Having some fears regarding standing up to child abuse and living a virtous life

[TheBestDealsAnywhere]

Having some fears regarding standing up to child abuse and living a virtous life

 

 

Hello everyone 

I come from a hideous and abusive childhood, and I have been working on self improvement for the past 5 years now (I'm 20 years old) including - Denormalizing my abuse, redirecting my anger towards it's proper objects, connecting with painful repressed memories and emotions, saw 2 therapists so far, journaling and dream capturing, studying martial arts and even practicing cold approach pickup (for social confidence, at least that's what I convinced myself before I quit after reading RTR and questioning my motives..)

 

I mentioned that last part, because I did have the abillity to consistently overcome my extreme (sometimes nearly psychotic) social anxieties, approach strangers, even while alone, and striking up conversations and being rejected and humiliated, sometimes infront of dozens of people...

 

I took a lot of interest in power and social dynamics back in the day, and morality in my view was always just a tool for the powerful to control the weak, I saw it as a flaw of character that I had any compassion in me (former vegan) or a desire to help others...

Now with my exposure to FDR and my inner work, I see things quite different - I believe that I can find peace if I fight the good fight, and do my best to educate and stand up to abusive parents, once I deal with my own inner problems...

 

But how can I stop evil, if the evil are so powerful?

If abusive people, socipaths and sadists, not only run the world, but are all around me... How can I have any effect on their actions without using force myself?

Now when a child is hit in public, things are a lot easier... I can stand up to the child and be angry at the abuser publicly with very little bad consenquences for myself... But abuse is often less overt and out in the open...

I'll share an example from my life:

I was waiting for a bus, and a kid came and sat next to me. I immedietly saw something was wrong, and he spoke despite seeing I was busy with my phone and had earphones in.

 

So I took them off and put the phone away, and listened to a frightened looking kid telling me this:

"My grandma told me not to talk to strangers, because she said I will be kidnapped and cut with knives by people with masks..."

Now, this kid is being abused. 

 

I looked to where the kid came from, and it was a resteraunt with a dozen or so people siting in a long table, talking loudly...

 

And I felt really bad. 


If I went there and started lecturing them - abusers don't care that they are abusers. I will just be met with denial and mockery.

 

Not only that, I'm likely to put the kid through more trouble, since he might be punished later on for talking to me and asking for help (He communicated in such a way, not only rejecting his grandma's propaganda but also looking for a witness and help, regardless if he hasn't said so outright)

 

I was very surprised by it all, and in the spur of the moment I just said "There are also good people out there..."

I was emotional and felt helpless and sad, and that's what came out of me at the moment...

 

But have I done the opposite of helping? If there are good people out there, was I one of them? And if so, is giving the kid a sad look while he is going through the abuse of hell any good for him at all?

 

How do I fight corruption without becoming a martyr? 

 

There's a reason why all politicians are corrupt, it's because the evil know how to get their way and climb up the social ladder - lying and manipulating as a way of life...

 

If I am to be virtous, I'm by default "locked" from being an asshole because of empathy and my conscience - and so I did end up removing every abusive and immoral person from my life, but that has left me very alone and disconnected in the world.

 

So when debating, the corrupt can just steer the conversation with misdirection, or influence people with charisma...

 

Or when things are physical (say a father is hitting a child) - I can't always dominate and stop the other guy, and even if I can, what happens when his friends show up?

 

Most of the so called good people I came across in my life just naive cowards, holding hands and meditating instead of taking action in the world and standing up to abuse.

 

How can I be strong, or powerful and effective in the social world, all the while I repel people away with honestly or any criticism of their hypocrisy, instead of keeping them around by abusing or manipulating them as I have done in the past?

 

Also, can anyone link me to some good podcasts on the subjects I wrote about?

 

Thanks in advance ~  

 

[_LiveFree_]

Hi and thank you for the post. I was especially impressed with all the self-work you are doing. In your self-work you talked about denormalizing the abuse you suffered and re-directing presently experienced anger to the proper person.

 

Have you confronted those people (parents?) about the abuse you suffered at their hands when you were completely vulnerable?

 

Because if not, when confronted with child abuse in your life, the emotions wound up with your past abusers will surface causing feelings of being overwhelmed.

