How to be more positive/happy?

[ChadT]

Hello, 

I am new to this forum, I found out about FDR around a year ago, but only really started watching the videos on youtube and listening to the podcasts recently. I have donated to support FDR and I'm looking to give another donation soon enough due to the high-quality content that this community has provided. This is one of the most informative places I've seen in a long time with a lot of knowledge being spread. I would just like to thank everyone for this.

I have a question that I am unable to answer, and it's a pretty basic one, how do you be happy? I'll give a little context for asking this.

I'm the type of guy who sees a problem and will put everything towards fixing it. I personally live a good life, I'm pretty successful for my age, relatively smart, got a level head and have a good plan for my life going forward. My girlfriend is not so fortunate, she had a bad life growing up and isn't that successful and struggles month to month to afford her rent etc. She was homeschooled when she was younger and therefore had issues trying to progress in getting a good education. She hates her job, struggles for money, doesn't have many good quality friends and is always in a bad mood. She attributes her being in a bad mood to her circumstance and stress, but its been like this for 2 years now. A day doesn't go by where she isn't in a bad mood anymore. 

Me being me, I want to try to fix this, but I feel powerless and have no idea how to even approach this, I've just tried to be supportive of her and guide her on what to do, but it does not seem to be working.

I don't know what to do, I just want for her to be happy, I find it ends up bringing me down every day because of the negativity, and if I could get her to be more positive, I would, in turn, be more positive. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this post, I would appreciate any responses you might have. Thanks!

[Kathy L]

Hi, ChatT, and good morning!

First, trust that all will be well. Hard things don't last forever, and sometimes after years of hardship it's easy to become discouraged.

I have a couple of questions about your girlfriend that will help me answer your query--I think I have some answers for you, or at least helpful statements!

1. Regarding her homeschooling you said "...and therefore had issues trying to progress in getting a good education." What does this mean? How has she tried to further her education?

2. Does she read? Is she "a reader" as we would say, those of us who do read.

3. Does she have tattoos?

4. Are you having sexual relations with her?

This forum is a great place for super-quality thinking and answers to what ails us. Forgive me please if I've gotten too personal.

Kathy

[ChadT]

7 minutes ago, Kathy L said:

Hi, ChatT, and good morning!

First, trust that all will be well. Hard things don't last forever, and sometimes after years of hardship it's easy to become discouraged.

I have a couple of questions about your girlfriend that will help me answer your query--I think I have some answers for you, or at least helpful statements!

1. Regarding her homeschooling you said "...and therefore had issues trying to progress in getting a good education." What does this mean? How has she tried to further her education?

2. Does she read? Is she "a reader" as we would say, those of us who do read.

3. Does she have tattoos?

4. Are you having sexual relations with her?

This forum is a great place for super-quality thinking and answers to what ails us. Forgive me please if I've gotten too personal.

Kathy

5

Hello Kathy,

 

Thanks so much for your response, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

 

To answer your questions;

1. She did, I met her 4 years ago when I met her she literally had no official education. I got her to do some online school thing and then get her GED, she then went to college and is working for a company called Ulta as an esthetician (Her course was for Esthetics). She sort of regrets that decision though because she absolutely hates her job, her job put her off doing esthetics. So she does have her GED and did go to college. She is currently looking for jobs whilst working full time though. And a veterinary company has shown interest in her but this was very recently so we don't have much information on them yet. It's probably important to note that she is 21 years old and I'm 20. 

2. She does not read.

3. She doesn't have tattoo's right now, but she does want some. I have been in opposition to it, but she really really wants some. She is a big believer in "Self Expression". She does have a few ear rings and a septum piercing. I have been opposed to the septum piercing but not the ear rings. 

4. We are in a long distance relationship. This part is actually kind of weird. We met 4 and a half years ago, and during the time before we first met in person we were relatively "intimate" online, I don't want to get too personal here but for instance, she used to send me pictures etc and we would call and do stuff on the phone and skype etc. Then we met for the first time and engaged in sexual intercourse. After she went back the first time she was just the same as before after a while. Then when we met the second time which was a few months after the first time, when she went back, it turned out that her mum had lost the house because her mum has never worked and they used to be supported by her father's child support payments. During this time she was highly stressed and had to temporarily stay in a hotel etc before I got her to go live with her dad (her dad lives the other side of the country). after moving in with her dad, she never did those things again. So since 2 years ago, while we have been apart, we might have only did that stuff only 1 or 2 times. She stayed with her dad for around a year and a bit, then she moved out to get a flat with one of her friends from college. This was a big thing for me because, for the first two years, she was pretty sexual, but now it's nothing. When we meet up, however, she is normal. The last time we met was in December, and I've not seen her naked or even spoken about sexual stuff to her at all, and when I do try to bring the subject up, she just shuts it down. When I question her on why she isn't like how she used to be, she just says stuff like "I'm too stressed and I just don't feel like that anymore". We have met 4 times in person now, the first time was for 2 weeks, the others were for around a month. I'm going to be applying for a CR-1 visa in October to move to the USA to live there with her though because the distance is causing a lot of issues. 

