My take on "An Important Birthday Message From Stefan Molyneux"

[testdummy]

Hello Stefan, 

 

Thank you for your video titled "An Important Birthday Message From Stefan Molyneux", I enjoyed listening to it.

 

Even though I understand the essence of the message, it does not change my desire to not have children.

 

In all honesty, I don't think I'll live long enough to care about never having had children. 

 

9 years ago, I discovered Stefan's content about peaceful parenting and the effects of spanking/abuse. I became angry. Extremely angry. At my parents. Also at myself for letting it happen (even though there wasn't much I could do back then). It took me years to identify all of my behaviors, defense mechanisms, habits and attitudes that were a possible direct result of the abuse, address them and attempt to change them. I'm still not done but I've made quite a leap. 

I'm 42, Sunday was my dad's 65th birthday. 3 weeks ago, I decided to post a long blog post about my experiences & the abuse that my brother and I suffered. It was not meant to present myself as a victim or a survivor (I despise this word), it was to share personal consequences so that those who have suffered abuse but never made the link could (if applicable) suddenly realize that who they are & what they think and do might be because of this abuse. I also listed the long list of consequences made available by the scientific literature. I concluded by saying that even though I want to remain far from my parents, have few contacts with them and do not want to care for them, I forgive them. But they know that my desire to push them away is a direct consequence of my realization of the consequences of their behavior & abuse.

 

Last week, my relationship with my partner with whom I have been for 4 years ended. She's the love of my life. But 3 months ago, I discovered that I'm sterile. She's 32, she WANTS kids. I won't go into all of the details, but due to many factors, we concluded that it was time to go our separate ways. We love each other deeply, but for her to be happy, I must let her go. It's possibly the most difficult decision I've ever had to take. But, in some ways, it's a relief. 

 

For over two decades, the main reason why I didn't want to have kids is that I didn't want to imitate my parents' behaviors. I thought that because abuse is all I had known, I felt that I was at risk of reproducing the same behavior with my own children, of perpetuating this cycle of violence. So I decided to never have any children of my own, for their own sake. With this partner though, and with the changes that I have gone through in the last few years, I was telling myself that even though I don't want kids, it would probably be okay to have some with her. But really, I was fooling myself. These thoughts were coming from a need for emotional security and relational stability. It took me a few days to realize that (having been trained in non-violent communication helped me a lot during this process). These thoughts were not fair to her, and I came clean. 

 

This coming weekend, I'm moving out. I want to give her space, and time to "get over me". It's not easy for her, she's been crying a lot recently. Me too I must admit. We're both very sad. Rarely will you hear of people getting separated because they love each other. But deep down, I know that the only way to make her happy is to let her go and find someone who wants kids (and be with that person).

 

So to come back to Stefan's message, I've had [for years] this distinct feeling that I won't live long. I regularly think about ways to end my life. Not that I'm ready to do it (it's not at all the case, I still find reasons to get up every morning, even though I'm just a slave in a meaningless company), but I think about the impact on people around me, how I would do it and when to do it. If this is what I've been thinking for a long time now, why would I have kids? One day, the physical consequences of this childhood abuse will get to me. I'm a pessimist and I'm tired of living on this farm & to be livestock for people who do not give a flying fuck about my state of mind & health. So why impose such a sad view of life on children?

 

Over time, I've changed many behaviors and ways of thinking, but some remain. And they don't change, even if I'm conscious of their existence. I have potential, but I also have limits. And I'm not the type to see hope everywhere. I have a very negative outlook on life, which I believe comes from childhood abuse (that and the fact that I don't have a penny to my name, another consequence of this abuse). I'm certain that one day, I'll be just another puny statistic on male suicide. So why impose such consequences on children? It would be totally irresponsible to have kids to then kill myself when they are old enough, or when I will definitely have had enough of this miserable life. 

 

I'm glad that some folks out there want kids and are happy having some. This is not in the cards for me. And in any case, I believe it's too late for me. I want to travel the world, see great things, and die in peace. I do not believe in an afterlife, nor do I believe in a god. In my eyes, we're just alive. We are utterly insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I don't believe that we are oh-so-fucking-important. We're not. You're not. I'm not. One day, I'll just cease to be, and will be as historically irrelevant as any other biological entity before (and after) me. 

 

This is not a way of thinking that I wish to convey to my possible children. At least, in my opinion anyway, I am awake enough to know this is not a proper state of mind to raise children.

 

In conclusion, thank you Stefan for your positive contribution to this world. I'll try to leech a bit more of your knowledge & wisdom here and there until I'm done. :-) 

 

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