How to deal with temper tantrums and preventing it from happening again?

[Kimmen]

Hey, first time poster here.

 

Me and my wife are having issues with our two kids when it comes to temper tantrums. 

My son (6y) can say to his mother ("I hate you and i wish you were dead" - "I wanna move out of this house" - "leave me alone, go and die" - "you are so mean and vile") He will be crying and talking to himself about how he is the victim and nobody cares about him and nobody wants to be with him and so on. This can happen when he has had a bad dream and starts crying in the middle of the night, and we both attend to comfort him. My wife usually takes over and cuddle him, talking to him, asking whats wrong and so on. Our son will after a short while push her away and lash out against her with the example phrases above. When the temper tantrum is over, it takes time before he is ready to apologize, the next day, i observe him saying "I love you very much mom" "Mom you are very beautiful" "Mom, im sorry for saying all those bad things earlier". He is very emotional so when he is sad, he is really sad to the extreme and it works the same way when he is excited for something, that he will be jumping up and down and uncontrollably scream out of happiness. He can't seem to control his emotions. It is especially bad for my wife, with me, my son always calms down and we can talk and negotiate.

 

Our daughter (3y) has the worst temper tantrums, she is whining and yelling and crying loudly, like really loud. She screams on top of her lounges when she doesn't get her way or when she refuse to brush her teeth, clean the room, eating etc etc. She never says anything hurtful like our son, but is very loud and screaming/crying. She can show the same behavior towards our son when they disagree, but seem to not do this in daycare. After it has escalated to the point where she is screaming yelling and crying, i find that the only two things that helps, is time out or pacifier. I then pick her up, carry her to her room and place her on the bed, then i leave the room. If she comes out, i repeat it twice, and if she still try to come out, i block the door so she cannot get out. From there, i can negotiate with her when she is calming down. After we successfully come to an agreement, we hug and cuddle some, then things get quiet and she goes about doing the task she refused to.  

 

- Adding to the story is that me and my wife have been trough a very rough marriage. We started dating when we were teens, i was 15 and she was 16. We married 4 years later (2004) and are now closing in on 13 years of marriage. After the first 2 years (2006), i started to get big problems with my hip and had to go to surgery for a hip-replacement. I got it implemented in 2007. This incident had us postpone our decision to have children. In the early summer of 2009, things got stable, and we decided to try getting pregnant. Beginning at fall 2009 my hip-replacement breaks because of a technical error with it and at the same time, we get news that she is 2 weeks pregnant. The new hip-replacement i then get, never heals and settles in my bones, so its loose and generating alot of physical pain for me, making it extremely difficult to move around and be active. We buy a house in the summer of 2010, just after my son is born. in the fall 2011 i get another hip-replacement, since the previous did not settle. During this surgery i get nerve damage and a 4 cm length adjustment to my leg, sending me into a tremendous amount of pain. I am not allowed to fully walk on my foot before summer 2013. By this time my wife has been alone in parenting our son and she has nursed me at home in addition to working 90%. In 2012 my wife ask what we should do about our desire to have our second and last child. We agree to have a new baby, because we still believe i can get healthy again after this last surgery. I have gained alot of weight from 2006 when this first started and went from 95 kilo and up to 142,5 kilo by summer 2013. 

 

So instantly when i am allowed to walk fully on my foot, i start weight-loss programs. I train 5 days a week and i made changes to my eating habits.My daughter gets born in the fall 2013. By summer 2014, i have lost 36,5 kilo and weigh 106 kilo. I am starting to get back on my feet and are now spending a little bit more time with my family and trying my best to help out in the household. But before i can stabilize and finish the weight-loss, the social welfare office put forth an ultimatum saying i need to get a job or be in education to continue receiving welfare. That creates a mental reaction on my part, and generates ton of stress, so i contact a private psychologist to get help working through it. I also on my own accord, find a way to attend a rehabilitation center to help me get ready for school and fulfill the requirement from the social welfare office. I spend 5 weeks in rehab and a week after i am done there, i start school. I get top grades at school and i start to think that maybe this can work, but 2 months in, the physical pain from my hip and lower back get to problematic and i realize that it is impossible to complete it. So by the end of 2014, i fail and hit rock bottom. I spend the next 13 months mostly in bed and completely isolated from everyone, extremely depressed, wishing that i dont wake up the next day. Jan 2016 my wife gives me an ultimatum saying that she cannot work, raise our two kids alone, and nurse me at the same time. 2 weeks later, i also get disabled and i get compensated for the loss of income and for the damage done to me in surgery. We are also in a lawsuit against the state for the loss of future income, duo to my disability, a lawsuit that started back in 2010 when we knew it was a technical issue that ruined my hip-replacement.

