Toxic relationship and prostitutes

[Deformat]

Hi everyone, first post ever around here. This is gonna be a pretty extreme roller coaster, you've been warned.

Back when I just finished highschool with some pretty decent grades for where I live, I started hanging with this chick. Knew her sister, we went to a debate competition together, and when I met her, somehow I got attracted by her. Since it was the last year of highschool, I kept things extremely light since I cared for my grades. After that, hanged out with her, got more and more attracted, but woke up she just and this biker were together now. Oh well, bad timing on my part. But hey, she's 5 years older than me, she could be useful for me at University. She broke with the biker, got interested, argued at one point because of me lending her some money, got my money back, no issues. She seemed honest, and was pretty darn smart from a social point of view. I knew she was a alcoholic, she failed a couple of her years, she was a writer (and hell, she even took notes and grouped her closest friends), she studied landscape architecture, but she actually pushed me at occasions to do pretty smart stuff (I gave up my first university since, well...it was a piece of trash. Some cheap-ass university with teachers coming drunk at courses, yet she pushed me to go and try to visit other universities in my country to have a better set of options, and at occasions, she was the person noticing practical things I did in a completely stupid fashion none of my friends mentioned).

At one point however, as she was single, she had an accident in her family on Christmas Day. Her uncle and her uncle's niece were in the hospital with small odds of getting alive. She wanted us to hang out in the middle of the night for some whiskey. Hanged out the next night as well, when as we got out of a bar, we saw a guy on the ground. Jesus, some hobo on an empty street. However, she went at him, and pulled his head. His face was full of red blood and he was half-conscious. The following convo happened:
-Let's carry him!

-You sure you know what you're doing?

-Just carry him!

-You sure?

-Yes!

-Okay...

She did not have any idea. This is a medical error, and he could have died in my arms, but thankfully, the guy was OK the next day, after we got him his family and an ambulance (yes, his sister and mom arrived in 15 mins, the ambulance in 45...). Granted, she was in deep sorrow and after some alcohol, so I'll excuse her for that. I drank too. Later that night, we went to a club, she danced with some dude and it was pretty heavy and it was clear she wasn't OK at all, mentally. Yes, beta as fuck, but then again, I'll excuse her since I wanted a break from her existence as well.

A few days earlier, I found out after a long, long time that I was admitted to a university in Austria. In my extreme case, where bureaucracy happened, I was totally immature and had no idea of relationships, and my emotions were all over the place, as a 19 y.o. dude, I got heavily attached to her. However, on New Year's Eve, after some alcohol, I half-lost my virginity with some other chick at a party. Yea, that was fucked up. However, I decided not to tell her at all, and went ahead like some cuck with flowers at her place in my attempt for us to get together. She refused me, we argued, and broke up. The frustration after this made me go for a prostitute, to lose my virginity properly, and perhaps calm myself. It didn't calm shit, and left the place empty as hell. Empty soul, empty dick, empty wallet.

We became friends again a month or so later. She was now in a relationship with some weirdo, I was now 20 years old. I refused Vienna afterwards, since I woke up that it meant to waste my parents' money on something I did not know whether I had the balls to do, or that I'd even do it properly. I was afraid I'd fail, and that I'd just bankrupt my parents.

Got back into her dramas. In one night, she called me and told me she broke up with this dude. In my stupidity, I was pretty happy, thought I'd actually have a chance. However, she told me she wants to meet the biker again and get back with him. The biker owns a club, so I said to myself "Meh, maybe I get free alcohol again. At least try not to pay for my suffering." However, they argued. We went back to the weirdo's workplace which was...a club, and thankfully got some free alcohol. They got together, but some time later, the biker with his gang come there, and well, they argue for some money. At this point, I'm at 300ml of vodka and 2 glasses of wine, I no longer care, so I go home. Next day, I hear that a fight happened. Lucky me. Couple days later, the dude who actually owned a gun, chased her and the weirdo through town just for fun.

A few weeks later, I get out with her, and whilst we were both pretty good looking people, in a fancy bar, drinking whiskey and vodka, she gets a phone call. She starts to put her hands as if she's praying and starts murmuring something. "You ok?", "Leave me for a bit!". I did for about 10 mins. I thought this was a joke. No, she actually got a phone call from someone to do incantations. This is Eastern Europe, not Africa, mind you.

