Jealous Texting

[KAD]

Jealousy Issues

 

I'm having an issue and not sure who to talk to this about. I've recently discovered my husbands ex-girlfriend has moved to the west coast and has begun texting my husband again. They are friends, but it bugs me that she contacts him. 

 

Here is a little back story on why this bugs me. 9 years ago when my husband and I met, my husband told me this awful story about his ex. How she used to threaten suicide to in order to keep him around, how she didn't let him grieve after his moms death and how she threw a glass bottle at this head. Oh and there was this one time she threw his cat across the room when she was just a kitten because the cat didn't like her. They fought all the time, even once someone said they had a "vile" relationship. And every lady friend of my husbands that I have met who has met her dislike her a lot.

 

I recoiled at the thought of meeting this ex. Fast forward, I moved from my home on the west coast to live with him on the east coast. Upon arriving to his home I find out that the ex. lives next door. And that they are friends. I was 26 at the time and super insecure, I was unsure about the situation. I just moved there and had no friends. I did not like that she lived next door and that he was still doing her favors, like help with resumes, watch her dog, give love advice etc. etc. I've even gotten into a fight with her once.  I've asked him why he helps her out so much and he says "oh she had a tough childhood. Her parents hated her." So he has sympathy for her.   so I played along thinking I was the bigger person although secretly I hated this person. I cried a lot about my feelings and for the most part and  hid them from him because I was ashamed of my feelings. I even tried to befriend her, after all of that. I brought it up once that I hated the situation he put me in and he said he never loved her but felt sorry for her. So I used that to suppress my irritation for the situation. 

 

Let's fast forward to today with a recap of the past 9years.

 

We moved back to the west coast, got married, we had a baby and bought a house. His ex. had a slew of boyfriends, cheated on a couple of them, sperm jacked a young man who was 21, she was 32 at the time and now has a baby. Once she left her baby in the car and made the news, and now is a single mom with a restraining order on young baby daddy who recently moved to the west coast as a public school teacher and is now online dating skateboards and asking my husband advice and sending him text. Last  read "ok xoxo" 

 

I've expressed how I feel about her contacting him and this is what he says to me "really I have so much on my plate... I bought you a house! You really pick the wrong time to pick fights!" Making me feel invalid. 

 

I have been listening to FDR for the past 6months and have gain a lot of insight into myself. In what I've learned from Stefan is this...

 

-My husband has been her white knight this whole time 

 

-she doesn't seek self knowledge because if she did she wouldn't be a single mom still trying to dating skateboarders. She is 38 now.

 

-she manipulates people into feeling sorry for her so she doesn't have to change 

 

-my husband is using bully tactics to silence me when I try to express my dislike for them texting

 

 Am I wrong? Am I over thinking this or being weird? What am I not seeing that can make me rethink how this situation makes me feel. I'm open to being wrong. 

 love this man. knowing he was with this piece of something person really bugs and the fact that he defends their texting turning it around on me makes me feel so resentful. I've started acting super bitchy, and mega passive aggressive since finding out they are still texting. Which I hate. I'm afraid if I bring it up again he will shut me down and make me feel like a jealous house wife. I grew up in a house where I was bullied into not saying how I feel  which sucks because  I'm trying to be courageous  person but how can I be if I can't tell my husband to stop texting that b*tch, and leave her in the past! Gaaaaaaaaaah.

 

 

[Ninja]

This sounds like the kind of situation that will require allot of sacrifice considering the level of commitment you have to your husband.

Something that I see as important that isn't directly touched on in this post is that you may have a belief that you are inadequate in fundamental ways and that is why you would stay with someone who is systematically oppressive.

Those same feelings of inadequacy may be why you haven't firmly rejected the abuse and formally created an ultimatum that requires him to reconsider his choice to behave dishonestly.

Question yourself during the moments that you're tempted to surrender your values and integrity in order to compensate for his lack of self control and moral consistency.

Identify the beliefs you have that prevent you from connecting with the emotional reality of the impact hypocrisy and dishonesty has on your relationship.

Stand up for your values by refusing to make exceptions for any reason, even if the reason is that you love the person.

Im sure that your mutual goals and responsibilities contain enough incentive for you both to find a way to live peacefully and productively in all the essential aspects of civilized life.

 

Teal Swan has some great videos on the topic, you can find her on YouTube.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

It sounds like this woman is showing some serious signs of narcissism. I don't know what to do about your husband. Have you thought about calling into the show?