 

I start to search for help, im going to therapy and i stumble over one of Stefans videos on Youtube, after watching a few videos from him, i "wake up". I start to pursue self-knowledge and i start dealing with my own issues. I also started to listening to peaceful parenting videos, and since all this, we have made alot of positive changes and progress.

I am still on heavy pain medication (morphine pills) which i have to take 3 times a day to keep the pain in check. My doc says it is permanent damage and chronic pain. I have also gained all the weight back, so currently i am working on setting up and preparing for a new wight-loss program.

 

 

So with this history in mind, my wife has basically had a really difficult job raising the kids alone with me absent. My son started full time daycare at the age of 1, same for our daughter, which currently still goes there because i cannot take care of her alone. When she leaves the kids in daycare, they get really sad and angry and are crying on top of their lounges. This reaction was terrible the first few months and now they react like this maybe once every few months. My son is now in school. I have spank my son once when he was 3 years old and i have dragged him by the hair once, also when he was 3 years old, but stopped it entirely as it did not feel right. After watching Stefans video on parenting, i have completely changed my mindset and believe now, that physical discipline is not an option, as before i thought it was okay if the kids misbehaved badly. We still yell at our kids when they misbehave and have done so since the kids were able to speak to us. We know this is bad, and are currently working hard on not raising our voice at them.

 

Obviously we both know that putting the children in daycare fulltime is terrible. We know that yelling is unacceptable now and we understand that our behavior and decisions is a strong part of the issues/consequences we now experience with our children. I am not sure if my son remembers me physically punishing him twice, i could ask, i dont believe that has much to do with current behavior and as explained, its totally off the table/unacceptable.

 

Questions is, what can we now do to prevent the temper tantrums and how can we deal with them appropriately? Or are we doomed to live with this? 

Does Stefan have a video for us where he talks about what parents should do when being in such situation? Please help.

I am sorry for all this backstory, i hope it helps knowing it.

 

 

 

 

 

[Gloria]

WOW!  First a prayer...may God help you and your family.

You have asked for opinions and so I feel comfortable offering you mine.  I don't seek to tell you what to do or make you feel insecure, just trying to help.  I will be brief, as these tips are based on my own experience.  Based on an analysis of outcomes ...my kids all very healthy and highly successful in school, I consider my opinion at least as valid as any other.

 

1. never strike any one in the household ever again!

2. ANYTIME a child awakes during the middle of the night they should immediately be taken, gently, to the bathroom and allowed to use the potty. 99 percent of bad dreams etc. is simply the body's way of waking us up because some biological issue needs to be tended to. They may not realize this is the problem so please be patient. Too much cuddling in the middle of the night should not be necessary. It's about ; peeing, needing fluids, or possibly a sense of security which frankly you as the father need to address by simply telling your kids you are there to protect everyone.

3. They need a better diet. I strongly recommend an increase in protein and total removal of pure sugars. My favorite for kids is liverwurst! (try different ones until they find one they love)   Yes you heard that right.  Try it ..try red meats, peanut butter (if there is no allergy), turkey, chicken. Anytime is the right time for this if the kid is having tantrums.  Using the clock to decide when to feed your child is foolish.  If you ever see them biting at themselves, this is definitely the problem.  You need to improve your own diet and high protein low sugars will be good for you also. Get them on daily vitamins for a while with IRON!! Lack of IRON is probably your number one concern for behavior type issue.  In the U.S. they sell vitamin drops for babys that contain iron.  Usually a couple dropper fulls over the course of one week will bring immediate correction to crazy behavior.

4. Once the kids diets have been corrected and peace has been restored (no more than two weeks if you make #3 happen), you need to focus on getting yourself off the pain killers.  This will be the most difficult thing you have ever attempted (most likely).  Turn yourself into a health food nut and make exercise your religion.  You will be a beast for probably 72 hours.  Get yourself a "cleanse" at the vitamin store. PRAY often.  Alcoholics discuss this at length if that helps any.

5. Hug your wife and thank her for all of her care and support!!!!! 

Go and be happy :-)

[Kimmen]

Just came back from vacation with my family, thus the late reply. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. We will discuss this later tonight when the kids are in bed. 

 

1: Its done!

 

2: We have discussed this topic recently and we both believe that this would be the way to try and go from here. I will update this thread with our experience in a few weeks to see if this helped.

