Travelling and relationships

[Jakethehuman]

Hey I wonder if I could get some opinions on a situation someone I know is in right now, should be quick:

 

She is getting serious with a guy, talking about kids etc, but he wants to go on holidays alone, about 50/50 before they have kids, and then two weeks a year once they are married with kids.

 

My gut tells me this is really wrong and she should not accept it, but she says not a problem for her, while also saying she would love to go with him, he's got heaps of dough so I think she isn't being objective. What do you guys think?

[taraelizabeth21]

Sorry just to be sure I understand: he wants to vacation alone a few times a year even after they have kids?

[Jakethehuman]

Yes that's right, two weeks a year, at least, after they have kids.

[aviet]

Is the partner an invrovert? Invroerts are hard-wired to like their own time.

Do you know any reason that the partner wants to travel alone for?

[Jakethehuman]

He says he needs that time alone to grow mentally and be a better father, and if it is good for him it will be good for the family.

To be clear it's not really time alone as he will be holidaying having fun and socialising with strangers.

[thecurrentyear]

Jake, you seem to be putting your own spin on the situation and not giving a lot of details, so I'm afraid the opinions you get here will not be objective or much help to your friend. Are you asking because you want to help her (why are you speaking with a female friend about her relationship?), or because you want backup ammo to bring to her, to say you are right? 

[Blimpmerchant]

I'm not sure you can put socializing with strangers on the same plateau as taking your lover on a vacation with you.  The girlfriend and I have a "sorta" similar view of things, I like to get down to the nitty gritty of human experience and backpack through rural mexico alone with my homebase being Mexico City.. she on the other hand is okay with drinking and sitting on a beach for a week.  Due to the differences, it just sort of happens to fall this way.  I prefer an existential vacilando style vacation to grow, she wants to escape her life for a moment.  I don't think one is more objective or valid than the other.  If he did bring his soon to be wife, then I think he can't force himself into a situation where he's vulnerable because he has his greatest comfort, her love and company, a step away the entire trip.  

 

All relationships require sacrifice, so his solo trips will almost HAVE to be diminished in some fashion, that's a sacrifice of a relationship, but I think it's perfectly acceptable that he gets HIS style vacation too.  She would have to make that sacrifice herself and allow him to do that, but he would need to make a sacrifice and do a her and him style vacation.  This is all of course speculation based upon my own experience.  The truth is, you have more freedoms while single, but the perks of a relationship can be astronomical if two people can work as a team.

[taraelizabeth21]

I mean, I feel like you've given enough info to at least prompt some more basic questions. But, yes, it would be good to know more about what the relationship is between you and your friend? Is she an ex or is there any romantic tension between you? How close are you? Has this guy given you any reason to suspect him?

 

I don't think it's unusual at all for a person to want time alone or to have activities that they really need that space for, but is the guy giving off any other red flags? I know you mentioned he is wealthy--does he seem like a womanizer or have history of dishonesty? Do you get a weird feeling about him in general, like something is off? Has there been any drama in their relationship to begin with, like him leaving another girl for her or him cheating?

[Jakethehuman]

Lol wtf I try and make the post simple so people don't have to read an essay and get accused of looking for ammo... I think it's a very simple question, there is a principle involved who cares about all the other bullshit?

 

She is my girlfriends friend, they recently met online and we share many of the same views, my girl is very excited to find someone to get along with. He is a chiropractor (red flag for me lol), he's from Syria but has a Christian and an atheist for parents, he had a messy breakup with someone he describes as a psycopath, he felt sorry for her and let her move in next door with his sister, then he proposed to her after they'd broken up she said no and he says now that he wouldn't have followed through it was just a bad phase, 2.5 years later she still lives there. They are talking about kids and a life together, yet they don't live together, as his parents live with him so it will be a couple of years before they will be able to put their relationship to the domestic test. During the initial stages of their relationship he would "test" Her by starting fights or not talking to her for extended periods just to make sure "she wasn't a psycho". He has stopped doing that now after she made it clear she didn't like it.

He says he is a very different person to who he was when he dated that last woman. She broke up with him once because he's Syrian and she wants to mate with white genes because she's worried about whites dying out or whatever, but he fought for her and now she very much in love with him. She has said the main thing she cares about is whether a man can provide for a family. She says he interacts well with her and others and always puts the people he cares about before himself. She at first didn't like the idea of the solo holidays but after talking to him, she doesn't care if she stays at home with kids while he has fun and is sure it would be good for them all.

 

This is my point all of the above shit doesn't matter at all, he needs to explain what exactly he gets out of a solo holiday (with strangers) that he can't get with her there, because obviously she would prefer to be there so he has to have a really good reason why she shouldn't be, personal growth and development is bs just words.

