My girlfriend has a bad family situation. Am I being unreasonable to keep bringing it up?

[ChrisN]

I've been dating a girl upwards of three years now. We generally get along very well but I have some huge problems with her family and we both agree that they're not great and we'd like to reduce their influence on our lives in the long run. They're pretty authoritarian and I watch how the mom constantly tells her brother to do things like chores and schoolwork in a borderline yelling way pointing fingers several inches from his face. There's not a lot of back and forth communication in the family - it's hierarchical.

 

I just turned 25. She's just shy of 21 and currently in the 2nd half of her undergraduate college and her parents would not permit us to live together until marriage. I don't strongly disagree with the importance of a committed relationship but my fear is that they will always be a presence in our life going forward. Meanwhile, I've already stopped talking to my own family (~1 year ago) because of the way the treated me during my childhood with no genuine apology or reparations to date yet based on what I've seen in the family and heard from her, I imagine that she and her brother had it even worse in her household.

 

We've already discussed possible answers to the problem. Currently it would involve giving her parents the marriage their looking for (involves inviting them to the wedding as well as many of her relatives), then telling them that we would like to reduce their presence in our life. This would be more of a soft break as opposed to a hard one where we go against their wishes and break ties after something like a verbal argument. One problem I have with the soft approach is that I'm not sure that would be enough to really remove them and also that in the long run it does little to make the situation better. A family that got told offhandedly to shove it would feel more or less the same as a family where you walked out the door and stopped taking phone calls, right? In addition, giving them the privilefge of dictating wedding terms and how our relationship goes does seem a bit self-defeating. We've talked about it a handful of times to various lengths but when I bring it up now, she tends to get annoyed. She points out that there's no point in talking about something that we've already reached our solution on. She doesn't want to keep them close in the long run but admits that there's little that we could do about it now without stirring up a hornets nest.

 

Am I right to keep bringing up something that I have a problem with when I don't have any other solution (since basically it's get married or she has to stay with her family)? Values wise I clearly have an internal problem stomaching having her family in my life. In a way, I think when I keep bringing it up it's a plead for her to cut ties but it would be incredibly discomforting for her to do that in her life at the moment (if at all).

 

Probably worth mentioning that the same kind of frustration and annoyance seems to come out from her when I rant too heavily about the state of the world and politics which I've been pretty passionate about lately.

[taraelizabeth21]

So sorry to hear about this situation, Chris! That's such a difficult problem. In this instance, though, I do think you're being pushed around. Her family is pushing her around and then subsequently she's pushing you around. What is her financial situation at this point? Are her parents supporting her? If so, that can make the situation a whole lot more difficult for you.

 

Being 20 and just about to graduate college isn't exactly a stable point in general for young people, but I'm not sure what her major is or what her plans are. If she has a clear vision for herself and a plan to support herself outside of college, and she's still clinging to her family regardless, there might be a chance that she'll come around to seeing things your way if you stand your ground.

 

But also, she's about five years younger than you, which just adds another layer of complexity to the situation. She's had five less years to encounter these ideas and grapple with them, so she might just not be mature enough or emotionally prepared to process what you're saying.

 

When I've encountered similar situations in the past I've told the other person that I don't like the way that the family is treating them, and that it makes me angry to see them be abused. That approach tends to make the person feel less attacked while also communicating how frustrated you are with the situation. 

 

But, if your girlfriend is both financially AND emotionally dependent on abusive parents and unwilling to sever one or both of these ties despite the negative impact its having on your relationship, you might want to consider ending it. From what you've said, it seems like there's significant pressure on you to get married to her just to continue the relationship, but at the same time you don't really have a say over how and when that happens. You mentioned that if you get married, her parents HAVE to be involved, but that should not be what is going on. Getting married is probably the biggest decision you will ever make, and you want to be on equal terms with your partner when negotiating that. It's between you and her--not her and her abusive family. I just can't help but feel like you're really getting the short end of the stick, here.