 

3: This is for sure worth trying. Our kids dont eat breakfast, lunch at home during weekdays, our daughter get it in daycare which here in Norway is very strict and focused on being healthy. We make food for our son, that he brings with him to school. This food is always healthy and we also add fruit. He gets water from home and milk at school. We have made grate efforts the last year when it comes to dinner, since i am the one making it. In the past we used fast and easy ways to get dinner, which one could argue isn't very healthy in the longrun. Where we come short, is how much sweets and suger products they also get. Both our kids are healthy and none of them are overweight. The first thing we should try, is get rid of sweets and adding more protein, which conveniently fits with my plans for weight-loss. Today we went through the vitamins and found that we could use more iron, so thats the second thing we can do. Our kids always eat when they are hungry, even tho we have routine on dinner and supper. I will report back after negotiating this with my wife and hopefully enforce it soon.

 

4: No can do. Dismissing the painkillers is not an option for me. I have tried to do that several times, but the pain is too aggressive and according to the doctor, its permanent chronic pain. I can however improve things with exercise and weight-loss. I will also get physiotherapy to help me out with this. Dismissing painkillers is rather unlikely with the nerve-damage and complications caused by the surgery's ive been trough. Nobody would be more happy than me to dismiss them entirely, but all previous efforts to do so, have failed because the pain i have is to big. I have also big concerns about using them which i addressed my doctor with, he says i must prepare to use this for the rest of my life to have some life quality. Im not saying you are totally wrong, but i am saying that for now, if i choose to not take them, i will be spending my time in bed. I really do not want to end up there once again.

 

5: I do, everyday.

 

Thanks for your opinions and knowledge, we will discuss and implement some of them to our family and i will report back after a while with the results.

[Spenc]

Go into the

 

Questions is, what can we now do to prevent the temper tantrums and how can we deal with them appropriately? Or are we doomed to live with this? 

Does Stefan have a video for us where he talks about what parents should do when being in such situation? Please help.

I am sorry for all this backstory, i hope it helps knowing it.

 

Go listen to this podcast, the final caller, https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/49261-podcast-fdr3597-out-of-control-call-in-show-february-15th-2017/

 

There is also a podcast series, "Philosophical Parenting" on iTunes and http://feeds.feedburner.com/PhilosophicalParenting

 

One interesting part of the call-in show I linked to above, was that the parents were yelling at and in front of the kids and then apologizing for the behaviour. Then they would go back to acting out in anger again later.  So if you find yourself apologizing and then reverting back to your negative behaviour, you're telling your son that it's okay to act out in anger in the moment and then demand forgiveness later with apologies that may or may not be genuine.  (The apology might be a continuation of acting out in the emotions of the moment--anger leads to a tantrum, and contentment leads to a genuine apology--which partly just reinforces the principle that enables the tantrum.  Or the apology may be disingenuous, he's just mimicking the same phase that you do after you act out in anger.)

 

One key thing you should always be attentive to in the call:  the caller is talking about handling situations, and Stef is always redirecting the conversation away from in-the-moment problems and towards establishing principles and negotiations.  Remember that when you're in the moment of a problem, it's usually too late for philosophy.  It's important to work on your philosophy and apply it before problems arise, so that you and your wife and children have the philosophical tools already embedded in your relationship and agreed upon.

 

I would say you should definitely start listening to the Philosophical Parenting series right away.  Secondly, listen to the call-in that I linked above that is very relevant to your situation.  Third, have a look at a draft of a Peaceful Parenting book Stef has been working on

 

Best of luck in your journey

[Kimmen]

Hey Spenc,

 

Thank you for your kind suggestions. I have listen to this call once before and i convinced my wife to join me last night and listen to it also. We got alot of nice tips and suggestions from that call and the part about never yelling again and not making apology's you cannot honor, really reasoned with us. We have on occasions apologized for yelling, but continued the behavior sporadically. We now understand how awful that is and will never apologize unless we commit to changing our behavior. We also understand how arrogant and obnoxious it is for us to demand our kids to control their tantrums, when we ourselves allow to yell at them and failing in containing our own misbehavior. We both agree to commit to dealing with this nonsense and give ourself the rule to never yell again. Stefans way of explaining food for stomach and food for tongue, really motivated us to try the same approach and we will soon. Negotiating before and not in the middle of or after things happens, really made total sense and we will do that immediately. I tried to access the last link from your post related to Stefans draft of a peaceful parenting book, however that seems to be gated behind a donation wall, since i cannot access it. Maybe in time, i can afford to donate much more and get this access. We have now accumulated some suggestions and put them in action. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your schedule to help our family back on track, i really appreciate it and will for sure report back with our results.