[TheBestDealsAnywhere]

Hi and thank you for the post. I was especially impressed with all the self-work you are doing. In your self-work you talked about denormalizing the abuse you suffered and re-directing presently experienced anger to the proper person.

 

Have you confronted those people (parents?) about the abuse you suffered at their hands when you were completely vulnerable?

 

Because if not, when confronted with child abuse in your life, the emotions wound up with your past abusers will surface causing feelings of being overwhelmed.

 

Well, my mother passed from cancer about a year and a half ago, while she was alive I yelled at her for one of many abuses she inflicted on me... She just rejected remembering it, and I felt cruel at the time since she was already in the process of dying. I went to visit the grave with some people from her work life a year after she passed, and asked everyone to step aside, because I wanted to feel what I had going on without social pressure, and my chest was tingling with anger in a way that I never felt before.

 

I spent a lot of time doing a combination of bioenergetics (going to a secluded place to yell and shake the body) and also TRE (a lot of crying and shaking there too) and I have hundreds of memories of the abuse I was inflicted with.... And listening to the show as much as I did I'm pretty hurt and pissed, it know it will take more pain and effort to fully process it all, I experienced a psychotic breakdown before my mother's illness and was tied to a bed in a mental institution and raped with medication, I believe the psychosis was to do with me diving into my past and self knowledge too quickly... (not very pleased with my mother encouraging medicating me...)

 

As for my father, I only sent him a message about how he's hurt me in one of my manic episodes... Wasn't much of a confrontation.

 

He left me at a very young age, didn't pay any allemony and started a new family, which I visited and had a manic episode which sent me out of there to be homeless for a while untill returnin to my mother's house. (I was around 16 and he left when I was 5)

 

Thing is, these people as such vile inhuman monsters that I don't see what sort of discussion could have been had. 

 

My father simply blames my mother for abandoning me, which makes no sense...

 

My mom claimed she had no memory of the abuse I described to her...

 

There's nobody to talk to. They were dead inside enough to abuse and neglect me, my father is the only one left but I will feel dumb for going through attempts at a conversation with an evasive negletive irresponsible father.  

 

Why is confronting THEM a prerequisite for not being overwhelmed with emotions? I would certainly attest It's overwhelming but I'm highly skeptical giving my dad a skype call would change that...

 

From what I gathered, the main reason Stefan urges people to speak to their families, is to find and expose the truth about the nature of the relationships, which most people evade and end up having the abusers as a part of their lives.

 

My father and dead mother are no longer a part of my life, and I'm not bullshitting myself as regarding to what has happened to me. I am shaking off the chains of the false self to whatever degree I can, (I'm refering to the part of me that has sympathy for my abusers) 

 

When I wrote about directing the anger at them, I was refering to it as a state of mind mostly, for examplethe more I understood I hated my mother the less of it was projected onto other people (especialy females)

 

 It's a good point that you made, my life at the moment swings like a pendulum  between dissociation and the painful inner work I do, and I heard Stefan talking about being a hero, looking at my life as though I couldn't hear or see anything, only at my actions... And I don't feel much high regard for myself if all I do is cry (grieve.. okay) about my past and play computer games.  I have many talents and it would be a shame if I won't do good in the world with those, child abuse just breaks my heart and I can't imagine ever not being overwhelmed by emotions when confronting or battling it... :/

[_LiveFree_]

Thank you so much for the reply. What you are working on right now is the work that saves humanity. I'm fully aware of the importance and gravity of it, so please accept my sincere apologies for my short and somewhat truncated responses. However, I do think keeping a sharp focus is absolutely needed here.

 

The very heart of the matter is here..."Why is confronting THEM a prerequisite for not being overwhelmed with emotions?"

 

Because they are and will always be in your mind. While it is not always possible to face abusive parents directly, we all must face the part of them that is imprinted upon us, which we will carry for the rest of our lives. By facing them directly "out there" we gain a massive amount of strength and experience to face them "in here".

 

Experiencing the emotions brought about by the abuse is a way to fully know the evil that was perpetrated against you. Not just intellectually, but to engage the whole being in reality. Once reality is accepted, action is demanded. Whether that action is informed by denial, rage, bargaining, despair, or full acceptance typically depends on the severity of the abuse.