The problem with me is that I don't just give up, so I'll stay in the relationship and try to "make her happy like she used to be" if that's even possible. To me, without considering the time we were together (when we are together we get on really really well with each other.) The first two years of the relationship was great, the rest hasn't been that great. 

Thanks!

[neeeel]

In general, you cant fix people. You can only fix yourself. 

 

The question is, why are you with her? She sounds, at the very least, to be depressed and mixed up, if not very dysfunctional. 

 

What is it that you love about her?

[Drew.]

8 hours ago, ChadT said:

I have a question that I am unable to answer, and it's a pretty basic one, how do you be happy? I'll give a little context for asking this.

I'm the type of guy who sees a problem and will put everything towards fixing it. I personally live a good life, I'm pretty successful for my age, relatively smart, got a level head and have a good plan for my life going forward. My girlfriend is not so fortunate, she had a bad life growing up and isn't that successful and struggles month to month to afford her rent etc. She was homeschooled when she was younger and therefore had issues trying to progress in getting a good education. She hates her job, struggles for money, doesn't have many good quality friends and is always in a bad mood. She attributes her being in a bad mood to her circumstance and stress, but its been like this for 2 years now. A day doesn't go by where she isn't in a bad mood anymore. 

Me being me, I want to try to fix this, but I feel powerless and have no idea how to even approach this, I've just tried to be supportive of her and guide her on what to do, but it does not seem to be working.

I think that happiness is our natural state of being. If someone is unhappy, it means that there has been a deviation from their norm. Fixing that deviation should allow happiness to return. I've found therapy to be effective for that.

It sounds like your girlfriend is not having her psychological needs met, the requirement for happiness. There is nothing that you can do to meet her psychological needs. You should not try to meet her psychological needs, as it will not make her happy in the long run and will not allow her to develop this for herself, stunting her. Therapy helps with meeting psychological needs, too.

[ChadT]

2 hours ago, neeeel said:

In general, you cant fix people. You can only fix yourself. 

 

The question is, why are you with her? She sounds, at the very least, to be depressed and mixed up, if not very dysfunctional. 

 

What is it that you love about her?

She is a good person, She does have her issues, but I have my issues too, no one is perfect. She has a good side to her and generally when asking questions about someone's faults, people tend to only talk about the issues. 

 

I don't want to fix her as such, more to get her back to be the same as she used to be, she hates her life right now, it's not her as a person, more her circumstance.

[ChadT]

5 minutes ago, Drew Davis said:

I think that happiness is our natural state of being. If someone is unhappy, it means that there has been a deviation from their norm. Fixing that deviation should allow happiness to return. I've found therapy to be effective for that.

It sounds like your girlfriend is not having her psychological needs met, the requirement for happiness. There is nothing that you can do to meet her psychological needs. You should not try to meet her psychological needs, as it will not make her happy in the long run and will not allow her to develop this for herself, stunting her. Therapy helps with meeting psychological needs, too.

Can you expand upon this, I'm not sure I fully understand?

[neeeel]

2 minutes ago, ChadT said:

She is a good person

You realise this tells me nothing, right? Its basically "why do you like her? because I like her"

 

[Drew.]

7 minutes ago, ChadT said:

Can you expand upon this, I'm not sure I fully understand?

What is it that you do not understand? There is a lot that I can share regarding that.

[ChadT]

1 minute ago, neeeel said:

You realise this tells me nothing, right? Its basically "why do you like her? because I like her"

 

There are a few reasons;

 

We get along together really well, more than I've ever had with anyone else. 

When we are together, its some of the best times of my life. 

She understands me more than most people I know. 

she will help me fix issues when I need support. 

She has been with me when I really needed someone, and when she really needed someone. 

 

 

I don't really know what is youre looking for with this question?

[ChadT]

2 minutes ago, Drew Davis said:

What is it that you do not understand? There is a lot that I can share regarding that.

"It sounds like your girlfriend is not having her psychological needs met. " 

 

What do you mean by this?

[Drew.]

Just now, ChadT said:

"It sounds like your girlfriend is not having her psychological needs met. " 

 

What do you mean by this?

We all have needs. Physical needs are like oxygen, water, food, and sleep. If we are lacking in a physical need, boy are we not happy. Psychological needs fundamentally all boil down to expressions of love: esteem, pride, validation, acceptance, interest, etc. If she had a rough childhood, then she did not learn how to provide esteem, validation, interest, etc. for herself as an adult. It is the same thing with psychological needs as physical needs.

[neeeel]

1 minute ago, ChadT said:

There are a few reasons;

 

We get along together really well, more than I've ever had with anyone else. 

When we are together, its some of the best times of my life. 

She understands me more than most people I know. 

she will help me fix issues when I need support. 

She has been with me when I really needed someone, and when she really needed someone. 