[Spenc]

You're welcome.  I forgot that the book draft is for gold donators, which I was in the past. Gold is anyone who has donated $126+ in the past 365 days.  So you are now a bronze donator.  Let's assume you've paid $60 then in the past year, so if you cancelled your subscription and just made a lump-sum donation of $70, you would then qualify for gold materials......

 

In general, I think this is kind of a sneaky way to go about it, but it is within the 'rules'.  I think if you just sent a message to Michael (user MMD) and explained your situation and how your money is tight, he would likely just send you the file.  I don't want to speak for Mike or Stef, but that seems to be the way they operate to help people (especially parents of young children) get the necessary materials to help themselves.

 

One other thing I would encourage you to pay attention to in the call-in show from about a week ago with the couple that had a son prone to tantrums:  The father was stay-at-home dad, and Stef discovered that the dad was nearby, around, proximate, adjacent to his son, but he wasn't really engaged with the son.  When you're physically present, but emotionally not connecting, it's a kind of torture to the child's psyche. 

 

You described being depressed and in bed for a year.  So I'm thinking that you weren't connecting very well with your daughter at all as she was so young and even if your son could walk and get access to your bedroom, I'm thinking you weren't very connected to him either.  Kids that age cannot empathize with crippling depression, so all they knew was that you were around but you weren't making yourself available. 

 

I know as an older brother and an uncle how anxious young children are about adults choosing rest over play.  I used to work nights and then sleep in until 9-10:00, and of course young kids are like roosters, they get up at the crack of dawn.  So my younger brother and my niece used to literally wait 2-3 hours for me to get up and they would try to sneak in to check if I was awake, they would beg my mom or sister to let them go in and wake me up.  I usually was woken up about a half-dozen times int he morning between the time the kids were up and the time my mom finally let them burst in and wake me, just because that's how anxious they were to get me up to play with them.

 

So when you say you spend a year in bed in a depression, I can't even imagine how much anxiety that would put on children.  And it would probably have pushed them to give up at some point.  I would highly suggest you contact Mike and call in to the show and get some advice from Stef on how you can communicate to your children why you were disconnected from them for so long, and how to establish new bonds and solid credibility with the kids.

 

One other thing.....you said you didn't think your son would remember being hit a few times when he was young.  That's not really the point.  If a child is physcally abused during the foundational brain-mapping stages of development, that abuse is going to have effects that are going to carry forward whether or not an actual memory persists.  Think of it like city planning.  First they clear and grade the land, then they mark out the roadways, drainage and sewage/utility ways.  So if you've made an error when you're clearing away the road and drainage ways, that is affecting where the lots are going to be sectioned off and the houses built.  It doesn't matter whether or not you remember the mistake. it is going to show up forever after the homes are built.  Like one section of houses are going to have smaller lawns while the other side has larger, or easements are going to be significantly larger than usual, or whatever the case may be.  The only way to correct this is to spot the mistake, make adjustments that cost significant time and money, and start over in that area.

 

So in terms of your credibility with your son, this is why I raise this issue moreso than the few instances of physical abuse.  Your son and daughter have developed their personalities on the foundation of dad having little connection and credibility with them.  This is manifesting itself presumably in their tantrums.  You're kind of finding the mistake in the easements after the houses are already built.You need to dig up all those misplaced utilities and move them to a proper location and then reconnect them into the houses.

 

I hope my metaphor isn't too strained........

[Kimmen]

As far as the draft goes, im not going to ask for it. If i earn it by paying, then ill have a go at it, for now, ill work with what i got.

 

I have been absent for 5 years, not 1. My son was born in April 2010. In Sept 2009, my hip replacement broke because of a technical error and as i stated above, i had to walk around with a loose hip-replacement that generated alot of pain for 2 years. At the same time, i had to use painkillers and do physiotherapy and i had to try working in order to get welfare. We also bought a house in the summer of 2010, which needed rehabilitation, so together with my wife, family and friends, we worked on the house whenever we could until we sold it in the summer of 2012. I had no energy to take care of my son in this time, so my wife did all the work with him. We could agree that if i had prioritized differently, i could have stopped the renovation on the house, in order to spend more time with my son, however, i had a different mindset at the time and i take the responsibility for those actions today. In 2011, i had the final surgery and i could not fully walk until summer 2013, so in this time, i also had alot of pain, i have nerve damage, fighting hard with physiotherapy and moving closer to my in-laws to get more help with the kids, as i could not be of assistance to my wife. I assume that all you see here is excuses, but i will argue that i did the best i could staying alive and focused on healing myself for me and my family. I wasn't there for my kids, i still aint fully there for them. I really recognize myself in the way this husband explained his position to Stef. I am also just in the proximity and not really connecting with my kids all the time. I do connect with them during the days now, but i can still improve this. I have completely stopped gaming, im out of bed, i do most of the work in the household, i actually play with my kids now and i talk to them daily. I have saved my marriage from failing and i have won over the welfare office and the state for the damage i received while in hospital. Im predicted to win against the state in my ongoing lawsuit, judgement is duo on week 11 of this year, so next week. I have started weight-loss program again and i am in therapy. I have so many things going on right now, that it starting to become overwhelming. 