[thecurrentyear]

Ah, so you're an asshole. Glad I was able to get that out into the open.

[Jakethehuman]

I've asked for you opinion on a certain definite question, not a personality test, get a grip mate.

I'm not sure you can put socializing with strangers on the same plateau as taking your lover on a vacation with you. The girlfriend and I have a "sorta" similar view of things, I like to get down to the nitty gritty of human experience and backpack through rural mexico alone with my homebase being Mexico City.. she on the other hand is okay with drinking and sitting on a beach for a week. Due to the differences, it just sort of happens to fall this way. I prefer an existential vacilando style vacation to grow, she wants to escape her life for a moment. I don't think one is more objective or valid than the other. If he did bring his soon to be wife, then I think he can't force himself into a situation where he's vulnerable because he has his greatest comfort, her love and company, a step away the entire trip.

 

Sounds like you are incompatible. Find someone interesting.

[MrCapitalism]

Doesn't sound like the best relationship I've ever heard of. I've never known of any couple that needs to have an annual vacation 'alone.' She needs to accept that he's having at least one sexual partner per trip.

 

From your perspective I don't think you're in a situation to tell her this is wrong. She's already told you that she's fine with the arrangement. You suggested that her judgement is clouded by his wealth. You stated that her main concern is that a man provides for his family.

 

It sounds like he satisfies all of her requirements, and she's willing to look away from the holiday issue to get what she wants. Nobody is violating the non-aggression principle.

 

Again, not the best relationship. But she doesn't have noble intentions herself either.

[Jakethehuman]

Thank you for your reply and thoughts Mrcapitalism. I agree and after raising my initial concerns with her I have since accepted her decision, I just hope kids don't end up getting hurt but there's nothing more I can do.

[neeeel]

 

This is my point all of the above shit doesn't matter at all, 

 

I disagree, the above "shit" matters a great deal, and is a huge insight into the people involved and how they act.

[Jakethehuman]

I disagree, the above "shit" matters a great deal, and is a huge insight into the people involved and how they act.

 

It only matters if we are going to do group therapy for them right here on this thread, that was not the point.

 

I should have just asked is it ok to travel alone while in a relationship without the personal story, sorry about that!

I think the answer is no because you should want to share every experience that you can with your partner, and if you are going outside of the relationship to get some need fulfilled you will drift apart. Any learning or growing should be share. Most of us have to spend enough time apart during the day at work, why would you want to spend leisure time apart, especially with kids in the mix? Most importantly what exactly will you get out of travelling alone that it is impossible to get travelling together? I am just after some thoughts on whether it can be ok and if so what reasons do you have? 

[thecurrentyear]

You had your mind made up before you got here. Stop wasting our time.

[Jakethehuman]

You had your mind made up before you got here. Stop wasting our time.

Yes I did, however I understand that others can have insights that might change my mind or help me understand better, do you have any or just here to analyse?

[David Ottinger]

Either the guy is trustworthy, or he is not.  I don't think alone time is any definitive indication of either.  Or, if it is, then I don't understand why it is.  For example, two weeks alone time can be hunting/camping with a buddy.  You, nature, and a good friend to share the spoils with.  What would be wrong with that?

[Izzy]

Going on a vacation alone doesn't necessarily mean he will be cheating on her, but it definitely opens up the possibility, no matter how loyal he is. Both me and my girlfriend are introverts, we both like to socialize a few times a month and need time away from others the rest of the month. However, we don't consider time together as socializing, we think of each other as one person and feel comfortable with each others presence. 

 

If the guy is going to have kids with her, he can't take weeks off to be alone. Don't have kids if you're just going to leave them to fend for themselves. The female isn't going to be alright with this agreement in the long run. During the time he's away, she's going to have mental torture about what he's doing and that's eventually going to tear apart their relationship.

 

If I were you, I'd tell the woman not to have kids with him until they experiment with this plan for at least a year. I don't want my future taxes spent on a single mother and her fatherless children.

[dsayers]

Cheating or not, I wouldn't want a relationship with somebody that didn't want to be with me. I would want omebody who despite having a very late day herself, really appreciated the amazing conversations we had that day, the excellent self-knowledge growth I was helpful in that day, the physical connections we shared that day that even though I had to go outside to clear some snow, would want to stay up a bit later so that we could go to bed together (for example).

[Blimpmerchant]

Yes I did, however I understand that others can have insights that might change my mind or help me understand better, do you have any or just here to analyse?

Totally doesn't add up with your past actions.  Being rude to others interpretations and being defensive isn't in alignment with "anyone have insights that could change my mind?"  

 

Good luck.

[GenellanBound]

Where is he going and who is he going with?

 

If I took a week a year to go camping with a friend, that's one thing. If I go to Vegas alone, that's another. If I'm going to Pakistan or Syria, wtf.