.

[algernon]

Even though we've only been talking for a month, we've both fallen head over heels for each other, despite the fact we've never talked over Skype and only through text chat and swapping selfies of each other. We've spent up to 10 hours chatting with each other over Discord.

 

You've never heard his voice?

 

 

He's currently in university and lives with 8 other people, so he hasn't had the opportunity to have a facetime with me since he's always being interrupted by drunk roommates.

 

 

After 1 month he hasn't left his dorm and been able to chat with you over skype? I'm calling BS

 

 

He told me he had dated a few girls online, but had never met them in real life, so he was still a 100% virgin. Never even kissed anyone.

 

 

So he says this...

 

 

... he let it slip that he had met one of his exes in real life back when they were dating

 

Lie 1

 

He then admitted he had kissed her

 

Lie 2

 

and upon my asking if anything else beyond that happened, he shut down and said he was uncomfortable talking about it.

 

Lie 3.

 

This was a major red flag for me. It really broke my heart, not that he had an ex he'd slept with, but the fact he lied about being a virgin.

 

The lies are a really big problem.

 

He told me the reason he lied was because he had only broken up with his ex of a year 2 months ago and that he felt it was "TMI".

 

Or maybe he's still seeing her?

 

He said he wouldn't want to know about my sexual history either, and that he feels the past is in the past. He told me it wasn't personal, that he wouldn't have told any girl he's dating about his sexual past.

 

Lie 4, and absolutely ridiculous.

 

He explained that he wanted to make me feel that we'd share the experience of first kissing better if I thought I was his first too.

 

Lie 5.

 

My boyfriend told me this is the only thing he lied about, and mainly because he doesn't like talking about past relationships.

 

Lie 6.

 

I don't know if I can trust anything he says now since this is such a big lie.

 

Yes, and because of so many lie(s).

 

In actuality you have no idea if you were compatible, he could have been a complete and total troll. Everything he said about agreeing with you could have been complete lies. Are you even sure he is who he says he is?

 

You already have so many obstacles to overcome to continue a relationship with this person, the distance, being in different countries, having never met them, having never talked to them, now add lying into the mix, do you think you should try and continue the relationship?

 

Do you think this is the best you deserve, or do you deserve better?

 

 

 

[nickhk]

Canada currently dating a 20 year old man from the US.

 

We both met online... about a month ago, and we've been together for about 3 weeks now.

 

thousands of miles away

 

First of all, why are long distance relationships ok?  Second, why are you having one after "knowing" each other a week? 

[dsayers]

we're both interested in getting married in our mid-20s and having at least 5 kids.

With each other, or generally speaking? If it's with each other, I'm not sure how you could come to such a conclusion with somebody who would lie to you. If in general, I'm not sure how you could come to such a conclusion without knowing who your partner would be.

 

If a person has to lie to you to earn your affection, they don't deserve it. If a person would lie to you after receiving your affection, they don't deserve it.

[welcometothedarksyde]

Thanks for all your advice, everyone. I especially appreciate algernon's insight in to how it was more than one lie. He told me yesterday he still sometimes thinks of his ex that he broke up with 2 months ago, and I'm at the point where I'm suspecting I'm a rebound. This is my first relationship, and I've made mistakes in trusting him and being as vulnerable as I was so soon. I'm glad since this was an LDR I didn't get physical with him, and that I found this out early.

 

I should have asked more questions up front about his previous relationships, but since he told me he had never met any of his online girlfriends before, and that he was still a kissless virgin like myself, that they didn't count as sexual partners. 

 

He's young, about to turn 20, but that is no excuse for lying and not being honest. I'm 20, and I try my hardest to maintain honesty, forthrightness, and what I'm looking for in a man up front and throughout a relationship. I deserve a man who has the virtue of honesty and is mature enough to talk about exes, even though those might be painful memories. 

[welcometothedarksyde]

With each other, or generally speaking? If it's with each other, I'm not sure how you could come to such a conclusion with somebody who would lie to you. If in general, I'm not sure how you could come to such a conclusion without knowing who your partner would be.

 

If a person has to lie to you to earn your affection, they don't deserve it. If a person would lie to you after receiving your affection, they don't deserve it.

 

Generally speaking. I'd like to have at least 5 children and be a stay at home mom so I don't have to send them to daycare and so I can homeschool them. It's hard to find men who aren't 15 years older than me and want over 3 kids. 

[dsayers]

Generally speaking. I'd like to have at least 5 children and be a stay at home mom so I don't have to send them to daycare and so I can homeschool them. It's hard to find men who aren't 15 years older than me and want over 3 kids. 