 

I have turned to philosophy and red-pilled myself, i am pursuing self-knowledge and i am dealing with my depression. I got to tell you, this is brutal!

Having to deal with young children and marriage at the same time, is very consuming not just for me, but also for my wife and kids.

I am very aware of the damage done here, and i am acknowledging it thus seeking help. 

I got to admit i am very confused as what it is you are recommending me to do, besides calling in on the show and discus it with Stef. 

I am currently thinking like this, i want to make priorities that has the highest effect in the here and now, to ease the situation abit. Then i want to but more efforts into the long term perspective. I really struggle to find the correct schedule and balance between what is urgent and what can wait. For example:

 

With my physical health:

I am currently on morphine pills for the pain i feel in the lower-back, streaming down my thigh, hip, kne and ancle. I can't even tie my own shoe on the right foot and i need to work hard with myself to get my sock on. I am obese aswell from the passive lifestyle that got forced upon me with a chain of surgerys and the complications from those. My hip-replacement duration is depended on the wear and tear, so when you are 140 kilo, its pretty significant and weight-loss seems to be extremely important. This require lots of training and a lifestyle change when it comes to food.

 

Mental health: 

I am currently in therapy to deal with my depression, helplessness, self-knowledge and processing the trauma ive been trough. I struggle with eating unhealthy stuff in the evenings after things get quiet, because of my depression. So with unhealthy food and snacks, combined with forced passive lifestyle, i got to be obese. In summer 2013, i started on a weight-loss program and i succeeded in loosing alot of that overweight and came down to 106 kilo, but after being forced into education by the welfare office, in august 2014, i failed it hard in October/November and got severely depressed. So by spending 13 months in bed, all the overweight came back on and the passive lifestyle continued. Then i got a ultimatum from my wife in jan 2016, not because she didn't love me anymore, but because the situation was unbearable for us as a family and i seemed to have given up and resigned. So i prioritized fixing the marriage and in this process i also found stefans videos and started working on myself aswell. It seems like no matter what i do, i cant win, because it always something that happens next. 

 

Then we have the marriage issues and the parenting issues. So, what am i supposed to do with all of this? Explaining to me all the failures and the results from said failures, is not really motivating me, but rather destroying the will to proceed, because i already know the failure and the consequences those bring. I would much rather appreciate tips on repairing and finding the most critical things to address first, because i have no energy and resources to tackle it all at once.

 

I am sorry if this comes off as offensive and rude, please, that is not my intention at all. I am happy to continue answering questions, and i am currently considering calling in, but stefs show is starting my 1 am and its in the middle of the week, so i have to make arrangements to make that happen, if i dare calling in at all. All calls gets posted, and my anxiety is really a barrier for that. 

[Jaeger]

Hi Kimmen,

 

Your post really resonated with me.  How to be a peaceful parent when dealing with a chronic Illness or injury?  That is a question I have asked myself many times.  I suffer from Meniere's Disease also called Meniere's Syndrome in some places in the world.  While I don't suffer from chronic pain I do get vertigo from time to time and suffer from deafness in my left ear.  I have been bedridden for days at a time do to disabling vertigo.  I was diagnosed with Meniere's in 2008 and had surgery in 2010 to relieve fluid build up in the inner ear.  That surgery failed and I ended up haveing to get gentamicin injections to deaden the vestibular nerve so I won't get vertigo or rather lessen the intensity of them.

 

Well anyways from 2008-2013 I would get frequent vertigo and would be bedridden for days.  The  4 of my 8 children who were either born at this time or where in their informative years all had tantrums similar to your kids.  At the time I haven't heard about peaceful parenting  and unfortunately I would yell and bluster and put them in timeout,  holding the door shut so they couldn't leave their room.  When I was feeling sick or working I wouldn't allow my children in my room.  I would yell at them to leave.  I was very irritable and would wallow in self pity and my children suffered from it.  My wife suffered through it.  We went through Marriage counseling in 2008.

