CalebSC Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I want some opinions about a guy writing a letter to a girl as a way of opening up to dating. You know, like in grade school. I'm in my mid-20s and I haven't been on many dates at all since I was in middle school. I have always approached women by walking right up to them and engaging with them face to face and I've been turned down more times than I can even remember. But this is always the way I've done it, until recently. Recently I met a girl and then looked her up on facebook and started communicating with her. It didn't lead anywhere, but it got me pondering the possibilities that written words could open up for me. Right now there's a woman I want to talk to. To open up communication with her, I'll have to either go to where she works or look her up on facebook. I really, really don't want to go up and do the face to face thing, because I know how I feel when I get turned away and leave with nothing, and it doesn't feel good. And I don't want to put myself in that situation at this time with this girl; or perhaps ever again. I've done it quite enough and it's a trauma that I'm no longer interested in repeating. So what I think I might do is just write a letter on a sheet of notebook paper, walk in and hand it to her, and wait for the text or call, and go from there. This primarily serves the purpose of avoiding the crushing feeling of being turned away (again), but it also functions as effective communication. I can get across what I want to say without feeling under pressure, as I would if I were standing there talking. It will also be more personal than going the facebook route, which is good. So guys and gals, please leave your thoughts and opinions below. I'll appreciate it. Thanks. 1
aviet Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 If you understand anything about sexual market value and attraction - this is a bad idea on just about every fundamental level. If somebody wanted to be my friend, lacked the confidence to talk to me directly and just handed me a letter - I'd likely just throw it out and not even bother to read it. Why aren't quality women simply flocking to you? Answer that question and address it and you'll have one hell of a life even outside of personal relationships. What sort of things can a man can do to provide value to a quality woman? 1
Will Torbald Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 I want some opinions about a guy writing a letter to a girl as a way of opening up to dating. You know, like in grade school. I'm in my mid-20s and I haven't been on many dates at all since I was in middle school. I have always approached women by walking right up to them and engaging with them face to face and I've been turned down more times than I can even remember. So guys and gals, please leave your thoughts and opinions below. I'll appreciate it. Thanks. Don't. Why do you want to date women? 2
thebeardslastcall Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Women are the ones with the eggs and the ones who mother the children. You need to make yourself capable of supporting a family and providing a stable and safe home environment where she will want to live with you and be able to. Beyond that just make yourself pleasant company and show you can be a loving father and husband. Then you can confidently approach a woman knowing you're offering her a relationship she'd want to be in. 1
RichardY Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Talk to her directly. Go with what you have experience with, plus quicker and cleaner. I like the idea of something like a pen friend though. As it would give you a way of getting to know someone better, put your thoughts in order. The problem might be distances, ages,availability (but, perhaps they know someone), topics, as well as the time spent writing, plus in the western world what type of girl actually writes letters anymore etc. (can Skype them though). 1
Wuzzums Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Women like confidence. You said you wanted to send a letter because you lack confidence. For the love of god and all that is holy, don't send her a letter unless you wanna eliminate any chance you might have with this woman. 2
aviet Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 Women are the ones with the eggs and the ones who mother the children. You need to make yourself capable of supporting a family and providing a stable and safe home environment where she will want to live with you and be able to. Beyond that just make yourself pleasant company and show you can be a loving father and husband. Then you can confidently approach a woman knowing you're offering her a relationship she'd want to be in. The problem is though, fewer women are interested in this, at least until they are about thirty, by which point they may be jaded with pink hair and a lifetime membership to the Green Party. This is born out by statistics on wage, by gender, by age group. The gender pay gap is getting smaller, because more women are becoming like men. Women are taking on the socio-biological role you are describing; at which point men become less valuable, as more women can provide for themselves what men used to provide. I saw a survey that showed while many men are still happy with a woman who is just attractive; many women are now demanding a man who is more intelligent, better paid, more confident and better looking. And since so many have probably become used to sleeping around with better looking men in their 20s, they don't see why that should not continue as their physical value declines, while men don't care much about their economic viability. What you outline is not particularly relevant to these women, nor these large number of girls who just want to have fun. 1
thebeardslastcall Posted January 2, 2017 Posted January 2, 2017 There's no pleasing unreasonable women and thus what's relevant to an irrelevant woman doesn't much matter. You just need to be viable for a reasonable woman and then find places where you have better odds of finding a reasonable woman and asking them out until you find a keeper who isn't just screwing around. Edit: I say "just", but I actually have no idea how to find a reasonable partner. That's a real challenge these days. There's a lot of crazy and deranged people out there and finding a decent person that has matching values is not easy and you'll likely have to make some compromises to mate.
