Why do I think every major life decision was the wrong one?

[DaVinci]

I know that it is easy to look back with clarity after the fact, but I find myself reflecting on the overwhelming majority of my big life decisions and thinking about how none of them were the right move. 

 

I should have moved out the day I turned 18 rather than waiting a few years. I should have gone to college earlier, or I shouldn't have gone at all. I should have distanced myself from my family much sooner than I did. etc. 

 

I certainly don't think anything is wrong with being critical of myself and my behavior, but I'm struggling with the sense of loss that is coming from looking back and realizing how far off my ideal path I wandered. 

 

Granted, I spent the first 18 years of my life with parents who didn't care and effectively drove me down a bad path that I have to correct for, but in that correcting it seems like I've made every terrible choice possible.

 

Am I being too harsh on myself? I'm obviously still trying to get my life going in the direction I want, but is there a way to not get set into the "freeze" mindset because I now want to second guess every big decision? Does anyone else look back on their big decisions and think the same things as me? If not, how did you determine "That path I chose was the right one"?

[Nima]

I've also looked back at major decisions, and I've again and again concluded that on the big decisions it seems like I would have done it again, but I'm still open to changing my mind on that.

 

You are now hyper vigilant about your life choices and I think that can be helpful, but what I'm wondering is: were you as hyper vigilant at the time you made all the choices you now deem bad, or were you much more confident that you were doing the right thing in the moment?

[DaVinci]

I've also looked back at major decisions, and I've again and again concluded that on the big decisions it seems like I would have done it again, but I'm still open to changing my mind on that.

 

You are now hyper vigilant about your life choices and I think that can be helpful, but what I'm wondering is: were you as hyper vigilant at the time you made all the choices you now deem bad, or were you much more confident that you were doing the right thing in the moment?

 

Thanks for the response!

 

Some of those choices, like going to school, I was confident about. I saw people no smarter than me getting much better jobs than me because they had a degree. Not even a specialized degree. Just the fact that they had a degree put them above everyone else because a degree essentially meant you were responsible, intelligent etc. So that's something I didn't waver on. I didn't see a future in dead-end retail jobs or grueling work for low pay. The problem there is I look back and it hasn't paid off, in part because of how much college is government subsidized which has de-valued it tremendously. I would have been better off working my butt off and investing my money in gold. Maybe even panning for gold!

 

Other choices I wasn't so confident about. Moving away from home was a scary prospect for me at 18. I wouldn't have known what to do. Not that I act completely irresponsible, but I do have a tendency to procrastinate on simple stuff and then make hasty decisions. I had a hard time paying bills when I was younger. I would get a bill and then just throw it in a pile of papers and eventually whatever it was would get sent to collections, even though I generally had the money to pay the bill, even if it took me down to zero. Something about paying the bill made me freeze up. I think I thought "well, if I pay this bill and drop to zero I can't do anything else. I can't have fun. I can't buy something I want. I can't improve my life. I can't save up. Nothing." There was a period where I was working to pay bills to get to work to pay bills, and I hated it. Looking back I think living at home after 18 enabled me to end up in that kind of a cycle. Though the alternative at the time with my lack of skills and education was 'get multiple jobs' to support my own place, but I might have become more independent quicker, even though I still would have been working to pay bills to get to work to pay bills in that scenario, which is why I look back on that decision (to stay at home) with more regret. I might have gained much more self confidence and independence in my abilities much sooner if I took the plunge to leave. 

 

Essentially I look back at all of my decisions and whether I was confident in them or not, none of my decisions seem to have payed off yet. It's like I can't see a direct correlation between making a decision and success. Or making a decision with a clear cut gain. I paid 5 dollars and got back 20. It's more like I'm just betting on black and hoping the wheel stops in my favor. There aren't any "right" or "correct" decisions. Just guesses and chance.  

[Ninja]

If the reason you feel that your past is a source of regret is that you are not content with your present state then it's possible that the reason you feel regret is because you're seeking a solution to your present dissatisfaction.

 

Regretting the past may not be the most effective method of acquiring what is essential for your satisfaction with the present.

 

If you can find the reasons you feel disable you from creating your ideal present state then you can work through the ideologies you use to ease the negative feelings associated with achieving success until you find a reason to feel empowered to aspire to meet the standards you have for contentment.

 

When you are content with the present you will find the reasons for regretting the past are absent.

 

This is easier said than done. In many ways the process of building confidence is essential to the human experience along with the fact that ideas always require less of us than the act of translating them into waking life.

[Drew.]

It sounds like self-doubt to me. That's one of the trickier defense mechanisms that I've had to work on in myself. What does the "right move" for a choice even mean?

[DaVinci]

It sounds like self-doubt to me. That's one of the trickier defense mechanisms that I've had to work on in myself. What does the "right move" for a choice even mean?

 

I think what I'm looking for is some kind of an upward climb. A savings account that grows. Money to be able to invest. My own house that I owe no money on and isn't bound to any other person. etc. A forward momentum rather than just sort of staying afloat but never really gaining traction. I look back on past decisions that at the time I thought would give me that momentum, but they didn't and so I find myself basically in the same space. So in this case I think a "right move" would have probably been doing the thing which would have made me more independent and successful way sooner. 

[Drew.]

I think what I'm looking for is some kind of an upward climb. A savings account that grows. Money to be able to invest. My own house that I owe no money on and isn't bound to any other person. etc. A forward momentum rather than just sort of staying afloat but never really gaining traction. I look back on past decisions that at the time I thought would give me that momentum, but they didn't and so I find myself basically in the same space. So in this case I think a "right move" would have probably been doing the thing which would have made me more independent and successful way sooner. 

 

In my mind, what you have shared is conclusion-oriented thinking. We are taught that we should be happy/proud/loved/etc by the things that we accomplish. If we have accomplished nothing, then we will not receive that positive regard. If we lose what we have accomplished (even after a happy, successful life) it would still follow that that positive regard would be retracted.

 

Also, this standard seems unreasonable to me. We always do what we believe to be best for ourselves based on the information provided. This standard is demanding prescience of you, which is entirely inhuman and therefore to achieve it would run against your nature as a human being--the thing that generates unhappiness.

[CaliforniaCoaster]

I'm also having this problem DaVinci. 


Personally I think it may come from a sort of vanity. That I see myself as being someone that will be something great one day, where as my environment and current struggles suggest I must have made a mistake somewhere along the way. For instance, I set myself up to work on wall street through my education, and I'm not getting and replies from even local financial firms for job offers. Which then leads me in my current situation to sit and think "Man, I must have fucked up somewhere along the line. This whole wallstreet life is a con, and I should have just used my savings to pay for a coding school so I could be making more money."

So I agree with the other posters about it being from self-doubt. I'm currently also struggling a lot with it and don't know how to improve.