Mel_NAP Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 I've only known one couple who has what I would remotely consider a successful marriage and they are somewhat leftist and therefore less "traditional" than I want to be. I believe that I know the main stuff- don't pursue a career and raise kids at the same time, manage the house, be supportive, etc. but I'm lacking in the details I guess. I know what our general roles are, but sometimes I'm not sure if I am overstepping my role or not filling it enough. It seems like I have a somewhat cartoonish guide of how this is supposed to work. My soon-to-be husband was raised by a single mom, and all of the people I grew up around, though they professed family values, were either single parents, in clearly emotionally abusive marriages, or had a parade of baby daddies/mamas with no end in sight. I wish there was a book I could read to tell me how to do this. Though I am not religious, I have tried looking to people at church, but they are just as bad. Where can I even look for this, or am I left to figure it out as I go along?
Drew. Posted October 14, 2017 Posted October 14, 2017 I hear that. I think that a healthy relationship will probably look different based on the two individuals involved. That a healthy relationship between Ted and Sara will be different than a relationship between Ted and Jane or Sara and Chaz. For me too, I know that I don't have any examples of healthy relationships with people that I regularly interact with or see. I do think that there are degrees of health in each relationship though, and that stitching together a quilt of healthy aspects might cover it.
barn Posted November 17, 2017 Posted November 17, 2017 Hi @Mel_NAP (all the followings are my amateur opinions) Is it possible that your uncertainty has something to do with your cartoonish view/understanding of how things work? On 10/13/2017 at 8:24 PM, Mel_NAP said: It seems like I have a somewhat cartoonish guide of how this is supposed to work My bet would be that your doubts are perfectly reasonable. Also, in an environment such as... On 10/13/2017 at 8:24 PM, Mel_NAP said: all of the people I grew up around, though they professed family values, were either single parents, in clearly emotionally abusive marriages, or had a parade of baby daddies/mamas with no end in sight. Well, I'd assume... There must be lots of 'theatre' and manipulation going on. BUT! That's just proof of having claimed unearned virtues doesn't actually manifest itself in people's lives + You're noticing some of the discrepancies(good start) , which is necessary to be able to identify the 'talk from the walk'. On 10/13/2017 at 8:24 PM, Mel_NAP said: Where can I even look for this, or am I left to figure it out as I go along? Of course you have to figure it out for yourself! Though, you can if you want use a myriad of things to help you, like : - advice from others, sharing your doubts/questions just like you've done - if possible, deep convo with a supportive (the interaction helps you move forward) friend, individual - if possible, speaking with family to understand why did they do what they did and how you feel/felt and it's meaning to you - regular therapy with someone you are in-tune - writing a diary regularly and reading it back every so often - Nathaniel Branden's sentence completion and reading it back every so often - reviewing your goals and getting to know 'what ticks you/makes you tick' - creative, constructive activities while your unconscious can relax, perhaps draw nearer to the surface and 'whisper to you' - one really great book comes to mind, it's called Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux - a time saver on the road to a more virtuous life, very curious btw. Virtues must be developed in order to be part of us and their effects be felt. More importantly, why would you want to be virtuous anyway? The marriage and belonging to a community of loving/loveable people with strong 'spines' is rather a result of a process you go through and arrive once the realisation manifests to you about where and how you want to be, what you'd like to be surrounded with. You already have plenty of great resources at your disposal, you'll be surprised how much more you'll find once in motion. Make sure to share all of this with your partner/soon-to-be husband of yours. Looking forward to hearing from you how you're progressing! Barnsley
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