Interested in a single mother...

[mmillerj]

If there is a thread that covers this topic in detail, please link. I can't find anything but videos and I'd rather read.

 

So the tldr, there is this cute girl I've been interested in for awhile. She is a single parent. (High-school pregnancy) I do not know the whole story or her childhood. I do know that she is great to talk to and I would value her friendship if I decide not to bring this up. Is there an exception to this rule, what do i look for?

 

Or should I just steer clear and ignore my penis. Because I do believe I'm trying to reason my way into her pants....

[aviet]

Or should I just steer clear and ignore my penis. Because I do believe I'm trying to reason my way into her pants....

 

You've laid out your motives pretty clearly, which is much more honest and analytical than most people.

 

It doesn't sound like you plan on being around long, which as an attractive single-mother, is the kind of thing she absolutely needs to repel if she is the better herself.

[inquirius]

What you appear to be looking for are people to justify your involvement with a single mother, which is illustrative of exactly why you should not get involved with her and instead, seriously investigate why you think involving yourself with a single mother is at all acceptable.    

 

I'm not going to list reasons why you shouldn't get involved with a single mother, as the reasons are self-evident and you're not thinking rationally.  The most I can do is suggest that you educate yourself on the topic.

 

I don't even know why you would be attracted to a single mother.  Surely you can find ass that isn't attached to extremely bad life decisions.

[adamNJ]

Is there an exception to this rule

 

Yes there is.

 

1) Rape victim

2) Widow

[dsayers]

So the tldr, there is this cute girl I've been interested in for awhile. She is a single parent. (High-school pregnancy) I do not know the whole story or her childhood.

I think it is reckless to be "interested in" somebody you don't know about their childhood. How much have you pursued self-knowledge? How much do you value it?

 

Yes there is.

 

1) Rape victim

2) Widow

I recently found myself at the doorstep of a timeline that might've led to being involved with a women who already had children. I had previously declared that to be a deal-breaker, but I wanted to revisit that policy to see if I still felt the same way. Upon consideration, I concluded that one of two things is going to be true: Either she is a good parent or she is not. If she's not a good parent, then I wouldn't want her even as a friend. If she is, then she's going to have a relationship with her children that would supersede me. I'm not okay with being a 3rd wheel so to speak.

 

So for me, already having children would be a no go, even if she was a rape victim and/or a widow. I'd love to hear what others think about this.

[Gemini23]

Here is the best answer I can give you.  First, I am the product of divorce.  It was pretty damaging emotionally to have step-fathers (more than one) through out my child hood.

 

Second, if you are wanting to date a single mother, I would ask why?  Are there no other single girls in the pool around you? 

 

I dated two single mothers when I was younger.  I didn't have kids and had never been married.  I would say that it is a very difficult road to travel just to get into a girl's pants.  And their are plenty of women out there with less baggage.  You also should consider your responsibility as a male role model in that child's life.  Whether you like that or not.  A child is innocent and can not help the situation they are being raised in.

 

In both instances, despite my best effort to avoid it, the single mothers used their sons to inadvertently vet me.  That never sat well with me.  I felt it wasn't fair to those children to have them get to know me if the relationship wasn't going to last and become something solid and permanent (marriage perhaps) in the future.  

 

We all make bad decisions in life.  Some worse than others.  But in my experience of dating and with observing certain members of my own family, most people do not break bad cycles or bad decision making patterns.  It takes a lot of effort and will power.  You need to be looking for someone that is your equal.  What I mean by that is, if you are a single father then a single mother might be a perfectly healthy and rewarding relationship.  You both are in the same circumstances and understand the challenges of it.  You might be able to integrate your families down the road as well.  So IMHO, you need to be looking for someone that is on the same path as you.  Equal footing.  Put that goal above all else and you may find the right woman to be your co-pilot.

 

Luckily, I met my wife after dating a lot of the wrong girls and for the wrong reasons.  We have wonderful kids and a pretty good life.  I had a lot more baggage than my wife to be sure, but we have been able to weather every storm and do our best to raise healthy and well adjusted kids.

[mmillerj]

Yeah it was my dick doing the thinking for me, if the father was not around/alive/she's a widow then maybe... because I do want a family I'd love to be a father and have a caring wife. But I don't think this will work, because if i did take her I fully intend to be the father, but what if her daughter won't see me as a father? I don't think that would be a good environment for the kid. And for me as a man I'd like to instil my values and raise her to be a good person. And I just don't think I can raise a child that isn't mine/already has a father present.

