This is not a sustainable way to exist, please help

[JohnnyBoy]

I had a conversation with my father a few weeks ago. He stayed in contact with his ex wife's (my mother's) family for 10 years after their divorce, even introducing my brother and I to them and trying to bring our lives together. My grandfather was a registered sex offender before he died, who molested my mother since she was a child. His wife covered for him and never testified against him. My father likes her facebook posts and sends her Christmas cards. She would have allowed her husband to molest my brother and I as well. He would have handed us up on a silver platter if my mother hadn't been so forceful about not having either of us around him. I asked him why he did this and he tried to break down the difference between molestation and rape to me. He now lives with the woman he cheated on my mother with and that woman's son. My mother has been emotionally incestuous with me since childhood. She has had a string of abusive relationships since my father divorced her, which I have repetitively tried to help her with. I live in a home owned by my grandmother, my father's mother. This situation was ok until I started seeing things that were right in front of me, so I am now looking elsewhere. I am a convicted felon so it is hard to find apartments but I will, most likely in the ghetto. During the hardest times in my life my father watched and my mother whined, and I consoled. Now I'm faced with an ugly truth, the only people I have now, whom I thought cared deeply for me do not. My father would have watched me die and my mother is a child. I have a decent job that I am happy with now, but when I look at my paycheck I see myself being extorted. I have been on some type of probation from the age of 18 to the age of 25, being extorted over and over again by my government. What hurts the most is that not only has much of society cast me aside, but that I have never experienced real love in my entire life. Every person from my parents to girlfriends, I now see never loved me. Just a repeating cycle of abuse. I have sought out substance abuse counselors who put me in to archaic 12 step programs and told me to pray and forgive my problems away. I have sought out therapists who did nothing but take my money, I have even tried hypnotherapy, which, of course didn't end up successful, and lastly I have gone straight to my father and mother for answers which they seem incapable of acknowledging. I am 26 with an iq of 124. I drink every day because I am in a state of constant anger or sadness that no one would ever be able to tell by talking to me. After jail, psychiatric units, recklessness, abuse, and constant fear, I am starting to see things more clearly, which is the silver lining here. It's just all hard to swallow and coming all at once for some reason. I saw none of this one year ago. If someone could send me some resources (mentoring perhaps) I would love to keep trying but honestly it seems that wherever I turn I run into a brick wall, and I still don't know how to make sense of all of this. Thankyou to Stefan as well, your videos have really helped me soooo much over the years if only you knew. Thanks, John

[Eudaimonic]

Try an Internal Family Systems Therapist. Self Therapy by Jay Earley is a good introduction to the concept.

[_LiveFree_]

JohnnyBoy, that's one helleva post  I'm so so sorry that this has been your life and that you're having to go through this. I want to caution you about making any big changes on your own without support around you. Those kinds of moves result in disaster. i know what you want in life because I want it to, we all do. Love. We want the joy of loving someone who loves us. We want to experience that joy every morning, day, and night. Let me tell you, there is no greater reason to change your life than that. The fact that you are here, having said the things that you did, and in the manner in which you said them, tells me that not only are you are great man worthy of such love, but that it's also only a matter of time before you find love. And a lot less time than you probably think. 

Let me tell you a small bit about my journey and my girlfriend's journey as there are a couple of similarities to your own. My parents never loved me either. In fact they never took the time to get to know me. When I finally came to that realization it felt like dying. It was my original heartbreak that I had covered over for decades. But in time, just like any wound, my heart healed, although scarred.  One of the reasons I came out of that period of my life relatively intact was that I recognized what a disaster I was, so I laid fallow. I got a boring job, did not go on dates, did not try to find a group to be a part of, did not look for love outside of myself. There was a lot of work to do in order to get me to the point where the things that I wanted out of life would come naturally. 

A watershed moment was a call to Stefan that lasted about an hour. The climax of which was three words he spoke to me, "You be honest!" In context, it was about how to attract a good woman. Little did I know that those three words would completely change how I see myself. My whole life had been spent around people who did nothing but lie and twist the truth. Truth was not allowed in my family. Naturally, that same behavior was what I did everyday without being completely conscious of it. 