If I had to guess in advance, I think I would've wanted two. By time I found a woman that we were going to have kids, we decided on one. I think she had wanted more than one too. But given our circumstances, one was what would be best for our child(ren). I maintain that this is unknowable until you actually find your partner.

 

This is my first relationship, and I've made mistakes in trusting him and being as vulnerable as I was so soon.

By relationship, do you mean romantic relationship? Because even a romantic relationship that's worth pursuing will have a solid foundation in friendship. I would go so far as to assert that they would literally be your best friend before even being eligible for a healthy romantic partner (though I'm no expert, so I could be wrong about that part).

 

I would caution against throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. This world is FULL of phonies. A willingness to be vulnerable is a rare quality, and one that I would argue is a requisite for establishing a true connection. Not long ago, I had my greatest vulnerability exploited worse than ever before by somebody who I never though could do such a thing. I'm VERY glad that I didn't stop being vulnerable to others. The connections I've made since are some of the best I've ever had.

[aviet]

Generally speaking. I'd like to have at least 5 children and be a stay at home mom so I don't have to send them to daycare and so I can homeschool them. It's hard to find men who aren't 15 years older than me and want over 3 kids. 

Would you be able to pin-point where you have gained the notion of homeschooling and having five children? The impression that I have got is that is not the sort of thing that you would find in Canada. I've never heard any girls from the UK mention homeschooling.

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

As someone who has had experience with serious lies at the start of a relationship, I would back off until you can figure out why he lied and be prepared to walk away if you aren't satisfied with his honesty.

[thecurrentyear]

Generally speaking. I'd like to have at least 5 children and be a stay at home mom so I don't have to send them to daycare and so I can homeschool them. It's hard to find men who aren't 15 years older than me and want over 3 kids.

Fine goals. Don't let the skeptics dissuade you. What kind of support do you have? Sorry if I missed it. But you need some older and wiser people who care about you to help you with partner vetting. Someone needs to be looking out for you. This would ideally be your parents, but we all know how that goes. A therapist could help on a temporary basis. Put out some feelers for a good parent figure to help you stay safe without sacrificing your youthful vulnerability. Good luck to you.

[welcometothedarksyde]

Fine goals. Don't let the skeptics dissuade you. What kind of support do you have? Sorry if I missed it. But you need some older and wiser people who care about you to help you with partner vetting. Someone needs to be looking out for you. This would ideally be your parents, but we all know how that goes. A therapist could help on a temporary basis. Put out some feelers for a good parent figure to help you stay safe without sacrificing your youthful vulnerability. Good luck to you.

 

I'm very close with my parents, they're still together thankfully. I spoke to them yesterday about all that has happened, and they gave me some fine advice. My dad told me to ask for an apology to see how he responds. If he focuses on my feelings and owns up to how the situation hurt me, that's where his priorities are. If he tries to backtrack and defend his lies, he's more focused on himself than the relationship. My brother and dad are FDR listeners, so I'm very thankful for that.

Would you be able to pin-point where you have gained the notion of homeschooling and having five children? The impression that I have got is that is not the sort of thing that you would find in Canada. I've never heard any girls from the UK mention homeschooling.

 

My brother and I homeschooled ourselves in our teens, since we were unsatisfied with the curriculum offered my actual schools, even the online distance courses. I don't want my future children being taught about how all men are rapists and about the wage gap. There are so many more important things to learn for those 12 years that would leave them more employable and self-sufficient instead. 

 

As for why I want 5 kids, it's because I think it's important that intelligent, skilled, and well-off people have kids since IQ and temperament are very heritable. I find it's a shame intelligent, well-off people aren't having kids because they believe there are too many kids in the world, despite the fact these population booms are happening in lower IQ populations. I do well for myself in a career that takes a lot of work and almost in-born skill that is notoriously difficult to break in to, so whatever heritable factor led me to being successful, I want to pass on to future generations.

[aviet]

I'm very close with my parents, they're still together thankfully. I spoke to them yesterday about all that has happened, and they gave me some fine advice. My dad told me to ask for an apology to see how he responds. If he focuses on my feelings and owns up to how the situation hurt me, that's where his priorities are. If he tries to backtrack and defend his lies, he's more focused on himself than the relationship. My brother and dad are FDR listeners, so I'm very thankful for that.

 

My brother and I homeschooled ourselves in our teens, since we were unsatisfied with the curriculum offered my actual schools, even the online distance courses. I don't want my future children being taught about how all men are rapists and about the wage gap. There are so many more important things to learn for those 12 years that would leave them more employable and self-sufficient instead. 