 

So I'd like to thank you all very much;) I'll watch that video on my way home from work today.

[Tyler H]

I think it is reckless to be "interested in" somebody you don't know about their childhood. How much have you pursued self-knowledge? How much do you value it?

 

 

I recently found myself at the doorstep of a timeline that might've led to being involved with a women who already had children. I had previously declared that to be a deal-breaker, but I wanted to revisit that policy to see if I still felt the same way. Upon consideration, I concluded that one of two things is going to be true: Either she is a good parent or she is not. If she's not a good parent, then I wouldn't want her even as a friend. If she is, then she's going to have a relationship with her children that would supersede me. I'm not okay with being a 3rd wheel so to speak.

 

So for me, already having children would be a no go, even if she was a rape victim and/or a widow. I'd love to hear what others think about this.

I tend to agree, but I'm not sure what the family dynamic is in this regard for the traditional family. Would the relationship with the child (in the traditional marriage setting) supersede the marital relationship in any way, or is it more of a cohesive unit that bonds all three individuals in an equal way? I still think the extra time to bond between the single mother and child will inevitably create a relationship that will be forever stronger than any new relationship. Then could that be said of the marital relationship prior to the child? It's a quandary.

[aviet]

If she's not a good parent, then I wouldn't want her even as a friend. If she is, then she's going to have a relationship with her children that would supersede me. I'm not okay with being a 3rd wheel so to speak.

 

So for me, already having children would be a no go, even if she was a rape victim and/or a widow. I'd love to hear what others think about this.

I'd not thought of it in those terms, but as they are presented, would agree. Dating sites are full of profiles starting with something like, "I have a special little boy. If you can't handle it then look elsewhere." and "I have three children and they are the most important thing in the world to me." This is a big barrier to surmount. The only way to do it would probably be to make the children like your own.

 

As I see it there are some unhealthy themes driving relationships with single mothers:

 

- potentially easy target for short-term relationships or 'one thing'

- an opportunity to trade up to a more attractive model on account of the kid(s) reducing her market value

- just seeing it as a low barrier to entry

 

For me, as someone who would like a Catholic-eqsue number of my own children, brought up from day one with my philosophical approach, pre-existing children are an insurmountable barrier to entry.

[D-Light]

There's something I don't understand about this discussion. It seems that there's a disconnect when it comes to principles that makes no sense to me, so perhaps someone can explain to me what I'm missing.

 

A woman makes a series of mistakes in High School resulting in pregnancy and a child. Apparently she chose to keep and raise the child. That's all we know. So all we can do from here is suggest a principled course of action or a dogmatic one.  I favor the principled approach.

 

What principles govern the situation?

 

A parent has a responsibility for the physical safety and physical, psychological, and emotional well-being of the child.

A parent has a responsibility for the mental stimulation and intellectual, emotional, and ethical education of their child.

Single parents, especially young, inexperienced, uneducated, and unprincipled parents generally do a bad job at parenting a child as compared to parents in long-term, healthy, committed relationships.

 

It seems to me, then, it is a very responsible thing for a young single parent to seek out a virtuous man to help her raise her child. Such a man must be financially able to support or at least measurably contribute to the support of the family. Such a man must NOT be a danger to the safety and security of the woman or her child. Such a man must be ready, able, and willing to make a long-term commitment in raising a child that is not their own biological offspring as if that child were their own biological offspring.

 

The real question then is: Is the OP such a man. Can he truly claim to be such a man? If so, and if she is such a woman, then there is nothing wrong with pursuing such a relationship; in fact, it would be highly beneficial to all involved. Unfortunately, however, this is generally not the typical situation.

 

Typically, the young single mother does not have the intelligence or wisdom to identify the best man for her to be with (as evidenced by the existence of the child). Typically, she will make a series of similar mistakes as she experiments in order to obtain the wisdom she needs and ought to have received from wiser friends, parents, family members, books, etc. Typically the type of men such a woman will attract are not ready, able or willing to be parent to the child.

 

As a general rule, this pairing is a bad idea, simply based on the general tendencies of the people involved in such demographics. However, if both persons are not typical, the general rule would not apply.

[dsayers]

I tend to agree, but I'm not sure what the family dynamic is in this regard for the traditional family. Would the relationship with the child (in the traditional marriage setting) supersede the marital relationship in any way, or is it more of a cohesive unit that bonds all three individuals in an equal way? I still think the extra time to bond between the single mother and child will inevitably create a relationship that will be forever stronger than any new relationship. Then could that be said of the marital relationship prior to the child? It's a quandary.

