Reducing my emotional response when people bully me

[RamynKing]

I seem to be very prone to a high fight or flight response when people are IRRATIONALLY angry at me.

Take this story:

A senior employee who is a known jerk at my company came at me in a fairly bullying tone, aggressively tapping these instruction papers at me. I had misread her instructions and handled a job according to how i thought it was, and she found out and had to correct me. I have no problem admitting when I screw up, and apologizing etc. But this woman is a bad communicator. She writes confusing instructions. I told her it was confusing and showed her what happened and she left. I know from experience I won't get her to change her ways on this issue. No apology to me for her attack. She got what she wanted. She wants there to be no chance of scrutiny falling on her for this. I wouldn't have said anything anyway. It's just part of the work process. But it's about job preservation for her. Which is understandable in the current climate, but she takes it to game of thrones levels.

The problem is that it's an hour later, and I'm still thinking about it. playing every angle for myriad reasons. maybe I really was wrong? maybe I can get justice somehow?
Something about her approach really set me off and put me in a defensive emotional state for a stupidly long time. Which she may or may not perceive, but I bet she loves the power trip she gets treating everyone like this and everyone being just a little scared. It's really not fair that I have to now be in a sub-optimal state for an hour or more, and she just walks away no problem.

What I'd like to accomplish is to lower my emotional response in these situations, at least once I realize I did nothing wrong. It takes a long time for me to get out of this physiological state, and frankly I don't have time for it, nor do I need the stress. And I'd love to stop the bullies from winning.

I hope this has been enough of an explanation. I can talk further if need be.

[shirgall]

In negotiation when dealing with someone that is venting it help to visualize "going to the balcony" as if you were watching an actor on the stage playing a part. Venting, displays, and narratives are often important to people in the moment, but you have to reflect on what really is affected. The aggressive senior employee may be invested in the success of the operation you performed for a variety of reasons, and their aggression is a response to the anxiety they feel about that success.

You did the right thing by accepting fault, but what helps with these issues is a credible assurance that the mistake won't happen again by indicating how things will be different. "I know now" or "I'll put that in the checklist for next time" etc.

[Drew.]

I had an experience the other day that was similar in nature, but not severity, to what you described. I was angry at the surface, but I was also experiencing hurt, sorrow, and fear underneath that anger. I knew that with my anger, I had to really try to explore and understand it. So, I journaled as much as I could to connect with my emotions. I leaned into the anger. I listened to what my anger was trying to tell me. That what this person had done was wrong, and also that I felt hurt. I knew that due to the intensity of my anger given the small sleight, something was amplifying my emotions. I tried to think back to when something similar happened to me as a child, because I think that I still carried that historical hurt. So, I explored that historical memory and resolved it, and the level of hurt and anger that I was experiencing dissolved. I could see things more objectively, and while I was still hurt and angry, it was much less so, a more manageable, appropriate, accurate, and fitting level. Now, I'm kind of glad that I had the experience, because I am less vulnerable to attack and I was able to provide for more of my psychological needs.

I second what Shirgall said, and imaging the person as putting on a performance is not imagery that I have ever heard of before, but I quite like. I would say probably about 100% of the time (I really wanna say 99% to hedge) that when someone does this, it's never personal. It's always about them. In a way, it would be nice if it was personal, because that means that they care about us, although in a negative direction. I also agree that this senior is probably dumping their excess, uncomfortable emotions onto you, further adding to the fact that it is not personal. It's not fair, and you don't deserve it, but understanding what the other person is doing does help.

[_LiveFree_]

Permanent solution: identify how your parents bullied you. Confront them. Move on. 

Done. 

[shirgall]

48 minutes ago, _LiveFree_ said:

Permanent solution: identify how your parents bullied you. Confront them. Move on. Done. 

I have observed that my ability to remain passive under stress, especially yelling, has a lot to do with being yelled at as a kid.

[ofd]

Quote

What I'd like to accomplish is to lower my emotional response in these situations, at least once I realize I did nothing wrong.

Desentize yourself. The trick is to live through these situations in a safe place. Learn some basic relaxation technique (breathing, muscle relaxation) and then think about a situation that caused you discomfort. Notice how you react to it, with the increased heartrate what have you. Stay in there. No matter how strong the negative reaction is, you will notice that it becomes weaker over time. Rinse and repeat until the negative reaction is no longer that threatening.

[Spenc]

One thought that was occurring to me earlier today--I was serving a client who had previously created various difficulties for me and my staff--was that people will try to project into you their own emotions.  So I obviously have no evidence to the contrary, but I find it interesting that you just assume the other person in your story was unaffected after your exchange, whereas you were still stewing for an hour after.  It occurs to me that this person is so vain and insecure that they were going to be perpetually re-experiencing the embarrassment of their inarticulacy that they were similarly trying to produce a negative feeling for you that would fester for a long time as well. 

 

In regards to Drew's experience, I am thinking an apt metaphor might be like a snowball, where it has been accumulating for a long time and then a single roll further adds one thin layer more of snow on the surface which draws your attention and conceals the greater mass of snow beneath that has been packed together for a long long time.  You look at this hefty mass and the only part visible is the surface layer which is overall insignificant to the full mass.

 

[alt10]

I like the way Ramit Sethi gets technical on those issues; this YT video is on a different subject, but it may help https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWpMxuVAd3I

[RamynKing]

Thanks guys. Very helpful ideas.

I definitely have some work to do in this area.

I agree it is connected to childhood experiences, some I can remember and some not. And some I have confronted, and some not.

[Garrett]

I can really relate to you RamynKing. I've had very similar experiences, and I've lived my life over-reacting emotionally to things without knowing exactly why.

Here is a video describing how to release past negative associations that amplify your emotional responses.

At first to me it looked like a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo, but I tried it anyway because all it cost me was a little time. I was surprised to find it worked pretty well.