 

As for why I want 5 kids, it's because I think it's important that intelligent, skilled, and well-off people have kids since IQ and temperament are very heritable. I find it's a shame intelligent, well-off people aren't having kids because they believe there are too many kids in the world, despite the fact these population booms are happening in lower IQ populations. I do well for myself in a career that takes a lot of work and almost in-born skill that is notoriously difficult to break in to, so whatever heritable factor led me to being successful, I want to pass on to future generations.

 

I agree with all your sentiments. If you post one of these, I'm pretty sure you would find a prospect a bit closer to home:

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/47910-females-click-here-now/

[David Ottinger]

Hi Liam's sister,

 

The realization that we're sometimes susceptible to projecting our romantic desires to the point where we fall in love with a fantasy and miss the true character of the person we've projected this ideal upon is a tough pill to swallow.  But, seeing the title and then reading your story, I was relieved to find that you dodged a bullet because of your wit.  I think you can find a lot of satisfaction in that. 

 

You successfully shared your love with someone and discovered that not everyone is capable of reciprocating the same love back.  You're now wiser and stronger as a result. 

 

Brené Brown puts an insight about love beautifully (paraphrased), "Our ability to love is contingent to the degree we love ourselves."  And your capacity for love clearly exceeded his because you accept who you are and he is ashamed of himself, otherwise he would not have lied.  And, worse, he then tried to undermine your capacity for love by having you question your values in hope of justifying his cowardice to be honest and vulnerable with you.  These betrayals are the seeds he sows in the relationship.  Do you really care to nurture that?

 

Nathaniel Branden has some good affirmations about self-esteem that might help you through this:

• If people treat me discourteously or disrespectfully, it is a reflection on them, not on me. It is only a reflection on me if I accept their treatment of me as right.
• If someone I like does not return my feelings, it is not a reflection of my personal worth.
• No other individual or group has the power to determine how I will think and feel about myself.

 

I wish you the best in your romantic endeavors.

[Jot]

Edit (nevermind) 

[thecurrentyear]

He is 35 and she is 20.

Aviet was suggesting she post "one of those" (in search of ads) not respond to that specific post.

[Jot]

Aviet was suggesting she post "one of those" (in search of ads) not respond to that specific post.

 

Yeah. My bad.

[welcometothedarksyde]

I agree with all your sentiments. If you post one of these, I'm pretty sure you would find a prospect a bit closer to home:

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/47910-females-click-here-now/

Thanks for the advice. I'm still hurting and need time to digest what happened, so I'm going to take some months to heal and gain more self-knowledge before I put myself out there again.

Hi Liam's sister,

 

The realization that we're sometimes susceptible to projecting our romantic desires to the point where we fall in love with a fantasy and miss the true character of the person we've projected this ideal upon is a tough pill to swallow.  But, seeing the title and then reading your story, I was relieved to find that you dodged a bullet because of your wit.  I think you can find a lot of satisfaction in that. 

 

You successfully shared your love with someone and discovered that not everyone is capable of reciprocating the same love back.  You're now wiser and stronger as a result. 

 

Brené Brown puts an insight about love beautifully (paraphrased), "Our ability to love is contingent to the degree we love ourselves."  And your capacity for love clearly exceeded his because you accept who you are and he is ashamed of himself, otherwise he would not have lied.  And, worse, he then tried to undermine your capacity for love by having you question your values in hope of justifying his cowardice to be honest and vulnerable with you.  These betrayals are the seeds he sows in the relationship.  Do you really care to nurture that?

 

Nathaniel Branden has some good affirmations about self-esteem that might help you through this:

• If people treat me discourteously or disrespectfully, it is a reflection on them, not on me. It is only a reflection on me if I accept their treatment of me as right.
• If someone I like does not return my feelings, it is not a reflection of my personal worth.
• No other individual or group has the power to determine how I will think and feel about myself.

 

I wish you the best in your romantic endeavors.

 

I really believe I dodged a bullet too. Today I finally had a chance to talk to him over the phone, and before I had the chance to break up with him, he told me he was going back to his ex-girlfriend he'd broken up with back in June. This reveals another lie he told me two days ago. When I asked him if he'd ever take his ex back, he said only if she got a job and went back to college, AND I broke up with him. And here we are... he broke up with me. 

 

I'm super thankful this bad experience happened with an online relationship as I would have felt so much worse if I'd gotten physical with him.

 

He kept telling me how sorry he was and how he wanted to make it up to me for essentially cheating on me. I told him that before he goes back to his ex, he needs to tell her that A.) he is still in love with me (which he admitted) and B.) that he lied to me about her and being a virgin. If I were his ex, I wouldn't take him back based on that, and I told him this. That if he really feels sorry for being dishonest, that he should be willing to tell his ex about what happened between us and how he lied to me, despite the fact she very well might break up with him for that. We talked for an hour and it gave me a lot of closure knowing why I got myself in to this situation and how it all ends. I also told him to read Real Time Relationships, since he kept asking me what he could do to make it up to me.