 

You did mention not having sympathy for your abusers. Yet you say you've never really confronted them about it (confront them means to talk to them using RTR, not abusing them back). So now the only confrontation happens in your mind, but you are then rejecting that entire part of you by denying it sympathy. See the problem?

 

You'll never be rid of them in your mind. If you reject them in your mind you reject a part of you. Any part of you that is rejected will, when triggered, respond with overwhelming emotion, blending you and the part while stripping you of freewill. Your parents probably can't be reasoned with, but the part of them imprinted onto you can be reasoned with. And because it can be reasoned with, it is also worthy of receiving empathy and sympathy.

 

Do you follow?

 

Have you worked with IFS before?

[TheBestDealsAnywhere]

Thank you so much for the reply. What you are working on right now is the work that saves humanity. I'm fully aware of the importance and gravity of it, so please accept my sincere apologies for my short and somewhat truncated responses. However, I do think keeping a sharp focus is absolutely needed here.

 

The very heart of the matter is here..."Why is confronting THEM a prerequisite for not being overwhelmed with emotions?"

 

Because they are and will always be in your mind. While it is not always possible to face abusive parents directly, we all must face the part of them that is imprinted upon us, which we will carry for the rest of our lives. By facing them directly "out there" we gain a massive amount of strength and experience to face them "in here".

 

Experiencing the emotions brought about by the abuse is a way to fully know the evil that was perpetrated against you. Not just intellectually, but to engage the whole being in reality. Once reality is accepted, action is demanded. Whether that action is informed by denial, rage, bargaining, despair, or full acceptance typically depends on the severity of the abuse.

 

You did mention not having sympathy for your abusers. Yet you say you've never really confronted them about it (confront them means to talk to them using RTR, not abusing them back). So now the only confrontation happens in your mind, but you are then rejecting that entire part of you by denying it sympathy. See the problem?

 

You'll never be rid of them in your mind. If you reject them in your mind you reject a part of you. Any part of you that is rejected will, when triggered, respond with overwhelming emotion, blending you and the part while stripping you of freewill. Your parents probably can't be reasoned with, but the part of them imprinted onto you can be reasoned with. And because it can be reasoned with, it is also worthy of receiving empathy and sympathy.

 

Do you follow?

 

Have you worked with IFS before?

Yes I worked with IFS, the very idea of it helped me to deal with the voices in my head...

 

I tried many approaches towards the abusive voices, which was exhausting and confusing. 

 

I ended up deciding that these parts are not worthy of sympathy and compassion, having had tried that for a long time and it didn't work.

 

Instead I see them a sort of cancer, they sap the life away from me and can't be reasoned with.

 

One of the reason I quit seeing one of my therapists was because he had the whole "love thy enemy" approach to life, and it kind of disgusted me... (that's not the only reason I left) 

 

Accepting a "part" (abusive inner voice) would be like thanking a person for punching me. Isn't that what alice miller spoke about in her book, the same idea that perpetuates abuse? 

 

I don't get why would I ever RTR with my dad. Would you go and visit a person who raped/physicaly harmed/stole from you in prison and talk about how you feel and how hurt you are? 

 

Why do the same with an abusive parent? Or whatever is left of such a parent in one's mind?

[thecurrentyear]

I would be careful with absolutes and musts. There are several schools of thought which do not require confronting painful memories and processing directly. There is so much work that can be done in each present moment, and sometimes when you're in pain you have to get your head above water before facing more difficulty. You may even find, eventually, that past incidents and issues are not even worth getting back into (because you're able to do so very well without that). 

[Drew.]

Yes I worked with IFS, the very idea of it helped me to deal with the voices in my head...

 

I tried many approaches towards the abusive voices, which was exhausting and confusing. 

 

I ended up deciding that these parts are not worthy of sympathy and compassion, having had tried that for a long time and it didn't work.

 

Instead I see them a sort of cancer, they sap the life away from me and can't be reasoned with.

 

One of the reason I quit seeing one of my therapists was because he had the whole "love thy enemy" approach to life, and it kind of disgusted me... (that's not the only reason I left) 

 

Accepting a "part" (abusive inner voice) would be like thanking a person for punching me. Isn't that what alice miller spoke about in her book, the same idea that perpetuates abuse? 