My thoughts (which have been backed up by people I trust) are that the parent's relationship with the child is paramount. It has to be because the child is amid an enormous power disparity. If it wasn't, then if one parent was mistreating the child, their partner's priorities would be to side with the abuser. I cannot accept any line of thought that ends in this conclusion. That's why it's important (to me) that I bond with the mother before the children are present. That way we have the foundation that not only ensures those children are cared for right from the start, but also to make sure that as our relationship with the child is a higher priority, this will not lead to any suffering of the relationship with your partner.

 

What do you think?

[inquirius]

There's something I don't understand about this discussion. It seems that there's a disconnect when it comes to principles that makes no sense to me, so perhaps someone can explain to me what I'm missing.

 

A woman makes a series of mistakes in High School resulting in pregnancy and a child. Apparently she chose to keep and raise the child. That's all we know. So all we can do from here is suggest a principled course of action or a dogmatic one.  I favor the principled approach.

 

What principles govern the situation?

 

A parent has a responsibility for the physical safety and physical, psychological, and emotional well-being of the child.

A parent has a responsibility for the mental stimulation and intellectual, emotional, and ethical education of their child.

Single parents, especially young, inexperienced, uneducated, and unprincipled parents generally do a bad job at parenting a child as compared to parents in long-term, healthy, committed relationships.

 

It seems to me, then, it is a very responsible thing for a young single parent to seek out a virtuous man to help her raise her child. Such a man must be financially able to support or at least measurably contribute to the support of the family. Such a man must NOT be a danger to the safety and security of the woman or her child. Such a man must be ready, able, and willing to make a long-term commitment in raising a child that is not their own biological offspring as if that child were their own biological offspring.

 

The real question then is: Is the OP such a man. Can he truly claim to be such a man? If so, and if she is such a woman, then there is nothing wrong with pursuing such a relationship; in fact, it would be highly beneficial to all involved. Unfortunately, however, this is generally not the typical situation.

 

Typically, the young single mother does not have the intelligence or wisdom to identify the best man for her to be with (as evidenced by the existence of the child). Typically, she will make a series of similar mistakes as she experiments in order to obtain the wisdom she needs and ought to have received from wiser friends, parents, family members, books, etc. Typically the type of men such a woman will attract are not ready, able or willing to be parent to the child.

 

As a general rule, this pairing is a bad idea, simply based on the general tendencies of the people involved in such demographics. However, if both persons are not typical, the general rule would not apply.

 

While meager in either case, there is no benefit a single mother can bestow on a man that a childless single female cannot better provide.

[Tyler H]

My thoughts (which have been backed up by people I trust) are that the parent's relationship with the child is paramount. It has to be because the child is amid an enormous power disparity. If it wasn't, then if one parent was mistreating the child, their partner's priorities would be to side with the abuser. I cannot accept any line of thought that ends in this conclusion. That's why it's important (to me) that I bond with the mother before the children are present. That way we have the foundation that not only ensures those children are cared for right from the start, but also to make sure that as our relationship with the child is a higher priority, this will not lead to any suffering of the relationship with your partner.

 

What do you think?

I certainly agree. The salient point in my view being the proper investment in building the foundation that makes possible a happy home.

[adamNJ]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awSB3MULn-4

Ann Coulter on Single Mothers
 

[meetjoeblack]

If there is a thread that covers this topic in detail, please link. I can't find anything but videos and I'd rather read.

 

So the tldr, there is this cute girl I've been interested in for awhile. She is a single parent. (High-school pregnancy) I do not know the whole story or her childhood. I do know that she is great to talk to and I would value her friendship if I decide not to bring this up. Is there an exception to this rule, what do i look for?

 

Or should I just steer clear and ignore my penis. Because I do believe I'm trying to reason my way into her pants....

Don't do it.

 

Watch Molyneux - Truth about Single moms or any of the gene warfare R vs K reproduction podcasts. Very lengthy but highly informative.

 

I went out with this girl. I came over and she suggested a movie. She just wanted to fool around. I later found out she had a kid. I didn't know her long and she was giving me a bj. I think we hung out maybe three times. I then saw her on social media with guys and guys kissing up on her and it was the reason why Molyneux suggests otherwise.

 

I stopped talking to her entirely. She then made it out like I am the bad guy despite her promiscuity. We weren't a couple but, she was very shady and I cannot be bothered. I also do not want to work around sitters or be the guy paying for some kid.