Troubador Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 Understand in truth you are not being rejected, simply in that moment in time in the briefest of social interactions someone is choosing not to pursue a conversation with you. You don't know their frame of mind, what sort of day they are having. Cultivate a bit more of a zen like attitude, if you hit it off with someone then great, if not then c'est la vie! Also just work in acquiring general social confidence, if your objective is to try to meet and connect with quality people you take a great deal of immediate pressure off. Casting a wider net means you will also come into contact with people you could be romantically attracted to. Being socially at ease will also mean you will find women may actually end up approaching albeit not in the same way as men tend to hit on women. There is a time and a place for the written word, but you need a little context i.e. Knowing someone a little bit first. 1
dayna j. Posted January 3, 2017 Posted January 3, 2017 I would respond much more favorably to someone contacting me through social media and gradually building a rapport. If a man I've never met approached me to give me a note and then walked off, I would find that to be intimidating/creepy and would likely be afraid that I am being stalked. 1
CalebSC Posted January 3, 2017 Author Posted January 3, 2017 I'm glad I posted this question here. I'm not going the note route... 1
adamNJ Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 I'm glad I posted this question here. I'm not going the note route... You mention you met her recently. Why do you like this woman so much?
meetjoeblack Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 A letter is a bad idea. You will be the pun of her joke, some pity party narrative to her victimhood when out with friends, and commentary for alphas. Approach her. If you are not confident or man enough to do so, you do not deserve her. I approach a lot. With it, you date more but, you get more rejections too. Its a numbers game. Sadly, with tinder and online dating, its hypergamy, its dating olympics, its people discontent looking to date up, and find a better mate. You are competing in this dating field whether you like it or not. I watched on NYE, many of the beautiful women out were with investment bankers, wealthy business men, and the rich. This is what a woman gets for being beautiful. Value placed on her sexual market value. A man's is based upon looks, resources, assets, lifestyle. Add value.
brucethecollie Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 A well written note would be awesome AFTER you've started dating someone. Just as a way of explaining some things in a way that she could re-read and enjoy when you aren't around. If you are one to be good with words, use your gift! But just after you already have shown the confidence involved in approaching her face to face and asking her out and seeing her a few times. 1
CalebSC Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 You mention you met her recently. Why do you like this woman so much? She's a former coworker of mine. We don't really know each other but we're used to each other's presence. Now I don't work there anymore but I drop in from time to time. My interest in her is based on just what I can see with my eyes, as I do not actually know anything about her life other than what her job is. I am attracted to her physically, she is roughly my age, and she looks about as good as me so we probably rank the same on the physical attractiveness scale. And also, my trained eye hasn't been able to detect anything wrong with her. When I use my trained eye, I can often detect personality flaws of people within seconds of looking at them. I've known her for a little while now and I haven't really detected anything wrong with her. That being said, I do often pursue a woman even after I have detected significant personality flaws. I just make a point to always be aware of the problems I may run into because of that. Now I know I'm about to get a bunch of people replying, "Oh, you said you would pursue a woman that you know has problems! You shouldn't do that! That means you don't have confidence!". Well, the way I see it is that emotional intelligence has to develop and grow somehow, and I don't believe that my willingness to go after someone who has problems is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it is a bad thing, but at least I don't delude myself and make myself blind to the problems as if they don't exist. That's a complex issue that I could elaborate more on... But back to the woman I was thinking about writing a note to... She doesn't seem to really have any personality flaws. The word spotless comes to mind. But she isn't a bright shining epitome of courage either from what I can tell. I'm just guessing. I want a relationship. I don't want my future to look like my past. I'll deal with my past hopefully when I start therapy. I have my first appointment for therapy booked with a choice therapist. I don't want to show up to a relationship with a bunch of baggage from my past. By baggage I mean emotional wounds and broken heart. I've really slowed down on chasing women since I've booked my therapy appointment... And as for people who are telling me that I should just get more confidence and actually walk up to women, should go back and read my comment more carefully. I have walked up to women face to face and asked them out more times than I can count. Probably a good chance that I've taken that approach more times that you all have. There is no gimmicky trick that's going to help me with that because the issue is much deeper and more psychological.