 

 

I don't really know what is youre looking for with this question?

because everything you said in your OP was negative about her, so I wondered why you were with her, and what qualities you liked about her

 

What you said in the OP also contradicts that you "get along really well" and its been the "best times of your life"

[ChadT]

Just now, neeeel said:

because everything you said in your OP was negative about her, so I wondered why you were with her, and what qualities you liked about her

 

What you said in the OP also contradicts that you "get along really well" and its been the "best times of your life"

When we are together we get along really well and that's the best times of my life, I stand by this. The issue isn't when we are together, its when we are apart.

[ChadT]

4 minutes ago, Drew Davis said:

Psychological needs fundamentally all boil down to expressions of love

I'm curious as to how this can be fixed, surely the only way to fix this is to give those things?

Sorry, I'm not that experienced with this stuff so maybe I'm getting it wrong?

[Drew.]

Just now, ChadT said:

I'm curious as to how this can be fixed, surely the only way to fix this is to give those things?

Sorry, I'm not that experienced with this stuff so maybe I'm getting it wrong?

You have been giving her love when you meet with her, as you described that things are great when you are there but things turn south when you are apart. Has it worked?

She needs to provide it for herself. If she cannot do it now, then to be happy she needs to learn how to provide it for herself. Therapy helps with that.

[Rachelle]

Hello, Chad and thank you for sharing something so personal.

I've been in a relationship that shares some similarities. The relationship I was in was more of a friendship or mentor/student so take that difference into consideration. The similarities are that I was also home schooled and lacking an official education, the relationship was long distance, and I was also guided by this person. The relationship ultimately ended after around 2-3 years. I don't know if it will be like this for you but I can offer my perspective and suggestions.

My number one suggestion that I can't stress enough is to just be honest with her. Specifically, be honest with her about your experience of the relationship. Let her know how her negativity or actions are affecting you and your enjoyment of it and that you don't know what to do to help or even if you can. If you aren't honest with her about your experience then you're not really the one in the relationship with her and real connection becomes impossible. Instead, what can happen is that characters (like being the Guide) get created that you act out depending on her mood in hopes that it will change whatever negative emotion she's experiencing. If anything it'll only temporarily change her mood but it won't identify the root cause of her feelings and so they'll come back (like when you're gone/not playing the character) and it'll also hurt you because you're not being yourself. I would just be careful and see if you're comfortable being honest/yourself in the relationship and if not then do further exploration into why that is.

You said that you're a fixer and that you want to fix her being in a bad mood all the time. Fundamentally I don't believe you can and I'd also be careful of seeing any emotion/mood in need of being fixed. That's not to say I don't understand wanting to feel different emotions other than negative ones all the time. It's just how you go about treating yourself in order to feel differently. Are you being forceful or deceptive or aggressive in order to temporarily change the emotion or are you validating how you feel and identifying the root cause of the feeling?. In my experience once you understand where the emotion is coming from you can help heal the wound the feeling is bringing attention to or you work toward leaving/changing the environment or people around you that's causing it. Finding the root cause may not be easy if it comes from childhood trauma and while exploring that it can be very scary. Which is why I think it's important you learn better ways to treat yourself (get better tools) and therapy can help with that. I'd ask both yourself and her if either of you want to be in a romantic relationship where you're seen as needing to be fixed or needing to fix your partner and how this would make you feel in both roles.

You can support her but you can't do the work of figuring out why she feels what she does and you can't choose for her to want to do that work. You can be her ally but not he savior because you're not her, you haven't lived her life or experienced what she's experienced or  made her choices so it's not possible for you to feel what she does and find out why. Even in therapy the therapist won't do all the work for the person, because they can't. If she's going to stop at saying it's circumstances or stress then she's not going to get very far in self-understanding and won't exercise much control in her life. Which will likely make her feel helpless (and depressed), and you coming in to try to do the work for her will not aid her in that feeling of helplessness it'll just make it worse. Again, to be clear you can definitely support her, just be careful not to take control or attempt to do work that she has to do herself, and above all be honest with her about your experience and what you want from the relationship. It may just be she's not able to give what you're looking for right now and it's best to find that out as soon as possible for both your sake and hers. I stress "it may" because I don't know whether or not it will work for you two, these are just my concerns and my suggestions based on my experience and conclusions I've come to after much work. So I could be wrong, or what I said may not even apply to your situation. Whatever the case is I hope you take care of yourself.

 

 

 

[Boss]

Well, I look at a few things in regards to happiness. 

Health, get a check up and get blood work done. If you are deficient or have something like high mercury levels that could be causing depression 

Diet, make sure you are including foods with the essential nutrients the body needs. Also, some find monitoring their blood sugar levels can help

Fitness, exercise has been shown to combat depression 

Mental state, even tho I haven't tried it, therapy has been shown to be effective. I personally recommend self-knowledge and being a truth seeker. 

I like to evaluate the truth of the situation. After knowing the truth you then have a solid foundation to decide what to do. There is a famous bible verse, "Know the truth, and the truth shall set you free"