S1988 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Hello, I'm a new member here on FDR even though I've been a lurker for the past couple of years. What drew me to the site was its support for homeschooling, peaceful parenting, and a society without government. I'm currently estranged from my family (for the second time) because of how I was treated during my childhood and early adult years. I once stayed with my mother after a four-year estrangement when I needed financial help only to have been treated like a bad child/therapist/slave daughter she could be nice to sometimes. After a year and three months, I was able to move out. I've been giving my mother, my main abuser the silent treatment for the past two years, and I think she got the hint that I no longer want her in my life, but apparently her henchmen, aka my golden older siblings, haven't been deterred much by my refusal to speak to them. They're no longer in my life, either, because they defend her, make excuses for her, are advocates of punitive parenting, and don't like me becoming my own person. About eight years ago, my brother insulted me for criticizing him for hitting his sons, and he has yet to apologize for it. (My mother and sister trivialized and excused his actions.) The thing is that he likes to play Jekyll/Hyde games with me, such as being mean one moment, and acting like nothing's wrong the next. My older sister is the "nicer" one, but she defends our brother and mother while being condescending towards me. As of late, she has sent occasional emails saying how the family misses me and in every one, she practically begs me to ask her for her help. What kind of person is desperate for someone to seek out their assistance? It makes me wonder if she has some ulterior motive. A few days ago on my birthday, I've gotten birthday emails from both of them even though I've been ignoring them for two years. (This happened last year, too.) I don't get it. I represent everything they're against, and yet they can't seem to get enough of me. Their phony behavior is so off-putting that it makes being truly hated sound good. Even my bullies during my K-12 days had more integrity because at least they didn't pretend to be my friends when they were so mean to me. What's the deal with my siblings? Even the Unquestionable Queen Mother stopped speaking to me (for the time being) since she's not interested in holding herself accountable nor making amends. Why can't my siblings stop, too? Their emails aren't frequent, but even seeing one email every several months from them irks me. Do they like one-sided conversations? Is this something anyone here deals with? I wish they honestly hated me so that I can be left alone in peace. (Sigh!)
Archimedes Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 What stops you from creating a new email address and never speak to them again? 1
S1988 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 What stops you from creating a new email address and never speak to them again? That's the deal. I don't speak to them, and I haven't for two years. Also, I've had the email address since high school, back when I knew something was off with my family, but I didn't dare to question it until my early twenties. Plus, I use my email address for other things such as Paypal payments, Amazon orders, etc. I read them, but I don't respond. Sometimes, I find humor in their phony messages. I thought the cold shoulder would be enough to stop them for good, but I'm not sure why two years of ignoring them hasn't worked very much. I don't know why they want someone they look down on back into their life, especially since I left them twice.
Danske Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 "I wish they honestly hated me so that I can be left alone in peace." So you're leaving your decision to live in peace up to them? 1
S1988 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 "I wish they honestly hated me so that I can be left alone in peace." So you're leaving your decision to live in peace up to them? Well, to tell the truth, my current life has been pretty peaceful for the past few years since I live life on my own terms. The emails are infrequent, after all. I guess I let my siblings get to me because their actions are so irritating, yet mind-boggling. It's so confusing why one would speak to someone who's been ignoring them for years. If I were the one trying to get someone's attention, and they ignored me for a long time, I'd get the hint and stop. I wouldn't continue to talk to them for years while they don't respond to me. Perhaps they will stop eventually. In the meantime, I'm in charge of being in peace. Thank you for reminding me of that.
KeepOnGoing Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'm sorry to hear that. It's never easy and it's a very courageous move to leave your family of origin behind. I've also done it last year and it was difficult. I blocked them wherever I could (my mother and my sister) but I know that if they really wanted they could find a way and I know they will one day. For now they left me alone. I know it's very tempting to read the massages left by then even though you don't want to receive them in the first place but if it bothers you so much maybe you can change email address. Think about your wellbeing, they don't care about yours. They need you to play the role in this disfunctional relationship and seeking of the contact it's just another form of manipulation. If they would really want you back (in healthy way) they would move heaven and earth to get better and to try to create a relationship based on love, respect and honesty. For most of us it will never happen but we like to fool ourselves secretly from time to time that somehow they will become people we always want it. In most of the scenarios it's the good old game, there might be few cosmetic changes but the core stays the same.
wyattstorch Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Sorry you're going through that. Going through something similar, but I allowed myself to get sucked back in, out of pity and a recent emergency situation, and regretting that. Nice to me/apologetic one minute, but reverts to past form the next.What I've learned is that it's easy to forget the bad stuff, with time and distance, and it's tempting to think "maybe this time", like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, only to have it pulled away. It's also tempting to try to rationalize their behavior, to try to understand it in order to help or make excuses. That's a trap, as well, if that kind of understanding has not been earned, or repeatedly abused.Sounds like you're already aware of their manipulations, so just be strong. It may be tempting to give in, but it's harder to pull out once sucked back in. Stay strong.
meetjoeblack Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I really value family. Something I had was very strong ties and both parents married. I am close with my sister. It was something instilled by my parents that when they are gone, at least we have each other (assuming we never marry). The thing I dislike is the push for a family, marriage, and children. The past few years, family has not been so bothersome as I think they finally get it. I may or I may not. I want the nuclear family or I wont bother. I cannot relate. If it is bearable or fixable, I would see it through but, I value family.
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