Passive Father and family dynamics

[JohnnyBoy]

Hello everyone.  I would like some insight into my family situation.  Struggles with alcoholism have plagued my life for about 10 years now.  I am sober now but I have been jailed, self injured, been incredibly reckless with my sexual behavior even getting a woman pregnant at 24 years of age. She ended up getting rid of the baby.  I am now 25 and sober and have been doing some soul searching.  At first I demonized my mother for her narcissism.  Since I was a child I always was treated more like a boyfriend than a little boy and I know this damaged me.  I looked at my father as a good man who got involved with a damaged woman.  Now I am beginning to recognize things about him that were right in front of my face the entire time.  He is not malicious, nor abusive, but he has never guided me.  He essentially watched me fall apart starting in my teens when I was drinking heavily and caught a non violent felony case.  He showed little reaction to this.  He was supportive of me, as he always is, but never seemed overly concerned.  It almost seems like something is missing. At the end of my drinking spree 8 years later I had ut 3rd degree burns down my arm after being drunk for a week straight and was hospitalized where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I do not totally agree with this diagnosis as many of the symptoms of bpd seem to accurately describe a drunk person, which I was much of the time.  Anyway, my parents and I have a good relationship now but I know this is because I have changed, not that they have.  This is not about bashing anyone but I want to understand my family dynamics better so I can figure out what happened to me so I never go down such a road again.  My brother is very similar as well.  He is not malicious and is very kind, but lacks empathy.  For example, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital one evening for an unknown reason and as I jumped in the car with my father to go see her, my brother turned around and went into the house to play video games. The people at the hospital told me I wouldn't live to 30 if I continued to self destruct the way I was.  Thankyou all so much for your time and I hope to get some feedback from you.

[aviet]

Thankyou all so much for your time and I hope to get some feedback from you.

The description you gave of your father sounds somewhat similar to mine, but I didn't come close to going down the routes you have been down. I would suspect your behaviour would have been moulded more by your mother and your father was not there to put you back on the rails.

 

You don't go into the family dynamics enough to give much thoughts, but it seems to me that you are on the path to healing - looking to understand how you got where you have been and not looking to find out which parent to place the blame on.

 

Could you describe more about your mother?

[algernon]

Hi Johnny,

 

There is a lot of pretty serious stuff there.

 

One of the best books I've ever read is The Body Keeps The Score - https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477367568&sr=8-1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score

 

I know me posting a link to a book isn't the answer you were looking for, but I cannot stress enough how beneficial I think it would be to your situation. 

 

There are a few things I'd like to point out -

 

You do not "get rid" of a baby. I don't even know what that means, did she put the baby up for adoption, or did she abort it? That's very trivial language to a serious situation.

 

"At first you demonized your mother", but you no longer do?

 

Good people do not get involved with damaged people, have kids with them, and allow their kids to be traumatized by them. If your father wanted to be in a destructive relationship and never have kids that's one thing, but having kids and not protecting them is completely different.

 

Would I be a good parent if my child was standing at the edge of a cliff and I did nothing to stop them from falling? As a parent I can tell you I would stop at nothing to prevent them from coming to such serious harm.

 

Supportive of you.. financially?

 

Your diagnoses at the hospital is complete BS, read the book, you'll understand.

 

You stating you have a good relationship with your parents I find extremely hard to believe based on the information you've presented. You also said you don't want to "bash anyone", why do you think you said that?

 

[AccuTron]

Algernon notes that the claim of a good relationship now with your parents sounds iffy, and I agree.   Tho' we lack details, it sounds to me like you did the work, they are behaving better because of what you did, and you give them credit for doing something, which they didn't.  Maybe wishful thinking, which may mislead you later.

 

Your very good post shows you are already doing a lot right in your mind, you have the necessary core determination to work your way to stepping stone victories of mental health.  

 

A smaller item which got my attention:  the brother that stayed home playing video games when granny went to the hospital.  How old is the brother?  I'm reminded of way too many times of my childhood/adolescence when mommy dearest insisted on this or that physical presence at something.  I could tell when young that it served no purpose, not for a youngster nor anyone else, that it was just social momentum without analysis, and usually resulted in my mental or physical torture of some sort.  (Brutal heat, painful knee joints before soft sole shoes were invented, being my fave memories there.)  I wonder if your brother had the only realistic view, and there was no point whatever in his being in a hospital where he and granny probably wouldn't even see each other.  Not that anyone would listen to him....