 

As the gentamicin injections begin to work and I got vertigo less and they also became less intense.  I started to yearn to get out of the house and learn new things.  I started listening to Stefan and learned about peaceful parenting.  Why in no way consider myself an expert, here are some of the steps I took to change how I parent.  I hope it will be of some benefit for you. 

 

1.  I acknowledged I was the one that needed to change.  I was the reason my kids acted out.  I was the reason my wife was withdrawing.  I had to make the changes not them.  I can not change my kids' or wife's behavior I can only change my own.

 

2.  I apologized to my wife and children for my pass behavior.  I told them my desire to change.

 

3.  I sought professional help by hiring a therapist to help me gain self knowledge.

 

4.  I accepted my wife and kids as they are and love them unconditionally.  This is the big one.  The tantrums diminished significantly once they feel you will love them no matter how they behave.  It is alright for kids to show anger.  How I used to react to their anger wasn't because of them but some unprocessed trauma from my childhood.  A reaction to how my parents treated me when I had tantrums as a child.  Which was exactly how I was treating my kids.  I needed to learn how to show them a healthy way to share their anger.  For me that is now coming right out and saying I feel angry and why.  I try to put myself in their shoes and act how my inner child would want my parents to have acted.

 

5.  I made myself approachable even when  I'm not feeling well.  I tell them how I'm feeling and invite them to sit or lay with me.  They feel concern and want to be included in my illness.  They want to understand why sometimes I'm playing with them other times I'm sick.  Before becoming a peaceful parent I was very reclusive and hid in my room.  While I'm not always physically available I make myself emotionally available.  It was hard at first but overtime it became easier and easier.  I like to think of it as an emotional muscle that I'm making more fit.

 

6.  I look at life is a work in progress.  I accept I will make mistakes and I will be fully responsible for the outcome of those mistakes.  I will always strive to better myself and become more educated in how to be a better parent.  I'm learning to look at failure as an opportunity to improve and not as an opportunity for self attack.

[Spenc]

 

Explaining to me all the failures and the results from said failures, is not really motivating me, but rather destroying the will to proceed, because i already know the failure and the consequences those bring. I would much rather appreciate tips on repairing and finding the most critical things to address first, because i have no energy and resources to tackle it all at once.

 

 

 

am currently considering calling in, but stefs show is starting my 1 am and its in the middle of the week, so i have to make arrangements to make that happen, if i dare calling in at all. All calls gets posted, and my anxiety is really a barrier for that. 

My main message was pointing out that principles, not "tips" are what will work.  If you're always getting sick, do you want to have a big pack of cough drops in the cupboard or would you rather have information on how to stay healthy and avoid catching cold?  Probably you'd like a pack of cough drops in your cupboard as insurance, but you'd rather have good habits of diet, exercise, hygiene, etc. to keep yourself healthy in teh first place, right? 

 

Make use of the Philosophical Parenting podcast series for sure, Stef explores these concepts in great detail in there.

 

You said it may sound like you are making excuses for yourself.  I do not believe that.  I think everyone reading your story has great empathy and sympathy for you and would not characterize your mistakes that way.  However......at the end of your post you say you don't think you can stay up past 1:00am to have a conversation with Stef that will provide you with essential guidance and insight on how to build and repair the bonds you have with your family......Dude, I'm sorry but "it's really late" is an excuse!  (Also, for your consideration, there is a weekend call-in as well as the mid-week show, so it doesn't even have to be a weeknight.)

 

The language you use is really interesting to me, and this is one reason I think you really need to have a conversation with Stef if you can since he is much better than me at parsing out these little details.  But I'll give you my two cents worth now....You make the implication that having to focus on your past mistakes makes you feel demotivated and destroys your will to proceed, and that once that happens you will fall back into depression or repeat your past struggles to some degree. 

 

Ignore your feelings on this for a moment and follow me on a logical argument against this.  You are basically saying that you want to move forward without focusing too much on your history, right?  Objectively, does it not make more sense that in order to make a successful plan in moving forward, having the deepest possible knowledge of your self and your history would be the best course of action?  It kind of works like the common phrase, "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it". 