CalebSC Posted January 4, 2017 Author Posted January 4, 2017 We chatted today and had our first actual conversation. She's curious about me and asked me a little bit about myself. It was a brief pleasant conversation. I'm not making any moves yet though. My sense of timing I think is something that gets me in trouble a lot. I don't know how fast or how slow I should move... 1
dayna j. Posted January 4, 2017 Posted January 4, 2017 We chatted today and had our first actual conversation. She's curious about me and asked me a little bit about myself. Nice job. 1
Dylan Lawrence Moore Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 We chatted today and had our first actual conversation. She's curious about me and asked me a little bit about myself. It was a brief pleasant conversation. I'm not making any moves yet though. My sense of timing I think is something that gets me in trouble a lot. I don't know how fast or how slow I should move... Start up a conversation again and ask her point blank to dinner. Most men have had their balls snipped via things like feminism telling them it's aggressive and bad to do just that, so she will probably be pleasantly surprised when you do. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dFlPL6iRE7k 1
thecurrentyear Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 Start up a conversation again and ask her point blank to dinner. Most men have had their balls snipped via things like feminism telling them it's aggressive and bad to do just that, so she will probably be pleasantly surprised when you do. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dFlPL6iRE7k Echoing this. I was in a coffee shop recently when a young man struck up a conversation with the barista, asked her for a few restaurant recommendations and directions on how to get to them. Then said, "I normally don't ever do this, but I was wondering what time you get off work and if you'd like to come with me to that restaurant?" I didn't hear her exact response, but I heard her immediately bragging about the encounter to her friends, and she sounded immensely pleased by it. He came back in later and appeared to be waiting for her, so I assume he was successful. 1
meetjoeblack Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 We chatted today and had our first actual conversation. She's curious about me and asked me a little bit about myself. It was a brief pleasant conversation. I'm not making any moves yet though. My sense of timing I think is something that gets me in trouble a lot. I don't know how fast or how slow I should move... Huge mistake. You basically are shooting yourself in the foot. If you are going to stand, don't wobble. You like her? Now, chat her up. Flirt. Don't be obnoxious. No Ron Burgundy, "I want to be on you," or Brock Lesnar, "I am going home to mount my wife." Your rational male mind is what will hurt you. Women respond to feelings. Be enthusiastic, high energy, memorable, and make her feel something. Get a reaction without being too try hard. Based upon what you wrote, even what you deem as being obnoxious is likely opening your mouth and low talking. You wont get slapped. Play it cool and be confident. Chat. If she brings up her New Years or yours, have some genuine conversation. If she brings up a bar or club, a party or anything presume interest, and take that as a invite. After four encounters, acquire digits and move forward or move on.
meetjoeblack Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 Echoing this. I was in a coffee shop recently when a young man struck up a conversation with the barista, asked her for a few restaurant recommendations and directions on how to get to them. Then said, "I normally don't ever do this, but I was wondering what time you get off work and if you'd like to come with me to that restaurant?" I didn't hear her exact response, but I heard her immediately bragging about the encounter to her friends, and she sounded immensely pleased by it. He came back in later and appeared to be waiting for her, so I assume he was successful. Its better then Tinder lol There is a element of randomness. I picked up a few baristas before. Again, you talk to them like you already know her. No awkwardness that way. Then, more convo and flirty chatter that is still subtle. It never works for me to be aggressive. To hit on someone. It just seems out of character so, what I found works for me is, leaving the mystery on context for her to figure it out. She is not new to dating. One girl and I talked about a local bar. I said we should do drinks and I took her number. Another one, I told a barista i would see her later and the barista said, "I hope so." I took her number the next time I seen her. They all work at the same place lol There is another one there that I want now too lol 1
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