[JohnnyBoy]

aviet64 - My mother comes from a history of sexual abuse.  When I reached age 11 she began to regress to a childlike state, although she was always emotionally immature.  This was around the age that she herself was abused.  A good example of our dynamic: my mother asked me one day if I had a good childhood and asked this question while pouting.  So she was prepping me for the answer she wanted.  I placated her and told her yes. She them went on to tell me how God had endowed me as a child with the abilty to deal wth the symptoms of her ptsd and depression.  That was a huge moment for me, as right then I realized that I was never truly a human being to her.  This relsulted in me disowning her for 8 months and being angry constantly for the duration of this 8 months. It became so unbearable that I got back in contact with her just to stop the anger, as I was essentially self destructing and going somewhat crazy due to the intense emotion I felt daily.  If you can imagine the last time you were really mad, that was how I felt on an almost constant basis and it was destroying me especially since I have never been an outwardly angry person .She has strong maternal instincts, ie: she would and has been there for me on the drop of a dime when I needed her, but she is totally incapable of taking responsibility for any mistakes she has made in her life.  From the outside looking in I do not think this is a conscious choice, but a deeply ingrained coping mechanism.  I honestly believe she is incapable of it, in the same way I believe my father is incapable of the sort of deep seeded fatherly instinct to guide and protect.  They could fake these things but I believe it would be just that... an act.

 

Algernon - Thankyou for the book recommendation I will follow up with that.  I still do demonize my mother, but I have chosen as of now to try not to think about her mistakes as it sends me into a spiral. The girl I mentioned got an abortion.  That is what I meant by "get rid" of the baby.  My father is supportive of me financially and emotionally.  By emotionally I mean, if I was ever to be sent to prison he would write me and visit me whenever he could but he would not step in beforehand to keep his son from taking obvious steps in that direction. When I was trying to get sober a while back, we had a girl who had been boarding in this house for a few months and was also dealing drugs.  He owned the house we were all living in and I told him about this issue.  He made excuses for the girl who was taking advantage of him and dealing drugs to not only my brother but the other roommates as well instead of kicking her out.  This is what confuses me.  I really don't know what this is as I've never met anyone else like this.  I've tried talking to counselors but I can't seem to find a good one.  Anyways, I think if I can sort out my FOO then I can figure out why I am the way I am now.  At the moment I am dependent on my parents so I'm not sure what to do.  If I disowned them I would be living in a cardboard box in some alley, and I also am not convinced that disowning anyone is the right answer.

[algernon]

I'm really sorry to hear about the abortion, of course women are always given support and thought about when they either lose a baby, or choose to terminate the pregnancy, but rarely does anyone think of the father.

 

Regarding your mother - unfortunately choosing to not consciously think about trauma does not make the issue go away or heal it, the trauma will express itself in another way.

 

Yes I agree, pursuing these FOO questions is important, becoming aware of how you were broken is the first step in fixing it, hopefully the book will give you some good ideas and avenues to pursue.

 

I would definitely say the most immediate and actionable thing you should focus on is becoming financially independent, you are currently in a position of weakness and you will not be able to confront these issues until you are self sufficient.

[AccuTron]

"He made excuses for ...  This is what confuses me."

 

Any good healing process is all about honesty and continued discovery, which you are already doing.  When you speak of confusion, I think of my own, and an element that stands out is that we need to bring parents down off pedestals, which is very difficult to do, probably for solid evolutionary reasons that don't work so well now.  We then may find simply a person who made excuses because of fear, damage, ignorance, desire, etc., the usual things.  Then it's not so confusing.  Sad, but less confusing.

 

With my own deceased father, every now and then I have a new insight, probably because of some development in myself.  Soooo...as you work on yourself, you may unpredictably gain insights, less confusion, as to your father's behavior.

[JohnnyBoy]

Thanks guys.  Accutron - i like what you said.  I tend to be very judgemental of those closest to me, so just seeing my father as human and not something godlike is something I should do.  Thanks everybody, I think I'll be able to make some great connections here. At least I hope I do. Algernon - You are absolutely correct.  I am in a point of weakness to my dependence on my parents.  So, I guess my immediate point of action should be figuring out how to do that.  With a felony conviction it is a wee bit difficult to find work other than restaurants but there are many great men who have made mistakes.  So again, thankyou all, I'm new here so I'm not sure if there is a way to personally message me on here but if there is, and anyone has advice on finding good mentors, and financial advice, or really any sort of good advice, I would very much appreciate it.