 

I will also point out that you had stated that your obesity was forced on you by your injury circumstances.  You also pointed out elsewhere that you are working on getting into better health now, which will require "a lifestyle change when it comes to food".  These are contradicting statements right?  On the one hand you were forced to be overweight because of your condition, on the other hand you freely admit to unhealthy eating habits.  I'm bringing this up because it is a window into the way your mind works.  When you talk about the past, you give an external causation, when you're talking about the future you're talking about taking responsibility for yourself.  And when it comes to bonding with your kids, this isn't going to work in my opinion.  You need to be able to present yourself as fully responsible for your choices and actions, because credibility and authority are established by past experience not promises of future actions.

 

Please understand I wish you the best of luck!

[Kimmen]

@spence

It is not the problem that it is too late, but that my rig is in the bedrom where my wife and i sleep. Also the appartment is very small, so kids may wake up, hence why i said i need to make arrangements. I have been in contact with Michael, and he said that i cannot call in on weekends, i asked about that specifically since that would in fact help alot.

 

Obesity was forced upon me, the lifestyle changes i talk about is the issues i got after getting obese in the first place, allthough i can see why you thought it was contradicting. The lifestyle changes applies to last year, where i have comforteating after failing the education i was forced into and the consequenses of that following depression and weight gain.

 

@jaeger

Very nice share, you made good points and gratulations with your win thus far. It is indeed a long and hard journey to parent whilst dealing with chronic pain and sickness.

 

 

I am currently writing from my ipad, sad to say, from hospital. Turns out that yet again my hip-replacement could be loose. I am scared. I have no idea whats going to happen, but i fear the worst. Seems too me that i may need yet again a new surgery. Will know more in the next days after weekend. FML.

[Kimmen]

Its been over a month since i first made this post and i promised to give feedback on the tips and suggestions we got. We are very thankful for the helpful insights and the willingness to assist us in this troubled times.

 

@Gloria

We really took your second advice to heart and implemented it right away. We are very surprised and happy to announce that the issues now seems to be resolved. Whenever our son wakes up in the middle of the night, we now firmly follow your advice and its working. It was abit hard to begin with, as we and our children is used to us cuddle with them for a long time after the wake up in the night. In fact, our son has now achieved full time sleep and has reduced his troubles at night by an enormous amount. I believe we only had a couple of times the last 3-4 weeks, which with your advice went smoothly for us all. THANK YOU SO MUCH !! <3

 

Your third suggestion we have also implemented and stayed with for the last 4 weeks and this has also yield results. The temper tantrums has been reduced in numbers of times and in duration. My son now always get 3 hard-boiled eggs for lunch with him to school, to increase proteins during the day. He also get milk regularly at school. We also focus more on dinners that consist of chicken or fish. We have removed all products of pure sugars and they are only being given candy on Saturdays once a week. No more cookies and candy laying around the house for them to "steal". The results are finally making our family dynamics dramatically better for all of us. We are embarrassed to report that we have not got Iron vitamins as of yet, we will get it soon. 

 

In addition to this, we followed Stef's advise on negotiating with both kids as much as possible and explaining to them what plans we got for the day. We have stopped arguing with them during the tantrums and thank god, me and my wife has stopped yelling at them and at each-other. It is a huge change for us and we hope it stays like this from now on.

 

Your forth advise i am happy to report that i have started the weight-loss program and i have been at it for 4 weeks. I am now used to the regime and its going grate. I have lost 4.9 kilos in this time and it still going down. I also wrote some about my issues with eating unhealthy food in the evenings after the kids go to bed because of my depression, i am excited to report back that this has stopped entirely the last month and that my depression is lifting abit, another rather surprising win. I have started to exercise again, however, sadly, i got admitted to hospital for another 8 days, when i started to get tremendous amount of pain in my hip and lower back. The back pain is diagnosed to be prolapse, but nothing serious and i feel much better now. The hip pain, i thought was the hip-replacement loosening, since i had the same pain-patterns when i went with loose hip-replacement back in 2009-2011. It turns out, that the hip is not loose, but that the pain may come from the nerve damage i got from the 4cm leg adjustment. I have now started on nerve medication, and gratefully cut back on the opioids meds almost entirely as a result of that. I came home from hospital soon to be 2 weeks ago, and i have started to exercise again, and its going well, i even bought weight manuals to train my arms as im sitting down, its grate and i feel much better now. I have contacted a physiotherapist and will start up a program with them soon. 

 

@spence

Your suggestion to listen back to Stef's video, has also yield results. I did this with my wife and we both have restrained ourselves from yelling. We are managing the tantrums way more effective now and we have worked hard on negotiating before problems arise and we are slowly applying philosophical tools to our relationships. Thank you for that. <3

 

I have connected alot more with my kids and my wife this past month and i am living more and more in the moment instead of just being in the proximity. I play more with them and i am much more available to them all, this was scary for me, but i am happy i tried it and i am still trying hard to correct this behavior within my own mind and putting it out in practice. 