 

I sincerely hope his ex asks him about what happened, since he might not even tell her about our relationship and what he did to me. After all, he didn't tell me about her. She's walking in to the lion's den if she doesn't ask him anything.

[Troubador]

Hmmm it's totally your decision, and what I say may sound mean, but you have gone far too far down a path of emotional bonding with this man. I know it's exciting and an emotional maelstrom of hopes and dreams, but you haven't even met him yet! It's also an incredibly human impulse too, we've all been there!

 

Reading between the lines I think you know all too well what this red flag represents, you consulted your older brother (very wise move l! And if you EVER consider meeting up with a guy online ask him to go with you and be nearby). Then you came and posted on here to get a reality check.

 

I don't know you, and it is as plain as day how important honesty is to you, just from this one thread. His shutting down the topic past a certain point AND that panic of a platitude of wanting you to believe it was his first time kissing too is a nonsense. Any potentially worthy partner who had made a mistake would be hitting the metaphorical relationship wikileaks button of full disclosure. Text messages, emails the whole nine. If he really knew how important the virtue of honesty was to you that is. If he doesn't I question does he actually know you at all?

 

If one day you have a daughter who came to you with this dilemma what would you advise?

Sorry hadn't rtft I see you did the right thing!!

[David Ottinger]

Thanks for the advice. I'm still hurting and need time to digest what happened, so I'm going to take some months to heal and gain more self-knowledge before I put myself out there again.

 

I really believe I dodged a bullet too. Today I finally had a chance to talk to him over the phone, and before I had the chance to break up with him, he told me he was going back to his ex-girlfriend he'd broken up with back in June. This reveals another lie he told me two days ago. When I asked him if he'd ever take his ex back, he said only if she got a job and went back to college, AND I broke up with him. And here we are... he broke up with me. 

 

I'm super thankful this bad experience happened with an online relationship as I would have felt so much worse if I'd gotten physical with him.

 

He kept telling me how sorry he was and how he wanted to make it up to me for essentially cheating on me. I told him that before he goes back to his ex, he needs to tell her that A.) he is still in love with me (which he admitted) and B.) that he lied to me about her and being a virgin. If I were his ex, I wouldn't take him back based on that, and I told him this. That if he really feels sorry for being dishonest, that he should be willing to tell his ex about what happened between us and how he lied to me, despite the fact she very well might break up with him for that. We talked for an hour and it gave me a lot of closure knowing why I got myself in to this situation and how it all ends. I also told him to read Real Time Relationships, since he kept asking me what he could do to make it up to me.

 

I sincerely hope his ex asks him about what happened, since he might not even tell her about our relationship and what he did to me. After all, he didn't tell me about her. She's walking in to the lion's den if she doesn't ask him anything.

 

[welcometothedarksyde]

Hmmm it's totally your decision, and what I say may sound mean, but you have gone far too far down a path of emotional bonding with this man. I know it's exciting and an emotional maelstrom of hopes and dreams, but you haven't even met him yet! It's also an incredibly human impulse too, we've all been there!

 

Reading between the lines I think you know all too well what this red flag represents, you consulted your older brother (very wise move l! And if you EVER consider meeting up with a guy online ask him to go with you and be nearby). Then you came and posted on here to get a reality check.

 

I don't know you, and it is as plain as day how important honesty is to you, just from this one thread. His shutting down the topic past a certain point AND that panic of a platitude of wanting you to believe it was his first time kissing too is a nonsense. Any potentially worthy partner who had made a mistake would be hitting the metaphorical relationship wikileaks button of full disclosure. Text messages, emails the whole nine. If he really knew how important the virtue of honesty was to you that is. If he doesn't I question does he actually know you at all?

 

If one day you have a daughter who came to you with this dilemma what would you advise?

Sorry hadn't rtft I see you did the right thing!!

 

Troubador, thanks for responding. I really love how you brought up the question of what I'd do if a daughter of mine came to me with this dilemma. I wouldn't want her getting HPV because a guy told her he was a virgin, or some worse STD. It can be hard being objective about my relationships when I'm infatuated and in a flurry of emotion, so I'm really grateful that a resource like the FDR community exists to give people like me a sage, 3rd party perspective.

[Spenc]

You listed a bunch of things you have in common with this guy in describing how you felt the two of you were compatible.....