[Drew.]

At 21 and in college, to receive financial aid, a student must provide information regarding their parents income, unless if they meet one of a few conditions. For her schooling, she will still have some kind of attachment and connection to her parents. To make a hard break might threaten her ability to continue pursuing school (with ease). That would definitely stir up a hornets nest in her life.

 

With what Tara has said, I think that it is important to talk about how you feel witnessing her family treat her, but at the same time, it would also be important to inquire about how she feels about it too. I know that I have had relationships where I do not like how my friend is being treated. When I express this, sometimes they try to manage my feelings (Oh, don't be angry! It's not really your concern. I can handle it. Etc.), but what matters is really how she feels about these encounters. I don't know if breaking is truly what is best for her, but she won't do it if she doesn't feel like it's a good decision to do so.

 

If she's living with her family, then they are a huge part of her world right now. When people move out, they gain a great deal of independence. They discover that they can take care of themselves and are less reliant on their family. So, that is a factor to consider too. If she is living with her parents now, any kind of tension or conflict will be really destabilizing to her. Maybe she's just not ready to deal with that now. I don't think that trying to force a decision will be helpful (don't get married so that you two can live together).

[ChrisN]

Thanks for the responses. We did talk things out again. Mostly what it comes down to is that we recognize that the family is abusive and cannot be brought over to the side of genuine apologies and change, but that it would be catastrophic to just up and leave at once. She is financially tied to the family more so than emotionally but has been moving in the direction of being able to fund herself.

 

At the moment, I and her agree that the best way to exit the situation would be to keep them involved until marriage and slowly drift apart rather than to cause a period of great tension and effectively isolating her previous connections all at once. I understand that philosophically it's not good to keep abusers around but in this case I'm concerned that I would cause far more harm than good by being totally honest with dishonest people.

 

In this situation, would it actually be the just thing to do to appease the family until the means and situation were better to move on in a less directly confrontational manner. I guess in some ways it could be compared to handling prison guards and the like - lying or misleading evil people who will certainly do you harm (spreading rumors in the local community, getting relatives involved, verbal attacks, and hopefully nothing worse than that). So in the end it - if we continue long term - it might be better to accept the marriage peace offering down the road as a price to be paid and keep our opinion private to prevent more traumatic conflict.

 

Anyone see any flaws in that logic? Thanks again for taking interest in what's going on here.

[meetjoeblack]

I learned the lesson from a friend and from a cousin. If you let parents come into the relationship and divide you two, it will end terribly. Input, advice, suggestions are great. The second someone comes into your house and begins to create a toxic environment in your home or relationship, you show them to the door. If the girl is going to let it happe, she can go with too.

[Copper_Heart]

In this situation, would it actually be the just thing to do to appease the family until the means and situation were better to move on in a less directly confrontational manner. I guess in some ways it could be compared to handling prison guards and the like - lying or misleading evil people who will certainly do you harm (spreading rumors in the local community, getting relatives involved, verbal attacks, and hopefully nothing worse than that). So in the end it - if we continue long term - it might be better to accept the marriage peace offering down the road as a price to be paid and keep our opinion private to prevent more traumatic conflict.

 

Anyone see any flaws in that logic? Thanks again for taking interest in what's going on here.

It may be my hypersensitivity, but to me seams it's more important at this stage in life to work on communication issues with your OH. Again, that's my opinion and I would expect some one to correct me on that, so don't take it to seriously. Yet, there seems to be some problem in communication between you two: you talk about an issue that worries you and she gets annoyed. Now that seems like something might be missing in your communication.

 

I don't know what it is, but there is some "issue" that must be understood and fixed by itself. Because if you are "worried to much", then why? I don't think like giving marriage over to this people is any good. Maybe you to want to draw a line in the sand. I mean this people may fight against you for the rest of their life. Is that what worries you? Can we know what is exactly your anxiety about without touching your OH's perspectives?.