 

I do more and more together with my son, and i even told my wife today, how much things has improved over the past few months. I play super mario and mariocart with him, and he just loves it. I also started to drawing with him and puzzle with him and playing with beads with him, its healing for the both of us. I have negotiated that he will join me when i go for a walk to exercise, and in return, we will play chess, after we get home, as that is currently his new thing from school. The thing that i enjoy the most, is the conversations we have together now and i treasure that alot in our relationship, im so sad to have missed out on this stuff for so long. During the upcoming summer, i planned to take him fishing and mountaineering, just me and him. Thank you for your contributions on this topic thus far, really appreciate it. <3

 

@Jaeger

I got inspired from your post and i just want you to know that because of you, i have now made myself approachable even on the worst days. Now, my kids are coming back to me for more, and it seems that they no-longer are reserved to make contact, even if i have a terrible day. Even on bad days, i now interact with my family and i am coming out of isolation on purpose, i can see in my kids eyes that they respect this from me, and my youngest, my daughter thats 3 years old, walked up to me and said "Im so proud of you daddy, that you make time for me, even when i can see you are in pain". I melted and became very emotional, i never thought she could say anything like it or even understand at such young age. It was beautiful, just amazing moment. I experience the same as you, that now, my kids wish to be included in my conditions and we talk about them more in-debth and it seems to have cleared up some of their questions about my past absence.

 

Your point of looking at your mistakes as an opportunity to improve instead of self attack, really stuck with me. Wise words worth applying to all aspects of life and while i am a novice at doing that, i at the very least do my best to achieve that, rather giving up. Thank you for your help and assist buddy, and may we both harvest improvements as a result in the future.

 

- Summarizing, the overall conditions have improved tremendously and is continuing to improve as we speak. We still have issues, but it is healing and becoming way more manageable now, compared to when i made the first post. I observe that my son still got tendencies to say really hurtful things while he is angry. My wife and I, talk to him about that, and he says that he dont mean those things, but that it just comes out in rage. How should we go about this in our conversations to reduce the insults and may this come from his interaction with other kids at school and soccer practice? We both observe that these incidents has diminished over the past 4 weeks, but still, they come out. He does not get that from us, as we NEVER say things like that ever.

 

Greets

Kimmen  

 

 

 

 

[Jaeger]

Kimmen,

 

What wonderful news.      I'm so thrilled to hear the progress you're family is making.  Hearing about your daughter made my heart melt,  what a beautiful experience that must have been.   Those are the moments that make parenting such a joy.  Thank you so much for making yourself available to your children.  

[_LiveFree_]

What a wonderful thread!! Thank you to all who've posted! Great work!!

 

Kimmen, have you or your wife read/listened to Stefan's book Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love? The central point of the book is how to interact with those closest to you when emotions try to trip you up. May help with your son.

[Kimmen]

What a wonderful thread!! Thank you to all who've posted! Great work!!

 

Kimmen, have you or your wife read/listened to Stefan's book Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love? The central point of the book is how to interact with those closest to you when emotions try to trip you up. May help with your son.

 

Hey LiveFree,

My wife and I, have not read or listened to Stefans's book Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love. I searched for it now and found it for free at https://freedomainradio.com/free/

Here i can read it or listen to Stefan, while he reads it. My wife has dyslexia and hardly ever reads books, besides children's stories to our kids at bedtime and religious texts to boost her faith. So this audio file seems to be the way to go, if she is interested in it. I can't however figure out how to make that process easier. The audio file is 558 minutes long, and not sorted by chapters. I will have a go at it and perhaps get it in book form somewhere. Thank you for the tip, appreciate it.

[_LiveFree_]

Hey LiveFree,

My wife and I, have not read or listened to Stefans's book Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love. I searched for it now and found it for free at https://freedomainradio.com/free/

Here i can read it or listen to Stefan, while he reads it. My wife has dyslexia and hardly ever reads books, besides children's stories to our kids at bedtime and religious texts to boost her faith. So this audio file seems to be the way to go, if she is interested in it. I can't however figure out how to make that process easier. The audio file is 558 minutes long, and not sorted by chapters. I will have a go at it and perhaps get it in book form somewhere. Thank you for the tip, appreciate it.

 

I don't know if it will help, but someone uploaded it to YouTube.