 

How did these revelations unfold?  The pro-Trump, alt-right stuff doesn't matter because it's current and topical.  The non-religiou sisn't really relevant because it would come up in any new relationship.  Specifically, how did the issues of 5 children, married in mid-20s, no circumcisions, no spanking, etc. all come up in conversation?  These aren't common everyday topics that people get into even as a relationship begins to blossom, particularly among 20-year olds.

 

Which means someone was steering the conversation.  And since you are a) the female, and b) the FDR listener, i'm throwing darts here in hypothesizing that it was you directing the flow of conversational traffic. 

 

Now, when we couple that hypothesis with the latest revelation that he is going back to his ex and ignored his prior statements.  And further to that, that he relies primarily on online dating to forge relationships with women, assuming he was truthful in that respect.  And further to that, that he still claims to love you!  I'm going to present my Grand Unified Theory that this guy is just a drifter who floats on the water and the currents and tides carry him along.

[cab21]

so when you asked the FDR questions, did you answer these first, and he just agreed?

 

I don't know how often it would be that a person would come up with all those on their own, the 5 kids or more part matching sound a bit more like he waits for the questioner to answer then molds his answers.

[Lotus Flowery]

Perhaps ask any other potential boyfriends exactly what their values are about certain subjects before divulging yours to them first. That way you will know that what they say comes from them rather than them just going along with what you say in order to win you over.

[dsayers]

Perhaps ask any other potential boyfriends exactly what their values are about certain subjects before divulging yours to them first. That way you will know that what they say comes from them rather than them just going along with what you say in order to win you over.

What if the other person utilizes this same approach? Wouldn't that end in a stalemate? In order to shake hands, you must also extend yours. I'm not saying this is bad advice. I'm just wondering if perhaps there might be better advice. You cannot form real relationships without vulnerability.

[Frederik]

Perhaps ask any other potential boyfriends exactly what their values are about certain subjects before divulging yours to them first. That way you will know that what they say comes from them rather than them just going along with what you say in order to win you over.

I think what it's really about is to focus on the methodology instead of the conclusions as Stef always emphasizes. It's not really about whether someone is pro-Trump or an atheist that makes someone worthy of your respect and admiration. It's integrity towards someone's deepest personal values, and thus it's much more effective and meaningful to find out about with what kind of fundamental beliefs a person experiences his or her life.

 

What makes you think this or that is good? Why do you consider yourself a this or that? I'm curious, why do you do this exactly this way?

 

A person worthy of your respect will be delighted to answer!

 

On another note, as a twenty-four-year-young complete virgin with lots of self knowledge and a wonderful life as a solitary man, I want to emphasize how important it is for people who are - in these ways - very precious, to be very aware of how few people will ever be worthy of a relationship with you. For precious people, it is easy to forget how few people have, say, had great parents (god bless!), or, spend hundreds of hours introspecting, or, have done the work necessary to connect plain rationality with vulnerability and curiosity, because we ourselves live in only this world. It is not normal! It is exceptionally rare.

 

That's why honesty and curiosity is so vital for self protection. The more precious you are, the more reserved you have to be, and I can only second other people's remarks on how rapidly you developed feelings for this lair, which I fully, fully sympathize with! It's so easy to fall into, I have been guilty of it myself (though of course without feeling ashamed of it ). It's so easy to slip into desperation - unconsciously of course -, thinking if it's not 'that' person "I'll never find a suiting one"... Well, here is a guaranteed way of getting to know this person: Become it yourself Then, paths will cross with the like-minded.

 

You are to be applauded for your honesty and integrity yourself, for sure. You are doing great!

[Spenc]

Perhaps ask any other potential boyfriends exactly what their values are about certain subjects before divulging yours to them first. That way you will know that what they say comes from them rather than them just going along with what you say in order to win you over.

 

 

What if the other person utilizes this same approach? Wouldn't that end in a stalemate? In order to shake hands, you must also extend yours. I'm not saying this is bad advice. I'm just wondering if perhaps there might be better advice. You cannot form real relationships without vulnerability.

 

 

 

That's why I had asked, "How did these revelations unfold?"

 

I would generally say that in any topic you yourself are familiar with, if you're going to take the person seriously then they should be able to offer a unique thought of their own, a unique source of information/perspective, or at least a solid breakdown of another's unique thoughts and perspectives.

 

I've always been kind of anti-spanking.  But when I was 20, if a girlfriend asked me about it, I wouldn't be able to expound on the issue to any depth and wouldn't consider myself to have been 'compatible' with an FDR listening 20-year old woman.  The lack of compatibility would be rooted in my inability to offer a unique perspective or any foundational argumetns that shaped my position.