Eventually, I snapped, tried one last time to give me a chance, but she was with this weirdo, she told me "no", so I broke up. Went for a prostitute before my admission exam to forget her before my exam. Couple months later, whilst at my new uni in a different city, I ask her to give me some advice with some logic homework. She helps me out pretty well, we gel up again. When I get back in my hometown, we get back, her relationship sucks, and so on. We rarely talked about "what went wrong" because she never wanted to. She just wanted things to go forward. And we didn't talk again, her bf was clearly mad at this, whilst I felt bad for him, thinking that I made a mistake. She called me at her place (rare occasion...) few days later, "we and others might throw a little party".. She was dressed...well, casually, but sorta sexy casual. I brought two bottles of wine. We talked, she seemed really happy and touchy-feely about me getting back to her. However, I felt disgusted by this, internally. Afterwards, she felt sort of offended I brought an extra bottle of wine. Yea, you get the message.

Tried to talk with her on FB. At one point, I ask her what she's doing. She's like "Sex. Lots of sex." I get angry, we argue, break it up with her, go to a prostitute again. Couple days later, I meet my first girlfriend ever. Our relationship was OK-ish, but she was no longer interested, she wanted to break it up on my 21st birthday, I broke it up, she told me "hey, let's stay friends", "hey, how about no."

Failed my first university year. After that, I had to go home, and just study for my admission again, since my parents started to think that I lost my minds (since, well, personal secrets in my family, are never secrets, sadly.)

Got myself sorted out, in many ways. The last year felt like a prison. Haven't had a job, haven't had extra stuff. Got admitted with a pretty good grade, started "sorting myself out", thanks to Jordan Peterson's lectures. Feel like a better, more grounded person. I've even went for JP's self-authoring suite, still wanna write the past and future ones. Haven't went to prostitutes, avoided promiscuous behavior, avoided toxic people. I did do one last thing before JP's stuff, that was messaging this girl on New Year's Eve after, well, 4 hours slept in a total of 4 nights. But asked her quickly to block me.

I found out later, from a acquaintance I found out that, according to the biker, the chick might have been pregnant. It's dubious information, since when he went with her, he was married.

I sadly still think about her, and some toxic thoughts appear now and then, and I have just the following two questions in mind:

1. I believe in trust with your partner. How will I ever tell my future wife (whoever she might be) that I went for prostitutes? I won't? Did I fuck up my mind for life?

2. With this toxic relationship of mine - I still think about her, stalk her occasionally when I'm drunk, but I haven't done something seriously in the past time. Am I insane, or will time clear things up? I kept writing about her, thinking it might clear up my mind, but perhaps I should structure what went bad with her, and write this more often.

Thanks to whoever had the patience to read this, and sorry for the long wall of text.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Deformat
Extra details

[Spenc]

Closure is about certainty, not forgiveness.  So it seems like you are pretty certain this woman is not good for you, so your continued thinking, stalking, etc. with this woman are not to do with her or your relationship with her.  Most likely you are uncertain and unclear about yourself in some way.  You have not developed the knowledge and wisdom that would lead you to a better (or good) relationship, so you stay fixated on this horrible relationship because it is safer for you to stay fixated on her than to throw yourself into the deep end on some new horrible woman where you lack the conscious knowledge that she isn't right.  That's my theory anyways.

Explore your own self and your family patterns and try to find wisdom there and establish certainty and closure from there.

 

Again, without closure about yourself, you;re never going to find this great future wife.  So current YOU cannot fathom closure about your past behaviours, you still judge yourself on these actions and thus you imagine all other people would be right to as well.  And until you gain the wisdom and closure to get past it yourself, other people will see that you are not past it and they will judge you.  So that is why you cannot fathom being honest about yourself in the future, because future YOU is the only version of yourself that can even fathom honesty and closure

[ShindouHikaru]

This is a huge topic bro. Not even sure where to begin or where one can begin. I read this entire thing and didn't see a lick of introspection. Might want to start there. Some questions to ask yourself. 

Why are you attracted to this extremely dysfunctional woman? Why did you think that it was a good idea to go to a prostitute? What have you learnt about your internal motivations? What is your relationship with your parents like? Are there any parallels between your parent's relationship with each other and the relationship you had with this woman? 

1. If I were a woman and I heard all of this, I'd be quite alarmed. And if you present yourself as not knowing why you thought it was a good idea to go for a prostitute, I'd run immediately. So it would probably be a good idea to not focus on how you could tell her and focus on figuring out why you did it. 

2. I wouldn't trust time to clear this up. You were and are pursuing this woman. Meaning of all the women that you could potentially pursue, you've chosen her. So if you ditched her, then you'd probably end up with someone similar because you're clearly attracted to her.  

On 9/21/2017 at 4:27 PM, Spenc said:

You have not developed the knowledge and wisdom that would lead you to a better (or good) relationship, so you stay fixated on this horrible relationship because it is safer for you to stay fixated on her than to throw yourself into the deep end on some new horrible woman where you lack the conscious knowledge that she isn't right.  That's my theory anyways.

This is a pretty good point too. And I think it's a badge of honor that this person doesn't find you attractive. Clearly you're not dysfunctional enough for her. 

Godspeed.