self development How to Argue

[Tasl]

Hello all, 

What are some quality resources to teach one how to argue opposing views?

I got into an argument with a very close friend and I think our argument about whether or not I should mention peaceful parenting practices to my roommate (who clearly lacks this with her kids), damaged the relationship. I feel like it's damaged because of my argument style and I would like to improve my methods. 

 

Thanks!!

[Drew.]

I'm not sure of any resources to offer, but I have found somethings to be particularly effective or helpful. But, first, we cannot change anyone. They change themselves, and the best we can do is offer guidance, structure, and support.

So, the first thing I do is try to seek common ground. It's important that the argument does not get polarized like a political debate between republicans and democrats. The way that I like to look at it is that you want to less get into an argument/debate and have more of a discussion of ideas. You want to be trying to head toward the same goal, not trying to beat the other person's arguments or position. Another thing that I try to be aware of to stave off and circumvent is conclusions/labels that are applied to people. I try never to say something like, "You're a bad parent," and I actively try to predict and deal with those potential inferences, where I might say, "It's bad parenting. You're not a bad parent, but it's not good for the children." Something that I have found helpful is to say something along the lines of, "we all could be better (at) x." Even really awesome, peaceful parents could still be better parents. There is always room for improvement, and don't the children deserve that? Most parents do want what is best for their children, but they have bad conclusions about how to obtain it. Don't press the other too hard on a conclusion. They will either fight back or submit for the sake of getting past it, and no lasting change will occur. Finally, be aware of the emotional climate of the conversation. If emotions and tensions are escalating, the conversation is too stressful to learn anything.

[Tasl]

53 minutes ago, Drew Davis said:

I'm not sure of any resources to offer, but I have found somethings to be particularly effective or helpful. But, first, we cannot change anyone. They change themselves, and the best we can do is offer guidance, structure, and support.

So, the first thing I do is try to seek common ground. It's important that the argument does not get polarized like a political debate between republicans and democrats. The way that I like to look at it is that you want to less get into an argument/debate and have more of a discussion of ideas. You want to be trying to head toward the same goal, not trying to beat the other person's arguments or position. Another thing that I try to be aware of to stave off and circumvent is conclusions/labels that are applied to people. I try never to say something like, "You're a bad parent," and I actively try to predict and deal with those potential inferences, where I might say, "It's bad parenting. You're not a bad parent, but it's not good for the children." Something that I have found helpful is to say something along the lines of, "we all could be better (at) x." Even really awesome, peaceful parents could still be better parents. There is always room for improvement, and don't the children deserve that? Most parents do want what is best for their children, but they have bad conclusions about how to obtain it. Don't press the other too hard on a conclusion. They will either fight back or submit for the sake of getting past it, and no lasting change will occur. Finally, be aware of the emotional climate of the conversation. If emotions and tensions are escalating, the conversation is too stressful to learn anything.

This is helpful! Thank you!

[Frederik]

What makes you think the relationship with your friend was damaged because of your argument style? If you don’t mind me asking.