 

I don't get why would I ever RTR with my dad. Would you go and visit a person who raped/physicaly harmed/stole from you in prison and talk about how you feel and how hurt you are? 

 

Why do the same with an abusive parent? Or whatever is left of such a parent in one's mind?

 

Ha, I've had a lot of experiencing working with self-attack. It is downright crippling. I've tried arguing and fighting against it. That would work in the moment, but it would be a temporary bandage solution, where the moment I let my guard down or made a mistake, the attack would arise again. I've tried just to accept it and let it attack me, but that's like letting a man kick you while you're down on the ground. Both of these solutions didn't work at all for truly resolving it. Instead, I tried to figure out what kind of value it was providing me. I do believe that every single defense we create and adapt is providing value in some manner, otherwise we would not have created it in the first place.

 

Self-attack is not like an abusive person, because it is a part of you. Rejecting yourself never comes to any good, but neither does accepting the abuse that's coming from it. As weird as it sounds, the only progress that I have made with this stuff is when I have tried to love the self-attack--not for its actions but because it has helped in the past and because it is a part of me.

[TheBestDealsAnywhere]

I would be careful with absolutes and musts. There are several schools of thought which do not require confronting painful memories and processing directly. There is so much work that can be done in each present moment, and sometimes when you're in pain you have to get your head above water before facing more difficulty. You may even find, eventually, that past incidents and issues are not even worth getting back into (because you're able to do so very well without that). 

Thanks for the feedback, I found that even though very unpleasant, the self knowledge gained from being aware of my past really helps me to gain some clarity as to what should I do/ work on next...

I agree with you about not making commandments out of all the theories and ideas out there... Many of the issues revolving self-care and healing from abuse are most likely different in effectiveness depending and who uses them and how...

 

The whole idea of repression as far as I understand it is that there are areas in my mind I can't go to, so if I have to re-experience some painful memories as an adult, which results in unlocking a part of my mind, that sounds like a pretty good trade off~

 

 

 

Ha, I've had a lot of experiencing working with self-attack. It is downright crippling. I've tried arguing and fighting against it. That would work in the moment, but it would be a temporary bandage solution, where the moment I let my guard down or made a mistake, the attack would arise again. I've tried just to accept it and let it attack me, but that's like letting a man kick you while you're down on the ground. Both of these solutions didn't work at all for truly resolving it. Instead, I tried to figure out what kind of value it was providing me. I do believe that every single defense we create and adapt is providing value in some manner, otherwise we would not have created it in the first place.

 

Self-attack is not like an abusive person, because it is a part of you. Rejecting yourself never comes to any good, but neither does accepting the abuse that's coming from it. As weird as it sounds, the only progress that I have made with this stuff is when I have tried to love the self-attack--not for its actions but because it has helped in the past and because it is a part of me.

 

I can relate to how crippling dealing with those is. Sorry you had to go through that.

 

I actually tried this one too, it's the same issue - just reframing how you relate and percieve the self attack... 

 

The fact that it's a part of me might be something I rejectecd / overlooked and may be caused me some trouble... And treating a mental voice in my head as if it is a seprate living entity, while part of the IFS methodoligy, might have been ineffective for me... 

 

Thanks everyone for your replies! 

[amos]

I am sorry to hear about your childhood, your dad abandoning you, your mom "not remembering" (what a convenient excuse, i know this one from my mom)... It just makes me sad to read stories like this.

I too struggle with the wish to step up when i hear a child being treated badly, but i am not ready yet. When ever i hear or see such a situation i just become really sad and feel so helpless. I wish to act to make the world a better place but i am still paralized when i observe a situation where i could actually act. Sometimes i wonder if there is anything that one can do in those situations? Because as long as the child has to live with the parents, it needs the protective mechanisms, that's exactely why these mechanisms exist in the first place...

I dont know if this helps, but my take on self attacking egostates is that they were at a time very important to protect you. Because if you self attack before your mom / dad notices the "bad" behaviour, you can correct it and avoid being attacked by them. And when you attack yourself, you can manage the severity of the attack and it is therefore much less dangerous. So those egostates want to protect you. Mabe you can make a deal with them such that they can use their talents in the new situation that you live in now to help you in another way.