Well, once I started applying truth telling to those people in my life who mattered to me, which at that time was only me, do you know how long it took before I found a great woman? 2 months. Now, she and I have certainly had a journey in order to get our lives to come together, but we both wanted it enough and honesty has always been the bedrock of our relationship. It's an amazing thing. 

Like you and I, her parents never loved her either. Her dad sexually molested her and her mother emotionally and medically abused the hell out of her. By the time she was 14 she was addicted to pain killers and alcohol in addition to excessive weed use. Also, like you, she found Stefan one day on YouTube, and eventually found her way to this message board, where I found her. She wanted to get healthy. The first step to getting healthy is getting clean. She's been 100% drug/alcohol free for over two years. There were some false starts but she made it. A big part of getting and staying clean was going to NA meetings. We are not religious at all and she struggled with the whole god thing. And to be completely open about it, she never worked the steps. There's something about going to the same place, seeing the same people, hearing the same stories every week (or daily if you need) that helps to keep you grounded. Addiction is a bitch. Disease or not you won't be able to do it alone. AA is free to attend, and there is no expectation that you speak or pray. The guy who'd regularly run the meetings we'd go to said for years he'd go to meetings and just sit in the back corner looking at his phone hoping no one would see him. Last time we attended a meeting he said it was his 12 year anniversary. The meeting before that featured a guy 22 years sober. It can be done and you don't need God, just sympathetic ears to listen to you. 

So please, consider this. I know AA can be cringe. But going to a cringe AA meeting is better than opening another bottle. 

Something else I hope you'll consider is trying to find a good therapist and then giving it time. Yes there are shitty therapists out there. I've had a few. All you need is one good one. The odds are in your favor but you have to look around, make calls, etc. 

 

 

You need someone in your corner who is legally bound to never tell any of your secrets. Plus a good therapist will take your off office hour calls when things are not going well. It's always hardest in the beginning. 

 

So from the time Stefan spoke those three words to me until now is just over three years. I've gone from being a bachelor on a wicked dry spell, no career, almost no friends, shitty apartment, unmanageable debt, no hope, to now; beautiful girlfriend who moved in with me. We got a nice apartment in a good area of town. I grew the balls necessary to demand of my boss's boss's boss that they create a new position for me at work that comes with a substantial raise because of the value I bring and will bring to the company. Did it, got it. Bought a new car. No more break downs. Have a decent kitchen to cook food other than noodles or PB&J. Oh, and I have ZERO assholes in my life. You'll never know how good life can be until you leave all the assholes behind. 

If you're really looking for change, as I think you are, do this one thing. Get a pocket sized notepad. Write on it specific things you need to do for that week. Then pull this list out of your pocket and look at it multiple times a day. Do those things on the list. 

 

Ex list:

listen to an entire FDR podcast (go for an oldie pre-1500)

attend AA meeting

call 5 therapists' offices

stay sober

exercise!

eat an apple

drink water

Make a journal entry

 

keep the list on you. Let it consume your thoughts. And when your inner critic berates you with, "You fucking idiot! This is retarded!" Calmly yet resolutely reply, "I appreciate your opinion, but I don't think that it is and I want to give it a shot." The list is your practical steps to dramatically improving your life. And if you fuck up, it's ok. Try again. 

 

A desire for change always precedes actual change. You can do it. 

Edited May 7, 2017 by _LiveFree_
Always spelling

[Pod]

I think this caller in this show has a lot that can be paralleled with your experience. 

 

Edited October 9, 2017 by Pod

[dysfunc_survivor]

Sorry to hear about your childhood, JohnnyBoy. I agree with Eudaimonic that IFS is useful. Search for Gerlach on YouTube, he also has a website for selfhelp using IFS http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm

I recently read Running on Empty by Jonice Webb which was useful. I have attended some ACA 12-step meetings, which I see you also have, but for me it's hit or miss. Usually a lot of very misinformed people in those groups, sadly.

If you have a job you actually are happy with, hold on to it!